A peek into the personal self

I went for last night’s GC meeting though I was reluctant. And Bernard was in his very Chinese mood. So, he wanted us to sing a Chinese worship song. So I thought, ok fine. I’ll just sit and be drowned by the singing of my brothers and sisters. Little did I realise that the song that Bernard chose was a song that Jia Ying taught me a few nights ago. How funny! So, when I realised we were singing that song, I quickly sms-ed Jia Ying to tell her about it and we laughed. But, Jia Ying is probably the only person who knows what that song means to me.

And then came a time where we gathered to pray for one another. And finally all the girls get to hear the condition I am in. I tried to put it in a less worrisome manner. I really don’t want anyone to be worried although honestly, I sometimes am worried for myself too. You’ve got to hear it for yourself. You would most probably be very worried too. If not because we were asked to pray for one another, I wouldn’t even have shared. It’s something that I would really rather just keep to myself. And I’m coping alright. I won’t say I’m doing terrifically well because there are days where I hit the ultimate low point of everything. But, again, there’s 1 Cor 10:13. So, I’m not doing too bad. Everyday, I wake up to make a choice to have my eyes fix on God and not on anything else. To make that choice has been excruciatingly difficult these days but I must persevere nonetheless.

I’m sometimes such in a low position that I don’t feel like doing anything in terms of ministry. Every Tuesday I arrange for tonnes of meetings on Wednesday purely because it’s my free day. But today, it’s extra difficult to not be sad. I woke up feeling like I’ve got the world’s back turned against me. Thinking that things might actually be better soon, boy, I was proved wrong. About an hour or so, I find myself crying in my room. And so today, I intentionally told myself “No more! I’m not going to contact anyone to meet tmr!” And then, half way in the day, I made my first plan – to meet and pray with Ade. And now, I’m sitting here in my room trying to arrange for other meetings too. Boy! I cannot really run away right? Not that I am a workaholic and I need to meet people in order to feel good about myself. But, there’s just a naggy feeling deep down knowing that I cannot run away from meeting people. God just won’t let me go. God just won’t let me wallow in sadness. God is higher above me and HE’s on a whole total different world.

Hence I always say there’s nothing to worry about me. Ask the people I’ve been talking to about this. And they will testify that inasmuch as I go to them totally bruised, they know full well that God is with me and that I’m not letting go this struggle without a fight. I will learn whatever God wants to teach me. I want to be part of HIS perfect plan. And this struggle is definitely not going to hinder me! Therefore, ask these ladies and even they are not worried for me (at least I think so). I know they feel for me. I know they know how much of struggle I am in. I know they know how much of pain I am in. But, I hope they are not worried.

And now, chin up! And look to up to the sky! And smile – for there is a greater purpose and plan ahead. There are great and wonderful things to look forward to. Trust me! Let’s be hopeful together.