I know nothing and it hurts...

I just came back from an exco meeting. I said things that I didn't knew would be coming out of my mouth. Woah. I just revealed the problem I had and the unbeautiful side of me. yucks.... A few of them never realised Jee Lee had such problems and never did they realise that Jee Lee was putting up a front all these while. It sucks tremendously to think that i've been such a disgusting person all these while. Or maybe not.

You know, I really thought I've gotten over the issue of being judged. I thought it was all over. I struggled with it very much many years ago but it resurfaced. Either I have completely forgotten about it or Satan just decided to bring that issue up again (since it is my soft spot anywayz). Either way, it is my fault for not being watchful.

Aih....

On the way back, while Edgar was talking about the PRC outreach stuff, I was thinking about the man who once caught my attention. I like him. He's a nice guy. I don't like him as in BGR ways (at least I don't think so) but he's a nice guy. :) And honestly, I miss him. (awww)

I am over and done with this whole bgr matter (or at least the struggles I had last semester). I don't exactly know why I am no longer interested but I know I am not anymore. Honestly, there's much work for God to do in me about being a woman, about how I see myself....(and I struggle a lot with these issues). I mean, if you ask me whether I am ready for a relationship, I'm probably not as ready as I would like to be. Yes, I am not expecting to be a perfect person before I step into a commitment of a relationship but the least I think should be done is about how I view myself and bout being a woman. It's not just all about gentleness and knowing how to manage the house. If I cannot be a stable person, I cannot expect a stable relationship. And I don't think I'll enjoy a relationship that is tossed around by the wave. I'm still growing....and maybe now is not the time for a relationship. I didn't utter any prayer that goes "God, will I have a bf this year?" So, I don't know whether it will be this year or the next or the next or the next and this can go on and on and on....

I've got an e-mail from YueenSan and I am troubled by what she said. She said I'm too hard on my sister. I'm super duper troubled by it. I am super troubled. Because I love her and I don't want her to drift away from me. But she's changed. I guess, when they grow older and they wanna have their own life, you're nobody to them anymore right? It sucks but my sister does seem to want me out of her life. The few days that I was back, i realised it. As I talk to her, I cry sometimes. Well, she wouldn't know because I won't be crying in front of her. But my heart aches to see her wanting me OUT but my heart aches equally as much when I see her behaviour, growth, character that so resembles her walk with God.... :(

So much for a great time at home...so much for a good holiday eh?

She or probably no one else knew how demoralised I was.....

Know why I almost cried in the first scene of Chronicles of Narnia? Because I will never ever give any of my family member up for anything else in the world!! And to think my sister is distant and to top it up, a friend is suggesting that it is my own doing, that's like a big big slap on the face!!! A BIG ONE.....