I have failed

Lately I've been feeling like I have been disappointing my leader, my God. I feel like God's not pleased with me - I probably feel no one is quite pleased with me. But, I'm not stuck with self-pity. I just feel there's so much to move forward and that there's so much more room for improvement. I cannot give up. I must persevere.

Today, Bernard mentioned something that really taught me something. I have been silently wishing that in someway, emotions could be switch on and off for various purposes. Many times I wish for it to be switched off but lately I've also began to realise that inasmuch as I am extremely emotional, I've begun to be quite detached from my own feelings. It is scary that I can switch emotions relatively easy. That once I have decided not to let something bother me, it almost leaves me so soon that until someone brings it up, I would feel like I've lost it almost completely. It's scary. Yeah.

Watching Apocalypto made me also see how powerful emotions can be. How it drives people. And power always comes with the good and the bad and it is our responsibility to see how we use power responsibly. (Also how the love of a man towards his woman motivated him to persevere through trials…). Nevertheless, for me the lesson today would be about how much I have to a certain extent lost touch with my emotions and how that was the consequence of me thinking that it would be better for me if I wasn't so feeling. And again, back to the lesson of perseverance.

Trials didn't come my way so that I will learn to work without having emotions control me by shutting off that part of me. I should have learnt harder to know that as pain as the thorns can be, God is my comforter, God wants the thorns there to teach me endurance, God wants me to learn. And not be cold-hearted.

If emotions do not drive me, I do not know what can….because love is an emotion, compassion is an emotion. (It is more than just emotions) But, if I stop myself from my emotions, I more-or-less, have lost the meaning of what it is to be human. I have lost what it means to be a child of my God.