Much to write about nothing

I'm still trying to finish my dinner at 1:17am. Yeah. This is crazy. I have no idea why but I dont feel hungry. I didnt even feel hungry when it was dinner time. Aih...my tummy behaves weirdly.

I went to accompany Liren to study in the library today. He la!! 10 minutes in the library alone and then he complains feel lonely. So, I said, ok la....I'll come to study together with u. hehe.... I went because a fellow brother complains he is bored and he say he feels like shit. So, ok la. If it is within my means to help u not feel so shitty, of course I will lar rite. Plus, I was also planning to study. So, it doesnt make much of a difference, whether I study in the library or at home. I was home alone anyway. So, it's good to have company oso wert. So, there were selfish reasons too. I told liren, " I accompany you, you accompany me" :) And btw, i'm not complaining. I enjoy spending time with Liren. It's always fun!! He's a pal to me.....Brother, I miss talking to you the way we did when we stayed in PGP.

Liren blogged a few days ago about how when your best friend gets attached and then married, your friendship with him/her ends there. esp if ur best friend is of the opposite sex. It's not that I don't understand the sentiments but I think best friends will remain best friends even tho they're attached. I guess, thats what differentiates best friends from ordinary friends rite? I speak for myself. I know many people thinks that best friend should only have 1. I have three. One of them is a guy. I only meet up with him whenever he's back from UK. The last time he was back for holidays, I only met up with him twice. And, he's attached. Does that mean we're lesser of a best friend now? Of course not. I remember getting so darn jealous when he got attached. I told him. I felt damn insecure. I felt like his gf has taken my place in his heart. (Which btw, should be inevitable) He got damn pissed that I felt that way. He scolded me and said "Whether or not I have a gf, u'll still be my best friend" Of course I was darn happy to hear tat but also darn sad that he scolded me lar. And I think that that's true. I mean, we dont meet often. But when we do, the look in each others eyes tells us both that we're still best friends. So, what's there to worry? His gf knows me. His gf knows of our relationship. We're fine.

Sometimes, I get damn worried if i show that i care for friends (esp guy friends), they will think that Jee Lee likes them. And then, they start avoiding me and then we're no more friends. And it suckz big time!!! There have been a few friends with whom I am really not worried at all. And to these friends, I really appreciate it! David is one of them. Maybe coz we grew up together? But if you see the way we care and express it, you might think we like each other. I mean, I care for him. But, we're just friends. Su oso. I care for him. But, we're just friends (despite all the "I think you and him look good together" talk). Liren oso. We go to each other for comfort at times. But, we're also just friends. And mind you, these guys are single.

Aih...sometimes want to show love and care oso restricted. Of course, its not like I show the way a gf shows love to a bf lar. Wah lau....u think I wat? Still, as friends.....I sometimes feel so restricted. hmmm.....I'm just me...U tell me, is it wrong to show love and concern to a fellow brother? Aih....not like i overdo it oso. At least, i don't think so lar. But sometimes, it also boils down to that person lar. If he doesn't want u to show love and concern, then ok la. You choose who your friends are. If you only want that specific someone to be your only good friend, then fine with me oso. But, its pretty sad rite? You restrict people from showing love and concern to you. Honestly, I get a bit pissed when I think about how you always potray the idea of "Avoid Jee Lee. I dowan her to care for me. I only want her to care. Other girls cannot." Fine with me. But that hurts because its rejection in the face for being a friend. People say I read too much into things, sometimes other people do that more than me.

I want to give up coz it hurts but God is saying nope. So, ok...I won't try to give up but neither am I trying to love that person. I just want to be his friend. I told God to show me his weaknesses. In order that I can learn to tahan his weaknesses OR I can learn to give up. So, yes...i've been seeing so many things that I know I cannot tahan. And it's not even trivial matters. I even told myself that "looking at his weaknesses, he falls way below the kind of people that I will like"...so, why on earth am I even still liking him? He's sooo not my type lor. Other than his love for God, I don't see anything else that I am attracted to. And honestly, some of his habits are a damn put-off la. I'm not putting him down. He's a great guy! Just, you know sometimes u have a list of what your future spouse should be like and he doesnt fit that list that I have. So, I've been trying to un-like him, focusing on his weaknesses. Aih....I havent been succeeding. Everytime I see something about him or think something, I'd go to God and say "there, he's not the one. Now, can I give up?" And every single time, God will bombard me with a verse that somehow tells me to not give up. Man!! Haha, God even once told me that, " I know you love me and I know that these criteria that you have are actually very trivial to you" Man, sometimes its funny how God knows you soooo well and then he shoots you back! hahaha.....But God, it's not like it doesnt matter. Ok, maybe it's petty and trivial but still!!! It matters ok......See la, I'm even telling God what matters and what don't. aih...All I want is to be just his friend. :)

Sometimes I question why I am always of lesser importance compared to others. It happened again just now. Liren complains about how lonely he feels without hobbit. (Altho Edgar didnt say but I bet he wished kellyn was there with us) Nobody every misses Jee Lee. Nobody ever wished Jee Lee was around. Liren and Edgar said "I miss Miffy"...I miss her too :( Will I see you soon Miffy??....When Hui Li is not around, people say "Where's huili?" When Jillian is not around, ppl ask the same question. But never when Jee Lee is not around. I'm just being whinny. I KNOW why I am of lesser importance. And I'm completely fine with that. If God one day comes to me and say I'm of lesser importance to HIM (compared to someone else), then maybe I'll get angry and commit suicide. Until that day comes, I am comfortable with where I am. :) And btw, don't worry coz these incidents don't come by often. I just feel like whinning today. So, I look for things to whine about. hehe....

Jon said don't blog too long. Sorry. It is a long post. And it's about nothing really. Haha....Have you read Shakespear's Much Ado About Nothing? It's damn funny lar!!! I'm doing just that. Blogging about basically, nothing.