Ugliness

Early this morning, a few of us were discussing whether the chicken meat we eat are cockerel or hen meat. Joshua insisted that the Chinese have a belief that Cockerel meat is poisonous, therefore we eat hen meat. Samuel on the other hand says that people don’t eat hen meat because it’s not tender enough. And because I’ve never actually knew that there is such distinction when you eat chicken meat, I couldn’t contribute to our very interesting discussion on what chicken meat we eat. Gosh! So, I was assigned to ask my mother. And I have. Surprisingly, Joshua is right. Weird right? And my mother says that Cockerel has less meat and more bones, therefore we eat hen meat. And like human-beings, hen has more “chicken” fat compared to a cockerel. My gosh! Do you even think of such things? No right? Well, Joshua does! He’s strange!

Anyhow, yesterday was a rather full-day for me. I wanted to spend some “intimate”-girl time with Shel and so I went over to her house. Watch Oprah, watch her do stupid things online, look at Little Dog, hang her clothes(together with her). And then her daddy informs her that there’s no need to stay home because Snubby would be in the hospital for another day. So, yay! We can leave the house! So, we went to Up-town and tar pau-ed Indian rojak, then head to SS21 to have Cendol. After satisfying ourselves, we then headed for Jon’s house. 2 current university student had to educate this boi how to send his job-applications. I thought that that was quite funny. Hehe. We turn on the tv and planted out butts on the couch and stayed there till almost forever. Shel and Jon were quite nice to me la. They allowed me to stay on to watch my TWO Chinese soap-operas. Haha.. Hungry me then went over to PJ (with Shel) and first headed to Joshua’s house where we did nonsensical things and then went out for my supposedly dinner. But by the time we got to the makan place, my head was in total agony and so I lost whatever appetite I had earlier. After that was Samuel’s house for chat chat until donno what time man. I think we left about 5 something this morning. I reached home at 6am, when my siblings were already getting up to go to school. Slept for 2 hours and I’m awake. My my my! What hectic lifestyle I have! Haha, NO!!

Anyway, depressing things do happen even though you are with friends whom you love and talking all sorts of nonsense in the world, for eg: what chicken meat do we eat. Oh my!

For most of my life, people have always said that I look older than my age. It never hurt until my friends, those whom I love dearly, says that too. And it’s not like the nicest thing to say. But they say it anyway. I mean, how nice is it to know that your friends think you look like an aunty, that you look like your friends’ teacher? Yeah. And it didn’t help at all when one of my friends said something like: Oh, you don’t want to hear what my friends say about you then. Like, thanks ah!! I honestly don’t blame them because I take it jokjngly (and also I know that they don’t mean to hurt me either and they mean to only joke about it) and I laugh about it too. But you know, it hurts when I am reminded of how “old” I look amongst my young looking friends almost everytime I meet them. It’s like how people used to (and some still do now) call me fat but it normally doesn’t affect me because I take it jokingly. But, when they persistently want to MAKE me feel fat, eventually, I will. And it’s one of the most bleah feeling in the entire world.

And the suckiest thing in the world is that, yes, it was my doing for being fat. But, it is not my doing that I look OLD or even UGLY. Not mine rite? Then, why do you punish me for looking the way I do? It’s hurting la.

Some people will say : Don’t blog this because people will read and then they will start to be very pretentious in their conversations with you. I don’t expect those who read this to go around telling the others about how it made me feel. Just leave it. I am fine with it. I guess, I’ve gotta learn to deal with it la rite?

I am just being honest because I haven’t felt this way for a very long time and so when I’m struck with this feeling, I blog it down. It sucked really! Feeling fat and ugly is bad enough. What made it worse was I was angry with God! Yes, I was. I seldom get angry with God but this morning I did. I felt as if God didn’t understand how is it like to feel fat and ugly. Why did He make me ugly? Why? I think worse still is that I have beautiful friends all around me. I spoke to Liren about this and he asks me: how are your reactions to God? I said: I honestly don’t know what to say or how to react to God because deep in my head, I feel I should not be angry with God (How dare I?!) and also I know that there are verses that says I’m wonderfully made and that God loves me and all that. But, in my heart – I felt ugly and abandoned! And totally hurt!!!

Oh God, right now, I can only say this: forgive me please.