Finding the reason

I had a very bad ending to my day yesterday. I cried myself to sleep or rather, I was crying so badly that I had to sleep before I start wailing.

I shall not go into detail as to why I cried. I basically felt very lonely, very unloved, community-less. It's not easy living abroad and not having your community of comfort with you. A series of events took place that made me feel not only lonely and unloved, but angry and disappointed with a certain group of people.

Then, reading a friend's blog made me cry even more. I guess, reading about having two sides to a person and how this friend of mine have been portraying one particular side of himself more than the other reminded me how much hurt he has caused me and in the course of it, made me oblivious to the anger I held towards him. But, as I read about it, I felt that, either he choose to reveal himself this way to be in purpose to hurt me or it happened without him realising as well and that if I got angry with him, it was pretty unfair towards him. We've had this conversation before - about the real him. In essence, I think he's a gentle man, a sensitive man - because I am confirmed that he is born again in Christ. So, I know he is a person whom he might not see as himself. But, because he was blinded to see this other part of him, he thought he was becoming more and more the real him. And because he was acting the way he thinks he is, he hurt me and became an intimidating person to me. I got frightened and drew myself away from him. I remember the 2 five-hour long conversations we had. In those times, I was not intimidated by you. And I now realise why. It's because you were this gentle, sensitive person. You guided me to see me and you were very gentle in your ways. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable to me. You allowed me to see the weak side of you. You didn't portray yourself to be this infallable person. You basically showed me that you're as weak as I am, you're as vulnerable as I am, you need God as much as I do. And in those times, I was not intimidated by you. During those times, I feel I could connect with you.

And I cried when I read all those things you wrote and the meanings it had for me because I was discouraged and sad with the way our friendship is because of a seemingly simple matter - who the real you is. And therefore, who I perceived you to be.

Today, I took the time to ask God a few things. Reasons why I was so down yesterday. Reasons why I cried uncontrollaby. I understood why.

He was helping me to conquer this weakness of mine - discouragement.
He was showing me one way the devil works in lives of Christians and He oso opened my eyes to show me ways in which the devil is working in the ministry I'm involved in.

As I spoke to david, I also encouraged him to find out the reasons to why he is feeling the way he does, the reasons why the events took place the way it did.

I thank God for revealing things to me, pruning me, and moulding me to be a woman He wants me to be. :)