The Inner me

Moved!

2007-04-25T18:39:00.000+08:00

I'll leave this blog open for a while more until all of you know about the moving of my web-log.

The new home is here at: http://theophilus84.wordpress.com

:)

I'm sorry to hear of it

2007-04-24T21:12:00.000+08:00

On sunday night, I was feeling very sad. Specifically, the thought that was running through my mind was what it would be like to lose my parents. Why so morbid rite? I think there was a reason to it.

Monday afternoon, I got a very shocking sms from my dad. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do.I felt sad.

I don't know what to say to comfort you and your family. But, I thank God your father received Christ. When my grandmother passedaway, the one thing that gave me comfort was that she is now with the Lord. That was my greatest comfort. I think it will be for you too. It's a great thing!! To be so rest assured that he is up there with Big Guy! :) I will continue to pray for your family.

Meanwhile, I thought this song is quite nice. The story is a bit irrelevant (i think) but the words of the chorus are comforting. It's what I call an honest song.

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Last lap

2007-04-21T01:09:00.000+08:00

The last lap is equally important, if not more, than the beginning of a race. You start well, you end well. The end matters!!! That is why I am not slacking in my last semester in NUS. Yes, i know it won't make much of a difference to the degree scroll I will receive but I am to do my best because all I do I'm suppose to do for the glory of God! :)

But, this last lap has been a struggle! The past week has been such a great struggle just trying to study! Sigh.

Exams will end soon. 30th April! After that, no more (written) exams for a long time...

Sigh. So sad that it will end so soon. Exams. Uni life.

okay. time to sleep.

two cents worth?

2007-04-14T22:37:00.000+08:00

A lot of things running through my mind these few days. I don't want an extremely lengthy post but I like blogging for archive sake.

I feel that life is interesting because it is peppered with interesting, unexpected things that happens.

This semester, God brought me a friend whom I think is very interesting. When we first had a meal together, I found out we share one same hobby!!! I went for an event he organised last night and I was the camerawoman. So, today my friend sent out a picture that i took and he mentioned this: *I didn't take this shot myself. I found someone who is like-minded! And I smiled because I think it's so nice to know someone thinks the same way as you. It's so nice to meet someone whom you know share certain hobbies or ideas with you. Don't you feel so?! It's like meeting a long lost twin. hehe. Maybe it'll be interesting to think about the friends you have and the special thing that you both share. Don't that make your friendship even more special? :)

xxx

For lunch today, I cooked. It's always good to hang out with friends from the same kampung - especially after so long! But, today I relive my childhood. Some of you know the friendship I have with David - a platonic friendship that started since we were kids. We've grown up and God in HIS goodness, brought us both to Singapore - a company we really appreciate! But today, we did something that we as kids used to do very often. I don't know if he remembers it or not. But, he used to come to my house after church and then we'll sit at the piano - playing and singing. Today we did the same thing. And I think that was special. :)

xxx

Shelby wrote on our church songbook that she so thoughtfully gave to me: May you be able to use it in times when there's silence that needs filling with song. There have been aplenty time where there's silence that needs filling with songs. And although I'm no sweet sounding songbird, I love to sing. Music fills a certain emptiness within. Music has a special place in my heart. And there are a lot of times, music (like poetry) echoes the things in our hearts much more competently that just mere words.

And in the past two days, there's a desire to sing which is much greater than any ordinary days.

And when times like this come, I miss shelby much more!!! :)

xxx

Weng Yan celebrated her 23rd birthday 5 days ago. Jee Leng, my sister, celebrated her 18th birthday 4 days ago. Jon celebrated his 24th birthday yesterday. With all the birthdays taking place, I'm just brought to realise how time really flies once you hit 20! One better make sure time is spent wisely, life is spent interesting and beneficially before it is all over.

xxx

I thank God for everything!!! :)

Cheers....

2007-04-13T23:53:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's wishing you a very happy and blessed 24th Birthday.

May your 24th year on earth see plenty of God's goodness, faithfulness, love and blessings!

Take care!!!!

:) :)

Rewind...

2007-04-11T22:08:00.000+08:00

It’s really a pleasant surprise when Andrew Cowell touched on some issues that were in my mind and heart. I would make special efforts just to hear Andrew Cowell preach! From the way he preaches, you can tell, this man doesn’t play a fool with God. He doesn’t play a fool with man too. Preachers usually stand up there and try not to offend their audience. You have to hear Andrew preach! He’s really really good! But it was such a sad thing that there were so few people at the conference. I’m so afraid that as we celebrate Good Friday and Easter, it becomes like a routine, we don’t want to look and re-look at Jesus’ crucifixion and Resurrection because we think we’ve gotten all that we could about it. After all, we’ve been in church for so many years. Gosh. I pray we’ll never get tired of it!!! Okay, pictures!

On Monday, we celebrated Weng Yan's birthday. Happy 23rd birthday girl!!!!

On Tuesday, my classmates and I went to East Coast Park. I didn't want to go initially coz I was feeling quite tired having arrived in Singapore only on tuesday morning. Plus, i've a paper due on friday (which as of now, i've not written anything yet). But, my friends were quite insistent on my going. I told myself that I could spend some time just relaxing! haha. Of course, after praying I felt peace about going. So, I went... And I'm so glad I did. We cycled for 1 hour! Now, my butt hurts!!! :( Had dinner and then we left.

On the bus, Mich and I were laughing our heads off as we were watching stuffs on TV Mobile - esp when they showed Phua Chu Kang. Gosh. Ade, u imagine this ok. Mich and I have the loudest of laughters in the whole EL dept. Put the two of us together, you can be assured of a very fun class! But, on the bus, we got heads turning, yes la, when we laugh! But, mind you, our laughters were at a very controlled level!!!!

So much work to do but all I feel like doing is sleeping!

Rethinking

2007-04-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

After ~~studying~~ freezing in YIH study room, I decided to walk into the society's area. Why? I don't know. For no reason at all. I just had such a compulsion. While walking there I saw Nathanael, so I stopped and said my "hello" and then proceeded to the society's area. I looked at the Nus Navigator's table and thought to myself that there isn't anything different about this table. Everything looks the same. Why am I here? What am I looking for? I thought it was just one more of my aimless walks. So, I pulled the chair out and sat there looking aimlessly at the bookshelf I've never really took note of. And then, I skimmed through the books that were there and 1 book particularly caught my attention. It was an old book. Its cover was yellow and the pages were yellow too - an indication of an aged book. Nothing spectacular about the cover (I have a thing for cover pages!). But, it's title were screaming "Pick me UP!". It was: Shadow of the Almighty.

Ever since Walk His Trail, I've been wanting to read Shadow of the Almighty and Through Gates of Splendour. But, I've never been able to get hold of those books. I picked up Shadow of the Almighty and took a good look at the cover page. Read the dedication, acknowledgement. Paused for a while, thinking "do I have time to read this? I've just started on one book and barely moving forward. Do I abandon that book and read this? But, I have other books to read - academic ones." I took out the notebook that records all the books borrowed and notice that many people have borrowed books for years and they have no return date recorded. So the kiasu side of me thought if I don't grab hold of this book, either someone will grab it or I will forget. So, I recorded the details of the book in the logbook. Left society's area.

The book is really challenging me in my ways. Amongst it, is my desire to go to India. A few things have kept the thought of going to India in the backburner of my mind. Don't ask me why. haha. I never knew Jim Elliot had a passion for India. Little did I realise, reading the words "India" makes my heart skip a beat. I don't know why. But, it's making me rethink of my desire to go to India. Maybe it shouldn't be in the backburner anymore. Maybe I should really seriously start reconsider, rethink, go through another process of seeking the Lord again.

Lord, guide me! :)

vices

2007-04-02T11:27:00.000+08:00

For our group project, we decided to research on food blogs, which in my opinion sets us for temptation. Food blog is quite an interesting field in the blogosphere. But, too much temptation for me! Haha.

The shopper side of me is trying to come out and it has successfully tempted me to go shopping. But, what is shopping without your kaki? Boring! I miss Joshua. Haha. You know why!

I miss having the luxury of time and a car! The thing about shopping (not window shopping) is that if you can’t get something in one place, you’d want to hunt for it in another place. But, if you have no time or no car, you’d just have to wait for another day. And you know, it’s torture to have that urge in you but you can’t fulfil it! Argh.

Saturday I went out with my roommate and her classmate. It was okay. I thought since they wanted to shop, it’ll be okay. But, there were a few reasons why it wasn’t really an exciting shopping time. 1) They are of different socio-economic level – theirs higher, mine lower. Hah! 2) They were shopping for clothes, which wasn’t what I really wanted. If I shop for clothes, I’d need many hours. 2 hours is barely enough! So, I didn’t get to shop what I wanted. But, overall, it was okay. I didn’t hate it. Coz the company was good too. If I didn’t had such strong shopping urges, the experience would have been almost perfect. Haha.

Oh, I need to share this very hilarious thing with you! All my life I’ve nicknames given to me, but barely do people get my name wrong. I used to have a teacher who would rather call me by my nickname than my real name. Weird! I corrected her many times before but she still prefer that than my real name. BUT, anyway, my church elder has gotten my name wrong and I do not know how to correct him. He calls me Ginny/Jeannie. Argh! I’m still trying to figure out which one he thinks my name is. But, I don’t understand…so many people get my name right. Why can’t he? We’re even in the same bible study group. Funny la. I think everyone else in the bible study group knows that he gets my name wrong. I don’t know how to correct him. “Uncle Eric, my name is not Ginny. It’s Jee Lee” Like that ar? The thing is Ginny/Jeanie and Jee Lee sounds so similar. Sigh. Maybe I should just adopt the name Ginny. But it’s disgusting la. Ginny Lye Jee Lee. Wah Crap!!! That’s like Lily Lim Lee Lee. Bleah!!!!

Pleasant surprises!

2007-03-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

During last night's rally, I looked at Roy and I kept thinking to myself, "If he was my age, i'd marry him." There's really something attractive about Roy and I can't really pin point what it is - until last night! When I went to bed and I was talking to Jiaying, my roommate!, I was trying to tell her what exactly I like about Roy - the one thing that makes him so special and unique, the one thing that really stands out, I manage to put it into words. Two things: humility and meakness. The two very thing that attracted me. I always tell people that I like noisy guys coz they make me less noisy or rather, they make me seem less noisy. haha. But, I realise I have a very soft spot for quiet guys. Not that noisy guys are terrible or that quiet guys are very nice. It's just unique. But the thing about Roy, apart from his humility and meakness, is also his sincerity. I have never met another man (other than my dad) who spoke to me with such sincerity, so interested in my life, so humble because he didn't come to me as if he's the teacher wanting to impart some great knowledge to me - even though he's in the Singapore Nav leadership, and the way he talks about his wife - oh my goodness! never have i heard anyone spoken like that about his wife. I mean, yeah, they all say nice things about their wives, but Roy is different!

And then today, i thought to myself: I have no time to have lunch coz i should go to as5 and prepare for the presentation. But, as I got out of the tutorial, Gary said "Do you want to hear me sing a song I composed?" Yes, I do. And so we just ended up walking towards YIH for lunch. He taught us the song and interestingly, the first line of the song has both the words that describe Roy: Humble & Meak! Oh gosh.

Of course, then, there's always that extra bonus of meeting the good-looking guy who is oh-so-hot. And today, fate brought us together. I saw him 3 times today!!! All unexpected! Woah. God, can this be the one?! Okay, i'm being funny here. He's got this arrogance air in him, even though I don't think he is. Well, I can't expect everyone to be like me. I'm just a weird species.

Let me tell you wat happened.

Ade and I were walking up the stairs, after class, when we bumped into him. So, I gave ade the "that's him!!!" look and well, she apologised for almost bumping into him. He on the other hand, gave no reaction whatsoever. it's like as if he didnt see her, he didnt notice us, he didnt hear the sorry. Well, fine if he really didn't hear the sorry. but, hey, i'm sure he can offer a smile at least rite? NOPE! nothing at all.

So, i made a comment: He's so dao (arrogant) la! And then, i went on to explain why. Apparently, ade don't think so. Not everyone smiles at everyone else. i'm just weird. Maybe that's why i've been given a new nickname: windscreen wiper - for waving at ppl when i see them! Sigh.

Still, a plesant surprise nonetheless - seeing oh-so-hot good looking guys! haha

What a turn of events. Yesterday was probably my bluest of all days! It was like as if the whole world had its back on me. People said the wrong thing. People did the wrong thing. Bad things happened. I cried.

God is good still!!!! very good!

ahhhhhhhh

2007-03-29T10:02:00.000+08:00

Haven't led worship in ages!

I've just finished my very last minute presentation for later and now suppose to prepare for worship leading. I don't know where to start.

Bleah.

A few inspired things...

2007-03-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

Blogging is such a funny domain. It's public and all we bloggers know that. So, we (knowingly or not) choose what to reveal in our blogs. So there's that sense of restriction. Yet at the same time, we blog to communicate our feelings, issues that bother us -almost like journaling in a diary, except that this is no secret! Don't bloggers find it an almost conflicting reasons to blog? It's really weird you know. Some people treat blogs like diaries. Some others make sure that their blogs do not reveal too much of themselves that they choose very carefully what to write about and how to write it. How much of the real person do we get from reading blogs?

Why all this critique of blogs suddenly? That's because I've just finished writing 2985 words on Malaysian female undergraduate blogs. It is the language and internet project that I was talking (or rather, complaining) about yesterday. Looking back at my previous post, i guess, I've finally reached 2985 words, and so my worry of not being able to reach 2.5k words was invalid. My word limit is 3k. I still have yet to write an Abstract. 3000-2985=15. I can't possible write 15 words for an Abstract. That can probably pass for a relatively short sentence. I have a very prolix writing style. One sentence for me can be as long as 55 words. I can break that down to 3 sentences. Why do I write in such an irritating way? I don't understand too. That is why there is a desperate need for editting! Everytime I write a sentence and i notice it is long, i must make sure I cut it down into 2-3 seperate sentences. Sigh.

This post is seemingly unmotivated.

I almost couldn't get up for church this morning. After switching off the alarm, I crawled back to my bed to get my 5 minutes delay. Of course, the 5 minutes became 20 minutes. Well, technically, I kept telling myself to get up but let's just say the flesh is weak. Whatever it is, I wasn't late for church today! So, yay! Church hall was quite full today coz the many missionaries around for the Emmaus Conference for the next 3 days! Saw Peter Ferry. The last time I saw Peter Ferry was many many years ago. He was Life Chapel's assembly camp speaker! And that camp marked my first appearance in the big congregation to share a testimony (or something like that). I almost wanted to get Peter Ferry to imitate the bird sounds that he could do!! You guys remember it don't you? But, I realised now that people ask me if i'm working already, which tells me that i don't look young enough to go up to an old man to ask him to do tricks with his hands for my amusement. So, I refrained myself of course. Hahah!!!

Sermon today was good. I really enjoyed worship in church today too. It never fail to amuse me how the church has a grand piano in the front of the hall but morning worship is done without any musical accompaniment. And so we rely on uncles in the church to remember tunes to hymns and then there'll be rare occasions like today where we'll start correctly and half way through the first verse, we'd realise that we got the tune wrong. so, try again. Most of the time, on our second try, we'd get it right. Today, we got it right only on our 5th or 6th attempt! It was quite funny. AND, we had guests with us. haha. I wonder if they see the piano and wonder as I do. But you know, when I first attended this church, I couldn't take it la. The least Life Chapel had was piano accompaniment. Most other brethren churches have a full band! It really took some adjusting to. It even came to a point where I couldn't enjoy worship and I started to think, if the worship in church is so dead, I have to start looking for other church edi. It is not too late since I still have my letter of commendation with me! Haha. Yeah, talk about the fear of commitment man! After 2.5 years, I still have the letter of commendation and have never given it out. Anyway, I came to realise that the issue was with me and not with music or not. Sure, music play a huge huge part in my life. But, I guess, worship was more than music and inasmuch as I still do not understand why there is such an arrangement in the church, I respect it and i'm now more or less used to it edi... And it's such a blessing you know. I'm not judging but I'm just saying what I see. I see a super friendly, caring and loving group of people in the church. Super sacrificial. And in the small group of people I know, I see very godly men and women - heart all to serve our mighty God, to live lives that gives glory to God - as He is deserving! I'm not saying they are all like angels ar! But, I'm just saying that I'm very encouraged by the hearts of some people - especially the church leaders. They really are something! Very humble men...really!

And all this talk about them reminds me of uncle Eric Kirton. I'm sad to hear the passing away of (as Jon acknowledges him as) the last true Brethren missionary. Uncle Eric Kirton has truly inspired many by the way he lived his life - giving all glory to God, in strict obedience towards God, giving God only the best, a broken and humble man. A man whom i'm very sure God was pleased with. The memorial service was held at Life Chapel. This is what, the third time I hear Life Chapel opening up her place for memorial services?! And I heard that Life Chapel was packed full today. My parents were standing at the carpark la! Basement also full. Imagine the amount of lives uncle Eric Kirton has impacted and encouraged. My prayer is that people continue on with the legacy that uncle Eric Kirton left us with. That we will truly seek to honour God with our whole being.

I guess, no better time to listen to Big Daddy Weave's "Audience of One" than now. Check this

Complain la....

2007-03-24T21:08:00.000+08:00

I love language and the Internet but I hate my project. It is a torture.

I sat down here in the library at 11am and it's now 9pm. I thought i'd start writing my essay today since i've been giving it some thoughts already. Suddenly today, I decide to change my focus, change dataset, change focus group. Now that sucks. And I thought it'll be easier to stick with 50k words. It's much tougher. So, from time to time I compare 50k with another 50k (I'm talking about dataset). So, i've sat here in the library for about 8 hours ( minus the meal times), and all i manage to squeeze out is about nine hundred to a thousand words for my essay. Now this sucks because the essay is suppose to be something between 2k-3k words. I'm only listing down the data and the analysis. I havent even gone to the discussion. I don't know if i can hit 2.5k words. I don't know if i'll be satisfied with my work. It's 20%. This sucks la. My brain is freezing. It is due on Monday.

I have a tummy ache and it makes me think "Oh, maybe i have stomach cancer" or something. haha.

My arm aches because it has been in a typing position ever since this morning.

God, help!!

I haven't prepared for cell tmr. Die!

Seldom do I blog to complain about my school work while i'm in the midst of it. But, tak boleh tahan dah la!

Okay. back to work. Need to go back to prepare for cell tomorrow oso.

Reckless abandonment?

2007-03-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, people have been asking me “Are you joining us for the Philippines trip ar?” When have I said that I’m pulling back? To be honest, I have been a little scared – for the stupidest reasons. I’m afraid of the fact that there will be no proper toilet facilities. This is one fact you have to remember, I am very particular about this. If I can, I will keep my faeces in till I reach home. I definitely can’t hold it in for 3 weeks!!! And oh, I’m told I can only use a minimal amount of water for bathing. Now, that would be quite difficult. And yeah, this mission trip, we have to do stuffs like preaching…YIKES! I am a Brethren. All descendents of Eve keep total silence in church, whenever there are Adams around. So, preach? Add to it, preach to church leaders….WOAH. Sweep me off my feet man! Cannot la… I’m still struggling. I will so need to talk to some people about this. But anyway, yes, back to my a little reluctance to go to Philippines. And then, I say “God, dowan to go can?” And then, the other side of me reminds me that I have always been wanting to go for mission trips. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DREAM OF BEING A MISSIONARY??? Become missionary of course have to learn to dig own shit hole la! haha. But, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want to go to Philippines. I still very much want to be a missionary. Yeah, all the scary stuff do get to me but if I do be a missionary it’s not like the most “prestigious” occupation eh. And I know I’m not doing this out of my own selfish ambitions. Freely I have received, freely I give….that’s the only concept. I have received much from God. How to not give back? So, am I excited over going to Philippines? Yes, very much!!!

Half way through meeting today, my mind went back to a comment Joshua made a few months ago “You want to be missionary? Very hard to find husband wan you know!” He knows my soft spot. Yeah! Very hard to find husband. HOW? And then it’s like as if all those thoughts find it’s way into my mind – You sure you want to die alone? You sure you want to live your life alone? No one beside you? No CHILDREN? – wah, these thoughts suddenly seem so scary. I try to be strong and say “Yes, Can! It’s okay if I don’t have all these things, as long as I have God!” Who am I trying to kid? I mean, yeah, I’d give my life to God and yes that means if in HIS sovereign will He wants me to die alone, live my life alone, no husband, no children, I will gladly obey! But, if you ask me what does my heart wants, I’ll be honest, get married to a missionary, have children, and live our lives in abandonment for God.

Listening to Simon & Garfunkel now and it’s making me even more sad. But ah, love them! And I remember how we’d play them on Saturdays and sing to them while doing house chores! It’s always so good.

bleah

2007-03-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

I came across a really interesting quote while trying to chill today. It's from this book that I bought for RM3! It's entitled "The Love Affair" - so me rite? haha. Actually, no. I'm not a romance novel book lover. But the smaller print of this book cover caught my attention. It says: Today's need for love that's real. Hah! And I wonder what it will say. So, i got the book. So, back to the interesting quote.

It is this: The opposite of love is not 'hate', but 'indifference'.

Yeah, i'm guilty. Too selfish too often.

Sigh.

Today felt like a total waste. The after effect of being sick! I feel as if I need to sleep all the time. Body feeling as if it lacks something. I didn't do anything productive. Well, okay, I manage to borrow books from the library, finish 3 chapters of a book i'm suppose to read for my test on monday, half decided on what I want to write for the essay. Honestly, I just feel like i didn't get anything done today. That sucks! Feel like i just totally wasted the whole day away....argh!

something is very wrong but i can't tell what.

Only sweet and nice things shall be remembered!

2007-03-20T23:55:00.000+08:00

Going back this time round was good.

First of all, I manage to spend much quality time with my family members. It wasn’t just stupid jokes but also talking about lives, which was very good!

I had meals with various people on Sunday – people whom I don’t usually have lunch with, which makes it even more interesting.

Didn’t had a clue that Kevin and Kok Choong was back so to see them on Sunday was such a delight. Then we went out for breakfast. Ah…..it was good. Then lunch with Mun Onn and Weng Soon was special too coz I seldom have lunch with these people. Of course, it was then that Mun Onn made that remark about me – the remark that stayed in my head for hours! Nono, it wasn’t a bad remark…it was neutral. I didn’t take it negatively too. I was just thinking. Hehe.

Then, we celebrated Joshua’s birthday. Happy 21^st birthday dude! Where else but our favourite SS14 A & W! :)

Came back to Singapore and was bed-ridden because I think I caught the stomach flu bug. Head aching from fever and stomach aching from the bug, I couldn’t move much nor stay awake comfortably nor could I go to sleep (because of the pain in my head!). It was quite torturous really! But, thank God for His healing hands! And for friends like Edgar, Jia Ying and Pei Yun!!!! God is good!!

Preference

2007-03-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

I realise recently that people prefer the noisy side of me. When I'm quiet, I get remarks like "eh, are you okay ar?", "Is something bothering you?", or better still "Why suddenly act demure?" or "why so sad today?" When I'm quiet, it doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong with me okay! Or that I am "acting demure".

