Arrrgggghhhh

Haven't blogged in a few days.

The past few days have been quite crazy. Sleeping for an average of 4 hours perday for 5 days is no fun! But, I thank God! Coz He has been sustaining me and not only that. My brains were also working even though i've been really deprived of beauty sleep. And even at 3am or 4am, I am wide awake. Goodness...the past few days, Gloria and Beverly have been awake too. They don't stay up with me tho...But, they are honours year students ok...don't play play man! Mebbe they have a smarter way of working. Then again, i have this really bad habit of staying awake for a long long time. So, Bev and Glo goes to bed about 10 or 11pm and they get up about 3 or 4am. And, I will go to bed about 3 or 5am or 7am. Craziness rite? muahaha....Gloria was so funny the other day. She woke up at about 3am and den i was still doing my work, so i was awake lar. I don't know why i was so awake, but i was singing as i was doing my work. Then she turn to me and say "Sister, i'm so blessed to see u so awake and so cheerful at tis time of the day." I tot what!! when she held my hand, i tot i was too noisy liao. But, i was so happy to hear that! :) And really, i give thanks to God. Because it was really HIM who gave me such energy and cheerfulness. Hehehe...REALLY! I've been experiencing it so much lor.....

Today my body is really aching. I thank God body clock still intact tho. No vomitting. Nothing scary. I can still make it. Just that my body a bit siao edi. U know la, my back got a bit problem wan rite? Aih.....I still remember how i injured my back. It was year 2002. At the end of my first year of STPM (A levels), me and my classmates went to Pulau Langkawi. It is a very very nice island!! SOOO many things to do. Ok, I was lifted up and thrown into the sea even though i repeatedly told them i can't swim. And of course, getting dumped into the swimming pool oso. Man!! Why i kena bully so much wern??? All done against my will. Lifted against my will (I don't like to use the word carry. And nope! No one is suppose to carry me!! NO WAY!!). THrown into the sea and pool against my will. Held under water against my will...Boohoo...ok, so, at the island, we were suppose to get onto the sampan. But because the sampan needs to be stable. But because ALL the guys went over to the other sampan, just because it reached first..they wanted to reach the other small lil islands first! Ish...guys!! So, because all the guys weren't around, someone heavy have to sit RIGHT IN FRONT of the sampan so that it is stable. So, i sat lor. But, i'm not that heavy as to hold the sampan down! So, wanna guess what happened??!! The sampan was going very fast and i felt every single hit against the wave and i felt like i was sitting on a very fast moving bus that doesnt stop when it approaches a bump! Man!! When we reached the other lil island, my back was feeling funny! Bumping up and down was really uncomfortable. I believed that was how i injured my back. Then, after the trip, i felt it really bad! It was so bad that I can't stand during our Church Choir practices. Plus, it was so near Christmas already. So, we had our full-dress rehersals and the heels!!!! And we were suppose to be performing at other churches as well. Oh no!!! But, thank God coz I was able to make it for the performances. If not, die lar!!! We all had our share of pain. I still remember Charity had her gums aching as well. So cannot open mouth big big. So kesian her ok.

Anyway, that's the history of my back. Honestly, i do get a bit worried about it at times. Since i don't think my future husband (i donno who btw!) reads this, ONE of you who reads this better tell him to take good care of me ar! Hahaha.....I've got really bad habits too....I've got a really bad posture, right Shel? heheh....I bathe really late without heated water. Aih....And u know what am i worried about? No, i do not worry about whether when i grow old, i can walk straight anot. THE only thing i worry when it concerns my back is when i get pregnant.Have u seen women who are pregnant but cannot walk properly coz of the weight of the baby? ANd we all know that the one thing that supports the weight of the baby is the mother's back! How am i suppose to survive lidat? How am i suppose to get pregnant??? Haha....It's strange how i am so confident that i will have children of my own but not confident that i will get married (ok la, i think i dare say that i WILL get married but to who, haha...i donno). Anyway, bleah.

So, after 5 days of sleep deprive, i am here blogging at 1am. I was suppose to submit my last assignment for this semester today. That was why i stayed up late until 5am tis morning!! And den, i woke up at 8am this morning just to edit my essay before i leave for class. Plus, i have a 6 hour day today! So, i woke up feeling really tired but still got down to editing my essay, which exceeded the word limit by more than a thousand words. Man!! Anyway, my prof wont mind wan lar! Hehe....Then, after my quiet time, i decided to read my NUS e-mail. ANd what i saw brought mix feelings. My lecturer sent out an e-mail telling us that the dateline for submission of the assignment has been postponed to a week later!!! On one hand, i'm SUPER grateful to God for this second chance to write a better paper. On the other hand, when i consider one thing DONE, means it's done! I'm not gonna go and touch it anymore. And, i've considered the assignment done and ready to be handed in liao. So, arrrgggghhhhh.....So, i contemplated handing in the essay. But when i went for lecture, i decided not to. I remembered praying and asking God to help me to do well in this paper. I sux at this paper lar! So, this was probably a way of God answering my prayer. So, thank U Lord. I look at the piece of work and i thought it is ok lar. I've got my points. My stuffs were ok. But if u ask me whether would i consider myself giving the piece of work the best i can offer to God, then my answer is NO! So, yeah lor.....must improve it! Must give God the best eh!! So, do pray for me to be diligent yeah!

