It's quite a struggle...but most of the time, worth it!

I’m now in Singapore. First day in Singapore and this was how it was like.

I arrived in Singapore at about 9am and took a bus to reach where I stay and got “home” at about 10am. Walked into my room but saw my table filled with things and my bed with some clothes. Assumed that someone was occupying my room while I was away. So, I didn’t had the liberty to clear my bag and rest on my bed. It’s okay. I then, took out my laptop and checked my mails and chatted on MSN. Was getting bored, I mean, really bored. So, I bathed and then went out for lunch with ronglong.

Lunch turned out to be about 3 hours long. So, there goes my visit to the bank.

Then, rushed to the shop to buy toothbrush and shower gel. I’ve run out of those and it’s essentials! Got home and was ready to leave the house again.

You see, I was asked to partner a girl who is here on a mission exposure. I didn’t quite knew what it demanded and reluctant to take on another responsibility, I said NO to my leaders. Yes, Jon, this was the NO I was talking about. There was an orientation program for them today and because I said no, I didn’t go for the orientation program. At about 1 plus, my ministry leader calls me and says I should be there. I was surprise, honestly. Because I’ve already told my leaders I won’t be there. So, why should he asks me to go? Unless of course, my leaders didn’t inform him. Anyhow, I obeyed.

And as I was thinking about it….well, maybe it’s God’s plan.

My train of thoughts run like this:

A few days ago, I was reflecting a little bit and I realised how anti-social I’ve become and it’s a sad thing for me because of all the gifts I have, friendliness is one of them and making people feel welcomed and comfortable is gift that I treasure a lot. And I realise that I’ve not been exercising my gift very much! How I knew? A few Sundays ago, a bunch of people from MV Doulos came to my church and some aunty came over to where we (the young ppl) gathered and asked us to go and befriend them. I was reluctant. I mean, how selfish can that be?! I am unwilling to even go and say HIE to visitors of our church. I rather sit in my corner of comfort and not be disturbed. And so, it struck me! That I’ve become so anti-social, so comfortable in my little zone that I’m unwilling to budge to make people feel welcomed! That I’ve stopped exercising my gift that God has given me. And so, I prayed! REAL HARD that God will not take away that gift from me and HE will help me exercise it more! It’s a gift I really treasured!!

And when my leaders from Singapore emailed me about this opportunity to serve these “missionaries”, I was pleased because I felt that this is an answered prayer – that God is giving me an opportunity to exercise the gift that He once gave me. Yet at the same time, I was reluctant because I didn’t want to get out of my comfort zone.

I ignored all that I was feeling and started weighing it all by it’s pros and cons and I thought I don’t want to get myself into another commitment when I myself have already quite a handful of things to do. And that was why I said NO to my leaders.

But, I’m guessing that God has His ways of doing things and maybe HE really wanted me to be the companion of that girl. And maybe it’s for that girl’s benefit too. Because if I don’t partner her, she’d be alone and she’d have no local companion. Either way, it was God’s plan.

The fact that I was bored today and that Bernard didn’t get my refusal notification and asked me to be meet them tonight was sort of a way of God saying to me that He wants me to do this and other things I had in mind could probably wait. Yes.

So, I’m going to say YES to them this time.

Sometimes it’s tough. I know most people would say I’m a very obliging person and I won’t give NO as an answer to people. And I also know that some people might even question “must everything be so God-oriented?” My answer is this: In my relationship with God, many a time God allows me to make my own decision. He places the pros and cons in front of me and tells me to choose. And so, it’s up to me. And I can say NO. Like this time. But ultimately, I feel that it also comes back to the question of whether I want to cooperate with God in this or not. God’s plans for us are great but if we don’t cooperate with Him, we either have to wait a longer time OR forget about that wonderful plan God has for us. Either way, it’s our choice. The way I see it, either way, I lose out. So, that’s why I have a greater tendency of obeying and choosing to do the things that might so-called benefit me and cooperate with God.

And many a time, it ain’t easy. But, like Eric Liddell once said too, “ If there’s anything worth doing, it’s worth giving our best” and in this instance of my relationship with God, if it is worth keeping and strengthening the relationship, then it’s worth giving my best. And giving our best in anything is never easy!

I struggle and I’m not perfect. But that’s exactly how I see life on earth is about: it’s about us sinful and imperfect human being perfected for HIS glory! And one day, when we meet God, one day, I hope He will look at me and say “welcome home, my faithful daughter”! And to achieve that, it’s even more effort demanding then trying to be in the dean’s list or trying to be the richest woman on earth! So, it ain’t easy and I ain’t perfect.