It's so sad you know. That I can't be quiet because all people prefer of me is the noisy side. It's not that I want to please people. But, i can't stand being asked these questions. I rather people accept that I am both noisy and quiet - both included in me! But, to be nice, I shouldn't blame people for asking or making such comments la. It's not their fault for not knowing me better. Maybe people ask such questions because they care.

Sometimes, I just want to hide.

I've been so tired recently. I tell people I don't understand why but I think I do. My mind has no time to rest. It is working even when I'm sleeping! That's why i get up feeling as if i just went to bed. It sucks.

I want a short trip to somewhere. Maybe I'll do something this weekend. Have to start planning. Short short trip. But, where?

What do you do when you feel lonely?

Give me a valid reason to not be pissed

2007-03-14T12:09:00.000+08:00

The SPM results were out a few days ago......

Check this out:
A few days ago, you see this in the papers.

Today, you see this in the papers.

Such explicit biasness. I am pissed. Goodness, these people work like crazy to do their best in the examinations and here is what they get: " No naming of top student this year because everyone has their strength and weakness"? What crap?! Just give them the due credit la. Why like this? So hearbreaking! She studied so hard and did so well and yet it is publish in the national newspaper that despite that, her achievements will not be recognised as the best.

I know she probably doesn't covet it but it's so disappointing to see such overt biasness.

I cannot understand.
I cannot take it in.

I am disappointed.
I am pissed.

Sigh.

Setupiak!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thy lovingkindess is better than life

2007-03-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

I know what I'm suppose to do but I feel so weak that I can't do it. And so I turn to You, weeping coz my heart is torn. I can't keep it in. The tears flow out against my will. But I turn to You...

And I thank you for your words and for speaking to me. And I thank You for overwhelming me with with Your love for me and making me realise how undeserving I am. I guess, God, you know best and I don't. I don't understand what You are doing but I know You love me and You'll never give me something that will harm me. I don't understand but I trust You to do Your good work. I trust You because You are God. Not because of what You have done but because who You say You are.

I am sorry Lord for not giving You the worship and praise that You deserve. Often I lift-up myself too highly not understanding how much I put You down when I do that. I'm sorry Lord. Father, may You increase and may I decrease. It's not even easy to say that but who am I to think that I should lift myself up? I am not. And you know Chris Tomlin's song Indescribable? It's a nice song and this line is amazing :

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

And I think about it hard and yeah, how can anyone look into the depths of my heart and yet still love me the same. And love me so great!!!

Ps 8
O Lord, our Lord,
How excellent is Your name in all the earth,
Who have set Your glory above the heavens!

Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants
You have ordained strength,
Because of Your enemies,
That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

What is man that You are mindful of him,
And the son of man that You visit him?

For You have made him a little lower than the angels,
And YOU have crowned him with glory and honour.

O Lord, our Lord,
How excellent is Your name in all the earth!

Isaiah 40

All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
Because the breath of the lord blows upon it;
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever.

If you have time, go here and watch Significant Insignificance!

quite something...

2007-03-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

Liren, your blog post is really something!

Today was just quite a bit of running around. I didn't get to sleep well last night because of my cough, which is the kind that comes ferociously (what a word to use!hah) at night and tickles your throat and once you start, you won't stop till about 10-15 mins later or when you pop a sweet into your mouth. I was so afraid i'd wake my roommate up with all the coughing! With the lack of sleep, I only got up at about 9:30am, which is so late!

I went to the EL comp lab at 12noon to start on my take home quiz. I need to run the text on this software which version i am familiar with is undownloadable to my pc. And because i'm unfamiliar with the version of the software I downloaded to my PC, i couldn't be productive with the take home quiz. So, i figure, i better just go to school and use the comp lab. The thing is that the comp lab is usually locked and i wasn't too sure if my matric card (i.e.: student card) would grant me access to the lab and since it was noon time, I don't know if the technician would have gone for lunch. So, I prayed hard that somehow or rather, i'd be able to get to the comp lab and use the comp to do the work i'm suppose to. THANK GOD because when i got there, the door wasn't completely closed and Liling, Rachel and Phey Ying were there, and pei en too!!!! so yay!!!

Started with work and woah, it's really not easy man....no wonder matt spent so much time on it la... I was able to do 2 out of the 5 parts we were suppose to do. Then I had to rush to meet Karen and then there was Bible Study. Afterwhich I met up with Theresa for dinner. Wednesdays are my free day but they are seldom free. Either I mug on or I fill up my day meeting people. Whatever it is, it's a weekday, it's not suppose to be free. My free day is Sunday! haha.

Have you ever felt so angry with someone for giving wrong information that means a great deal to someone else? And for coercing that person to do something that he/she doesn't want to do with the wrong information you gave him/her? It's so terrible and I almost burst out in anger today! So frustrating! But, it was important that I didn't burst out in anger coz it would have been terrible! So I just had to try to understand what was happening and give grace and remember to love. Kept telling myself that Christ said "those who have been forgiven much, love much" - drawing the principle that if i've experienced much love from God, I should love others as well, even if i dont think the other person deserves it because I definitely don't deserve God's love too. So who am I to judge?

When I look at Karen and Wei Ting, truly I am very pleased. Not because they are growing to be superb christians but because they have been allowing me to be more involved in their lives and together we grow. We share our burdens and struggles and we aspire to grow together. I'm not there to make super christians. I am there to be a discipler. To lead. To grow. To share. To teach. To learn. To cry. To laugh. To love. And we do all that together. I am no super christian. Jesus said "make disciples" not "make super christians"...and i'm really enjoying my journey with these girls - not so much coz i think they have potentials of being used by God tremendously but because I see how they are just clinging on to their Lord, and together with the ups and downs, we journey hand-in-hand, and how they are standing firm on the Rock, on the very strong foundation!

Thank You God for blessing me with these girls!
And thank you God for also blessing me with friends such as these:

(frm left: JieYao, JeeLee, Jeremy, Edgar)
And an A+ to JieYao for editting the pic! haha. You're an A+ friend! :)

night of lame jokes...

2007-03-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

I feel extremely guilty for going to Botak Jones for dinner. I could feel my heart beating 100 times faster. I was afraid I was going to get a heart attack! HAH! Met Yuen Ting and Candice there. Yuen Ting was doing a write up for Campus Observer while Candice was just packing dinner before she goes for church meeting. I was there with Mark and Jeremy. The queue for dinner was super long but thank God for a seat I got and then I was able to run to the money changer and then to the bank. The ground were all wet because it rained and I was wearing my grip-less slippers. I was really thankful to God that I didn't fall. Would have caused a great laugh though!

Didn't do much today. I probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Infact, I didn't feel like waking up today. I was fully awake by 8am but lazed on the bed till 9am. Terrible girl! But yes. When I finally did get out of bed, I plunged my bump on my chair and blank-out for a while - trying to decide what to do and what to wear. I won't say i wasted my day away coz after i did my QT, I read the article for LPP lecture. At 1145, I left for my LPP lecture and den we had a group lunch. It was a good time to gather and eat and talk nonsense, get to know one another better. Too bad Mich couldn't join us. Anyway, as per our last meeting, we started talking about gays but this time, with more insight to the "status" of our friend, talk more about the gay church in Singapore, each other's opinion about homosexuality. Don't get me started on the gay church - it's just so wrong! Argh.........

After the groupie left, i met up with Ade to pray - ah, it's always good to meet up, talk, share and pray. It feels so good!!! haha. It's not just knowing that someone cares but that someone is here to hear you out, share your burden and uphold you in prayer - it means much to me!

I had in mind to go to clementi to get my Ringgits changed and then go to the bank to drop the cheque but it was raining, so i was lazy. But, i bumped into Jeremy and Mark and then i just decided to go with them for dinner. It was a good thing. Because they wanted to go to Botak Jones for dinner but neither of them have ever been there before. All they know is that it is in Clementi. So, smart alec me brought them to where it was, got a seat for them and then left to the bank and then back to where they were for dinner.

Mark has an obsession with men's body. He goes on and on about noel's body and honestly, it is a bit weird to hear a guy talk so obsessively about another guy's body. And he even asked me "Have you seen noel without his shirt?" GASP!! Of course not. And honestly, I don't want to. But, it was fun talking to him and jeremy and just having a purely rubbish talk la....Relax and just enjoying each other's company and laugh about stuff. It was fun. Thankfully the rest of the Monday GC weren't there for dinner. With just Mark and Jerm, it was already too much lameness to handle....

I wanted to start on my take home quiz (for Lang & Internet) but nah, my brain decided to not function at all. I downloaded wordsmith but when I looked at all the data, my mind is just blank. How am I suppose to write 1000 words? Die....

ps: i seem to be blogging about random stuff lately - not because i've no thoughts but because there's too much and it's hard to pen (or rather, type) them (all) down. :)

One down

2007-03-05T12:42:00.001+08:00

I've just completed an assignment that is due later today. This is the first time I've started on an essay so near the deadline and manage to complete it satisfactorily. Thank God really! God is good....

I've a take-home quiz, which is more like a mini assignment due on Friday. After which I have 4 more assignments due in the next 4 weeks, which will really keep me on my toes. But, as God has proven again and again, He is faithful and my confidence is in Him and not in myself. So, technically, there's nothing to be afraid or worried about. But then, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak - sometimes. Still, no excuses! haha.

Pray for God to help me be faithful in the things that God has given me... :)

I must have eternity in mind....and den work towards the things that lasts.

Gary & others

2007-02-28T23:59:00.000+08:00

Here’s your gary post!

Gary not only opened the door for me today in YIH study room he also said “Hello Jee Lee. I’ll see you tomorrow” with such a sweet smile!!! Aaaahhhhh… hahaha

And that’s the end of your gary post!

xxx

Now, onto more important things:

I was undecided as to whether I should attend nav rally today. I didn’t really want to go for it because I have work to be done and I wasn’t feeling too well. But, I was suppose to gather CCA points stuff and also the appreciation thing for huiyue. So, I went, albeit late. The songs spoke to me really! There were a few songs I weren’t familiar to but it really spoke what I was feeling!

I’m at a junction where I really need God and my heart feels like it’s going to blow! And I need God so much! And I know God is there! God is more faithful than anything else in the world!!! If all else fails, if everything else withers, God stands strong and His words!

And my heart just cry out, truly “woe am I for I am a woman with unclean lips” but God is faithful and just and will forgive us…and yes, there is much forgiveness needed. There’s so much for me be sorry about! Goodness.

And I echo one of Chris Tomlin’s song, which lines go:

“You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

You are amazing GOD!!”

Because people can’t even accept me for who they think I am on the outside, what more you who know the very depths of my heart – the dirtiest of all stains – and you still love me, you still send Christ to die for me, and for Jesus to take all the pain and suffering and mockery just to patch up my relationship with God. Oh God, forgive me for not seeing and treating you for who you really are!!!

errr....what is this about?

2007-02-27T14:48:00.000+08:00

I will blog. But, I don’t promise you an interesting one. And nope, it’s not titled Gary!

The viruses have found me. I look forward to 14 hours of sleep only to remember that I have 2 tests coming up and an assignment due. There goes my dream! I hate seeing doctors so I will just make do with vit. C and panadols and sleep!!

Everyone is asking how was CNY. It was nothing to be proud of because I spent most of my time studying! (yes, how boring can that be rite?) and just lazing at home with family members. I didn’t visit friends or family (except for my great grandmother) because I needed to prepare for tests and assignments and catch up on all the readings. And because my father is the first child in his family, I get the privilege of staying home and having all the aunties and uncles and cousins coming over. So, I don’t need to move! Hah! But, it was really cool because I liked it – spending CNY with close relatives where smiles are not fake and they don’t ask me questions like, how old am I? what am I doing? Where am I studying? What do I plan to do after I graduate? So, it was all fun and good. I know it isn’t a time for mugging but I had to – I’m waaay behind my work and there’s just no way I can catch up with work if I didn’t study during the hols.

So much for holidays.

Surprisingly, I got quite a lot of angpows. Haha. CNY is not all about ang pows. But really, I’m quite surprised! I stayed home most of the time, but ang pows came to me. Haha, which was really cool! But, make me feel quite bad la…my siblings had to endure all the fake smiles and the heat and the boredom and I do nothing but I still get the red packets. It’s a blessing to have siblings who understand my need to stay home. Ah…

Coming back to Singapore was quite tough this time round. Don’t know why. Maybe I spent too much time at home. Maybe there was too much happiness around. Maybe it was cny. (I am Chinese afterall!)

But, I am back here and thankfully, I have work to occupy me.

Be of good cheer...

2007-02-16T23:03:00.001+08:00

I left Singapore yesterday but with much hassle.

My bus from Larkin was at 6pm. At 5pm, I was still in NUS. Class ended at 4:30pm. I manage to get a cab only at 5:10pm. Traffic was heavy (understandably) so to cut a very long story short, i reached Larkin at 6:40pm and the bus left without me of course. Thank God, I got another bus which left at 7:15pm for RM25. Much to thank God for. One, that I still manage to get a bus last minute and for the usual price. The bus wasn't in too bad a condition. There was no accident despite the rain. I reached KL safely at 12midnight.

If I choose to, there was much to complain about yesterday. But, i shall dwell on how good God is. Yesterday, being post v-day, Dr. Ooi gave us double-shot of chocolate. How nice of him right?! Michelle made heart-shaped pineapple tarts for us. Adeline made orange cup-cakes. Woah, feel so loved man. So, before I left, I hugged the EL bunch good-bye, Happy CNY, and belated V-day. Haha. And matt commented: why you guys behaving like it's graduation? haha. I briefly explained to him what the hugs were for. But, it was still something pretty funny. But, my point is this: I overheard him comment to Hui: What a close-knitted bunch! And Hui said: Yeah. So nice and cosy!

Yeah, I agree with them. We're a bunch of close-knitted friends, and we have a very pleasant and cosy friendship! haha....

And being Malaysian is really such a blessing - coz we're muhibah....

On wednesday, Edgar commented that I looked like a malay. On Thursday, a taxi driver commented that I look a little like an Indian. People have asked me if i was malay but that was purely because I can sound like one. Edgar said I looked like a malay coz he saw me without much light, so looking rather tanned. But, indian? HUH? How does a chinese look indian? You tell me. And the best part was he said my nose looked like an indian nose. Woah. My eyes are completely chinese - that's undebatable. But my nose are very flat too....how is that indian-looking? He asked me if my father was indian. NOPE. I have indian friends??? haha.

I say it's because i'm Malaysian. We have all the different races blood in each of us. We can look whatever we want...haha.....

Happy Chinese New Year people... :)

love is all around...

2007-02-14T23:58:00.000+08:00

Valentine's Day is all hyped-up. But you never realise how crazy people are over V-Day until you step foot into Singapore. It took Radika to help me realise this. Never in KL have I ever seen people going crazy the way these Singaporeans do. Yea, it is all commercialised but in NUS, it's too commercialised. All along the walkway, there is no way you will not remember that it is valentine's day.

V-Day has never been special for me, not because I've never celebrated it before, but I never understood why the craziness. Imagine buying any gifts that cost at least double the price? Gosh, I rather he pick a flower than buy them. Haha. Better still, no flowers!! Just something special will do.

For rally today, I think it was special because if V-day is all about love, it was a good idea to be reminded of all the different kinds of love - not just boy-girl.

Celebrate love!! But remember there are so many different types of love…so many!

Oh the other hand, I'm one purist too - maybe a bit reductionist now - but, I also think V-day is special for couples!! So, let couples do their thing. For us not attached, we have a Lover (notice the caps L) too to celebrate it with.

V-day is special but so are other days. It is just how much you make out of each day, ain't it?

And oh, I met Gary again today - there's something very unique about him and I can't say what exactly. Hmm….

Count every blessing...

2007-02-13T20:37:00.000+08:00

I walked to YIH today to collect exam results slip. And while i was in YIH, i thought i'd buy lunch for Mich and Val since they always come late to class because they have to grab lunch. So, while waiting for Mich's reply regarding lunch, I met Gary and oh well, I ended up having lunch with him. And I must say, it was very pleasant getting to know him more. He is an extremely interesting person! Yeah, truly!

Blessing of the day! haha....

His grace is sufficient...

2007-02-09T23:35:00.000+08:00

The past week has been like a mild roller-coaster ride.

Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days. And then, the ride down the emo lane started. And it’s been hanging thereabouts since then. I’ve been trying hard to just keep up the good cheer, the joyful spirit and I think I still am joyful and happy but there are times when the down sides of life gets to me and I feel a little overwhelm and sad. I try to rely on God for joy and for hope, despite all the happenings. I’ve been reading Psalms a little bit more these days and just being reminded of how God has been there for David all the time is so comforting to me. Truly, 2 Cor 12:9 has been a great source of comfort to me throughout this week too – And HE said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

And there’s this song that goes:

It's all about You, Jesus
And all this is for You
For Your glory and your fame
It's not about me
As if You should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to your ways

And I keep reminding myself that even though there are a lot of things which I wish happened my way, God is sovereign and He is in control. My life is not my own and all that happens is His and I pray that it may bring glory and fame to Him. It’s not about me.

Like today, I went for the MOE interview. As I was preparing for it, I was just asking God: “Lord, how honest should I be?” And it immediately seemed like a dumb question. So, I said “Okay, as honest as I should be!” next worry, “what if I don’t get the job?” answer: “Well, God decides where I should go…” oh yah. I forgot! So, I went to the interview, having the above song in my head, reminding myself that however I do in my interview, whether I get the job or not, is in God’s hands and whatever the outcome may be, God has deemed it to be so. And He is sovereign. Do I surrender to His will? Do I say “God, may Your will be done”? Do I say “It’s not about me but it’s all about YOU. It’s not for me but for your glory and fame”? I guess, at the end of the day, whatever happens, truly God has so desired it to be. And, yeah…I want to say it…I want God’s name to be glorified above mine. Please la…it’s my name we’re talking about. What is there to glory in? hah! But, God is good. Coz throughout the interview, I really was able to be as honest as I can. Although I spoke to someone else and she said “yeah, honest oso don’t need to put yourself down mar”…true, I didn’t put myself down. But I was honest lor…as honest as I can be…and I think, more than just getting the job, I want to glorify God’s name through it all…And today, as I was walking out of the house, I wished I had accompany. And guess what? When I reached MOE, I saw Xuanwan and Cheryl. Wow. God is really good!

That’s why throughout the emo roller-coaster ride, I can still smile and say “God is good” from the bottom of my heart. Not because circumstances are improving but because there’s that sense of peace, knowing that it is all in God’s hands. And that God will take care of everything. At the end of it all, I know that God’s name should be glorified, not my own. When my eyes see beyond myself and see how good God is, I am joyful!!

xxx

Here are just some pictures taken throughout the week:

Chocolate Brownie at Munchie Monkey in NUS. Event: Celebrating Janice's birthday. The first time in the semester where we gathered the whole group. :)

Campus Crusade's Valentine's Day concert entitled: Victim, Villain, Valentine. I didn't really feel up to it but went ahead in the end. :) It was okay la...nothing fantastic but praise God for the responses through the concert. :)

The delicious and super healthy cake Michelle baked for Janice!!!! :)

Stressed but quite happy.

2007-02-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'm taking this module called "Bible and Christianity" and it's so heavy! Gosh. In two weeks, I have 7 chapters to read. Oh, what is wrong with this man?? He's crazy. And I think my tutor is crazy too. She wants to give us a mini quiz this coming week for the book we've just finished reading. Yeah, 7 chapters, seven!!! I'm going nuts trying to just read everything. And there's no way I'm going to be able to read another book in time for my tutorial. I mean, there's 8 chapters in the book that we're suppose to read and gosh, one week? No way. I have an assignment due the following week and it's 40%. So, I'm trying my best to juggle work and rest and ministry so please do pray very hard for me. I'm going nuts.

I am seldom this busy. So many people have said "Jee Lee, you seem to be very bogged down with work recently…" and my answer would be: "You have no idea…" I mean, yeah, you still see me smiling as if there isn't a care in the world but I am stressed la. Mel saw me on Wed and she said "Why are you always so happy?" And the truth is: I'm not always happy but I smile because other people deserve to be greeted with a smile. But other than that, I am stressed. I am not sad. So I smile as usual. :)

The power of a smile is tremendous!! The power of singing is great!!! The power of a joyful spirit is indescribable!!! The joy of the Lord is my strength!! :)

Oh, thanks Shel for the publicity for "Walking Her Home" - It is so sweet. I've been wanting Mark Schultz's latest album - Broken & Beautiful!! Have you listened to Broken and Beautiful? It's very nice too…:) Check it out here!!

Reflection

2007-02-02T00:32:00.000+08:00

I don't really like presentations. And I had two today. Well, the first one went pretty alright, I think, although my fellow group mates were pretty disappointed. Well, understandable because my very slack tutor did not give us any clue to what he expects from us. So, we squeeze out whatever creative juice we have out of our brains and came up with a pretty interesting presentation. Gah! At the end of it, he said something like "Next week's group, remember to not follow this pattern of presentation". Argh! You should have said something earlier!!! Oh well, it's done. And I'm pretty pleased that we all did our preparation and it went pretty well. I enjoyed it!

An hour later, I was due for another presentation. This time, alone and together with it, came its good and bad. It is good because there's no group meetings, anal stuff to handle, basically having a group presentation can be pretty complex and irritating. The bad part about handling a presentation all on your own is precisely that - you're all alone! Means, you do A LOT of research and you do it all alone. There's nobody to lend you a helping hand and you're left to learn to swim on your own! I wouldn't have complained so much had the topic been a little easier! 3 topics of presentation in one lecture and none of it sound familiar! My topic was on syntagmatic and paradigmatic. I breathe a sigh of relief now because it's over!!! But, oh boy, it was hard trying to figure out what syntagmatic & paradigmatic was all about. I had to read every single article that Dr. Ooi put up, which meant that there were many extra readings to do in a week. So, finally, after reading all the readings he put up, I had a sliiiight idea of what syntagmatic & paradigmatic was all about. BUT, I can't just have a slight idea of what it is. I am afterall, suppose to present it in the class. So, I have to get books from the library, google it, wikipedia it…and yeah, that's about it. So, gathering all sorts of readings and having read through all, I then had a problem, which was: information overload. So, I have to give a 10 minute presentation on something that I had no idea of in the beginning but had too much at the end. I had a hard time trying to decide what to include and what not to include in the presentation. Thank God, HE helped me figure that since it is only going to be 10 minutes, I don't need to be all-encompassing. Cover the basics and pray it will be good enough. So, yeah.

But, I still feel sucky about the presentation. Okay, I rehearsed my presentation last night to jiaying. It was her idea. It's not something that I would usually do but I thank God for it because while rehearsing, I realised that woah, I didn't know how to explain syntagmatic & paradigmatic properly. Yeap, I had problems. So, I kinda wrote down a script. Haha! Talk about feeling incompetent! So, I was super nervous and the room was very cold, so I was shivering! And so I prayed. And before my turn came, the postgraduate student walked in. And Ade and Mich looked at me and say "All the best". Yeah. Coz, it's so pressurising to present to the class when you know that there's a "stranger" who is in class and even if he is not paying attention to whatever I say, he can judge if I'm saying the right thing or if I suck in presentations or whatever it is. It is stressful - and yes, unnecessary stress!!! I thought I was going to die. I almost couldn't put my thumbdrive in. Sigh. Pray super hard! God is good! At the end of it, I don't know if I did well but I guess, my objective to explain the concepts well to my peers was met. Ade said she understood what was going on. So, that was a very encouraging sign. But of course, Matthew said he found my topic a bit abstract. So, that wasn't very encouraging! Nonetheless, I'm glad it's done and I think I didn't do that bad. In fact, I think people understood it.

