I've gotten it wrong - it's not about me.

Today was quite unpleasant. Truthfully, it's not just today. It's probably accumulated.

I stayed back in school to study until about 2am yesterday - in an attempt to study with about half of my mind on some other issue. Well, I manage to understand one very tedious reading and it's with great importance that I master the theories.

Having slept very late last night (or rightly, very early this morning), I found myself quite tired the whole day today. Tried to take a nap in school today but was very rudely woken up, which got me rather annoyed. In my desperation to finish my revision for the medicine module, I came home early to study. I thought Ade's facial expression engraved surprise-ation when I told her I'm going back early to study - having told her (and it's true) that I can't study in my room. THAT is why I stay in school to study till very late. Though desperate to finish my revision, I was still very tempted to just lay in bed for a while - take a nap - and then get up again to study. Fearing that the nap might just end up with me waking up the next morning, I refuse to fall into temptation. So, I hereby gladly say that I manage to finish my first round of revision for my papers this coming Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Second round starts tomorrow. Thank you Lord.

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I wrote this in my journal yesterday.

Sometimes I look around me,
And though things might seem bleak,
I know it isn't.

There will always be this voice,
In me, calling out to me,
"Don't worry. There's hope!"

And when I heed that voice,
And turn my head around to look,
I know that
Yes, all WILL be beautiful!

I don't know when,
I don't know how,
But I know it WILL.

It's so easy to look at situations, circumstances
And say the world is doomed,
Or worst still, "I am doomed".

I now see why Jesus said, "fix your eyes on things above and not on things below".
It is when you do just that,
That you see Jesus is really our hope.

Jesus, be the centre!

I don't know whether this is an "invitation" from God to start hoping again. Because when I began the day, my focus was also drawn to how Hope is not lost. In the afternoon, I wrote the above attempt on my part to be somehow poetic. In the night, a verse was given to me Heb 10:23. Now that I'm laying it all down here, maybe it is. But, I'm not very sure. My inability to trust whatever it might be surfaces because of my tendencies to escape and brush everything off and to generally take the easier way out.

I am unsure.

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I am not brave enough.
I am rebellious.
I am afraid.

I want to turn.
I want to change.
I want to not stay this way.

God, forgive me…..
For my stubbornness
For my rebellion
For my untrusting heart
For my hopelessness
For my unfaithfulness
For my unwillingness to surrender
For my unbelief
For my making it all about me.