Rethinking

After studying freezing in YIH study room, I decided to walk into the society's area. Why? I don't know. For no reason at all. I just had such a compulsion. While walking there I saw Nathanael, so I stopped and said my "hello" and then proceeded to the society's area. I looked at the Nus Navigator's table and thought to myself that there isn't anything different about this table. Everything looks the same. Why am I here? What am I looking for? I thought it was just one more of my aimless walks. So, I pulled the chair out and sat there looking aimlessly at the bookshelf I've never really took note of. And then, I skimmed through the books that were there and 1 book particularly caught my attention. It was an old book. Its cover was yellow and the pages were yellow too - an indication of an aged book. Nothing spectacular about the cover (I have a thing for cover pages!). But, it's title were screaming "Pick me UP!". It was: Shadow of the Almighty.

Ever since Walk His Trail, I've been wanting to read Shadow of the Almighty and Through Gates of Splendour. But, I've never been able to get hold of those books. I picked up Shadow of the Almighty and took a good look at the cover page. Read the dedication, acknowledgement. Paused for a while, thinking "do I have time to read this? I've just started on one book and barely moving forward. Do I abandon that book and read this? But, I have other books to read - academic ones." I took out the notebook that records all the books borrowed and notice that many people have borrowed books for years and they have no return date recorded. So the kiasu side of me thought if I don't grab hold of this book, either someone will grab it or I will forget. So, I recorded the details of the book in the logbook. Left society's area.

The book is really challenging me in my ways. Amongst it, is my desire to go to India. A few things have kept the thought of going to India in the backburner of my mind. Don't ask me why. haha. I never knew Jim Elliot had a passion for India. Little did I realise, reading the words "India" makes my heart skip a beat. I don't know why. But, it's making me rethink of my desire to go to India. Maybe it shouldn't be in the backburner anymore. Maybe I should really seriously start reconsider, rethink, go through another process of seeking the Lord again.

Lord, guide me! :)

A few inspired things...

Blogging is such a funny domain. It's public and all we bloggers know that. So, we (knowingly or not) choose what to reveal in our blogs. So there's that sense of restriction. Yet at the same time, we blog to communicate our feelings, issues that bother us -almost like journaling in a diary, except that this is no secret! Don't bloggers find it an almost conflicting reasons to blog? It's really weird you know. Some people treat blogs like diaries. Some others make sure that their blogs do not reveal too much of themselves that they choose very carefully what to write about and how to write it. How much of the real person do we get from reading blogs?

Why all this critique of blogs suddenly? That's because I've just finished writing 2985 words on Malaysian female undergraduate blogs. It is the language and internet project that I was talking (or rather, complaining) about yesterday. Looking back at my previous post, i guess, I've finally reached 2985 words, and so my worry of not being able to reach 2.5k words was invalid. My word limit is 3k. I still have yet to write an Abstract. 3000-2985=15. I can't possible write 15 words for an Abstract. That can probably pass for a relatively short sentence. I have a very prolix writing style. One sentence for me can be as long as 55 words. I can break that down to 3 sentences. Why do I write in such an irritating way? I don't understand too. That is why there is a desperate need for editting! Everytime I write a sentence and i notice it is long, i must make sure I cut it down into 2-3 seperate sentences. Sigh.

This post is seemingly unmotivated.

I almost couldn't get up for church this morning. After switching off the alarm, I crawled back to my bed to get my 5 minutes delay. Of course, the 5 minutes became 20 minutes. Well, technically, I kept telling myself to get up but let's just say the flesh is weak. Whatever it is, I wasn't late for church today! So, yay! Church hall was quite full today coz the many missionaries around for the Emmaus Conference for the next 3 days! Saw Peter Ferry. The last time I saw Peter Ferry was many many years ago. He was Life Chapel's assembly camp speaker! And that camp marked my first appearance in the big congregation to share a testimony (or something like that). I almost wanted to get Peter Ferry to imitate the bird sounds that he could do!! You guys remember it don't you? But, I realised now that people ask me if i'm working already, which tells me that i don't look young enough to go up to an old man to ask him to do tricks with his hands for my amusement. So, I refrained myself of course. Hahah!!!