3 long paragraphs on my presentation and I've still not gotten down to writing what I really want to write about. Talk about being long-winded!

Just today I was thinking, "aih, sometimes it's so much about me and so little about God" And during our presentation today, Janet made a comment (it was a religion module): Humans have made religion to suit themselves, for self-help, self-motivation…" And before I open my mouth to rebut her, I realise what she said is true. It's suddenly all about us. God bless us. God do this for us, do that for us, blah blah blah. When is it about God? When is it about glorifying HIS name? When is it that it is not about us? Difficult to pin-point a time.

Many people don't see me as someone materialistic and I am not severely materialistic (if there is even a need for differentiating this) but I am. There are many things in the world that I want and it is difficult to say "Okay God, everything is yours - including all the things I've wanted"…But, by God's grace, I have been able to say it from time to time and I know that deep down, I want to live my life for Christ, even though sometimes I wish for the things of the world.

Who ever said denying our selves and carrying our own cross daily was easy eh? Haha… But, God is good because He has promised to be there for us till the very end of age. He has sent us HIS helper - the Holy Spirit. He has done so much. So much that we are undeserving of. We have received much grace!!

Yeah. God is good. I want to live my life differently for Christ!!!

It will all be a-okaaaay!

2007-01-29T11:59:00.000+08:00

At 2am, my stomach is telling me it needs feeding. So sorry, stomach, it’s 2am. Technically, that means that it’s too late to feed you.

My roommate just looked at my stack of notes and she said “Wah, only into the third week of school and your notes are so thick ar?” yeap. They are piling up. Third year is no joke man.

I am a little (okay, a little might be an understatement) overwhelmed by work.

I have in my hand ministry & school work. School work divides into 5 because there are 5 modules. Ministry divides into two parts, the administrative part which includes ex-co and the next part is the hard work, which includes follow-up and outreach. It’s my last semester in NUS. I have to make full use of everything that is given to me. I must work my hardest!! I will be the geek and read every single article that I need to. I will do all that I need to in the ministry I am part of. And that means, unnecessary stress. Haha. I’m not very wise. Still, it’s my last semester. I don’t know what entails upon graduation. God has given me much, the least I can do is to be faithful in the very little HE has given me. Yet at the same time, I recognise that God is sovereign and He can work wonders, without me. But, God has given therefore, I cannot neglect. Faithfulness!!!!

So, pray with me!!

Haha…I slept only 2 hours yesterday. I think that says much about how stressed I am eh? Haha.

Still, I want to thank God because there are lots of joys in life that He has given me despite tiredness and stress. For instance, today I met up with Adeline to pray and it was good to meet and pray after such a long time. I trashed out a particular burden in me to my dear roommate and she listened intently, making me feel that my burden is very valid. (I thought it was silly!) I had a positive attitude towards the happenings of the day even though under normal circumstances I would be the grumpiest of person since I only manage to catch 2 hours of sleep and even that, not the deepest sleep. So, I really thank God. Today, on the bus back to school, one thought just struck my mind: ‘Be of good cheer…’ this phrase appeared quite a bit in the book of Mark and I was surprised that it suddenly pop-up in my head. But, I am glad God gave me the strength to have that good cheer.

So, yeap. Thank God!!!

OverwhelmED....

2007-01-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

The lyrics of this song speak volumes now to me:

In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart could ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul
Joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You, my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

I guess, there are just so many times when I am overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus knows our every need and He keeps us so close to His heart. There are just so many times when I feel as if the things that I'm going through are like the sharpest of thorns and it hurts as if these thorns have pierced my heart, deep and all simultaneously. OUCH! But you know, the most comforting thing is that Jesus knows it all. He hears all the prayers. He keeps them all so close to His heart. And yes, we all do not deserve it. And this all, brings joy to my soul. Because in a fallen world, God shows us the true meaning of love, of hope, of joy. And I am very overwhelmed.

Thank You for being such a God. Such love. Such grace. Such mercy.

Thank you, girl, for calling and just checking on me. I know how much God loves me when HE sends people like you into my life! Thanks Yan.

Lord, thank You!!

2007-01-26T23:52:00.000+08:00

Life is so full of pleasure isn’t it? And I’m brought back to the parable of the sower in Luke 8:4-15. And of course my mind went immediately to the seeds that fell on the thorns and it was chocked by the thorns. Jesus explained the parable and said that “the ones that fell among thorns are those who when they have heard, go out and are chocked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity.” Temptation has even begun even before I start work. For goodness sake, I’m still studying!

I guess the thought of graduation brings me to think about my dreams – what I want to build. And then I catch myself day-dreaming! And suddenly, where’s God in all this? What happened to ministry? What happened to discipleship? What happened to outreach? What happened to the desire of wanting to be a missionary? I catch myself off-guard.

Guard my heart O Lord….Jee Lee, don’t forget your commitments, your vows!!

On to other matters, I don’t want to graduate! I love studying – especially when you have such wonderful lecturers like Dr. Ooi. Only into my 3^rd week of school but Dr.Ooi has made class so enjoyable that I don’t ever want to graduate from his class. And it is now that most of my previous EL lecturers are like friends and I’m leaving. Gosh. It’s sad. It’s difficult to foster such friendships with lecturers in NUS, given the fact that lecturers seldom take time to build friendships with students and vice versa. If I do my 4^th year, I’d cry when I leave NUS.

The semester has already gone into it’s 3^rd week and I’m still stuck with no one to reach out to now. Well, not totally none just that it’s like I’ve lost all motivation to reach out to ppl whom I’m not very in touch with anyway. So, I’ve just been thinking about it and praying that God may just get me started and going and bring people to me. And HE has!

Last week, I bumped into my old contact whom I’ve not kept in touch with. It was cool! I started thinking more about my other contact too. I’ve started to meet another girl more regularly. And today, a girl from a class came up to me and she basically told me 2 things. (1) She’s a Christian (2) We have a mutual friend. It would have been a normal thing but it wasn’t because this mutual friend we have is a girl I’ve been trying to reach out to. And I found out (from talking to my friend) that this girl (who approached me) is a close friend of our mutual friend and she’s a preachy girl too! Yay!! I see this as an answered prayer. A close friend is now coming into the picture. Wow. That’s exciting news for me. I’ve not told Ade yet. But Ade, if you read this before we meet, it’s good news!!!

And well, life is so exciting!!!! God is so good. Thank HIM really!!! REALLY!!!!

And here's a song that I'm singing:

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

And I'll stand in awe of You, Jesus

Yes, I'll stand in awe of You
And I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

Till death...

2007-01-25T18:03:00.000+08:00

I used to say that I'm not afraid of death. I've been thinking of that more these days and I guess, I've come to realise that I love life and I am afraid/don't want to die yet. Meeting my Lord will surpass everything else but I guess yeah, I do love life, despite all the pain. That it feels wrong to die at this age. I know to die is gain but I don't want to see death as some way of escape too. I don't want to make seeing my Lord as something I would want just because I can't have other things in life.

I truly want to see my Lord, meet HIM and be in His presence all the time.

Still, I guess, I am enjoying life - the roses and the thorns. And because I feel so unready to die, I guess, I get scared when I think about death. And more than that, I feel so sorry to those I will leave behind - loved ones yes, but most of all my family.

It's a scary thought. I feel sinful feeling the way I do. I feel sad.

We take things too easily until we realise when we're losing it, don't we?

Blessed I am

2007-01-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

This is long overdue but better late than never! Hehe! I was just reflecting a few days ago about how much God has provided for me while in Singapore and among all the things I reflected on, the one thing that I realised was that, God provided fun friends!! I’m talking about my friends in the English Language Dept. It all started in Semester 1 of our second year and we slowly got to know one another and in semester two, we got to know each other much better. And it was in semester two (I think) that my friendship with Ade grew much more and to a higher “calling”. In semester two too, that I got to know Val much better too, not forgetting Sara too. Oh they are such a blessing! Of course, Janice and Michelle has been there since the very beginning of our journey in the dept. haha.

Ade’s birthday was a few weeks ago but we celebrated it for her. And it was so much fun! My gosh. We just sat and ate and chatted and oh gosh, we laughed our heads off at so many things. It was so fun. And really, I just felt so blessed. I can count on these girls to do fun things man. The few of us are already talking about where we wanna go after we graduate la…as in, not work but for vacation…Ah, truly so blessed with friends such as them!!! :) :)

CARLS' JR. is the place where we
feasted. Gosh. IT's so humongous!!!

Vivo City, the apparently biggest shopping centre in Singapore, has a Crocs outlet!! The shoes are so ugly, it so strange to walk into a shop filled with ugly looking shoes. Yet, there are cute ones like those in the next picture ! They are kids boots. Like Phua Chu Kang's!!

I have failed

2007-01-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been feeling like I have been disappointing my leader, my God. I feel like God's not pleased with me - I probably feel no one is quite pleased with me. But, I'm not stuck with self-pity. I just feel there's so much to move forward and that there's so much more room for improvement. I cannot give up. I must persevere.

Today, Bernard mentioned something that really taught me something. I have been silently wishing that in someway, emotions could be switch on and off for various purposes. Many times I wish for it to be switched off but lately I've also began to realise that inasmuch as I am extremely emotional, I've begun to be quite detached from my own feelings. It is scary that I can switch emotions relatively easy. That once I have decided not to let something bother me, it almost leaves me so soon that until someone brings it up, I would feel like I've lost it almost completely. It's scary. Yeah.

Watching Apocalypto made me also see how powerful emotions can be. How it drives people. And power always comes with the good and the bad and it is our responsibility to see how we use power responsibly. (Also how the love of a man towards his woman motivated him to persevere through trials…). Nevertheless, for me the lesson today would be about how much I have to a certain extent lost touch with my emotions and how that was the consequence of me thinking that it would be better for me if I wasn't so feeling. And again, back to the lesson of perseverance.

Trials didn't come my way so that I will learn to work without having emotions control me by shutting off that part of me. I should have learnt harder to know that as pain as the thorns can be, God is my comforter, God wants the thorns there to teach me endurance, God wants me to learn. And not be cold-hearted.

If emotions do not drive me, I do not know what can….because love is an emotion, compassion is an emotion. (It is more than just emotions) But, if I stop myself from my emotions, I more-or-less, have lost the meaning of what it is to be human. I have lost what it means to be a child of my God.

Mix-ed day....

2007-01-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

I started blogging with one thought: God, thank YOU!!!!

Today, QingXiang came up to me and handed me something in a plastic bag and said “ Here, this is for you” and without really asking him what it was, he said “it’s that thing you wanted” and I felt the thing he gave me and I was SO pleasantly surprised that I almost hugged him la. I mean, I’ve been wanting an organiser for oh so long and I was just telling Jeremy the other day that I want to go to popular to get one. I even saw one today in the school co-op la. Thankfully I didn’t buy. No one really knows I’ve been wanting this because I’ve only mentioned it to Joshua and wengyan the other day when we were out shopping. A few months ago, I saw QingXiang’s organiser and I thought it was really nice and he heard me going on and on about how nice and how cool it is. And he remembered me saying it. And it was so sweet of him to get one for me. So terribly sweet!! In fact, he even apologised for not being able to get me a bigger one. Wah. Why on earth would he apologised!

And today, I was just telling God how I am just so depressed because I suddenly felt the enormous pang of loneliness. And then, I went for rally and when QingXiang gave me that gift, I almost immediately felt guilty for feeling the way I did earlier – about the whole loneliness thingy.

But, right now, I don’t exactly feel that I’m in any position to say “YAY”. Sucks. To a very large extent, yeah, I can’t wait to graduate, can’t wait to start work, can’t wait to be away from NUS, can’t wait….And dang la, I’ve been watching High School Musicals and you know the last scene in the basketball courts, where they all sing “We’re all in this together”, and I went on dreaming if ever I get to be part of a group who will sing that song, which group of friends will it be? It gotta be the TLC groupie. Maybe we’re more high school-ish. Hahah. Right now, I really wish to be able to go for supper with Jie Yao now. Drink all the miseries down. Haha….

Significantly Insignificant

2007-01-17T09:14:00.002+08:00

My tired-looking eyes do not betray me. I’m in this vicious cycle – for 3-4 days, I get no sleep and by the 4^th day, I’m so tired out, I can sleep squatting. I stay that way for the next 2-3 days and then the cycle starts all over again. Oh how much I really wish for it all to go away.

I’ve not been consistent in blogging so my dear readers will not actually know what’s up or rather, what’s down. But, I guess, the last month or so have seen a good mixture of JOY and SADNESS.

The JOYous moments that reminds me to keep giving thanks to God – for loved ones, for making me, me, for all the things that we can enjoy, for many many things.

The SADdening moments that reminds me that even in the deepest pile of dirt, God is in control, and that I am significantly insignificant. And be so totally amazed at how much God would love and give HIS all for a person such as myself.

We always wish for happy moments but I realised too that when we’re in the deepest pile of dirt that we see cleanliness and we see light. And it is then, that the brightest of all lights SHINE even more greatly. I’m not saying that we start wishing for bad days but I guess, when the bad days do come, we can be rest assured that in the baddest of days, the bestest of things/beings will show itself. Light will shine. Eyes will see. All knees will bow.

And I’m very sure that if life were all arranged in snapshots, it’ll be really cool!!!!

It’s coolness that God sees the very depths of our hearts and loves us the same. How we’re so significantly insignificant. We have an amazing God don’t we??!

Who says what?

2007-01-08T00:07:00.000+08:00

Oh I like this picture.

It speaks volumes bout how I feel. And I'm listening to Jon Bon Jovi's "Who Says You Can't Go Home?" Not exactly the right song to listen to. haha.

But you know, despite the sadness, there's this part in me that's really excited too. Because tomorrow, there will be a GC meeting. And yes, Jiaying is right. Seldom do I say I am excited that the GC is meeting. Tomorrow I will see people like James, Liren, Noel, Edgar, Jason, Felicia....whom i've not met for awhile. Ah, how I miss them.

A little excited that school is starting tmr. It'll be fun. :) Better than sitting at home, doing nothing. Last semester starting tmr officially. Coolness.

And....

Happy 40th Birthday, Life Chapel!!!

I've missed two AGMs already. But, this year is even more special and I really wanted to be back home for it but i can't. But thanks to Ah Soon, i've gotten pictures. And you know why this year is so special? Here's why:
It's a small little vine planted in the compound of Life Chapel to commemorate our 40th birthday and God's faithfulness. Can't wait to see it for myself. :)

Oh, and here's another reason why I can't wait to be back in KL too:

Eye On Malaysia is up and running! Such a beautiful sight ain't it?

The time is now. The place is Malaysia.

Beautiful.

Pictures and summary

2007-01-05T23:10:00.000+08:00

The pictures are here!

Of Putting up Christmas Tree in the Lee’s house. Of course, watching ‘The Night Before Christmas’ too. My phone camera only 2MP so please pardon the bad picture quality. Too bad none of us brought our camera along.

Of glorious Siew Yuk. Restaurant Kokok.

Of Christmas night. Our annual event. The gang hanging out first in Centrepoint MacDonalds and then at the Leong’s but minus the Yees. I enjoyed myself with them.Talking nonsense. And of course, the day Samuel got his nick name. He’s now “Bad Colour Samuel” in my phone.But Sam, you know we all love you just the way you are!

Of having brunch and sending off the USMers. And a bunch of university students, who were supposedly mature people, being super fascinated with flies mating.

New year's eve's eve, me and Josh were out just to get stuffs and talk. Since 1U don't extend their opening hours, we had to go to MacDonalds Centrepoint again.

On 31^stDec, with the USMers were in Penang and the Yees in land of the bombed (aka Thailand), the only ones left were yours truly, Joshua, Samuel, and Yueen San. And since Yueen San had relatives from Hong Kong in KL, she couldn’t spend the day with us but instead had to go layan her relatives who only speak Cantonese. If you know how fluent San is in Cantonese, you’d understand how much they'd enjoyed each other’s company. hehe. So, Joshua, Samuel and I were left to do things on our own. We wanted to have lunch together. Samuel wanted to get wallet. Joshua didn’t want to go to places like 1U which will be packed. So, we all went to Amcorp Mall. The flea market wasn’t around so Amcorp was very empty. Then, we put on our thinking caps and thought of watching a movie since we’d be back in uni soon and won’t have opportunity to watch a movie anytime soon. And since all the hype over ‘Night at the Museum’, we decided to watch it at Smiles Theatre at Amcorp Mall.

So, we got up to the third floor. Went to the ticket counters and realise there was no one at the counter. So, we desperados stood there for about 15 minutes calling nobody in particular but hoping that someone will attend to us. A man came out, apologized and gave us our tickets and this is how our tickets looked like. Yes, old school. Tear yourself. Chop date. Tickets with serial number.

We rushed through our lunch, which was of course the Prosperity Burger in MacDonalds. Got into the cinema late. No one to tear our tickets. How cool is that? Haha. Next best thing was this: It’s free seating! Oh gosh. Sam was kind enough to allow me to drive Joan back to church. And from there, we went our separate ways.

At night, there was VBS Thanksgiving. Oh, watching all the videos was so fun. The kids are so cute! Teaching them brings so much joy. Wished I was part of VBS. Ah,the dance was so cool and funny.

Then there was Watchnight Service in church. It was good. Got a specific word from God and a good time just reflecting and thanking God for what has happened over the past year. God’s grace, love and faithfulness truly surpass my understanding. After which, I drove Joan to Sam’s house and we then picked Joshua and Yueen San and headed to Asia Café in Subang for our mamak. Of course, this year we break our tradition of drinking and eating at Lotus. It was good meeting Chuen and Kat too.

That’s about it.

There’s no picture for this one, but I met up with Jon on the 2^nd of Jan. It was good meeting him because friendships are hard to keep and now it’s a challenge to keep the friendship going knowing that there’s no other thing that would draw us together other than our position in Christ. But, friends that I treasure, like Jon, are always a gift from God.

So the night of 2^nd January, Weng Yan, Yueen San, Joshua and I met up. It was going to be our last night out before Yanni, Josh and I go back to uni. So, we went to Giant in Kelana Jaya to shop for Yanni and Joshua’s things for uni. And then we wanted to go for a drink but thought it a better
idea if we just hang out in Yanni’s house. But as we were on our way to her house, the playground in her neighbourhood attracted us. So, like kids, we ran for the swings, played on the slides, some tried the see-saw. It was really nice. We shouted our hearts out as we were feeling depressed needing to go back to uni. Yanni and I had stresses in our hearts over the coming semester and the challenges that are ahead of us. But, it was a good way to relieve stress man. We had a really really good time. Joshua finally learnt how to swing really high. Haha. We spent our last hour in the playground taking pictures. Oh how thick-skinned we are! Hehe.

For all the good times we have had, I wish I was with you guys and that holiday never ends. But, I can’t.
For all the arguments and misunderstanding and pressing each other’s wrong button, I cherish it because through it, ties are strengthened, we get to know ourselves better, we get to know one another better.

Whatever it is, I thank God for you guys. Because friends, as cliché it might sound, are gifts from God.

Sometimes, I get sad by the fact that we’re drifting apart but I realise that no matter how far apart we are physically, you guys are always near my heart. Cheesy yes! But it is the very thoughts in my mind and heart. Because if I laugh with you and for you, if I cry with you and for you, then I know you mean a lot to me still….

I'm ready to go. Am I?

2007-01-03T13:02:00.000+08:00

I'm leaving soon and although it's just Singapore, there's a great amount of hesitance.

The way I feel when I'm home. When I spend time with friends doing the stupidest of things and laughing at each other. When I spend time with family doing the things each other love and stabbing each other with nonsensical stuffs and doing nothing. These things I will miss the most.

Yeah, I've gotten use to Singapore but I'll never get use to missing home and how much I wish I was home, at comfort all the time. It's sad la. And i'm even more sad after the time we had yesterday and just recalling all the things that has happened throughout the whole month. Too much has happened to pen it all down or rather, blog it all. But, i guess, memories will always be memories.

All good things must come to an end. And so, my time at home has ended.

There's so much uncertainties in the things ahead and I wonder does everyone who goes through their last semester in uni feels the same way. But the thought scares me so much. It adds to the reluctance of going back to Singapore. But, at the end of the day, I know what needs to be done should be done. The fact of life is that I have to go back to Singapore. Life goes on. Time can't freeze. Only memories can. And even that, we can't be sure it will always be that way.

So much to see. So much will happen. I feel so unready for the future. And I've never felt so scared and so vulnerable before. So afraid.

But, above all this, I have to remember that I'm not alone and that there is a God who loves me beyond what I think or feel. And that God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

I wish with all my heart that God be close with me because that is what I really really need right now.

I've gotta go now. Bye Bye peeps.

Christmas - not X'mas

2006-12-26T16:30:00.000+08:00

Christmas isn’t Christmas till it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts
So give your heart to Jesus
You’ll discover when you do
That is Christmas really Christmas for you

My all time favourite Christmas song. This year, the gang went for shopping on Christmas eve because some of us realise that we haven’t gotten presents for some of our friends. I got a bit depressed when I can’t think of anything to buy for a friend. Felt like such a loser. How can I call myself a friend when I can’t think of anything to buy for her? Oh gosh. So, left The Curve bout 6pm. Went for family Christmas dinner at 730pm. Put on a really fake smile all the time till it ended. Got home and stayed up till 2am preparing all the presents and even cut myself. The joy of preparing for Christmas day.

Oh this year we had a pretty interesting Christmas carolling time. I enjoyed it even though I joined in unintentionally. You see, I was out with Weng Yan for lunch. After dropping her at her home, I was thinking of going to Ikea. And since I was alone, I thought it would be fun to go together with yueen san la. Since I barely spent time alone with her this holiday. But when I called her she told me she was in an orphanage. Only then did I remember the YF was having a whole day carolling session at orphanage and old folks homes. And since I was in the area and Yueen San asked me to go, so I went la. Join them and sang and got bitten by mosquitoes. But, it was reli fun la…..Really enjoyed it all….The whole day was fun. Eventually went to Ikea with Josh and San. Our luck to be in Ikea when the power went off and no air-cond and only emergency lights on – woah, it was terrible. Then, the time spent catching up with Aliza was fun too. Ahh….so fun

Christmas day…hmmm, it was rather ordinary feeling to me. I didn’t feel like there was something to dress up to…Went to church and seeing it packed was something quite nice la. Choir did well. I’m so proud of them la. 3 weeks worth of practice and they can come up with something that well. It’s really God’s grace man! And then I came to realise, hmm…Chris can be pretty charming too, when he did his solo, erm, side profile la. Haha. I think Joshua did very well for his narration. His lines, postures, gestures, emotions, all went pretty well. Ah. So happy.

