Finishing

I met James today and was telling Him the reason behind my going back home during the weekend. I know not many people know i was going home what more the reason behind it.

Just wanna feel you in, fellow bloggers, who don't know why i was back in KL during the weekend. Don't feel left-out, because even my parents and family didnt know the reason i was back home. My parents only found out on Monday night.

Here goes the story.

For about three weeks, the Lord has put a burden in my heart concerning my family. Not knowing what was the specific thing i was burdened with and thinking that it was normal missing home, i brushed those feelings aside. UNTIL spp. If you read other posts, i think i mentioned something about SPP.

So, i went to the Singapore Botanical Garden and telling the Lord, ok SPEAK. I want to listen. But, first...why the unsettling feeling in me?? Slowly He revealed that i am still burdened over my family. So, i took the opportunity to seek God concerning my family. It was good time spent with the Lord because He really searched me and revealed those things to me and it was definitely painful and i cried!!

As i spent the time with HIM, He brought me through the process of looking back to my childhood. How was i brought up, the words that were used, the things that hurt me, the things that made me cry, the things that make me who i am today, the things that still has a hold on me now, the things that make me feel SO lowly of myself. For those who don't already know, I think I seem to portray a confident person to many people - mainly because i'm loud and i speak my mind. But, to those who know me inside out, you would know that i actually have a very low self-esteem. And so, i was looking back and seeing the cause of it. It's not in the genes. It doesnt just come like that. Something happened and i was interested in knowing what. So, as i went with the Lord back to childhood, it was hurting....because throughout the process, those hurtful words were spoken and heard, it was painful!! But, at the end of it, the Lord clearly spoke to me. I NEED to go home. So, i said " Ok Lord. I'll go back during the mid-term break"...and on and on i went trying to negotiate a time to go back - a later time. I guess, the Lord knew best and He said "NO. Go back this weekend." I prayed about it a few times and on Tuesday or Wednesday, i decided to go back that weekend itself. In my prayers, i asked the Lord "what you want me to speak O Lord, what do You want to achieve?" And these words : I want you to go back so that you may be heal of the hurts and you may be set free. So that the devil have no hold in telling you lies about yourself anymore. I want you to DENY yourself. I want you to tell your parents how you feel towards them. Your father is putting the blame onto himself. I want you to go back to free him - to forgive him." So, i said, OK LORD!!

On friday nite, (the day before i left for KL) i was at our Navigators rally and somehow i was strucked with fear. I was so fearful. I didn't want to go home. I know my going home is a mission and i didn't want to do it. No one noticed but i almost cried in the function room. I was so afraid.

I came home and Bev asked whether she can pray for me. I turn and said "NO." I was afraid and i can't even pray!! Jing came after awhile and spoke to me about the happenings and how i was feeling and she warned me that the devil will use people to stop me from speaking to my parents (if that was really God's will)...we prayed HARD.

I left on Sat morning with JieYao....Reached home and the first thing i hear is that JeeAun has foot and mouth disease. My heart broke!! There were other resistance as well....JeeLeng getting knocked by a car. But, thank God, she's alrite and JeeAUn is better now as well. More importantly, i manage to accomplish the mission that the Lord sent me to do.

I spoke to my parents and their hearts were open to receive and accept what i have to say and also we said our sorries and apologised and forgave each other for all that has happened. They are not perfect and neither am i and of course i do not demand perfection from them. I thank God for them - for blessing me with godly parents, for them who love me despite my weaknesses. ANd my dad confirmed what the Spirit said to me concerning my dad and me! ANd it was great!! To hear from the Lord and to accept the forgiveness He has given to us!!!

All in all, it was a very blessed and fruitful time back home.

I love my parents very very very much....

and i pray that we will together as a family grow in our walk with the Lord and allowing HIm to heal our hurts in the past!!!

I thank God very very very much......for all that HE has blessed me with - things that i dont even deserve!! :D