When ur head starts questioning...

I've just had 2 hours of sleep.

I got this postcard from Jia Ying and she says this :

I always remember your MSN nick : "To give to God beautifully"

Aih.....

And then I look at the description of my blog.

SIGH.....

And I feel I've drifted so far from God. I feel so sinful. I feel so unlovely. I feel horrible. I try to justify and say things like "No wat, I still walk close to God. I still seek Him concerning things. I still put Him first." This are all lies. All the lies that I tell myself. I am super duper sinful. Super duper big liar. Super duper horrible.

I struggle with issues that God has already shown direction. Why can't I be more obedient? Why can't I be more faithful? Don't I know that I cannot, by any means, please God without faith? Don't I know that?? I KNOW!!! But still, I am so damn stubborn. Sure, I have my fears but should these fears surpass God's love for me? Should it? Of course NOT. But, I still fear. Fear so much that I dowan to seek His voice. I am horrible. I am useless.

I feel damn demoralise. To know that my Father in Heaven is not pleased with me, trust me, it's super damn demoralising. I'm a hypocrite. I say I love God but the things that I do do not complement my words.

I have not tried to give to God beautifully. At least I know I can settle for a standard lower. How dare I!!! How dare I degrade what is due to God!! How dare I!!!! God deserves much more.....God deserves sooooooooooooo much more.....

I am sooooOooOooo Sorry Lord....

I feel worse than shit and I've got a paper later.

I deserve a slap on the face....oh wait, more than that!!!

I feel absolutely sinful. I'm sooo sorry Lord.