After Christmas service was over. Went to Joshua’s house for Christmas lunch and then all of us got to say hello to Charity and Cherrie. Hehe. Sorry ar Charity, I camera shy la. Hehe. Still, Merry Christmas!!! Went back and slept. And of course, as it is our Christmas Day tradition, we met up at nite and stayed in Sam’s house till 5:30am. I got back at 6:15am. I rather drive at 6am than at 3 or 4am lor honestly!!!

So overall, Christmas wasn’t exactly very super extra an emotional high for me. But being able to celebrate with friends and family was really exciting. Friends more than family I think. Whoops. Hehe.

Sigh. God, help. God, sorry. God, forgive me. God, help.

Christmas movie?

2006-12-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

I managed to catch Casino Royale yesterday. Oh it was good seeing James Bond being beaten up. I am not sadistic I am just real. Please la, the previous few James Bond movies protected James Bond like crazy. He became the hero without a scratch. I’m glad this new James Bond got many scratches. Okay, he is not good looking but did you see his eye? Oh my gosh. Such beauty. I wish I had more beautiful eyes. Haha.

Oh the cheesy lines...there were too many of them. Can vomit blood la I tell you. Still, a good watch. Hah!

I’m trying to watch Love Actually and/or High School Musical soon. I know friends who have the VCDs but these movies cannot watch alone wan. So, I’ve gotta find partners to watch it with too. Maybe Sunday or Saturday. Hehe.

Christmas on Monday.

And thanks to someone, the lines “Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away…” is in my head all the time la….

Argh.

Musing

2006-12-20T13:12:00.000+08:00

Nothing brings more happiness than being at home where friends and family are. I’ve not had much time to catch up with most of them but still, seeing their face brings warmth in my heart.

Nothing brings more joy than speaking to a friend about who Jesus is. Yesterday was a rather gloomy day. Maybe the time in Josh’s house putting up Christmas tree was short. So, the tree is up! I’ll put up pictures soon for you, charity. :) In the evening, I met up with a friend for a drink and we chatted quite a bit and somehow the conversation stirred towards spiritual matters. And I realized that nothing else brings more joy when I get to share the joy of being a child of God.

Christmas is soon. I’ve not done Christmas shopping. I’ve only watched Nightmare before Christmas as the only Christmas movie. There are other Christmas movies to watch and Christmas songs to sing along with. Need to get hold of some of these things la. Hehe.

Blessed Christmas everyone!!

Randomnesses

2006-12-06T17:34:00.000+08:00

Seeing liren today was so heart-warming. Ah, i've missed him so much. It's good to have him back. Really! I have been very tired for the past few days because I have difficulty sleeping. So, when he came and meet me today, I was looking pretty zombified and excited-less. When in fact I'm so happy to see him. Aih.

ya la. I'm so tired. I can't wait for exams to be over. Then, i can sleep like a pig (assuming that I can sleep with no problem at all). It's been very tiring not being able to rest well and also needing to study for exams. I can't wait for exams to be over!! One more paper to go and yet, it's like so far away. The paper is gonna kill me. Phonetics and Phonology. When people hear this they get all sorts of funny ideas. It's really funny when people ask me what's phonetics and phonology. haha. I dare not even imagine what kind of question my lecturer will come up with. It will instantly kill me. I need Jesus to rescue me. hehe.

I can't wait to be back home honestly! argh. This has been torturous. Missing home for so long! Argh. Terrible. And it's oni been a month since i was last back home. But time doesn't explain away homesickness. Really! I still miss home. And i can't wait to be back home. I already have my food cravings le. haha.

Awww....Thank You

2006-12-04T23:23:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, I was on the bus and was just thinking about something when God pop up a thought in my head - the thought of how I am fearfully and wonderfully made; about being specifically designed; like a clay being formed by the potter; with the maker's handprints and fingerprints on me. And of course, the song "Fingerprints of God" by SCC was playing in my head. God knows my heart because I really needed to hear that from my Maker personally, at that specific time. And to know that God knows your every heart's need and HE meets them to brought tears to my eyes. Thankfully, the bus weren't packed.

And then, as I listen to the song "Creator King" by Don Moen, I recall that thing that took place on the bus. Read the lyrics. It really is quite meaningful.

You, Who made the mountains and the sea
Measured out the universe and you make me
Echoes of the voice that called the worlds to be
Reach throughout the ages and now speak to me
You're my Creator King

You, Who made the valleys and the skies
Displayed Your love on far horizons and before my eyes
You, Who lit the stars and set the dawn in time
Called them all by name and now You whisper mine
You're my Creator King

Chorus
Who am I that You are mindful of me
Who am I that You sent Your love on me
You're my Creator King

You, Who made the darkness and the light
Sun and Moon to watch the day and guard the night
The hand that stretched the heavens like a canopy
Reaches down to cover and watch over me
You're my Creator King

There are many reasons why I enjoy listening to Don Moen. He must be one of the most established and greatest worship leader. Of course there are other great ones too but there's something about Don Moen that makes him special. Maybe because he's old. He's fatherly. His songs have impacted me even when I was very young.

Mr. Khoo Teck Hock (aka David) says his songs are too christian and I have no idea what does that mean. Well, Don Moen is a christian and he is a worship leader so I don't understand why one would not like Don Moen because his songs are too christian. haha. pardon me.

Words are not enough

2006-12-03T11:59:00.000+08:00

They say the joy of leading someone to Christ is so great that you can’t hold it back. Well, honestly, after it took place, i didn't quite feel the joy till a little later. Well, while praying, of course I was excited but to say that excitement was joy is a little of an exaggeration. And after that, i didn't quite feel the joy anymore. So, I prayed and talked to God a little. And i figured this happened: Maybe it's because God wanted to teach me that I shan't take pride in what happened and boast. To be very honest, I figure that it is very easy to have taken so much pride in what happened and to a certain extent, even boast about it. Because, I have been spending the last week and a half reading the Bible with her and just doing so much (okay, maybe not very much) during the study week when most people are preparing for exams, and honestly, it is so tempting to boast. After figuring that this is possibly what is happening: that God is teaching me to not be boastful or prideful over what has taken place, even though it is a thing that is really worth rejoicing over, I prayed and ask God for forgiveness if there is any way in me that is unrighteous and that if i even dare think that the conversion of a friend is something that I brought to pass; that it was something I DID. And gradually, I felt the peace and the joy and then I realised how I really should be rejoicing together with the heavenly beings over a soul saved. Truly, my heart goes up in Praise to the Saviour and mighty God.

And today, my mind replayed a very emotional scene, which brought tears to me eyes. The scene where my mother left me to be in Singapore. My mother came with me to Singapore to clear every single thing for me. I am truly blessed I must say. I'm not as independent as people think eh. haha. And when she left, I knew I was going to be alone. No more family. No more comfort. This will be life for me for the next minimum 6 years. When I thought of it that way, how not to cry rite? But yeah, I miss my mother. I miss my father. I miss family. BUT, I'm so excited that i'll see them in 5 days time. On friday, they will all be here. Too bad popo can't come. Still, it's so exciting thinking that I'll see family again. I'm so excited. Family!!!

Excitednya....

2006-11-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

I restricted myself to no blogging for the next one week and a half because erm, I'm in the midst of exams. But, haha. It won't work. So, here I am at midnight blogging when I have a paper tomorrow. And bearing in mind that i only slept at 6am this morning, I should be extremely tired by now and if i have any sort of wisdom, would head to bed really soon!

But, something more exciting than exams calls for this post.

Earlier this year, we witness the getting together in holy matrimony of two person whom we now know as Mr. & Mrs. Cat.

Now, they are parents. I'm so excited. I told Mrs. Cat to wait for me to come back to KL before she gives birth but I guess, the kitten couldn't wait. So, I would just sulk in misery for not being able to meet the kitten any sooner. It really has been exciting. It's extremely exciting to know your buddy gave birth and is now a mother. But, it even makes me superbly happy when the new-mother, in her physical pain and emotional delight, SMS-es me to tell of the good news! How privileged I am!!! All the way to Singapore! I get the news from the mother cat!!! For those of you who can go visit her, don't! Let her rest. She's extremely tired right now and having to entertain families and collegues and church members, she really needs rest. So, do Mr. & Mrs. Cat a favour. Send the couple a congratulatory SMS and then go buy a gift and then visit them in maybe 2 weeks time. That's wisest! haha.

Wah. So exciting!!!

And then this morning I had a chance to chat with my mommy and then just to hear another good news too. But, this is family secret. Still, two good news in one day! I'm very happy!!! Can't wait to be back in KL!!!

Today is a good day. Not only because of these two things but because many other sweet and nice things happened. :) Oh my....Thank you God...

Woah. Mind blown off....

2006-11-19T20:32:00.000+08:00

Finals are starting soon…in about 9 days more. I have not started studying yet. But, I will start tomorrow. But, now…for the updates on the happenings of the past few days….

Me and a few of my classmates went to JB yesterday for a time of fun and laughter. It was quite fun – after two hectic weeks of finishing up assignments and sitting for tests, it was good that we get time off before we start mugging for the finals. It was a good time spent though I despise how things are so much more expensive just because it is in JOHOR, next to Singapore, where the currency is double ours OR the service provided. JB, though next to Singapore: a second world country – developed but still can develop further, is in a terrible condition. Sigh. I love my country but I’m not biased. I know we are terrifically good for food but there are terrible things about us too. Sigh. So anyway, we went shopping but the bad news was, *sigh* I couldn’t withdraw money. So, I was ringgit-less. It was a terrible feeling having to eat off my friends and that kinda spoilt my mood but I was glad that I have very good friends who would allow me to eat off them and they were trying to take my mind off it. But, money-less means I can’t shop. I can’t possibly make my friends pay for my food and movie tickets and still get them to buy clothes for me rite? So, no shopping. BUT, I saw this fantastic looking blouse – it was like the ONE thing I’ve been looking for. It’s very nice. No money, no talk. But I had my pleasure in window shopping – together with my friends, as they tried on clothes, I did too. It was quite fun. Coz I know I wasn’t gonna buy anything but I would be bored if I didn’t do anything. So, I tried on clothes, like they did. And it was quite fun.

much wanted blouse

The pile that we spent 15 mins looking at. Funny that we spent 15 mins of our trip looking at these...erm, essentials...

We watched a movie. The one thing that I was so looking forward to : Happy Feet!! I wasn’t sure if it is out in Malaysia already because it wasn’t out in Singapore yet. Oh but I enjoyed it so much. Pretty idealistic but that’s one thing pardonable with cartoons rite? And oh, the music, it was nice. I came out of it feeling really happy and I didn’t mind watching it again. The thing about Warner’s Brothers is that they really touch the emotional side of me. So yeah, I tear-ed a little at one point but I’m just over-emotional. Not many people are like me. Nonetheless, it was really fun! Go watch it. Especially, if you want something light-hearted and nice to watch, something that makes you want to sing and dance…. It was entertaining.

Ticket ticket!!! Happy feet!!!!

And now, for the most important thing that happened :

On Friday, The NUS Navigators had a time of dinner together – food prepared by staff and graduates for us – so it was free dinner and it wasn’t just for us, it was for a platform for us to get our friends, Christians or non-Christians, down to have dinner together – to pray for them and bless them. Ah, I haven’t been down for nav rallies for a few weeks already. And I was starting to get comfortable not going. So, I naturally didn’t feel like going down for it as well. But, feeling obligated, I went. I brought my friend, Mary along.

Desserts

Now, let me tell you about Mary. Mary is a friend I met in a class we are taking together. Mary stood out because she was an exchange student and my lecturer always asks her questions. So, I noticed her. But I didn’t had the intention of reaching out to her or anything like that. Amongst my classmates, I was only thinking of my group of friends – terrible rite?! So, one day, after class me and my classmates had lunch together and while we were getting food, we saw Mary walked by with her tray of food and she saw us so we smiled to each other. I had wanted to ask her to come sit with us but since she just walked away, I tot “aiyah. Nvm la.” So I went and get my food and when I got to my seat, I was pleasantly surprised to see Mary there. See, she went looking for a place to sit and my very faithful friend, Ade, spotted her and invited her to sit together with us. And through that, we got to know each other better. And I would remember how much at that point, it meant something to her because she was feeling rather lonely and we were there to befriend her. Not being proud or boasting, but I’m just amazed at how God was loving her.

I have had the opportunity of sharing my faith with her and in return hear her experiences of her encounters with God and I felt that there’s something special about mary – that inasmuch as she rejected Christ, she was in search of something and I knew that the answer was Christ. And it’s really amazing. So, I was praying more after that encounter and here and there when I have lunches or dinners with her, we’d talk more openly and honestly about our beliefs. It has been good.

So, Friday she came for our dinner. Prayed very hard. Bernard, our ministry leader, shared about going to God not based on performances alone. I paid attention a little but prayed more. After his sharing and prayer, I had an inclination to talk to Mary about something – cannot procrastinate. Err…I didn’t quite know how to and what to say. So, as we were all getting ready to leave the table, including Mary and I, I stopped and ask Mary : So what do you think? I didn’t know what that question meant and what kind of respond I was expecting. But as if she read my mind, she said : Oh, dinner was good and errm, I don’t know. I gave her a *huh* look and then she continued to explain that she don’t know if she can do this – this: Christian thing. She poured out some questions she had and I tried to explain certain things. I know she had an experience of understanding Christianity, even tried to read the bible and all that, but at the end of it all, she said no. But, it’s like so superbly obvious that God is knocking at her door. So, I talked with her and guess what? She popped me an unexpected question. “So, how do I do this?” = “how do I accept Christ?”. I almost said, okay, let’s pray. But felt that something was amiss. And the next question came as a surprise to me too. I asked her: Mary, how much do you know about Jesus Christ? And she said “Well, I knew who he was and what he did but not really” I knew then what was amiss. She doesn’t know Jesus Christ and HIS work and how that all applies to her. So, I asked her : “Do you want to know more?” and I basically made an appointment to read the Bible with her to learn more. We had a pretty long conversation. And in the end, I prayed for her. And, we parted.

I was amazed at how things went. I never expected Mary to say she wants to accept Christ so fast. I’ve seen with my eyes how God is working in her. And she’s like all ready edi la. I never expected to even see anything happen through the dinner although I must have silently wished something would have happened. If not, why would I even bother to invite her for our dinner right? But, all that happened were really out of my expectations. And it was really cool! Prayers answered and best part was seeing a love relationship beginning. It’s like, God wants to reach her. She wants to reach God. There was just something lacking and God is using me to be part of meeting this lack. Woah. Privileged! Honoured! So totally didn’t expect it. I called Ade to tell her the beautiful news and how we have news for rejoicing and praying for something more specific now.

And I remember how reluctant I was a day before the dinner and wished I don’t need to go and how God is so good - that HE never did let me go. That HE used me despite how I felt. It reminded of what I heard during the women conference in Doulos. I felt so blessed. I thank God with all my heart for all that happened – to me, to mary. And to ade, it’s like our first fruit of our labour of love and in our journey of partnership!!! It’s so exciting. It’s like giving birth after 9 months pregnancy. Haha….So exciting! Ade has her story of her outreach to Mary too. It’s amazing how God is using both of us and reaching out to both of us in different ways and reaching out to Mary. It's humbling to know that God chooses to use us especially when we know who we are and what we are like. Maybe I don't truly understand God's grace but I do experience it. And as I stand before God in reflection over what happened, I am humbled and not proud. Because I cannot stand before God and try to lie to myself and take credit for what I did not do. And so, all glory and honour goes to God.

God is good…

Arts canteen and it's green tables...GONE

Beautiful Picture

2006-11-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

It was a really good time just fellowshipping - huili, zac, James and I.

The question is: Who are you? - editted

2006-11-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me
Simba: No, how could I?
Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember...

I love this scene from Lion King.

*NOTE: I have editted this post and deleted a huge chunk that was in the original post. That was done mainly because erm, I think I was letting too much of myself out into the world WIDE web. Sucks I know but still, sorry.*

A thought that ran through my mind as I read the lines in Lion King is this: yeah, as christians, so many times we forget our identity. and we don't take our place in the circle of life. and we run away...far far away. neglecting completely the things we are to do, our responsibilities, our Father's call. I speak for myself. Easier to just sing "Hakuna Matata" everyday than to face ugly uncle Scar, even if that is inevitable and a must. Sad isn't it? but yeah la.... just something for you (and definitely, I) to think of....

Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life.

Pray for me

2006-11-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

Thanks to my 4 hour sleep last night, I now feel like i can sleep till forever. I'm so tired yet there's so much to do. I'm gonna go and sleep early tonite so that I will not be sleepy tmr and hopefully tmr will be a very productive day.

And pray for me.

It's as if everything is dropping a bomb at me. Next week, I have 2 tests and 2 assignments due. Which means I will have to go crazy till the end of next week. I am already feeling rather bombarded already now. That's why I have to listen to kiddish songs to keep me sane. All other kind of songs evoke some kind of emotions in me. And emotions can overwhelm me now. I will get too tired. No time for that now. Cannot allow that to happen now. Sigh.

And I really feel like I've no time for anything. but people are coming to ask me to do this or do that. Argh. I dont have time. Not that I dowan to do for you. Not that I dowan to help. I just am very irritable lately la. If i know something is not my job scope, and I really have no time to do, I feel like shooting it in their face and saying : Why u asking me to do for u? Go do urself la. U think i very free ar? But I know that by saying that, I'm behaving like a very unkind and selfish kid. I'm sure it's not like everyone's an irresponsible cat and they are just looking for ppl to finish up their work. I trust that every single person who has come up to me and say they need help trully needs help. So, I should try my best to help. God, you sustain me okay. I gonna pengsan edi.

So now, before I really pengsan I should go and get some proper rest and wake up tmr to a whole lot of work to do and try to do them. But I cannot stay like this for long, so I'm relying on God's grace to bring me through.

I can't say this enough, but THANK YOU GOD!

2006-11-08T23:59:00.000+08:00

This is how I cope with stress: I change blog templates.

I should be sleeping now, especially when I need to wake up early tmr.

But, here's a short entry (totally not doing justice to the value of the happenings of the day!).

It being my free day, I totally messed everything up by making it not at all productive. Yes, I did some work in the morning and tried to do some work in the day time and finally managed to finish about 3 chapters of readings in the night. But trust me, it's far less than expected to have been done. Feeling rather disappointed with myself.

There was BS this evening. I wished there wasn't gonna be one so I sms-ed my girls and asked if they were coming anot (all the time silently wishing they will all not come. I know, I'm a terrible leader!) But all said they were coming. No choice la. Have to go.

I didn't feel too well. So, all I could do was just commit it to the Lord. I prayed like mad because I felt totally hopeless and a great sense of I-cannot-do-this! And you could probably expect this, God is good!

Today, one of the thoughts that came to me was this: I'm a terrible leader. I know why God wouldn't want to enlarge my territory. I know why i'd be left with the same girls year in, year out. (not that I dont like them, but I of course wish for an enlarged territory) hah. No laughing matter. Infact, a very sad fact. Because to me, it reflects how faithful a servant I am - and that means, NOT FAITHFUL.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to me but I was pleasantly suprised at how well BS went even though (1) I didnt prepare for BS today and (2) Me and Feli didnt get time to pray for the session before it started. And I really thank God because I felt like I've never been shot with so many questions at one time before and I went (silently of course) "aih. Questions again. I don't know la." But of course, when donno, shoot the questions back to other people and in the meantime, shoot prayer arrows to God. Then, step out in faith and the words came like as if it was all in my mind all along. The way Bible verses came together. And like I said, this shouldn't come as a surprise. It's not like this is the first time this is happening. God is answering my prayer and guiding me.

Theresa SMSed Weiting,who forwarded the msg to me, saying she enjoyed today's session and wished to join us for our next BS. How did I react? "Hmm....okay" Don't exactly know what to say. Let it sink in for a while and then I knew what God was trying to do. He was encouraging me.

But more than that, it was a reminder. Because even before I step into the ex-co, I hesitated because I really want God to enlarge my territory and not be bogged down with admin work. Gah, dislike admin work! And day in day out, I pray for God to bring me to people who needs HIM. But, time to time, when I evaluate, I notice how unfaithful I am to the work HE has given me. FAIL. But God today reminded me how throughout this semester, no matter how much a failure I think I am or how unfaithful I think I am, God is still enlarging my territory. HE has brought people to me (instead of me going to people), He has placed a burden in my heart for certain people and like it or not, I see progress in the girls I'm in contact with.

And do I say it's me? Oh please. I still say that I am a big big failure. And trust me, I don't do much. I really don't. So, even as much as I'd like to take credits for myself, I can't! Because I know how much I have done and I know that with that teeny weeny bit of effort and seeing the fruit that it bore, all I can say is that it is not what I have done. But it is all God's work!

Good Grief!!

2006-11-08T10:03:00.000+08:00

There's something about Peanuts that I like.

Now, almost everything goes : Good Grief!!!

Part 2

2006-11-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

The second event would be:

Walk His Trail by Footstool Players

We didn’t do an official headcount, but the attendance was probably about 600 people. With the hall packed and with chairs in the aisles, the room temperature rose so much so that Joshua was complaining that it was warm. And well, up in the gallery, it’s always cold, never warm.

It sucked that the PA system gave problems because honestly, I had difficulty trying to even catch some of the words that people were saying – esp the newbies in the team. It’s not easy trying to throw your voice at a hall packed with 600 odd people. And, I was sitting in the gallery. So, yeah, it was a little hard trying to catch every single word.

I was pleased to see some old team members there – ie: Jon and Geri. It’s nice to know that footstool is expanding but when you’ve seen many of footstool production with Colin, Jon, Sean and Geri, you kinda have certain expectations and I guess, it’ll take some time before some of the newbies match the standards of the pioneers of footstool players. Still, I salute them for the kind of commitment each of them has put into this production. I can’t imagine the weeks and hours of rehersal and touring! Oh gosh. I’m sure they are glad it has finally ended.

Go and read about the play here.

A few things really warmed my heart from the play:

Seeing how God really brought people together. Jim Elliot and his friends and each with their wives. Seeing too that God will provide the people for the work. God will knock on each person’s heart and when they respond, they are part of a very glorious work. Sometimes, we never understand how glorious things can be.

Seeing how Jim Elliot and his friends went out of the way to love. They didn’t even get to share the gospel,(the bridge illustration way). All they managed to do was to show their love to these tribal people and they got killed for that. Out of the way. Reckless abandon to show love. Why? Because God is love. Deeply touched.

When Jim Elliot exclaimed : "I have prayed for 5 years and now they are finally opening up. Thank You God”, my heart cried out “God, I have prayed for 6 years now. When can I see them embrace you?” I know God is working. I have seen it in the lives of the people I am praying for. I continue to pray and do as I can.

How each wives struggled when their husbands are willing to die just to show love. They will be widows in a jungle, totally out of comfort zone. They went to Ecuador with their husbands and will leave without one. Struggle and struggle. But was a good reminder that God is their first love and know that God will be each person’s shepherd. There was no need to fear although fear is almost impossible in times such as those. Their struggle was so real. Never easy to let go eh? But God is my first love and I cannot forget that. In whatever love I seek for from a man, I should first seek these in God. Because God’s love is greater than a man’s love.

Jim Elliot and his friends died. Elisabeth Elliot and some people carried on the work. That was how the gospel penetrated into the lives of the Aucas. I wondered what would have happened if Elisabeth Elliot didn’t continue the work but instead wallowed in pity and go back to USA. I mean, how scary it is to face the very people who have killed your husband and even more scary to have children with you. So, carry on the work. A lesson penetrated deep into me.