On another hand, i went for tutorial today and i met Shao Zhen and i asked her about the assignment. Handed in edi anot? You see, we were suppose to do our seperate parts. There are 4 of us in total. I blogged about them in the earlier posts...So, I was suppose to do the Introduction and the summary. Karen suppose to do Lit review. ShaoZhen suppose to do Methodology. MingLing suppose to do summary of our findings. We were all suppose to come together to discuss the analysis. But because they all came late on monday, the day we were suppose to discuss, we weren't able to finish the discussion in time. We all had to leave already. So, I volunteered to take home and finish up the discussion part. It's suppose to be 4-5 pages long ok. So, it's darn long. But, i tot...it's alrite lar...So, i got home and started doing it right after my BS on monday. I stayed up until about 7am doing it ok! I'm not boasting. i'm just saying i did my part. So, ShaoZhen and Mingling was suppose to do the editting. So, i found out from ShaoZHen today that they stayed up from 8pm till 9am the next day in school. Ok, thank u girls. But, as ShaoZhen was telling me today, i thought i sense a bit of hostility in her. I thought she wasn't happy with me not being there to edit the paper. But, i wasn't suppose to wert! Anyway, i just read an e-mail from mingling. Apparently, they called Karen down to help with the editing also. but they didnt call me. So, ok! Fine! However, in the email, mingling voiced her discontent in wanting me to treat them a meal when i see them. Like, hello? not like i didnt do my part of the work and if u wanted me to be there during ur editing, call me la! U didnt call me and now u're blaming me for not being there? Hmm....i just feel a bit unfairly judged. And, i trusted them with the division of work piece! We were suppose to submit a piece of paper telling the prof the division of work between us. Now, they sent me a copy of the paper and honestly, i am not happy with it. Coz, yeah...if i were the prof, i'd think why this JeeLee did so little work. But man!! No lor!!! I did my part! Yes, as u can tell, i'm quite upset. I can't believe i've been treated like this. I mean, it's not like i didnt put in my best effort. I really feel treated unfairly! aih...I feel so upset that i was on the verge of replying that e-mail and giving them a piece of my mind. But, that wouldn't be very nice would it? I mean, even more in times like this i gotta show my Christian Love lor.....hmm, but i honestly don't feel too good about it. I prayed that God will help me to forgive them and show grace. Please pray for me too. I hate it when i get angry with people. It's not good!!!

On a brighter side, I had a very good bible study just now. I see how the Lord is opening ways for me to pass on the message that the Lord has for the girls....Please pray for me and felicia (co-leader) yeah. And for the hearts of the girls to be ready when we share. :) Again, God has been gracious to me. I was dead tired before BS. But, thank God i wasn't sleepy during BS. :)

Edgar told me a few nites ago that he wants me to meet up with a girl who wants to join nav. Personally, a girl approached me about nav as well. I wrote to her and told her about nav and she replied my mail today! She said many very encouraging things. So, personal follow-up eh. I've gotta admit this, to a certain extend, i put aside ministry work during the past 1 week. Not completely but i didn't give my best. So, there are a bit of follow-up work that needs to be done. I'm meeting one of my bs girls tomorrow. :) Meeting HuiLi after that. Many many e-mails to write as well....Many many readings to do as well....

If u already know, from my previous posts, I've been struggling over some issues lately. And if i didn't already mentioned, God spoke to me and told me to seek Him. Honestly, i'm scared. I'm really scared. Haha! I guess, i'm really afraid that God will say something that i dowan to hear. U ever felt that before. On one hand, u want to hear it - coz it's probably what ur heart wants but on the other hand, u also don't really want to hear it. For me, i don't know why there is this confusion of what i want or why i feel this way. But, i think i'm afraid that i will feel pain in both situations. So, i oso donno! I'm afraid. Sunday, God said "Seek Me" and i said, "ok! But after Thursday." God is very gracious to allow me that! On Tuesday again He reminded me about seeking Him. Haha, either HE really has something good for me (something that i want but have fear of wanting?) or He thinks i'm gonna chicken out on seeking Him. Either way, it was good that HE spoke to me again. I spoke to Beverly yesterday about it. I told her that i have this intention of seeking Him yet i am darn afraid, darn scared. Its so much easier to run away. But, nope i won't! So, i told her to keep me accountable. She must make sure i dont go and make appointment on Saturday! The day i decide to have ETWG!! She must make sure i get down to doing it!! I told her a bit of what i feel. Here and there la...i think she knows what i'm thinking and how i am feeling. And I think because she's out of the situation, she probably knows how i am feeling actually more than i do! So, she is in a better position to tell me how i feel! Muahah...at least in a better position that me telling myself lar!! Ish....So, muahaha....i donno!
Do pray for me yeah. Pray that as i seek Him, He will speak to me.

Okay la....

My sister is going to visit the Orang Asli later in the afternoon. Going to visit the Orang Asli who came to the church for camp. I'm glad she's serving! I'm glad and proud of her even. But, i have a fear. I am afraid that she's so driven by her "Christian" duties that this it all becomes a ritual to her. As it can be to many christians. Service probably is one of a bigger idol than most people would notice or admit eh! I pray that she's not too drawn away from the Lord by the service she renders to HIM. I pray that my friends - wherever u may be, will always serve the Lord because U love Him and because He deserves it! And that ur relationship with Him never turns into a ritual! Yeap yeap yeap....

Ok la...Long post! As usual...

Gotta go!

Late edi. Nites!!

EDIT: I was reading Kat's web journal and i usually enjoy reading her posts. But the topic that was on her most recent post don't seem very inviting - marriage? Hmm.....i wonder why too. ;p