A sinner loved...

I try to run away so much that I waste so much time. I run away from schoolwork by hanging out in the co-op. I run away from my feelings by focusing on other things. I run away from going back to studies by trying to find attractive things in the co-op so that I can stay longer there.

I am a disgusting person! I haven't spoken to Beverly in about a week already. As in, we haven't had any heart-to-heart talks. Today, I said somethings to her and she told me things that I already know but refuse to do anything about it because I tried but it hurts so much and it didn't really work, so I gave up trying. At the end of the conversation, I turned to her and said "It's not that I don't know. But, you know how much it hurts? I tried. Cannot. So...forget it lar!" I walked out! I am horrible!! I am disgusting!!! I walk out on a conversation!!! I am darn bloody rude! What an arse!!!

Aih.....

Julia wants to have a bonding time on the 30th. Hmmm...have we forgotten that Noel has a paper on the 1st? I miss talking to Noel. Liren is in Bintan! I miss him too...I miss Hui Li. I haven't been speaking to her much. Forgive me!!

Only yesterday I was talking to Gloria and she made this comment "I never believed in pampering myself" I felt damn guilty! Every year, I'd pamper myself. I think I have not been doing that for some years already but I used to. I still remember going to Shangri-La for High-Tea once every-year. That's really pampering myself!! I buy a pressie for myself every year for my birthday. (Incase no one buys anything for me.) haha....Weird thing was that I didnt buy anything for myself this year. I can't remember whether I bought anything for myself last year anot. But, I have made up my mind to not waste money on myself anymore. It's weird that I take so long to finally decide not pamper myself. Although I don't really spend very much on pampering myself, and it doesnt make much of a difference if I used that money to pamper myself or not. But, I guess....there's something more deserving of me spending my money on than myself. No, it's not that I think myself lowly!! I mean, yes, I give back to God. I save like crazy in order that I can give God more. But, there's really no sense if I save on food just to give God an extra $2 or $3 dollar but I don't mind spending $ 20-30 on myself. What nonsense!!!!

I appreciate friends like Su tremendously. Our friendship only grew stronger after we both started to serve in the Youth Fellowship together rite? When friends are willing to call you all the way from Malaysia just to talk to you, knowing that you're not doing too well, I appreciate it tremendously!! With friends like this, I don't need a bf. Muahaha...But, Su, once u're attached, I'd probably need someone to fill that gab edi. :(

Me : Su, why does it hurt so much?
Su : Because when u care alot about someone,it just hurts to know u don't mean the same to them.
Su: and sometimes..it hurts because we trying to rebel against God's will for us

I don't know what I am doing. I am confused. Like a friend once said, I'm loving not hoping for anything in return. Not even the love reciprocated. Maybe it's silly. Maybe it's stupid. I even tried looking at every guy and saying "See, he's better". Yet, at the end of the day, I know I cannot lie to myself and I know I cannot deny the feeling. Although I see how things will be much better if I just give up and let things be the way it used to be. But, if I know God has said that He wants to teach me something through this and rite now, it's not the time to give up yet, then I cannot disobey rite? Although honestly, I really really want to give up. It hurts waaaay tooo much! But, God's will be done!!

I'm no special person. I'm just an ordinary person. With a huge heart for India and I sooo want to go round the world, for the seemingly holiest reasons ever, for missions!!! Believe me, I might seem holy to some of you, but I am waaaay faaar from that!!! Trust me, I am a horrible, disgusting, terrile, atrocious sinner!!! I am not sweet! I am not nice! I am horrible!! I am disgusting. I am not looking down on myself. I am being truthful. I don't see in myself anything that's worth loving. But, it is really for that reason alone that I am amazed at how much God loves me. "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." There's just too much to be forgiven of in me. That's why I am often amazed and how much God loves me!! I believe it takes a lot for someone to love me! That is why I will never stop giving thanks to God for those of you who took on the challenge to love me. hehehe....