To love God and His word so much. To experience Him so mightily that it compels me to give my life to Him for who else deserves such worship. To love His people. To love the lost. To have His heart as mine own. To be obedient. To be faithful.

A man after His own heart is hard to find. A man who recklessly abandons everything to show God’s love is hard to find. A man who loves God with all His heart, soul, mind and strength is hard to find too.

Full time missions, wait for me....Here i come!!! hehe....God, work something out.

It was a very good day - part 1

2006-11-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

The two performance I went for on Saturday are worth a blog post each. I’ll see how this goes anyway.

Jee Aun’s Kindergarten Graduation Concert

It was extremely irritating. With participating 11 kindergartens, it was extremely patience testing when the emcees were just two noisy women yaking all the way. Trust me, it was so irritating that my father and I walked out half way through the concert. It was extremely irritating and boring. So, what why is this blog worthy? Because my brother won “Student of the Year” award. I was and still am a very proud sister. And I can’t imagine how proud my parents are.

And during the whole prize giving ceremony, my mind went back to when I was in kindergarten. How I was loved by my teachers and how at the same time, I was a laughing stock by the way I would “warn” my teachers not to scold me. I was a very daring child. Maybe spoke too much. But I remember how I conducted the song during our graduation concert too. It was so fun. But, as I sat there and watch parents, I was just so moved to see how it is so difficult to bring children up the right way, how all they want for their kids are nothing less than good, how every single’s parent faced glowed in pride as they see their son/daughter on stage – they must be the happiest persons on earth. It’s amazing. And then, I went into the “I want to be a mother” mood but at the same time doubted my ability to be a good one.

Back to the concert.

So, they had an inter-kindergarten dance competition and it was so entertaining!! Some of these kids can really dance! And oh gosh, they are so cute!

Jee Aun’s kindergarten won the best dance! Haha. Again, a very proud sister I am. They choose the nicest song. This one, I’m not bragging. Many kindergarten choose songs from this year’s world cup and I have no idea why. Many children can’t dance to those songs. So, it was quite bleah. But my brother’s kindy was really cool! They danced to Lion King’s “The Circle of Life”, which is so awesome. But the dance was even greater. They had kids in all sorts of animal costume – birds, leopards, caterpillars, and all sorts la…they of course had trees too. So, all the animals was out there dancing to the song and then came the most important people – the prince and princess (aka Simba and Nala). My brother was the prince and oh boy he was so good looking! Soooo good looking! Faith was the princess and she was so cute!!! They looked good together. Hah. My brother’s costume cost approx RM200. I’m very sure the princess’ costume cost waaay more. But anyhow, he did really well. I was so impressed!!! SO impressed. I have pictures and videos but they’re all back in KL. When I do have it, I’ll post it up.

As I looked at the kids and the teachers, I went back to think again whether I should teach kids or not. I am gifted in handling kids, very gifted. And I enjoy teaching kids. It’s so fun! I’ve always had this dilemma. To teach a group that I am gifted in or a group that I can impact greatly? I don’t know. I enjoy the youth work but I guess, kids work are much easier, less tension – at least for me la. And I don’t know what joy comes out of teaching secondary school kids (or older) but I know the fulfilment of teaching younger kids. And going to work is never a problem. Oh gosh. So how? Pray lor….

Stress come. Stress go.

2006-11-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

Maybe I get stressed often but I rarely get this stressed. How stress? Stress until cannot sleep and stress until walk also can fall down. Yes, I fell in school today. I know!! So totally embarrassing!! Thank goodness it wasn't an unglam fall.

So, why so stress? Because all my lecturers decide to be very gracious and all at the same time decide to either have a test or an assignment due in the same week and it is the one week before the reading week. That means, it's in about one and a half weeks. Now, this sucks. Because, I have to rush so many projects and study for tests and then, my last lap for this semester starts - i gotta start studying for finals. Somehow, I wish I took some 100% CA module. Then, donnit to study for exam. Yay! Sigh. No excuse la. Have to study like mad this semester.

I kept telling myself from the moment I wake up this morning that I must not be stress coz God can take care of everything. The whole time, that was the only thing in my mind. And guess what? I had a good time talking to Ruth today, a better time talking to Wei Ting and it was uphill from then on. But, when I'm given opportunity to be alone, then argh, stress comes and nudge me a little. Argh. This time, really thank God for Ade. I really wanted to vomit blood edi. We have to cover a breaking news for our media writing module. So, we both want to do on the relocation of a bus interchange. So, what do we do? GO all the way down to the bus interchange and talk to SBS people, bus drivers, eavesdrop on people complaining about the interchange. Ade spoke to most people. I was her official photographer. Haha. It's so funny coz I almost got banged as I cleverly stood in the middle of the road taking a picture. Woah. Want to die ar?! haha.

You can probably tell. I'm a little crazy now.

I'm thankful to God for Ade because not only did she took the load off me by talking to most people, she took time off to pray together. Hehe, I would have flunked embarrassingly trying to talk to people at the bus interchange anyway since I can't speak Mandarin for nuts. But, still, she graciously just allowed me take tonnes of pictures, which I honestly don't even know if we need. I think praying with someone was something that I really really needed. Yes, I get super uptight when my schedule is interfered. (My schedule was all messed up when I got hungry and had to eat and when the time at the interchange took longer than I expected). So, anyway, it was a good time just praying and catching up. She says she feels that I'm quite light hearted - ie: not very burdened - although I keep saying that I'm stressed. Guess that whole psyching myself that God is in control did help! hehe. But the better part is this: I left with an even lighter heart.

Tonnes of it to do but just do what I can. Take things a step at a time. I cannot afford to be so stressed over so many things. I am glad I choose a topic for Critical Discourse Analysis that is a personal interest : COMICS. Haha. I somehow couldn't find Marvel comics in the school library but they had tonnes of LAT. And you know, you'd be suprise to find this out but NUS has many research books on Dilbert. Yes, Dilbert! Probably one of the lamest and funniest comic character I must say but to know that people actually research into it is extremely amusing. Haha. Look who's talking rite? I am going to analyse comics too. not research but still, analyse. I'm crazy. Janice probably thought I was crazy when I first came up with the topic but it's seriously super interesting la. And, i never realised this but NUS has tonnes of books on comics la. Oh there's even a book entitled : The Theology of Peanuts. Goodness gracious me. Trust me, it IS a theology book. (And additional interesting point is that it was located in the NUS Medical Library. Now, why would it be there?) Now, it is SO interesting that my mentor asked whether she can read the book anot. Mind you, an extremely busy woman is interested to read a comic book is news! It's on theology. Oh my goodness. This is so coool. Now you know why I like what I study. Because it's amazing! It's so fun!

Phonology and Semantics and Morphology and Syntax and Pragmatics and what have you are all just one side to being a linguist. When you apply all that to practical aspects of life, oh boy, it's amazingly interesting.

And, I know I will be able to sleep well tonight because I'm not stressed anymore. Stress for me is like having periods. It comes and it goes. Periods stay longer. Stress usually are much shorter. Now it is gone. YAY!!!

God is good.

We need reminders from time to time

2006-10-29T23:59:00.001+08:00

On Thursday, Edgar reminded me about being humble before God.
On Friday, Ade reminded me about surviving on God’s sufficient grace.

I really needed to be reminded of these things. Thank God for brothers and sisters who are there to just nudge me on bit by bit.

I am a very unique species. I can be very proud of who I am, yet at the same time suffer from low-self esteem. And there’s one part of me that I have always been very happy of. But it got blown away pretty hard on Thursday. You see, I’ve always known that whatever good there is in me is not from me but from God. I’ve always known that. But, I’ve never really asked God how to use this gift. Well yea, I asked Him for help when I struggle to smile and lighten atmosphere, ease things up, laugh and joke about things. At when I meet someone in need for an encouraging word, by God’s grace, am able to meet that need. Of course, again I say, it’s not I but God working. However, strange as it may be, I seem to have gotten more proud about the way God has worked in me, the gifts he has given me, the abilities in me. And this really shouldn’t happen. And realising that I suck really points me back to know that there’s nothing good in me that God should look upon me and say “I could use her”, makes me bow my knees in humility knowing that God chose to exercise His love, grace, mercy, power through me. And that whatever good is in me, is really not because I worked for it or that I deserved it but it is God’s gift and in my exercise of these gifts, I better be careful to use them for the glory of God. Thank God we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, not forgetting brothers and sisters who’d teach us too.

And Ade’s note to me was complementary too. It taught me to see that the gifts that God gave to me were really His grace poured out on me. And I do not need to survive on my own strength. I do not need to struggle through life experiences with my own abilities because God’s grace is there for me to cling upon.

And then, there’s the whole question about how I am serving God with my studies. And I’m glad that Isaiah 40 answered that for me. A question I had all throughout Friday and on Saturday, as I did my QT, it became pretty clear to me. Thank God for that.

Isaiah 40: 6 – 8

The voice said “Cry out!”
And he said, “What shall I cry?”
“All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers, the flowers fades, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever.”

So, the question, “How do I serve god with my studies?” And the answer is above. I cry out – cry out the word of God. Because that is what that stands for eternity. Personal revelation. Woah. Exciting.

And today in church, we were talking about evangelism, and as we were talking about it, I was challenged by some of the leaders in my group and how they really just have a heart to reach out to those in their community. Uncle Eric and Uncle Andrew were such great encouragements. Morris was extraordinary in having such great big ambitions too. And I tried to see where I fitted and how I’ve grown in this area. And only God could have brought about the change in my attitude towards evangelism. From passive participations to a more active participation. I pray for even more active participation. And to know and feel God’s heart for people.

I’ve said much. Bottom line is that God is very good and I pray for Him to continue to work in me that I may exemplify Jesus in my behaviour and be the very woman God so desires.

xxx

And here are some pictures from the weekend.

David and Radika came over to the Lee Villa (where I stay) and we had a good time just cooking and eating. I think Radika and David had a pretty good time on the guitar and the piano respectively. :) I had a good time just cooking. Cooking makes me happy but the best is that they were there to help buy the ingredients and cook together. And then, eating the fruits of our labour. haha. Satisfying. Although, extremely disappointed that the Ikan Assam Pedas was neither Assam or Pedas. (At least not pedas enough for me la). But, the others were good. And it was the company that always makes it best. :)

Home cooked by JeeLee, Radika and David. :)

And while I was washing the fish, the fish fins were evil and decided to stab me. So, this is what happened.

Injured by the fish

Yeap. That's it for me for now. :)

Time, STOP.

2006-10-25T12:03:00.000+08:00

I know why I am hungry. That's because the last I ate was about 18 hours ago. How to not be hungry rite? I'll go dig some food out later. For now, I'll blog.

Yesterday's Hari Raya visitation was quite cool. I learnt much about Sara and her family while the learn more about the malay culture. Not that I know every single thing about the culture. But I know quite a lot la. I can't help it. I have malay relatives. But the most ego boosting thing that happened was this: Sara's mother complimented my way of eating. Hah. No, it's not the table manners. It's the way I complement my food. It's like the way I eat lemang. I eat it with all the dry stuffs like Rendang and Sotong masak sambal. You don't possibly eat lemang with lontong. Haha. now, that felt good. But sigh, I miss the Hari Raya food in KL. First of all, lemang is not exactly my favourite staple. But Sara's mom cooked pretty well I must say. Her beef rendang was exceptionally delicious. Ah, too bad it takes very long to cook it. If not, i'd have cook rendang sometime soon. haha. Despite having my ego boosted, the one thing i'm most happy about is that I learnt something about Sara and her family. And it is when you see the family that you learn more about your friends. :)

I really have a lot to do. But there are so many other things I wish I could do. Like, travelling, picture taking, cycling, play monopoly. But, I have to study. I have to do assignments. I have projects to complete. I have tests to study for. I have Bible Study to prepare for. And ministry summore le. Aiyoh. God, grant me strength le.

No time for matters of the heart. Haha! How funny.

For now, it's time to eat. hehe.

Strangeness...

2006-10-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

A few nights ago I was just telling Geoffrey that if he knew what kind of person I was and am, he’d freak out. If the nus navigators knew the kind of person I was and am, they’d freak out. It’s not that I don’t let them into my life but hey, I’ve only been here for 2 years and 3 months. And out of that duration, I spend about 3 months a year in KL. So I spend maybe about 21 months in Singapore. How much can they get to know me in 21 months? Of course those who spend more time with me know me more those less, know me less. Logic. But, even then, there are things that I don’t tell them. Like it or not, our past shapes who we are right now. There are some things in the past that are pretty much connected to who I am right now and these things people here don’t know. Not because I don’t want to tell them but I guess, Singapore is a fast pace country and they only move forward. No backwards. And if I move backwards, I’m strange. I already am.

I guess, to a large extent, although I blog quite openly and I’m rather open to people in my friendships, I am still rather close. Many of my friends don’t know what makes me crazy. They don’t know my hobbies. Many people don’t know a lot of things. And I guess, I’ve not met someone interested enough in me to want to know. Hah. Maybe that’s what I really want to rant about today. But, nah.

Am I a natural fight-starter? Today, just today, 2 persons have said something to me that make me feel as if I said something wrong and they had to put me down. Did I? If I were the fightsty woman I used to be, the stubborn, i-don’t-care-what-kind-of-person-you-are-and-i-still-want-to-shoot-you-down kinda woman, I’d probably have used words to slap them back. But, I just kept quiet. I’ve learnt my lesson. God teaches well. Keep quiet. There’s no use to fight back especially when it’s not something very important, even though both issues were something very close to me and I know I’d most of the time give up some verbal fight first. I’m the I’ll-show-it-to-you kind, especially when you try to prove me wrong, Especially when I know I am right. But, I’m learning. I’m learning.

Don't hate me. I'm learning.

Awed

2006-10-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

Having received unmeasurable amount of grace, I am thankful to God for all that He is and He has done for me. God has been good to me.

When Bernard asked us (ex-co members) to attend a meeting to listen to the International Director of the Navigators, Mr. Mike Treener, I was at a high! Yes, I want to go and hear from a godly man and learn. Came today, I was tired and was feeling rather lazy. How sometimes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I attended it anyway.

And the rest of my time in the Nav HQ was extremely encouraging. Seeing a man like Mike was very humbling to me and a great reminder too. When I see men and women of God being put in positions that grant them the label “saints” or “godly people” or “holy people”, I often picture a man with a tie, probably a tux, heads up high in confidence, speaks eloquently. (If a woman, dresses very well, likewise, heads up high in confidence, speaks eloquently…) But Mike didn’t have that appearance. A tall man, he walked in with a hunch, no tie, no tux, just a shirt and a pair of slack, and quiet. He spoke in such gentleness that I was so drawn to it. And as He spoke and shared of the passion in His heart, the heartbeat on God’s heart, I was so moved. He didn’t had to have “model essays” to get my attention. He got my attention when he showed that he loved God and all he wanted to do is to love God and serve Him. How can people not be drawn by such aroma of Christ in Mike? Of course it’s pretty impossible.

Mike “taught” us how to be a disciple, living and discipling among the lost. But what I took home with me was a very valuable lesson – probably something I shamefully confess, as something I need to learn and relearn – the lesson of: faithfulness. Not about God being faithful but about me being faithful. God is forever faithful and I cannot change that. But I am least faithful and I can and NEED to change that.

I had a very encouraging chat over lunch with Yin Wah. She and I shared how we can pray for one another and as she asked me how she can pray for me, I struggle to find an answer. Not because there’s nothing to pray for me but I think there’s too many. I was on a struggle to pick one. Then, I shared how it is a struggle for me to be faithful in ministry when there’s so much school work. I hate to divide but in the aspect of discipleship, it has been trying; in the aspect of evangelism, doors and hearts of people are opening up and that means more work. And sometimes I feel that school work is really burdensome. Leave me alone and I can do what I love best: ministry. But, let’s not get to there. And it is amazing because God has been answering my prayers. One by one, my friends are opening up. I wait patiently for one day when all my friends whom I’ve been praying for come to know the Lord. They come up to me, each one, opening up their lives before me and I know God is not only answering my prayer He is also giving me the privilege of being the one planting at least one seed. God is giving me the privilege to have my name jotted down for my friends’ life. Oh how I am unworthy. And I struggle because when I see the work that needs to do, I cannot cope because stress level goes up high and I don’t deal with stress very well. I need prayers. I need to be faithful. I need to be initiative. I need to love with the heart that Jesus loves. But, I thank God because Yin Wah really encouraged me by telling me how much she thinks that God has given me this “gift” where people feel comfortable to open up to me. And I really appreciate her affirming me this – coming from a godly woman herself. Amazing.

xxx

There’s nothing to shout about of Vivo City. Trust me. And it is the supposedly new biggest shopping mall in Singapore. I think Suntec is still bigger though. Design is creative but strange. I guess, art can be strange sometimes. Creative but not wise. The aisle is far too narrow and the gap between is far too wide.

xxx

I want Mark Schultz’s “Song Cinema” album.

Go watch Petronas’ advertisements for Deepavali and Hari Raya. The former a funny one while the latter a touching one. And yes, the touching one moved me to tears. I enjoy Petronas’ advertisements. Not many people can come up with advertisements like theirs.

Do I need to say more? I love Malaysia (and Malaysia’s products?)

Where is thy faith?

2006-10-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'll try to blog something. If it don't make sense, just ignore it.

So, today initially started pretty well but I guess, the things of yesterday did affect me a little today. So, it wasn't the best of all starts but it was good that I had QT with some Nav people today. It's always good to have QT together with others. And it's amazing how God speaks to each of us (somewhat) differently even though we might be meditating on a similar verse. God's a personal God eh. :)

Met up with Grace and tried to just talk to her and hopefully somewhere in our conversation, she will be encouraged. I am glad she did. :)

But, when I came home, I had a tinny weeeny argument with Bryan. It sucks because we were "arguing" about marriage. I guess, it was a sensitive issue. I didn't feel like talking about it. But it sucks to have an argument with a friend 8-hours-flight away from you. The good thing was that he called (though it was much later) and we talked. It was definitely nice knowing that a friend would call you up to patch things up (tho they weren't really in a mess in the first place) even though you're 8-hours-flight away from each other. :)

And I wouldn't want to talk about the rest of the tinny weeny arguments that I had with other people today. It's not worth picking on them because they were tinny weeny and it wouldn't weigh even 1 cent. My bad because I'm extra sensitive today so whatever people said carried more weight. But it's strange, because I didn't get angry or pissed. I just got s a d. Yes, I realised I don't really like arguments. Yeap, I don't. So, I got very sad today when I started arguing with Bryan. Please don't argue with me because I have a very weak heart.

People think I'm much stronger than I actually am.
People think I'm much strong-willed than I actually am.

Oh well, people change.

I am always very suprise when I find out something new about me. And today I found out 3 things.

(1) I am very much shy-er than I would like to admit. Timid looking girls might be braver than me. Really!! I will not tell you how I found out but I am amused.

(2) I am still very naughty, mischievous.....whatever you can think of. I can think of all sorts of naughty things to do. But good girls like me should not be mischievous or naughty. We should be good girls and behave totally like one. haha.

(3) I am probably cuter (in my behaviour) than I actually know! Hah! You see how this contradicts point (1)? Okay okay. I actually hate to say this but people have been saying I'm cute. Oh gosh. Stop it! Because cuteness totally don't describe me. I'm a naggy, serious woman - infact, too serious for my age. Hah! (Then again, too mischievous for my age too). Anyway, so stop saying I'm cute, because I'm not. haha. Den again, I might be. I'm just hating to accept it. haha. Talk about bein shy man. I'm so not-shy la. (but no! I am very shy!)

Don't say I'm picky about BGR relationships. I cannot not be. Kat, your post struck something in me. Sometimes, I do secretly wish I was a little bit more cincai. I'm not saying I should be more cincai in bgr issues. Just perhaps more Cincai with other things. Yeah...

Ecclesiastes

2006-10-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

I found it strange that I couldn't think of anything interesting that happened to me last week. Surely, God wouldn't bore me rite? There were many interesting things that happened last week but I just couldn't share them because many of them were very private. (And trust me, I don't confide in as many people as I used to) It's just wiser to keep things to the bare minimal - at least for now.

You need to see my handphone screensaver - it's a picture of a very cute baby girl and the favourite baby in church for me and one more friend. I was missing that friend on Friday. Missing the baby too. So on my way to nav rally, I was starting to feel like taking off and going home. Because I made dinner appointments already and because I was in charge of the ice-breakers for the rally, I couldn't really leave la. So, stayed. But, God brought a very special gift. Really! This lady sat next to me and she was carrying a cute indian baby girl. (Chinese babies are cute but generally, Indian babies cannot be not cute!) And this mother had a friend who was of course trying to capture the attention of the baby. But you know what amused me? That this cute baby girl had wanted to play with me instead. She even tried talking to me. (And her mother said it was difficult to get her to talk earlier on. But now she wants to talk). The baby reached out for my hand. She wanted to touch me. She wanted to play with me. And i'm quite sure it wasn't because I'm chinese because her mother's friend was a very fair lady too. I didn't dare play with her especially when her mother wanted the baby to play with her friend. So, i just did funny faces and tried to communicate to her with baby language la. She laughed till she drooled la. It's an amazing happiness when you see babies so happy!! It was that happiness that carved a smile on me face throughout the night. :) And a few people that night asked me what makes me happy. Simple: A beautiful smile.

To know that God gives second chance warms my heart. You see, last year there was a girl I was intending to reach out to. And I had gone out of my comfort zone to care for this girl but as she started to drift away from me, I stopped pursuing too. Even when I pray for her and felt God tugging and causing me to want to reach out to her, I never took up the first step to start. I just sat back at my chair waiting for God to do something. I've ignored God's tugging a few times and yet God is still giving me a second chance. So, this girl has come up to me a few times this semester, wanting to open up to me. I am amazed. So, I am meeting her later today for lunch and I hope things will go well. Thank God that He still chose to use me even though I feel totally incapable of doing anything.

Right now, I'm just confused because my heart isn't in sync with my mind. Does the heart behave rationaly? I don't think so. But, God in His grace and love will point my mind and heart to an unconfused state in His time.

For now, I know we've lived seperate lives for a long time. Inasmuch as the heart wants something we had back, the mind knows it doesn't really want that. So, I'm torn. For what is ahead, I'll leave it to God because there's nothing really much I can do about it. All I can do as far as this issue is concerned is to pray. And as far as praying is concerned, I am also praying for you. I have been for the past 6 years and I know this will not all be in vain. You know I don't give up so easily. You know I'm pretty strong willed. I didn't give up on you 5 years ago. I won't give up now. I will still pray.

And the conclusion of the matter is this: "Fear God and keep HIS commandments" says Solomon.

Smile...

2006-10-14T23:29:00.000+08:00

Here are the beautiful ladies.....Wah. How thick skinned can I be rite? hehe.

Somehow, Petra, Felicia and I are always wearing the same colour scheme clothes. So cool. We're so united!!! hehe. So happy.

