Suddenly, people have been asking me “Are you joining us for the Philippines trip ar?” When have I said that I’m pulling back? To be honest, I have been a little scared – for the stupidest reasons. I’m afraid of the fact that there will be no proper toilet facilities. This is one fact you have to remember, I am very particular about this. If I can, I will keep my faeces in till I reach home. I definitely can’t hold it in for 3 weeks!!! And oh, I’m told I can only use a minimal amount of water for bathing. Now, that would be quite difficult. And yeah, this mission trip, we have to do stuffs like preaching…YIKES! I am a Brethren. All descendents of Eve keep total silence in church, whenever there are Adams around. So, preach? Add to it, preach to church leaders….WOAH. Sweep me off my feet man! Cannot la… I’m still struggling. I will so need to talk to some people about this. But anyway, yes, back to my a little reluctance to go to Philippines. And then, I say “God, dowan to go can?” And then, the other side of me reminds me that I have always been wanting to go for mission trips. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DREAM OF BEING A MISSIONARY??? Become missionary of course have to learn to dig own shit hole la! haha. But, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want to go to Philippines. I still very much want to be a missionary. Yeah, all the scary stuff do get to me but if I do be a missionary it’s not like the most “prestigious” occupation eh. And I know I’m not doing this out of my own selfish ambitions. Freely I have received, freely I give….that’s the only concept. I have received much from God. How to not give back? So, am I excited over going to Philippines? Yes, very much!!!
Half way through meeting today, my mind went back to a comment Joshua made a few months ago “You want to be missionary? Very hard to find husband wan you know!” He knows my soft spot. Yeah! Very hard to find husband. HOW? And then it’s like as if all those thoughts find it’s way into my mind – You sure you want to die alone? You sure you want to live your life alone? No one beside you? No CHILDREN? – wah, these thoughts suddenly seem so scary. I try to be strong and say “Yes, Can! It’s okay if I don’t have all these things, as long as I have God!” Who am I trying to kid? I mean, yeah, I’d give my life to God and yes that means if in HIS sovereign will He wants me to die alone, live my life alone, no husband, no children, I will gladly obey! But, if you ask me what does my heart wants, I’ll be honest, get married to a missionary, have children, and live our lives in abandonment for God.
Listening to Simon & Garfunkel now and it’s making me even more sad. But ah, love them! And I remember how we’d play them on Saturdays and sing to them while doing house chores! It’s always so good.
Labels: Ministry, Thoughts
2 Comments:
eh.. dont listen to my brother. He says the same thing to me ALL THE TIME. Like as if our human existence becomes void if we dont marry or have children.
Not that i'm discouraging you of course. On the contrary, been thinking abt this myself alot lately. But i'm putting myself in God's hands, so if its Africa, then to Africa I go (just an example) whatever the consequences. Life is so short, and should be stuffed full of God's glory. I just watched Becoming Jane and Miss Potter (few weeks back). Same theme.. sob. sigh.
So dont worry, and dont listen to my brother. He doesnt look like he will marry either so what is he talking about?!
Haha. Yeah, don't listen to ur brother. It's also not that our human existence becomes void if we dont marry or have children but i can't deny that it is part of a girlish dream I have la. :)
I tell myself that life should be stuffed full of God's glory too. But when right now when i'm faced with issues that I think about only (missions), i guess, it's always easier said than done. The girlish dream comes up and it becomes a worry. Of course, leave it to God's hands...yes.
Haha. Your brother probably says that to every single girl la...haha
He knows the impact it will have on girls and he knows that if we girls were to say the same thing to him, it'll have no effect. Bleah.
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