Bleah....Yay....

Lately, my spiritual life hasn't been completely all goody and it's not as i would have love it to be. And i was thinking bout it before i went to bed last nite. Hah! The cause for sleeplessness and waking up late this morning!

My QT has been suffering abit...it's no longer a daily affair....bleah....

I sinned again this morning!! DARN!! I sat down on my bed. BLANK. Donno why like that. Donno what happened. Why did i sin? Why am i like that?!

I know i'm not perfect but i try my best. And yet, why is it that when its time to fight, i give up?!! I knew that temptation was creeping up. I didn't even try to put up a fight. I just let the temptation take up a level higher. I let it be....then it happened. Do i not remember that once temptation is not faught, it will lead to sin and den death? But why didn't i fight it? Don't i remember what is mentioned in Hebrews about deliberately sinning?

I was dissapointed in myself. And my imagination went wild.

God was probably sitting on His favourite chair as He looks down on me. Since He allowed that temptation, He was probably looking down to see what will i do. And BOOM!! He covers His face as He sees what i have done. He is disappointed.

And as i told myself not to think so much, i shut of my imagination button. But, i still felt like shit! So, i prayed....Lord, please....forgive me!!

I went to mandi....had my breakfast. Opened the lid of my piano. Took out the Spectrum of Praise (SOP)...played a few songs...Songs like Thank You ; Jesus, What a Beautiful Name ; The Father's Song...Wanted to do my QT but knew that i dont have enuff time coz mom was on the way home to pick me and sis up for lunch. So, i chatted with my sis instead. Had lunch.

So...anyway, i took my comp out. Did my QT!! and i was at Colossians 1.

19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

21Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of [a] your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

And wow!! Boom....i felt...i ONCE was alienated. Now not anymore. Jesus Christ died for me and you. And what does that mean to u? I donno. But it means a lot to me. It means that Christ loved me SOOOOOOOO much!! Even though i have sinned against Him, even though i am NOT perfect, even though i disappoint Him, even though i hurt Him....through all this, I know that God loves me. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He stoops down to my level and talks to me and comforts me and loves me. He accepts and loves me as who i am.

And even as i was doing my QT, a voice was lingering and saying...."You do not try to be good or godly or spiritual by your own strength!"....

Yeah....

How God sees me is the most important. How I see myself isn't important...how ppl see me is not important....

When i am weak, there i will be strong....When i allow God to work!!!

So...yes, i am deeply sorry for what i have done or not do.....sorry Lord for not pleasing you with my life. I know worship is not just on sunday morning but it's a lifestyle. May i learn!! At the same time, i thank You LORD for what you've been to me. For loving me. For accepting me - even at times when no one does and at times when i myself can't!!......

:D