PS: Leng, See, I put up nice pictures too. Not only of disgusting toes. Bleah. :p

clash

2006-10-13T00:01:00.000+08:00

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21

I think for a strange moment, my heart doesn’t belong to where it should rightly be so. There are the plans in my heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Although the plans in my heart is something that God shares, I think the reason for my discomfort right now is not right and not pleasing to Him. And it is unhealthy when I give reasons to allow for depression.

It’s the first time I’m bothered about it. I shouldn’t be – at least not this much.

Whatever it is, let the Lord’s purpose prevail!

It's frightening - really.

2006-10-11T11:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday during our CDA (Critical Discourse Analysis) class, my friend Janice ( a fellow Malaysian) turn and ask another friend Sara (a Singaporean) this: Do you think Singapore or Malaysia is more racist?

Sensitive subject isn’t it?

But, here’s the funny thing. Singaporean prides themselves of how diverse the culture in Singapore is. Yes, there’re Chinese, Indians, Malays. So what if they tolerate each other’s race? I mean, almost every country in the world will have a combination of races in a particular city. If so, every city can then claim they have a diverse culture. So, what makes it all different?

In my first year here, I was utterly shock to find out that one of my close friend (who is a Chinese) has only ONE friend who is not a Chinese. Woah. 20 over years living and you only have one non-chinese friend. Utterly unbelievable right? I’m sure most of us Malaysians cannot imagine it right?

Okay. So, Singapore has a majority population of Chinese. Malaysia has a majority population of Malays. And I am quite sure that the Malays in Malaysia has more than one friend from other ethnic groups or race groups.

So Sara pointed out, there’s very little knowledge about each other’s race and practices. Whatever (little) people know, it is taught in school. Not because they have friends who will educate them. She then, turn to another of our friend, a fellow Singaporean and ask her what does she know about why Sara fasts during Ramadhan. And of course, her answer was surprisingly funny. And it’s interesting that people can live in such ignorance.

The Malays are fasting for one month and people don’t even know why they fast. It says quite a bit doesn't it?

So, how diverse is this culture really? Or is everyone just living their own lives, oblivious to the other different lives there are?

Ignorance.

Which brings me to the next point: the US is panicking over the nuclear test conducted by North Korea. The newspaper is filled with comments about it. The newspaper takes it as of very high newsvalue. Yet, there are people who do not even know what is happening around the world. We live in our own little world, oblivious to what happens out there. I cannot not say this but : kita semua seperti katak di bawah tempurung la. All sorts of countries are reacting towards what happened in North Korea but the people are all living in ignorance. I mean, how difficult is it to access newspaper? There’s e-newspaper. Everything is at your fingertips. Oh gosh. Sorry ya guys. It’s just something that is rather frightening – when people are living their lives so ignorant about what happens around the world. The very least I hope all of you know is that Google bought over YouTube – at least for those who uses YouTube.

It’s suprising isn’t it? How ignorant a person can be? The world is going nuts over North Korea’s nuclear test and here we are sitting in our own chairs not even knowing it and concentrating on how bad the weather is – ok fine, it’s hazy – still?!

PS: In my opinion and my replies to comments, nothing is meant to personally attack anyone or any citizenship. My thoughts are just directed at a situation that is more-a-less pervasive in many parts of the world. Just the thought of ignorance is frightening. I point out Spore because it is where my observations started but it doesn't mean that Sporeans are the only ones "to blame". :) Readers from other place might be able to apply the sentiments shared here to the place they are at right now too. Cheers.

It's not you

2006-10-09T01:42:00.000+08:00

It's so unsettling.
Because I am upset.
And upsetness is irrelevent to whether you understand the situation or not.
I can't tell whether I understand or not.
I think I do. (and sympathize with you)
But many times, I think I don't.
Because inasmuch as I sympathize, I don't understand the decisions you've made.

And I am not only upset with you.
I am upset with myself.
Because I know the reason why I do not understand the decisions you've made is because I have placed judgement and expectations on you that I now know you cannot meet and it is totally unfair of me to placed those upon you.

And for all those, I am sorry - truly I am.
And I have to find a way to settle with how I am feeling because I know I cannot talk to you about it.

God, help me.

(and I can't help but feel that I'm such a terrible person for feeling this way. sigh)

2006-10-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

Todayness....

2006-10-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

The condition of the air outside of the house is horrendous. It’s scary! I’m talking about the haze. I don’t know how is it in Malaysia but in Singapore, visibility is reduced to two to three kilometres (from 10 kilometres)! It’s scary really. It hurts my eye and my nose. It’s terrible really.

I met up with the lecturer from NIE today. She reminds me so much of Ms.Yeo. Oh goodness. She doesn’t say “Bye bye” on the phone too. They must be long lost twins! I can’t believe I had dinner with such a lady. Don't get me wrong, I don’t hate them. They are just so principal-like. And I'm not really very comfortable with that. I ask her what does she lectures in NIE, and she said "I lecture principles and HOD (Head of Dept). WOAH. Totally got blown away man. Oh well, it was a good dinner really! She's really quite nice and humourous. When people like herself cracks a joke, I stare at them in disbelief. It's like so un-them. haha. But, she spoke to me about NIE mainly. And she thinks it is important that I get an education cert from NIE. And oh well, the reason for me wanting to be a teacher is also because it eases my entrance into countries. I can do whatever I want once I gain entrance. And if having an education cert from NIE makes it all the more easier, then okay lor. I will suffer the next 3-4 years so that I can achieve what I want to. What is 3-4 years compared to 10 years in a foreign country doing work that I find passion in?

Ah, pray. Today I met up with a dear sister. And all I can say is this: pray. You know, the Operation World guy quoted this:

When men work, men works
When men pray, God works.

Not saying that we don’t work of course. But, pray people. Pray.

God is VERY good la....

2006-10-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

My toe has a blister! This sucks. So, today I was walking around school with a blistered toe. Thankfully it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today has been extremely encouraging.

Noon time I was at Nav HQ listening to this guy from Operation World tell us about the state of the gospel penetration to the world. It was really eye opening. It was really good because through the presentation, I see the needs, I see what can be done – I see what I can do. I see what I need to do. It was extremely encouraging. Gloria asks me, “so what did you take back from the presentation?” And I exclaimed, “India!!!” haha…Yes, India.

But at the back of my head, I hesitate. Why do I hesitate? Because throughout the year, I’ve had nightmares that makes me not want to go to India. And also my heart for the sons and daughters of Ishmael has increased and oh well, I’ve always think that this heart means that my mission field would be in Malaysia. I mean, my own country needs missionaries and I’m a citizen. What a better privilege than that right? So, once given that privilege, use it!

Then, I went for another talk organised by VCF. And one thing the guy said struck a very hard cord in me. He said “sometimes the devil tries to hinder us by painting nightmare pictures”. Wow! That could be exactly what the devil is trying to do. I’ve thought of that before but I am too scared to think about it too much – think about whether the nightmares I’ve had are the devil’s way of hindering me to not want to go to India. So, after he put it that way, it was like “That’s it! That’s exactly what the devil is trying to do with all the nightmares” (I’ve had one recently again!) Because, I remember very clearly having a burning desire to want to go to India and then the nightmares came and then, almost immediately, the desires vanished and I don’t ever want to go into India to do missions. Talk about fear. Talk about the devil’s work. It should have been more obvious to me earlier.

I’m not saying that I’m confirmed and very sure that India is the place God would want to send me too. But for now, I’m very interested to go to India again. The passion is back. The desire is back. Because now that I’ve recognised the work of the devil, I’ve recognised the fear he was planting in me. I’m going to face it and I’m going to stare at it in the face and fight it!

Have you ever shared the gospel with someone and then that person says “I cannot accept it but thank you for sharing with me. I am really very inspired”? I had a girl say that to me today. It was very interesting because I normally hesitate to share the gospel with people whom I don’t have very established friendship with. But today, I felt I should share. I felt compelled to share and so I did. It was really very interesting because we talked for a very long time and it was very encouraging to me because I saw with my own eyes (maybe the eyes of my spirit) that there was a change – before and after the sharing. She wasn’t as defensive as she was at the beginning. It was really cool. And when she thank me, it was like “woah. Are you really thanking me?” And when she said “I am really very inspired me”, I was like “Woah. God, thank You!!!”

God is very good la…..

Today is my free day. And I met up with so many people….Am so exhausted from the running around done today. So tired. But totally fulfilling. I’m so happy. I’m so filled with joy.

Thank You, LORD. It’s truly very humbling that You would use even me. Thank You!!

My life is not my own

2006-10-04T00:47:00.000+08:00

My ears are burning hot now and I have no idea why. Could it be heaty Shelby? hehe.

Things are happening so fast. Oh gosh. Slow down!

Today I got an email from this lady teaching in NIE(National Institute of Education). She wants to meet me. She wants to talk to me about teaching and about going into full-time ministry. I am in shock but I am planning to meet her for dinner sometime this week. We'll see how things goes.

I have my reservations for entering NIE. If people think NUS is stressful, NIE is worse. I've heard enough terrible stories of NIE to stop me from getting myself into it. I don't enjoy stress. I don't enjoy working under tremendous amount of stress. Yes, I want to get a diploma in education but I rather get it from Malaysia than in Spore. I can only teach 2 subjects - English and Malay. And then, the next question would be: do I want to teach primary and secondary school kids? We're talking about a full-time vocation here - not a part-time, for fun kinda thing. Do I really want to do that? And having been a rascal in school before, I am afraid of getting the same treatment from students like myself, or even worse. So, yes, hesitant. I have not forgotten the reason I'm majoring in English. I have not forgotten my childhood dream of being a teacher. I still want to. But, is this the path Lord?

I need to work in Singapore for the next 3 years. During which I hope to be able to get a degree from Bible Seminary as well. After the 3 years is done, I want to pursue my masters in English. NOT in NUS though. If not, they will bond me an extra 3 years. By then, I would be stranded in Singapore with no hope of being received back in Malaysia anymore. While pursuing my masters in English, I hope to be doing something close to a full-time ministry or better still, be a missionary! So how? My plan sounds good eh? Don't worry. I am hoping to get married somewhere in that plan of mine. But, these are just my plans. I don't know where God will lead me to.

I'm still trying to figure it out - step by step. But yes, I'm thinking about what God would want me to do after I graduate. It's scary. Stepping into the not-so-safe world.

And haha. I sound so boring. How come I do not plan to travel around the world? See other beautiful places that God has created? Why is it that i'm such a lover of beauty but in my plans for my future only plan to go to poverty striken places?

Like most people, I think I've gotten my ideal life plan almost all figured out. Now, the same question I ask Josh, "Where is God in all this?"
Maybe it would be better if I didn't plan for anything. No dreams whatsoever. Just live my life on a day to day basis. But then again, what's the point of living then, if there're no dreams? Sigh.

God, You lead!

Summary of it all....

2006-10-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

Lately, I’ve been more and more encouraged about my desire to go into missions. And the desire has deepened. I’m just praying more and God is also doing more in my heart. It has been a very encouraging two weeks. I know I haven’t written much about what’s going on…But, it’s too difficult to express in written form. Talk to me and I’ll tell you the exciting stories of how God is working in me.

I cannot say this more, but fellow brothers and sisters, pray more. It may be the most boring thing to do but see it as being in the presence and communion with God. It’s tremendously fulfilling and good, even if you kena rebuke. Trust me. If there’s one thing I want to encourage you to do is this: Be diligent in being in His presence!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve tried writing about the fantastic weekend I had back home. But, I can’t seem to justify it all with pure words.

So, here’s my attempt at using pictures too.

I’ve had a very blessed week – just spending time with very precious people in my life.

Time with family was very precious – just being home, being in the presence of beloveds – Priceless!

My meal times with sisters – Adelene, Yin Ngai, and Aliza was very precious. Each of them took the initiative to make me feel very special. Our meal times assured me that our friendship were secure and that they love me and that I love them too. Because when I didn’t feel obliged to meet up with them. Instead, I was very happy!

My meal times with school friends – namely, Boon Khoon and Sin Chee was good. We chatted about a few things and gave me a small chance to make statements of my faith, which I was very thankful for.

My meal times with church friends – first group, Jon and Shelby was encouraging. (Jon is from SJGC but we’re all part of a big family!) One topic that encouraged me was when we were talking about full-time ministry. I was very encouraged to see a fellow brother on fire for God – to serve Him in full-time ministry. Of course, it was rather ironic that we then started talking about how to be a billionaire. Haha. But, spending time together was good – as always.
Second group, the Life Chapel people – too many to name them, but it was good to see them all in church. Some people look different. Keat Poh has a new hairdo. Timothy has tanned. Emily looking prettier each time I see her. Talking to uncle Jit Seng was precious. I don’t know how I will handle it if God takes him home while I’m in Singapore. Charise is ever so cute. She’s slim down quite a bit but still my favourite of all babies in church! Iain and Ivan still the playful but shy brothers. Then, there’s my breakfast buddies! Oh girls, you are so precious to me and I love each one of you so much. God has definitely blessed me with friends like yourselves!

My time spent with Joshua was very good as well. I think through the course of me studying abroad, Joshua has sometimes said things that make me feel rather insecure over our friendship but I’m beginning to see that when Joshua affirmed me once that I’m a friend he treasured, he still mean it even until now – that I am still a friend he treasures. The fact that he wanted to spend time with me was heart-warming. Of course, being driven around is always something to be happy about. Haha…

I didn’t get to spend much time with Weng Yan, I mean time alone. Nevertheless, I know she intends to but time didn’t permit. It’s okay girl, I know you love me. That’s all that matters! I love you too… because a friend like you is truly a blessing to me I do not deserve!

I thank God for each one of you… and I treasure each of you so much.

Here would be some pictures that would speak for itself:

A very happy blessed birthday celebration

Delicious Bak Kut Teh...the before and after. :)

Brickfield's very good and famous Pork Noodle!!! Yummy.....

Yummylicious steamboat...

Ah...home....

Fingerprints of God

2006-10-02T01:07:00.000+08:00

Listening to it in my room, quiet and alone. Trying my best to recall when I first heard that song. But, trying not to be too emotional.

I love it.

It speaks so much.

It's beyond me...truly

2006-09-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

It’s been a week and many things have happened in one week. So, I’m not going to tell you what happened throughout the week but if you should know, I celebrated my 22^nd birthday on Friday. And if you knew, birthdays are big days for me. It was celebrated very differently this time round.

This is the first time I’m celebrating my birthday away from home, which saddens me a big deal. Plus, I had a paper on that day, which totally made it sucked anyway. And the Nav planned for a retreat starting on Friday. So, I felt like okay. No need for a celebration this year. But God is good because He knew the things deep down in my heart.

Ade, Mich, Janice, Val and Mary got together to celebrate my birthday for me. So, it was pretty fun. But wat really touched me was how they all got together to plan for it and each was in-charge of something. So, Mich baked a tremendously delicious cake for me. Ade got me BK breakfast and got me the CD. Janice got me the other gifts. Val and Mary both made sandwiches and pasta respectively. Oh my goodness. I was so touched la. It’s exam period and these ppl took time and effort to go out of their way to get stuff for me. Oh, it was so delightful! I was so pleased. I was so happy!

Then, I managed to spend some very precious time with God. Was very happy.

Yao Yao and Jeremy and Edgar then had this super funny way of presenting to me my gift. Oh boy, but I was so touched la!!! You may find this hard to believe but I can fit into a boy size jersey! Haha. Quite funny I think.

The next thing that really really touched me was the cards that Danielle and Petra gave me. Well, firstly, the cards that I received this year, though not many, were very touching ones. So precious!! Danielle’s and Petra’s card were so lovely and so touching. Oh my! I’ve felt so much of God’s love through these two beautiful girls.

And then, exco also celebrated my birthday for me. So happy.

But throughout the weekend, God really showed me that He loved me beyond what I think or even expect. I felt so much joy and so much love. God has really been so gracious to me. The things that God has been doing in my life in the past 2 years, especially so, in the past few months have been extraordinary. I am not deserving of God’s way of pursuing me but God has been indeed the lover who never gives up. And I fall to my knees to see how much God loves me. I am amazed.

I’ve been rather encouraged lately as I see friends come so much closer to the Lord. Truly, it has brought so much joy to me. When I see how God is working in other people’s life, I automatically feel so happy. Yeah. I’m just so delighted. And I am brought to realise the work the Lord is doing in my life as well, and how God has never left us alone to wander around aimlessly without a guide. I cannot put all this down in words but God is extraordinarily wonderful!

Just the way God has been using me has been a tremendous encouragement to me!

Truly, I have been blessed beyond measure.

In Christ alone,
I place my trust.
And find my glory in the power of the Cross
In every victory,
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone.

Eventful weekend

2006-09-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

So much has happened over the weekend. Went to Johor with Radika and David and we did very Malaysian things - shop and eat! Well, it was good time spent with fellow Malaysians especially when at the back of our heads we have one very important agenda: Celebrate Radika's 21st birthday!

So, let me just bore you with a little reporting.

We left Kranji MRT at about 3:15pm on Saturday, 16th Sept 2006. And it started to pour! It rained so heavily that we started to wonder whether is this God's way of saying, "Go back to Singapore" I was tempted to go back to Singapore because right at that moment, I was just thinking of my test on Monday. Nevertheless, there are certain things about being in Johor that was just too attractive and I honestly don't think God was saying "go back to Singapore". So anyway, since it was pouring cats and dogs, we went to Larkin to get bus tickets to go back to KL a week from now. And the minute you get out of the 170 bus from Kranji to Larkin, people will crowd around you, trying to get you to go on their bus. Oh gosh! I hate that of Larkin. After we got our tickets, we didn't even want to linger for 1 minute, took the immediate 170 bus back to Johor City Square. And then, braved the rain and walked into City Square. First shop we see, FOS! I've been looking for an FOS in Singapore and I have no clue where it is but I was not going to shop at anywhere else if we do not go into FOS. So, we all got something from FOS and then I went to Vincci to get SHOES! If you've been hearing me complain about how I want so much to get new pairs of shoes, good news to you, you won't need to hear those whines anymore because I've gotten shoes already and I'm very happy with them! Yes, not one but TWO! After shopping, we went to get movie tickets to THE ONLY MOVIE I'VE WALKED OUT ON! I'll tell u more about that later. So, after movie was time for D I N N E R!! Yay!! So, we ate at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng. I don't know if you've heard of it before or not or whether there is even one in Singapore or not but I've had the BEST Toast Bread there! This is so serious. You MUST go and have the toast bread in Wong Kok Char Chan Teng! It's superb. And then, I had Cheese Baked rice with Siew yuk! Well, It's the closest I can get to satisfying my siew yuk crave rite? Not the best of course, when it's baked in cheese and donno-what sauce, it didn't taste as authentic. Anyhow, good time of just eating. But of course, when the bill came, we were rather shocked. Imagine, Rm66 for 3 fellas. The things that food-deprived Malaysians do to compensate the cry of their stomach for delicious food.

So, the movie! It's called Ghost Game. Go check it out on a web. It's tremendously terrible. I didn't want to watch it knowing how pictures stay in my mind. I get fear of closing my eyes when I bathe, I get scared when I'm alone and I suddenly feel there are "things" around me. Seish. U get it. I get frightened. But seeing that I was getting frightened, my lovely friends decided to force me into it. So, I had no choice. First thing into the movie and I see who I'm sitting next to: a mushy couple. Oh great! Next best thing, the seat stinks! Oh my, times like these, you appreciate TGV, GSC and Cineleisure. And so the movie starts. And oh, I can't understand what they are saying and I wonder is it because of the language?! Goodness, it was in THAI! NOT ENGLISH. My! Am I going to sit through a horror movie reading the subtitles??!!! This is terrible. So, I started complaining to my friends "We NEED to get out" They still wanted to stay for money's worth. Okay, fine. Being totally scared, I covered my eyes and ears! And silently wish I could fall asleep. Peeping once in a while, I saw some of those terrible images. But the best part was this: David was so interested in getting me horrified and it backfired on him. So, as I was keeping my eyes all shut, you can imagine what effect the movie will have on me - none. But, for David who wants to get back his money worth, he watched the whole thing and freaked out of course! So at one particular juncture, he jumped off his chair and screamed. Followed by a very loud "wahlau" and then laughed. (Yes, I have strange friends) So me and Radika laughed our heads off when we saw David reacting that way. And of course, since Malaysians don't say 'wah lau', it was pretty obvious this boy is from Singapore. Even after that, they refuse to get out of the movie. It was honestly very stupid to sit in a cinema where the seats stinks and it was a totally crap movie because it had no story line whatsoever and these were actors and actresses I don't know of and it was in a language I know nothing off. So, let's leave. They wouldn't budge. So, I sat there until the people in the movie had to recite a charm or some prayer thing. Having no peace at all after watching that, I immediately turn to Radika and say "I'm leaving!" Very sure! Radika would go if I go. So, we both left. As we were leaving, David says "I'm not gonna watch this alone." So, he left together with us. Oh good. So, we continue shopping. And then, left for Lee Girk's house.

So, mouth itching to eat something, all of us went to have supper - RAMLI Burger and satay! Hehe… Satisfied. We went to Lee Girk's house. Bathed. Slept. I was glad to be forced to bed at about 12midnight. I was so happy - thinking that I would be able to get a good night's rest. Sigh. I am finally admitting that yes, there is something very wrong with me. I cannot sleep although I know I really need it.

Sunday I was just doing my morning devotions before going to church and I was brought back to Psalm 62. The exact same given to me when I left for Singapore. And as I read it, suddenly I realised why this psalm was given to me. And it all makes sense. First, psalm 62 was given to me and then in my year 1, so much struggle with so many things. And then year 2, God said "I'm training you". Okay. But, all this while, I've forgotten that there is Psalm 62 to really hang on to. It's given to me. Psalm 62 has been personalised. I must remember that.

Worship at Daya Gospel Centre was nostalgic - almost like how it used to be in Life Chapel. But, the people there were awesome. Something that big churches like Life Chapel totally lack. The people there were so extremely warm. So many people came up to us and at almost every one time, all three of us will be talking to different people who came and approached us. So happy. Many things about DGC was good but one thing struck me. When Nicholas stood up to give thanks for the cup, I was amazed at how he prayed. He looked like this teenager, even dressed like one. I was already amazed that a teenager would pray before the passing around of the cup. But his prayer showed that this is a really mature teenager. Then David pointed out he prayed with a cap on. Then I went "Oh yah!" How dare he. And why didn't the church people say anything? Then, turns out that Nicholas just graduated and has already started working and he has his cap on because he had stitches on his head. Ohh…. Shouldn't have "judged" him even before I knew him.

Then it was Secret Recipe for lunch!!! That's where we celebrated Radika's 21st birthday!!! YAY!!!!

Then, let me tell you of our crossing road incident. We had to cross a not-very-busy-highway. So roughly about 3 lanes. The three of us got on our marks. When we judged it was safe to cross the road, we dashed across. Thinking all the time "I better not fall here or else I'd die!" It was so funny. Especially when you've been in Singapore where they have pedestrian crossings and where pedestrians cross slowly! Haha. AND then, we ran for the bus. Then, when we got onto the bus, everyone looked at us. Feeling rather strange that they looked at us like that, we concluded that it is because we ran for the bus. In Malaysia, no one runs for the bus because u can stop a bus even at a non-bus stop area (I think!). And people normally walk. Not run. Haha…so it was rather funny.

