New blog address....

I've just decided to change my blog address. Kinda rash decision. I don't care. I don't want to blog as if i owe some people some sort of explanation or feel really damn obliged to say the nicest things on earth for ppl to feel good. I want to feel a bit more open about things. More honest about things. that only ONLY my closer friends can view my blog. no one else should. It sux to hear myself saying this but yeah, BLEAH....

Man, i feel DARN depressed. It's like....i'm so darn depressed that i've got no other words to say liao. Lemme just say that a few more times, i'm darn darn darn depressed. But, why??? WHY???

I'm so depressed that i viewed Jon's blog to laugh at the short football clip...Man, the second one is darn funny. I couldn't even see arv's PEACE sign coz his hands were so dark and he lifted his hands to his face. How lar to see....Anyway, it was entertaining...I read all the funny comments on Shel's blog...Topher's blog...looked at Munonn's blog but nothing is up yet. Eh, u dont hilang ar!!! Start blogging again...but nvm, i look at the siew yuk pics to keep me entertained!! I am so darn depressed....

I really want to talk to someone close but no one is online now....DANG....
But on the other hand, i dowan to bother people. I dowan to around complaining about how depressed i am and den depressed them.....ahhhh shucks...

I've just finished talking to Su, Jon and Shelby.
And i'm feeling way much better now.

I really miss home...
It was really nice talking to them....
It was really REALLY nice talking to my low kong!! It's been some time since we chatted so long eh. Ahh....I really miss you....And thanks for talking and even gossip-ing...hehehe

let me think about how i felt and why i was depressed....

I've been thinking about this one question lately...

God said to me a week ago that He will give me the desires of my heart.
When He said that to me, the ONLY thought that was in my head was none other than him....
So, i thank God and happily went on my way doing my other stuff.
Lord, i am sinful and i am weak. Sorry!!! Sorry!!! Sorry!!!

I am sooo weak and sooo sinful....

i ask myself again what are the desires of my heart.

yeah yeah yeah....

I want to get married at 23.
I want to get married to him.
I want to be a good wife.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to serve HIM...
I want to be a good child of God.
I want to be a missionary.
I want to be backing my husband up in any ministry that he is in.
I want to go to India.

but my heart is divided. is torn. is heartbroken.

On one hand, i really want to get married.
On the other hand, i don't mind being single.
Then, i will serve HIM with all my heart, soul and strength and mind...
THen, i will serve HIM without dividing my heart...
Then, i will be able to really live my life leaning on HIM as my lover...strengthening my love relationship with HIM....

I guess, God wants us to "enjoy" life as well rite?
Sacrifices are made because i want to please Him...because i love Him....
Aarrrggghh...i donno....
I know God wants me to "enjoy" the things that He has given me...

I like what Shelby said...
I called her and told her i was depressed....yeap yeap yeap....

She said : I should enjoy it...

To a large extend, i do...i enjoy loving him...even though it hurts a lot at times....even though it's like DANG!! I wish i had no such feelings...But, i can't deny it. i enjoy it.

I was reading edgar's blog...haha....if u ever want to know why i don't disturb u when u're online its mainly because i know u're struggling with something and the worse friend i can be is go and stuck my head into ur comp and say, I GOT PROBLEM. NOW, HELP ME!!!

Actually, if i read the message history of what i said to him, it should be something nice. but, nope! I am not very happy. it sux but it's alrite...

I am single...not looking coz i've got my eyes on one person...believing in what God has said...waiting patiently. Ok, NOT very successful in that...but, i'm weak! I need YOUR help O LORD!!!

Help me to be faithful....

Diana and Serene's PMR examination is over!! YAY.....
Girls, i don't say this enuff, but i am missing you girls so much...Because i love you girls so much and to see the way you are growing in the Lord is making me so proud of you girls....I pray that you will really continue to grow and grow and never give up trying to grow!! It hurts but hey, no pain, no gain!! hehe...

back to him...

it hurts....

David commented today, "You seem very cheerful"...haha, when don't i? Of course, when i decide to show my uncheerfulness la...

I think most ppl have something to alwiz cover up how they are feeling inside rite?
Let me be really frank with you and tell you what is the mask i wear.
It's called : Cheerfulness and laughter.
I laugh A LOT when i'm depressed. A LOT!!!
I smile A LOT....
I help people to do things A LOT.
I talk to people.....but, alwiz asking bout them..
Bottomline is this : Talk about anything in the world but me. If not, don't talk at all...

I know God has been good...
He never gave up on me...
Even at my low low emotional state, He still spoke of HIs love for me...
Sometimes, i just get so overwhelmed by my own depression that i shut off whatever God is trying to say. but, i know God is speaking. i just dowan to listen.
I'm such a pest!!!!
I'm sorry Lord...
Forgive me LORd....
SORRY...SORRY...SORRY....SORRY....SORRY....

Please help me to LOVE you back......
Serve YOu in the way You want me to....
Honour You the way You want me to....
Glorify You the way You want me to...
May You have YOUR way in me!!!

Nite!