TiReD but Amazed...

Travelling back home today was pretty tiring. First of all, there was a delay in leaving KL. Then, there was an hour break in Johor for a meal. The bus left KL about 11am. It should have reached Singapore by 5pm - latest. But, I only reached back home at 7:30pm. Mom and dad msged me at 6:20pm to check whether i was home already anot. They were worried. I was exhausted. Bumped into Hui Li at Woodlands checkpoint. Came home together! :) That was nice.

As I said my goodbyes to my family, I wished I could go with them to Klang to visit my aunty and cousins and nephews for Hari Raya. Malay food and Indian food always attracts me - esp the spicy food. No wonder i'm Jee Lee (and i take the nick name Chilli Padi). For the few days that i was home, it was well spent. Of course i wished i had more time to talk to my sister but it's alrite. She seems to be doing quite alrite.

I told Beverly that the 2 main agenda of this trip back home was to speak to my sister and to speak to my mom concerning some issues. I also told her that i realised that this trip back home was a getaway for me. An emotional getaway. I took my readings back home, thinking i would be able to read. But, when i was back home, i felt a greater necessity to be spending time seeking God and allowing Him to speak to me and heal my heart.

So, yes....i'm feeling much better.....But, i'm not completely strong enough to stand on two feet and be even adventurous to climb Mt. Everest. I'm MUCH BETTER but i'm not strong enough. So, you might still hear me whinning when i'm down. oppsss....

This song has been in my mind today. And i feel so inspired.

I want to be your servant, Lord.
To serve You each and every day.
I Want to give my best to You.
Approved in everyway.

Make my life a living sacrifice
The way You want me to be
To serve You with all my heart
Whatever the Cost to me
Take me, break me, mould me Lord
As the potter shapes the clay
Pleasing You in all I do
Approved in everyway

I'll stand before Your righteous throne
to hear "Thou good and faithful one"
"Well done" from the master's lips
Approved in everyway.

I almost teared today. I realised that i have not been giving my best to HIM. I realised I have not tried hard enough to make my life a living sacrifice. I have not tried to be obedient. I have not tried to be the way God wants me to be. I have not tried to serve HIm with all my heart. I have not tried to give HIM everything "whatever the cost may be". I dare not say "take me, break me, mould me". I've realised that the pain in my heart is not only caused by the one beautiful man but I know that there was a hunger for God but I didn't want that hunger to be filled more than the hunger for that beautiful man.

When it's all been said and done,
There is just ONE thing that matters
DId i do my best to live for truth?
Did i live my life for You?

I think, I have not!

Lord, I'm Sorry....I'm Soooo sorry.....SOooooooooOOOo Sorry.....
I've failed....again and again....and again! SOrry....

And when i see how You, King over all creation, lay Your tender hands on my head, gently pulling me near to You, giving me a beary hug, encouraging me to stand up again, desiring to heal the hurt in my heart, listening to my cry, giving me strength to stand up, granting me grace that is sufficient for me day by day, I can't help but be amazed by YOU!!!! And thank You from the bottom of my heart!!