Got back and before I could hit the bed, my sister sent me a worrying msg. Finally a good reason to go and get calling card. So, walked out to 7-11 and got a card. Called her to be answered by a crying sister. I wished so terribly that I was there for her. And I missed her so much!!! I'll be back soon!!!

It's Thursday

2006-09-14T11:01:00.000+08:00

I really want to tell you what amazing day it was for me yesterday, when God met me where I was and revealed to me the deepest things in my heart and the deep thing in His heart. Oh my. It was extraordinarily exciting. Felicia said I cried like a child. I won’t deny it because I really did feel like a child – meeting my Father! But, I won’t do much justice by telling you what exactly took place, here. There’s just too much information needed and it’s too difficult to express with only words. If I could find time to put it in poetry and music, I would and it would be better. For now, ask me! Even MSN won’t do. But, yes, God is tremendously good!!!

But, as I speak to people, I am beginning to realise that there are many people I know who do not want to venture into a deeper relationship with God because they fear disappointment, they fear being hurt… And honestly, try as I may, I do not know how to encourage them. Because, through God's grace and His awesome way of teaching and leading me, I no longer struggle as much to love God and I can’t exactly point out why (but God is tremendousely good!). And so, in my humanness, I do not know how to help people who find it a struggle to place their everything in HIS hands for the above mentioned fear. If you ask me what really helped me, it was really through experience. But then again, if they will not let go of their SELF, then how are they going to experience something that will compel them to live not for themselves? I don’t know. Maybe someone needs to teach me on this.

And there’s another pressing thing. I really want to find time to read and study the Bible more. And honestly, the internet is a major distraction. To top it up, I’m thinking of computer games! What is wrong with me?! Argh. It’s so irritating.

At the end of it, I guess what I really want to say is that: when I look at my life and what God is doing, truly everything is worth the fight and there are tremendous reasons to hope. People can preach to us about it but the only way it will be deeply rooted is when we experienced it in the deepest depth of our self.

Ah. I need to tell you guys what happened man. I cannot sit still and let it consume and eat up everything that is alive in me.

Get me for a cup of drink. I’ll tell u all that I can!!! And we rejoice together! Oh man.

A peek into the personal self

2006-09-12T23:55:00.000+08:00

I went for last night’s GC meeting though I was reluctant. And Bernard was in his very Chinese mood. So, he wanted us to sing a Chinese worship song. So I thought, ok fine. I’ll just sit and be drowned by the singing of my brothers and sisters. Little did I realise that the song that Bernard chose was a song that Jia Ying taught me a few nights ago. How funny! So, when I realised we were singing that song, I quickly sms-ed Jia Ying to tell her about it and we laughed. But, Jia Ying is probably the only person who knows what that song means to me.

And then came a time where we gathered to pray for one another. And finally all the girls get to hear the condition I am in. I tried to put it in a less worrisome manner. I really don’t want anyone to be worried although honestly, I sometimes am worried for myself too. You’ve got to hear it for yourself. You would most probably be very worried too. If not because we were asked to pray for one another, I wouldn’t even have shared. It’s something that I would really rather just keep to myself. And I’m coping alright. I won’t say I’m doing terrifically well because there are days where I hit the ultimate low point of everything. But, again, there’s 1 Cor 10:13. So, I’m not doing too bad. Everyday, I wake up to make a choice to have my eyes fix on God and not on anything else. To make that choice has been excruciatingly difficult these days but I must persevere nonetheless.

I’m sometimes such in a low position that I don’t feel like doing anything in terms of ministry. Every Tuesday I arrange for tonnes of meetings on Wednesday purely because it’s my free day. But today, it’s extra difficult to not be sad. I woke up feeling like I’ve got the world’s back turned against me. Thinking that things might actually be better soon, boy, I was proved wrong. About an hour or so, I find myself crying in my room. And so today, I intentionally told myself “No more! I’m not going to contact anyone to meet tmr!” And then, half way in the day, I made my first plan – to meet and pray with Ade. And now, I’m sitting here in my room trying to arrange for other meetings too. Boy! I cannot really run away right? Not that I am a workaholic and I need to meet people in order to feel good about myself. But, there’s just a naggy feeling deep down knowing that I cannot run away from meeting people. God just won’t let me go. God just won’t let me wallow in sadness. God is higher above me and HE’s on a whole total different world.

Hence I always say there’s nothing to worry about me. Ask the people I’ve been talking to about this. And they will testify that inasmuch as I go to them totally bruised, they know full well that God is with me and that I’m not letting go this struggle without a fight. I will learn whatever God wants to teach me. I want to be part of HIS perfect plan. And this struggle is definitely not going to hinder me! Therefore, ask these ladies and even they are not worried for me (at least I think so). I know they feel for me. I know they know how much of struggle I am in. I know they know how much of pain I am in. But, I hope they are not worried.

And now, chin up! And look to up to the sky! And smile – for there is a greater purpose and plan ahead. There are great and wonderful things to look forward to. Trust me! Let’s be hopeful together.

Pure ramblings

2006-09-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

I know I should be studying more but I'm just plain lazy. I'd rather log onto youtube.com and search for video. I've 2 projects to start looking into and 1 assignment that is due during the term break. (Yes, due during the term break! And I wonder what is the term break for?!) Dr. Ho is the best lecturer on the face of the earth. He gives very vague description of what we should do for the term paper and he says we can pass it up anytime before the term ends. HUH?! But a responsible student should start looking into it by now, unlike me.

And, I've been procrastinating doing all my secretarial work. After the realisation (that I don't have very much time left to do it) hit me, I looked into all the forms that need to be completed. The thing is that I cannot do all this by myself. I need the AGM minutes from previous secretary. I also need the finalised accounts from the previous treasurer. I also need particulars of each Nav member as I need to submit it to different organisations. So, I need respective people to help me out in giving me information I need so as to submit these forms before the deadline. I need to start emailing these people I guess. And I must remember that I need to collect money from people who attended a Navigators conference a few weeks back. All these admin work sometimes drives me crazy.

And to top it up, I have things that I want to do but haven't had the time to do. My reasoning is that, if I've not done what I'm supposed to do, I better not look into the things that I want to do. Haha…Like, satisfying my food cravings.

But oh well, some things are less important than others. And there are just too many things that I want to do and too many things that I want.

Today as David, Radika and I sat at Swensen's having our oh-so-delicious- Giant Earthquake, I felt a little nostalgic. Remembering the times when my friends and I would just drop by Swensen's to pamper ourselves and have a great time of fellowship. And so today, at the table, sat 3 Malaysians who just wanted to pamper themselves with ice-creams they have so long craved for. Too bad Swensen's in Singapore do not have promotions like the ones in Malaysia do. Then again, maybe it's good also. 2 years in Singapore and I've barely found friends who are willing to do crazy food hunting with me. That's one of the reasons why I thank God for David. Too bad Bernard is too old to go with me and do my crazy stuffs but he's the nearest I can find. And suddenly I ask, am I the only girl with these interests? Either that or other navigator girls are just more reserved than me. That's why Jie Yao calls me the Campus Crusade kind of girl. Boo-hoo. I've no friends. Ha ha…this all sounds so weird.

Okay! Must stop thinking about food edi. I have super lots of cravings, the consequences of suppressing my food cravings! Sigh. Time to sleep!

Live...

2006-09-09T23:11:00.000+08:00

I want to send Caleb off because I know I will miss him for the next few months of not seeing him. He's been such an encouraging guy!! Reaaaally!!! And when I sent him off yesterday, and when it was my turn to shake hands with him, he said this "Continue to bring joy!" I was so stunned. Mainly because during the past week, smiling has been the most difficult thing to do! Wow. And to a certain extent, it was a reminder to praise God for the gift He has given me and to not neglect it.

Anyhow, here's a verse that spoke to me just now: Gal 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Ouch.

2006-09-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

Sejuta bintang di angkasa
Sinarnya mempesona
Sebutir bintang di taman seni
Cahayanya berseri
Biar bertahun masa beredar
Satu wajah satu nama takkan pudar
Tetap jelas di ruang mata
Setiap gerak gaya
Bergetaran merdu sinar
Di persada budaya
Hingga kini menjadi sebutan
Tetap terpahat namamu di ingatan

So beautiful ain't it? But sometimes, the very thing that is beautiful is the thing that pierce through the heart so painfully!

2006-09-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

God's grace and strength is with you because I can see on your face joy and hope though there is suffering.

Those must be the most encouraging words I've heard in the past few weeks!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

2006-09-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

Many times I feel like rebelling and I just want to do things my way, live my own life the way I want to and make everything revolve around me! The past few days, I find it difficult to say “Okay God, have your way in me” with all my heart. Most of the time, it’s more like “God, Can I have my way please?” But isn’t it amazing that God never lets me go?!

Probably no one noticed this. But, yesterday, for very selfish reasons, I relocated my blog telling myself to be a tortoise and hide! Then, today as I left the house, I felt an inclination to put a book into my bag. I did. I didn’t have much time in school to read it. I only manage to read ONE page. But from the page I read, God was so clear in telling me, go and relocate your blog back again to where it originally was! God showed me that I reacted negatively to the things He allowed to happen. So, the first thing I did when I came home was to relocate it back to where it was originally! And how do I not wonder in awe at how gracious God is?!

And yes, in my rebellion, I want to say NO to many things that God wants me to say YES to. But, God never lets me go. Well, technically, I can still say NO. But, God prompts so hard that I somehow cannot find the guts nor the heart to say NO to God. There are things that I want so much that it’s so extraordinarily easy to say NO to God. But, I can’t! I can’t! I’m compelled to obey.

And it’s not about me. It’s about God. It’s about HIS love. It’s about HIS grace. It’s about HIS faithfulness. It’s all about HIM. Because I know me and I know I cannot do all this without a supernatural power – without an extraordinary God.

My Lord and God, will you forgive me please? And please, do not ever ever leave me to struggle alone.

Ah.....precious

2006-09-04T02:55:00.000+08:00

I was back in KL for less than 24 hours but every minute spent was definitely precious! I know it sounds completely silly to travel so many hours just to be back home for less than 24 hours. But, you’ve got to know why I went home. They are simple reasons – One, I miss home terribly. Two, Uncle Jit Seng is sick and I want to see him (and his family!).

I was procrastinating of going home because travelling is very tiring. Yes, I know it’s just a matter of sitting in the car/bus/train for a few hours, doing mainly nothing but sleeping. But, yes, travelling is still very tiring! But, praise be to God because He knows what is deep in my heart. It’s going to be pretty embarrassing to talk about it here but for the glory of God, I will.

I think it started about March/April this year. I began to hear God saying to me how much He loves other people. For example, God put in my heart, one day, to buy a gift for Danielle. When I obeyed that prompting, I realised that Danielle’s birthday was the exact next day! I went to God and ask WHY such a prompting. Of course there were a few reasons but one of them was this: He wants me to tell Danielle how much she is loved by God. Ever since that incident, I’ve been getting that quite a bit. Do this for this person because I want that person to know he/she is loved. Hmm…it got pretty exciting because it shows me that God is not only using me but I am beginning to be so much more sensitive to His prompting and a little quicker and more willing to obey. Then, about a week or so ago, I started complaining : “God, why haven’t You loved me deep enough to have other people tell me that YOU love me?!!!” Okay, maybe not complain but a silent wish – wishing for people to tell me that God wants me to know HE loves me. Petty I know. But yes, that was the way I was feeling.

Then, this whole desire of going back home to KL came but I was lazy. But, God knows me so much better than I know myself. I told myself, I can last here for another 3 more weeks before I go back during the holidays but God knows I need that refreshing time back home with family and friends! So, He sent Jie Yao to KL and HE prompts Jie Yao to ask me whether I want to go to KL with him and his family. And honestly la, I felt so silly and terrible for feeling that God didn’t love me as much as HE loved my other friends. God is so gracious!!

So, what happened at home? I surprised my whole family by going back because they definitely didn’t expect me to be home. It’s fun surprising people you love!!! Had dinner with my family and then we went over to my uncle’s place and oh my goodness, my cousin is so adorable! 7 months old now and gosh, super cute! Had durian feast with my aunt! It’s like a ritual. Hah! Got home and spend a few precious hours just having heart-to-heart talks with my parents. Gosh, I love them so much! And I thank God everyday for the parents I have. And through our talk, I am reminded again, why God sent me to Singapore – not that I have forgotten but I guess, my parents reminded of information that I have known but dismissed.

Sunday I surprised everyone in church by being present. The best was Joshua’s reaction. He stood at the steps, looking totally shocked when he saw me. And it was pleasant! I KNEW he’d be pleasantly surprised! Then, the reunion of everyone! Shelby and Li Yee was around. Grace is back from India for good. It would have been perfect reunion had Sam and Chris been there. Ah! Nonetheless, it was good, though short. Oh how much I missed you guys so much. I hope you all felt it when I hugged you so hard! Haha. Dearly dearly missed!!!

I am so superbly thankful to Jie Yao and his family for giving me a ride. Ya.

And I’m so pleasantly surprised to see a gift and note on my table when I arrived in Singapore. Thanks dear! I’ve never stopped thanking God for you! You are so precious.

I should sleep early. Yes. I’d try to pen all this down. I need a longer, more coherent, nothing-hidden entry!! But, thank you God for being so good…..

Still sick. Nevertheless, Happy MERDEKA!!

2006-08-31T23:41:00.000+08:00

I am not only sick, I have conjunctivitis! (okay, I have not seen the doctor but from my consultation of SN David Khoo and reading up on it, I am quite certain) So, don’t shake my hand!! But more than that, pray for me. Coz it’s painful! And my eye is swollen. So, I look worse than a panda. Sigh. *cry cry*

And I’ve been spending many late nights trying to catch up on school work.

Have I mentioned anything about my roommate? She’s awesome! Jie Yao says I better not bully her. But, I’m so nice too wat! Her name is Jia Ying. She’s doing her masters now in NUS. I remember one day a few months ago when Lilian asked me about a possible roommate, and feeling it should be Jia Ying, I suggested her. True enough, she’s here! At first I was worried that language could be a barrier but it’s not. In fact, language is not a barrier at all. We care for one another. We encourage one another. We accommodate one another. We’re doing great!! I’m so happy to have her as my roomie!! She’s awesome! We spend every night talking about our day and just sharing….great times! Thank You God!!!

Okay. And I’m so happy because I bought myself a pair of earrings. I haven’t bought any earrings for myself since the month of May okay! And it’s so nice la. At least I think it is. And then, I bought one for Ade too! And I passed it to her today and she put it on. Oh goodness, it looked so good on her!!! So happy!!!!

Okay people, Selamat Hari Merdeka!!! Our beloved country is 49 years old!

I wanted to dress up today – ok, more like colour coordinate. I wanted to wear a yellow shirt, a blue berms, a red and white sock OR a red shirt (with white wordings) and a blue pants with red socks OR a red shirt, a white 3-quarts, and a yellow and blue socks.

But, I woke up late this morning and I had to rush to the library to return the RBR book. So, I didn’t had time to colour coordinate, which was quite sad but it’s okay!

Happy 49 years old, Malaysia!!!

Sick!

2006-08-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today as I was borrowing a book, guess who I saw? I saw Dr. Lazar. She remembers me!! (Ade says I’m easy to remember. What does that mean?) So, we talked as if we were friends instead of lecturer-student. She asked me how am I and what modules I am taking and she also asked for feedback for the media module. Haha…. And Ade, Mich and Adrian, you’d be happy to know that I explained to her why we handed our project the way it was. Since she didn’t give us a chance to explain ourselves last sem rite?! Argh. Too bad nothing can be done about it but it’s okay. It’s good to have nice chats with lecturers. I seldom get that. But, it’s fun! Except that most Singaporean EL lecturers are pretty short. I am taller than Dr.Lazar la! It was so funny talking to her like that. I had to hunch a bit more so that I don’t feel like I’m talking down to her. Oh my! unbelievable that Jee Lee can be taller than some people rite?
Oh, I miss Dr. Peter Tan!!! He’s so extraordinarily fun!!!

Thanks to edgar, I am now starting to crave for food. Oh my. Let’s see….I want the best porridge!! Porridge is the last thing I would crave when I’m sick,but this time, strangely enough, I do. And I think it goes to show that I am really sick! My! Mother, I’m sick!! Come and cook for me la… I need good home cook food. And I like to be kicked out of bed to eat. (except medicine!!) I like it when the whole family have to eat what a sick person eats. Haha… I like the special attention I get from my family when I’m sick. Family, where are you???!!!!!

Okay. I should sleep early.

Goodnight friends….

I struggle, but God is waaay too good!!

2006-08-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

Today, I received an sms that goes like this :

Received: Hey girl, I didn’t see you today in class. Are you okay? God loves you.
Sent: Hey! I was in class. I sat a few rows behind you. *smile* Thanks for caring. I’m fine. *smile*
Received: Oh, I must have overlooked. Have a pleasant day and may God watch over you.
Sent: Yeah. You rest well too. *smile* God bless you and keep you. *smile* Have a good night rest. *smile* (at this juncture, I admit, I put on too much smiley faces in sms-es)
Received: Hmm…you are always so jovial…How is that? I wish I could be as happy as you…

WOAh!!! I didn’t expect that last received sms at all. I mean, where did that come from?

And this is definitely not the first time I’m receiving something like this. How my jovialness makes it easy for people to approach me. God, thank you! I believe that I have actually been more sober and less jovial in the past 5 years (ever since the break-up). I learnt to be more serious and less crazy. And somehow, that made me less jovial. I used to be so extra jovial that one look or interaction with me, people will make comments like : You a very jolly person! And I have believed that that is gone. Although I know that I do not laugh or smile as much as I used to, God is still using that smile and laughter that He has given me. And I thank God because a few months ago, I specifically prayed that God do not take away a very treasured gift He gave me – the gift of making people feeling comfortable with me. And today, He has proven again! that He has not taken the gift away! Thank YOU LORD!!!!

Today Jeremy shared his struggle. And I identified so much with him! This time around, yes, I struggle like a mad woman. My feelings go around like a roller-coaster. I have headaches. I have sleepless nights. I want to sulk. I want to cry. But you know, God still pursues me, and more than ever, I feel God’s love, and grace and faithfulness. I feel so much joy! Yes, joy in suffering!!!! I find it strange but it is such a refreshing experience!!!!

Even when Jeremy shared, I felt like going up to him and give him a hug and say “I know what it’s like…” but refrained myself of course. But right at that time, I wished to hug someone and cry my heart out. God, send me someone whom I will be comfortable enough with to cry my heart out!

I do not want to make it sound like I’m doing all great. I am struggling. But, in the midst of my struggle, God is so good!!! SOOO good! I’ve never struggled with sooooo much joy and love before! Keep me in prayers but thank God together with me okay! He has been so gracious and faithful.

ps: As I look at my previous post, i realised how sad it is. It is not. I was sad but more than that, God was encouraging me. so, i was not really sad. Just struggling. I am okaay.

Forgive me....

2006-08-27T23:09:00.000+08:00

I have 20 pages of a reading to finish by tonight. But I have too many thoughts flooding in my mind and heart that I need to write.

Feeling totally strangled with the things of the heart. I do not know what to do. I do not know how to think or how to feel. Why is it that I cannot tell my heart what to feel? Why is it that emotions are not rational? Why is it that it can't act logically? Why? Why is it that my actions betray my heart? Why is it that my emotions betray my mind? Why? Oh God, there are just so many things that I do not understand.

My heart wants to react in a certain way but my mind tells me NO. Argh.

Ade's entry on UDS really struck a chord in me mainly because it was the same song. It was the same thoughts. Same.

Again and again, God is trying so hard to encourage me. I get encouraged - and it lasts for a few good hours. And then, I'm down again. God must be thinking 'Why is this Jee Lee taking such a long time to learn?! Why?!' I must be making Him so frustrated. I must be. Oh no!!! I'm so sorry Lord. Sooooooooo sorry!!!

Jing's entry struck me. She quoted Hebrews 12:1-3.

God, forgive me. I am sinful. I am weak. I do not see how whatever I do can be glorifying to You. Sorry. But God, change me! Use me! Fill me! Mould me! I want to glorify YOU above everything! Above everything!! I cry my heart out in wanting to see YOU.

Thank You, Lord!!!!

2006-08-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

God, you are ever so great! So awesome!!!

You know how tired I am yet you gave me strength to do what was needed to do.
You know how desperately I've been wanting to hear from Weng Yan and she emailed.
You know how even more desperately I've been wanting to hear from family and today mommy called!
You know how much I needed encouragement and you sent Stephanie!!

Thank YOU Lord!!! Thank YOU!!!!

Even at the down-est point of life, I see how much you care, how much you love, how much you pursue me, oh God, I can never thank You enough. Thank you God. Thank you!!! I thank you for giving me extra portion of grace so that I can show grace to others. I thank You that even when I'm down and I feel I can't walk anymore, You still use me. I can't believe it Lord. I can't believe it Lord!!! Thank You!!! And not just using me but a step further, you encouraged me. Oh God, You are sooooo good!

Truth....

2006-08-20T14:00:00.000+08:00

Let me come out with the truth right now. The reason behind my periodic and random blog post is that I am now going through some issues that I would not like to publicly mention but it burns within me. Be rest assured, I am not running away from the matter – I’m courageously facing it. I just feel that it’ll be wise to not tell the whole wide world. So, I’m keeping it to very very very special people. Just because I don’t tell you doesn’t mean I don’t trust you, just try to understand that even for me to not run away from this issue is already a huge thing, what more talking to people about it. Many of you are very important to me and are even the people whom i'd confide in. But this is something I can't bring myself to talk about. I've approached one friend to talk about it. Another friend approached me to talk about it. So, that's 2 for now. When things are a little bit clearer, I might inform others as well - because I love you and I want you to know.

Now, that explains why I blog about food and what not right? Things that you know don’t matter that much to me. I mean, there are things that are fun and nice to remember but each time when I blog, there is an issue that is burning within me that I so want to blurt out but I have to practice a lot of self-control to keep it within. Hence I try not to blog as frequent.

This is just to update you guys back home. I’ve not grown to be erm, in the words of Josh, “simple”….some of you’d know what I’m talking about la.

A cry to write...

2006-08-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

Time for an update again.

There are tonnes and tonnes of school work to do – to the extent that I am a little afraid – although I must say that my modules have been extremely interesting. Right now, I am so tired that I can’t think straight. So I don’t know if I’ll write coherently. Hah!

Today…Discipling the nations conference. Inspiring speakers and message I must say! And depend on Roy Tan to teach about discipleship! There’s just something about that man that attracts me and gains my respect! A very humble, gentle and godly man is he. And the funny thing was that the SENDers were suppose to help Roy Tan out. So, we were divided into small little groups to go under the SENDers. Guess who I was sent to? HUI YUE!!! The best part is this: yesterday, when I came home, Hui Yue told me to look at her preparation for the workshop and asked me to help correct her grammar and make things a little clearer. So, she explained a bit to me, and I read through the thing already. And we were just saying yesterday, “it’ll be funny if I get to her workshop” and I did! Joker la!! I learnt a lot from the workshop!!!

Well, in short, I was challenged, very challenged!! So, good conference!!

Mother, why aren’t you replying my mails? Must be busy with OA camp rite? After the camp, must write to me okay! I miss you all sooo much. While having dinner today, I got emotional and almost cried but hold back la! I miss home!

I’ve been thinking about Teenstreet Malaysia 2006 and I think I’m deciding not to go. I can pray harder but I am more a less decided on it already. I have been praying la. I really want to go back to Teenstreet Malaysia 2006 – be it as Coach or as Service Team Member. I hesitate to be Coach because I know I cannot afford the post-Teenstreet commitment to follow-up these kids. So, naturally, Service Team would be the best. To those going as Coaches, Teenstreet don’t expect any post-teenstreet commitments but I pray that your love for these kids and your desire to see them grow would make obliged to be creative and diligent in following-up with them. May God bless Teenstreet and it’s work.

I really want to just cry and let it all out but I can’t. Man, the feeling of tears stuck in your throat, chocking you is probably the worst of all feeling…….

Life's simple cravings...

2006-08-15T23:51:00.000+08:00

Food.....

On Saturday, I realised that I haven't had fishballs for a very long time and I miss eating them. So, I had a bowl of fishball noodles on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and today I had laksa in with fishballs in them! But the thing about fishballs is that they must be fresh! Today's fishballs weren't very fresh - so, it was yucky! Urgh!!!

Other than fishballs, I have been craving for (in order of importance): Siew Yuk, chicken rice, and chocolates.

Ahh....food cravings!!!! aaahhhh......Now, i'm dreaming of siew yuk and char siew with yau fan. And a whole packet of 50 small and fresh fishballs so that I can steam them and slowly eat them. Oh my!

This is all thanks to dear Yee Weng Soon for showing this to me:

Arrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my major! I love English Language!!!

Stories...

2006-08-13T23:14:00.000+08:00

I just put shampoo onto my body!!! I am extremely amazed at how blur I can be at times. I nicely “soaped” myself with shampoo la! I didn’t realise it until, routinely, I had to soap myself with shower gel. OH gosh! What was I doing? Does anyone make that same mistake in the showers? And then, I had to take a look at how I look today and guess what? Totally ghotic! My dark eye rings are as big as a twenty or fifty cent coin! Die la like that!

Should I attempt at a more serious post? Ahh, seriousness takes too much effort.

A few weeks ago when I learned that Sheila Majid was going to be performing her “Lagenda” concert in Singapore, I was extremely delighted. No funny kind of image. Got married and build family. Though popular and successful, she portrayed to me a woman who knows what she wants and never loses sight of it. I mean, how many musicians/artists you know these days give up building family for the sake of career? But, she knows family is important, she builds that. Come on la, she features her kids in her mtv, advertisement. Her apprentice, Amy Mastura, is like that too. I love these women! How apt it is that I read this today:

"Many leaders in our homes, corporations, and churches are more concerned with their goals than with their offspring."

It's always good to see there are people who do not fall into this sad category. Now that I’ve justified why I was so delighted to know that Sheila Majid is coming to Singapore, I can go ahead to now tell you that I was super disappointed that I missed the concert. No, I didn’t even get the tickets. I had in mind to ask David to go along. How else to enjoy a concert if not to bring a fellow friend who enjoys and appreciate music as much rite? Aih. I forgot to ask him and he’s now back in KL. Aih. Nvm la. I hope to one day catch Sheila Majid in concert.

Oh….let me tell you how excited I am that this new semester is starting.

My core modules are: Phonetics & Phonology ; Literary Stylistics ; Critical Discourse Analysis ; Semantics & Pragmatics. How does it sound to you? Phonetics & Phonology sounds totally boring rite? Yeah. Adrian says that Literary Stylistics and CDA is interesting. It sounds interesting too. I look forward to it. I don’t think Semantics & Pragmatics would be as boring as Phonetics & Phonology but also not as interesting as Literary Stylistics and CDA. But you know, I’ve never been more excited about my English modules than this semester la.

Then, there’s that one more module that I need to take. You’ve read about my very exciting experience about choosing that module here. Let me put that whole experience in more coherent way. So, on Tuesday, I got very panicky over module bidding mainly because there was no interesting module to take and I had no company to take interesting modules with. God then calmed me down and promised He will provide. So I had nothing to worry about. Within the next 30 minutes, Ade came online and after talking to her a little, she and I agreed to take a module together. And it’s super duper interesting la. It’s called introduction to media writing and it teaches us how to write when in different media setting. It’s so cool la. It’s been something that I’ve been interested in such a looooong time. The best part is this, I didn’t even knew this module existed. And this whole idea of writing came became a passion a long time ago but during the holidays, God showed me how I can improve my writing skills. So, it’s amazing! At that time, I really believed that God was the one who planted this desire, then the desire to improve my writing, then sending Ade to introduce this module to me. And I was so happy that neither the exams nor timetable clashed with any of my core modules! So, round 1C came and I was so elated when I typed my matric number and password, thinking “Sure can get the module la. God given what” But, when I wanted to bid, to my greatest disappointment, there were only TWO vacancies! Why would anyone be so dumb to give out only 2 vacancies? Oh my gosh. And the next min bid was waaay above all that I can offer. So, I knew for sure that I definitely cannot bid for that module. Devastated and panicky, I didn’t sit still and ask God but instead went ahead inquiring of more modules and even contemplating modules that I weren’t interested in. I can manage, it was a little interesting but I knew that Introduction to media writing was just perfect for me! Got my contingency plan out and prayed even harder! “Lord, I believed that you were behind my finding out of that media module. Why is this now happening? Lord, what shall I do now? Drop that module and bid for others that I’m not sooo interested in? Or what? How Lord?” Then God impressed upon my heart to wait for the next round. I shouldn’t do anything this round. Don’t give up yet. So, although I had my contingency plan, I didn’t execute it. I thought, okay, God said wait. So, wait I shall! A few days later, round 2A started and when I logged in, I was so happy to see that there were 6 vacancies opened and 11 bidders….hmmm, I felt I shouldn’t bid first, since close bidding only starts 3 days later. So, I waited till the last day and prayed even harder that I will be able to get that module, if God’s will is for that! 10^th August 2006 came and I almost forgot to log in to CORS to bid. 10 minutes before close bidding started, I manage to log in and saw that the number of bidders have dropped to 9. okay cool! And the next min bid was 1660. I have 2403 in my programme account. Means I have a high chance of getting the module! At the end of it, not only I got it, Ade got it too!!!!! Wah, so happy la!!!

Thank You Lord!! thank You Lord!!!

I had a good time just catching up with Jeremy today. It’s been a while since we’ve sat down and have a good chat! Maybe the last time we sat down and talked about ourselves was about one year ago. Many times when we sit down, we’d talk about others more than we’d talk about ourselves. So, sitting down today and just talking was a very very good thing! We both then headed down to Suntec to meet ronglong and again, I offered fashion advice to Jeremy when he was buying shoes. Ronglong and I then headed to McD for ice-cream. But, alas, no ice-cream!! Then, it was time to meet my aunt and he had to go home. So, we sort of parted. I was a little afraid that after all the things that were said on Thursday, that somehow, it will all backfire on us and the relationship turns even more sour. But, I was glad that today, as we met up, talked rubbish, shared, laughed, and all that, it was back to where it was before any conflicts started, when it was all goody! Hopefully, slowly it will turn better than it was before even!! Yeah!! I’ve been thru reconciliations before to know that relationships can turn very much better than it was before. I’m just hoping for the best this time round! Yeap! God, be in this friendship!!

Okay. Long post. How was my attempt at a serious post? Hehe….

KAU-lah segalanya untukku!

2006-08-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

Okay…updates!

Singapore celebrated her 41^st National Day on Tuesday. The NUS Navigators held a picnic at Marina South. Each GC (like a cell group) had to prepare food for the event. I called my mother a few days ago to get some idea of what might be easy, not too time consuming to prepare for, malay dish. I thought of making rendang, either beef or chicken, but I knew that cooking time for that dish is quite long. So, mother suggested I make Ayam Masak Merah. She passed me the recipe, and gave me the instructions. And oh well, I’m like my mother, I make people guinea pigs who gets to try my first hand on a particular dish. And in anycase, it always turns out good. I’ve got my mother’s gift of cooking! Haha….So, Ayam Masak Merah looked extra red but not spicy at all. One of the problems my mother and I have when cooking a spicy dish is that we must always bear in mind not to cook something too spicy because if we go according to our taste buds, a spicy dish (for us) might turn out to be too spicy for some others. So, bearing in mind that, I made it not spicy at all – all that was there, was the redness. I mean, it’s not called Ayam masak merah for nothing right? Haha..

Ahhh….cooking brings me joy! Especially when you know people enjoyed it. Yeap.

And oh, I so need a novel or something. I wished I brought back my novels. But oh well, I’ll make do with what I have now. Superman prequels comic books (which I’ve already finished) and a book by John Bevere entitled Bait of Satan. Hmm…I need a John Grisham or an Anne Tyler with me. ahh…..oh well.

Maybe I should start hunting for Ruth Sahanaya’s albums. She rocks la! Times like this call for a boyfriend!!! Hahaha…kidding!!!!

Lectures will start in the coming week. On one hand, I can’t wait to go for classes and meet people and see what interesting things come out of a semester. On the other hand, I hate routines! And I’m taking 2 ELang modules which are erm, a little dry and boring. It’s something that I want to get out of a university education. If not, why major in English?! But, it’s so boring, I can fall asleep. Well, lets hope that somehow, lecturers will turn these boring subjects to something super interesting! Yay!

Lord, there’s just so much sin in me, and I’m so weak. I need You so much!!

Lists...

2006-08-08T14:20:00.000+08:00

I proudly announce that I can cook Chilli Crab!!! Erm, but still don’t know how to clean crabs. Haha… Miss out on that part. Well, still, I can cook it now! Bleah. Cooking another dish tomorrow as the Nus Nav will be holding an event to celebrate Singapore’s National Day. So, I’m cooking! Woke up late today and was so scared that the morning market would be close. Well, it’s strange that markets in Singapore closes pretty late. I remember whenever I need to go to the market, I’ve gotta get up bout 7-ish if not, don’t need to think about getting anything from the market. But in Singapore, even at 10-ish, there are still lotsa things in the market. And it’s so funny going to a market with no live animals. Of course, because of this, their markets are sooo much cleaner la. Good! Oh, and Hui Yue just expressed her desire to learn how to cook Ayam masak merah! That’s good. Haha….I’m sure she was very happy to learn that the dish is fairly easy to make. hehe

Must remember to call up my Street-e and Matric contacts to ask them whether they coming for tomorrow’s event.

Ok…now, I need your help dear friends!!!

You see, my friend suggested that I should come up with a birthday wish-list. Okay, I know my birthday is more than a month away. Hah. That’s besides the point. The point is: Should I or should I not come up with a birthday wish-list?

Pro: Avoid getting birthday presents that I already have or am not interested in or worse, something that I don’t like!

Con: Your friends get it easy by not thinking of what to get you. There is no need to put in effort to think about it. Getting a birthday gifts then becomes so meaningless. It’s just getting a present for the sake of a birthday. I would much appreciate it when people think about it and not give a no-brainer-kinda-gift.

In fact, I don’t mind not receiving any gifts – just give me your time and your sincere birthday wishes (even if it is late. But of course, you have to sound like you’re really VERY sorry that you forgot my birthday!). So, birthday gifts are secondary. Receiving something is a plus point but that’s just an additional to the time you give me and your sincere birthday wishes!

And you know, getting birthday gifts are so special. It’s about showing that person you treasure the friendship and that you care, care enough to remember that person’s birthday and wish them and get a birthday pressie. That’s why giving my friends the easy way out by having a birthday wish-list is so difficult for me. So, dilemma!

Friends, what do you have to say???

I kept my word...

2006-08-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

I’ve watched Lake House starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock! So jiwang (emo) man!!! I liked it!! I was well prepared to not let it affect me too much. Before I went in for the movie, I prayed “I know I can be very emotional watching the show. So, Lord, protect my heart.” I know God says to “flee all temptations” but at the point of watching the show, I didn’t think it was a temptation so I didn’t flee so all I did was prepare myself even before I went for the show and prayed real hard when I confirmed with Fun that I’ll watch it with her. It doesn’t make sense to watch it with a guy since I’ve no boyfriend. And no one is free to watch movies now. So, me and Fun watched it together! Haha…

Two lines:

Life would be senseless without music. (haha....how true. God created music mar!)
Let me let you go... (oh true true...)

After movie, we went shopping!! Haha….A bit worry and stressed over some things, so shopping was definitely a way of releasing stress! And I met Wern Hui and her bf. It’s so nice to see her again. Haha….

Oh, Shel, can you recall the price of Converse shoes in the Uptown shop??? I saw a similar shop today. And the purple shoe we all went crazy over was selling at SGD19. I was wondering if that was cheap. And of course I saw a pair that I really liked for SGD29. So, I was wondering if it’s cheaper here or in Uptown. Let me know??

Sometimes, it’s good that I am not rich. Coz I think then, I’d buy expensive gifts for people…ALL THE TIME! I saw so many things that I know my friends would like but of course it ain’t cheap. So friends, if you want gifts that you’d really like (for Christmas), pray for cheaper ways of getting them and pray that I’d have enough savings…haha…

Oh….I’ve gotten the Don Moen’s CD entitled “Hiding Place”….Nice!! haha…

Ok la…I think I should go and sleep now le. Tired.

Festival of Praise 2006

2006-08-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

I came back about 50 minutes ago from Festival of Praise 2006, this time featuring Don Moen and CCC. Those who were at my grandma’s wake would know how much I love Don Moen and how much his songs really played a part in my life. But, if you weren’t there, now you know.

Maybe about 2 years ago, me and David were at a shop and we saw Don Moen’s CD and he was planning to have a concert. I’m not a big fan of concerts (esp those standing ones) and also no money to pay for the concert, I didn’t go for the concert. So, hearing that Don Moen will feature in Festival of Praise 2006 was like a MUST GO for me!! I’m glad I went.

Oh my…first thing, Don Moen is such a good looking old man la!!! He’s clean cut, charming, and just splendid. Mind my physical-critical mind.

He played the piano and the violin. Wooooo….so nice!!! I don’t know whether to attribute it to Don Moen or to the committee of FOP for the fact that Don Moen played on a Steinway Grand Piano!!! Woah!!! FOP 2005 didn’t have a grand piano (it featured Hillsongs and Delirious?). So, when I walked into the Singapore Indoor Stadium and sat down and saw the grand piano, I Ooooo-ed. “That’s a Grand Piano!!” So, of course my very curious mind wondered what Piano it is. So when the camera went near enough to point out that it’s truly the world’s best grand piano maker “branded” piano, I was smiling from ear to ear. And for a slight moment, I wanted to get my hands on it! Haha…

CCC (Christian Church Band) was way too loud for me. That added to me being extra delighted when Don Moen took over the worship leading. Of course, Don Moen has been worship leading for so many years hence knowing the ropes of it better! He’s an awesome worship leader la…

Don Moen and his team were wonderful. The supporting vocalist had superb voice! Oh my. I was thinking, “Man, if she were competing in American Idol, she’d have won!” And the rest of the team of musician were awesome but of course, I noticed the drummer more than the rest. Haha….

All in all, worth the queuing up for ONE hour under blazing hot sun!!! Oh my. It was so hot that Dr. Caleb Ho came up to us and told us to go down where they all are because they are under the shade there. When the rest arrived, they too ask us to go down to where they were. But Fun and Hui Yue didn’t want to. Probably thinking, we’ve been queuing up for so long already la. Haha…I don’t know. But I’m glad we didn’t give up our space because we got really good seats!!!!! Although in the beginning we weren’t too sure whether we’d get to sit together, but in the end we did. I asked the usher whether is it okay to book seats for friends. He said okay. So, we spread ourselves out…booking about 30 seats. Really thank God for the seats…haha….

So, if you ask me if I had a good time there at FOP, I’d say I struggled to worship in the beginning when CCC was leading but had an awesome time worshipping God when Don Moen took over. The sermon was strange for me. But to be honest too, I was kinda sleepy. Haha…..so, I didn’t give my full attention. Eeks.

Oh praise God for MUSIC man!!! Music plays such a big part in me life…..Thank God for music!!!

Upon recommendation from Chris and Shelbs, I'm going to watch Lake House tmr. I hope it's good.

Lord, help!!!

2006-08-04T08:28:00.000+08:00

I slept less than 5 hours because of stupid module registration – or rather, bidding for modules – This whole system of bidding for modules is stupid. All NUS students first lesson is how to be a stoke broker. But I guess, every system has it’s good and bad la. I was a little agitated last night about the whole bidding thing and seeing the amount of bids people were putting in. Pray hard and harder…..now, I’m just going to leave it in God’s hands! I’m going to try at other rounds…but what I’d do is that I’d come up with contingency plans. I’ve now gotten a few more different modules that I may also want to take. So, it’s not too bad. I’m just trusting God in this la. Let Him lead and guide me to the right modules to take for the semester. I shall not decide all this based on my own little and limited knowledge.

My hp died on me yesterday and it won’t get better. I’ve been praying. Please pray alongside me.

Stephanie is leaving today and then I’d miss her a lot esp when the rest of the team will still be around. Ya. But, she’s gotta go and do what she needs to do. I decided yesterday to go to the guys’ apartment, where the girls were gathering too, just to meet them and spend some time with them. I haven’t spent much time with them this week. So, we had a pretty good time there.

For me, putting on a smile isn’t very hard. It’s probably one of the easier things for me to do – it comes quite naturally. Yesterday was a test of that….Being in charge at the booth during the matriculation of the Engineering students was very challenging plus my mind and heart was elsewhere. So, it was honestly very difficult for me to stand and smile. But, God really was very good to me. He was there to really help me stand and smile and be really cheerful at the heart….I’d be honest, sometimes being cheerful isn’t what I want. Sometimes, I’d rather sulk. Haha….But oh well, God, have your way in me!

Ah Lord God, You are AWESOME

2006-08-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today I did something not very wise – something that I told myself I should change. I have a great tendency to pack my day back-to-back with things to do or people to meet. And I did that just today! I met Felicia at 1pm, then met Wei Ting at 3pm, then planned to meet Beverly at 5:30pm. So, its very hard to find time to squeeze anything in between. Then today, a girl called me and said she needed my help. So, I had to meet her in between meeting Wei Ting and meeting Beverly. Sigh. Next time, I must remember to leave some space in between things and not pack everything so crazy!

Oh gosh. I just recall something!! I double booked myself for tmr!! Oh gosh. Sigh…..Now, I’ve gotta go and un-double book myself….and then, Steph is leaving soon. I want to spend some time with her oso. She’s so funny la. I’d miss her. I’d miss everyone from the Summer Mission team la….

U know, today as I was just spending time with the three sisters, my mind is brought back again and again to how God loves me so much. And how good God is to me. God is too good.

Let me just tell you a little story.

On Tuesday, I was getting a little worried over my registration for modules. I have 4 pre-allocated modules and 1 more module to bid for. Still, I got so tensed. I imagines having mini Jee Lees around (like in Ally Mcbeal) and the mini me would be jumping around in my room frantically trying to pull her hair out too…So heart unrest…because somehow or rather, things weren’t falling into place. Then, I started chatting with Liren. As I was talking to him, I felt my heart even more not at rest. And then I felt God saying, “Jee Lee, be still!!” Then I thought “Yeah, good idea.” Haha…So, I turn up the volume of my laptop which was playing Christian music and worshipped God, not think about the modules, and just being in God’s presence and allowing Him to calm me down…

So after feeling less kan cheong about the whole thing, I was online and I saw Adeline online!! So, after discussing, I finally found a module I am interested in taking. A module I never knew existed and a module that taught the very thing I was very interested in!!! So, yes!! God provides!!! And he taught me, it’s not about my work, it’s about Him providing!!!

So cool rite??

God’s waaay too good la…He’s just awesome!

You know, the past few days, I’ve been reading Exodus and I’ve been enjoying every single bit of it. Sometimes when we read the new testament, there’s so much instructions that sometimes it’s so focussed on us. But in Exodus, there’s so much rawness in portraying God’s characteristic….and I think that is awesome!! Really!!! God is great….

I love you Lord…..
Love very very much!!!!

oh, announcement!! Jee Leng has gotten her driving lisence edi!!! She can drive! Woah. Time flies man...my sister can now drive. Will she drive me around now? Oh but wait, now i'd have someone to compete with in getting the car! HAh! but priority to me - birthright Jee Leng!! Birthright!!! hahahaha......I am evil....muahaha....

(Jee Lee gone crazy!)

My Hosea...

2006-08-02T01:43:00.000+08:00

Suddenly my mind is brought back to Hosea. And the joy of knowing that God pursues each one of us fills me to the brim! Each women want to be pursued and to know God as a lover as someone who’d pursue you and want to call you HIS is so sweet. But more than sweet, you know that you do not deserve this at all. You just want to give your whole life to HIM.

Lord, have Your way in me.

Oh my goodness!!!!

2006-07-31T23:00:00.000+08:00

I'm so excited right now!

I was just browsing through a photo gallery that my friend posted and as I was just looking at the pictures, I thought not of that friend but of JOSHUA. Yes!! Joshua. I don't know...the buildings, the lights, the sceneries, the painted glass, the everything....and THEN, the ultimate!! I saw a picture that has a banner that has the word that makes up Joshua's email! Oh my gosh!!! I miss Joshua! (not that I don't miss everyone else too...but there are just days that you miss specific people. So, today just seem to be Joshua's day.)

I don't normally use the toilet upstairs mainly because my room is downstairs and so it's so much more convenient to use the toilet downstairs. ya. But today, the Monday GC here. So, I went upstairs to use the toilet since the girls' toilet is upstairs and the guys toilet is downstairs. And then, I squeezed some soap onto my hand so that I can wash my feet. The aroma was so strong - the soap I mean. And I was brought back in time 2 years ago. It was the exact same aroma of soap that I first use on the first day I arrived in Singapore!!! Exact same smell! And then, all the memories came flashing by my head. Oh gosh! I could almost see myself crying in the toilet - well, that was what I did on my first day here in Singapore! Oh my....all the memories and then all of a sudden, I really felt like crying. I really miss having my mother here with me. Oh my!!

Was very tired this afternoon from standing at Matric Booth the whole morning and talking to people and at the same time, feeling so hungry that I thought I was going to faint anytime. Hence I tried sitting down everytime the booth area seemed empty. But now, I'm so energised la. With the aroma still in my hand, I cannot but still think of home....

I need to write to Weng Yan!

You're still you

2006-07-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

Josh Groban's voice is superbly charming! Oh goodness.

A list to my future husband: Must have singing voice like Josh Groban, the cheerfulness of Geoff, the funniness of Dave!!
Dream on Jee Lee!!!haha....

It really sucks when people meet me and they say "Hey, you look tired!" Oh man!!! I hate it when people can tell from how I look. Man, I must really start smiling more!!! Seish. It's just that most of the time, it's so tiring that I just really want to sleep but I should learn to not think about myself so much.

Funny la....sometimes things in life goes around in circles but at the end, it'd still go back to the starting point. Haha....then you wonder whether maybe somewhere down the journey, you could have taken another path that may lead to a different end. I'm not too sure.

anyhow, you're still you.... :)