Sermon today was good. I really enjoyed worship in church today too. It never fail to amuse me how the church has a grand piano in the front of the hall but morning worship is done without any musical accompaniment. And so we rely on uncles in the church to remember tunes to hymns and then there'll be rare occasions like today where we'll start correctly and half way through the first verse, we'd realise that we got the tune wrong. so, try again. Most of the time, on our second try, we'd get it right. Today, we got it right only on our 5th or 6th attempt! It was quite funny. AND, we had guests with us. haha. I wonder if they see the piano and wonder as I do. But you know, when I first attended this church, I couldn't take it la. The least Life Chapel had was piano accompaniment. Most other brethren churches have a full band! It really took some adjusting to. It even came to a point where I couldn't enjoy worship and I started to think, if the worship in church is so dead, I have to start looking for other church edi. It is not too late since I still have my letter of commendation with me! Haha. Yeah, talk about the fear of commitment man! After 2.5 years, I still have the letter of commendation and have never given it out. Anyway, I came to realise that the issue was with me and not with music or not. Sure, music play a huge huge part in my life. But, I guess, worship was more than music and inasmuch as I still do not understand why there is such an arrangement in the church, I respect it and i'm now more or less used to it edi... And it's such a blessing you know. I'm not judging but I'm just saying what I see. I see a super friendly, caring and loving group of people in the church. Super sacrificial. And in the small group of people I know, I see very godly men and women - heart all to serve our mighty God, to live lives that gives glory to God - as He is deserving! I'm not saying they are all like angels ar! But, I'm just saying that I'm very encouraged by the hearts of some people - especially the church leaders. They really are something! Very humble men...really!

And all this talk about them reminds me of uncle Eric Kirton. I'm sad to hear the passing away of (as Jon acknowledges him as) the last true Brethren missionary. Uncle Eric Kirton has truly inspired many by the way he lived his life - giving all glory to God, in strict obedience towards God, giving God only the best, a broken and humble man. A man whom i'm very sure God was pleased with. The memorial service was held at Life Chapel. This is what, the third time I hear Life Chapel opening up her place for memorial services?! And I heard that Life Chapel was packed full today. My parents were standing at the carpark la! Basement also full. Imagine the amount of lives uncle Eric Kirton has impacted and encouraged. My prayer is that people continue on with the legacy that uncle Eric Kirton left us with. That we will truly seek to honour God with our whole being.

I guess, no better time to listen to Big Daddy Weave's "Audience of One" than now. Check this

Reckless abandonment?

Suddenly, people have been asking me “Are you joining us for the Philippines trip ar?” When have I said that I’m pulling back? To be honest, I have been a little scared – for the stupidest reasons. I’m afraid of the fact that there will be no proper toilet facilities. This is one fact you have to remember, I am very particular about this. If I can, I will keep my faeces in till I reach home. I definitely can’t hold it in for 3 weeks!!! And oh, I’m told I can only use a minimal amount of water for bathing. Now, that would be quite difficult. And yeah, this mission trip, we have to do stuffs like preaching…YIKES! I am a Brethren. All descendents of Eve keep total silence in church, whenever there are Adams around. So, preach? Add to it, preach to church leaders….WOAH. Sweep me off my feet man! Cannot la… I’m still struggling. I will so need to talk to some people about this. But anyway, yes, back to my a little reluctance to go to Philippines. And then, I say “God, dowan to go can?” And then, the other side of me reminds me that I have always been wanting to go for mission trips. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DREAM OF BEING A MISSIONARY??? Become missionary of course have to learn to dig own shit hole la! haha. But, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want to go to Philippines. I still very much want to be a missionary. Yeah, all the scary stuff do get to me but if I do be a missionary it’s not like the most “prestigious” occupation eh. And I know I’m not doing this out of my own selfish ambitions. Freely I have received, freely I give….that’s the only concept. I have received much from God. How to not give back? So, am I excited over going to Philippines? Yes, very much!!!

Half way through meeting today, my mind went back to a comment Joshua made a few months ago “You want to be missionary? Very hard to find husband wan you know!” He knows my soft spot. Yeah! Very hard to find husband. HOW? And then it’s like as if all those thoughts find it’s way into my mind – You sure you want to die alone? You sure you want to live your life alone? No one beside you? No CHILDREN? – wah, these thoughts suddenly seem so scary. I try to be strong and say “Yes, Can! It’s okay if I don’t have all these things, as long as I have God!” Who am I trying to kid? I mean, yeah, I’d give my life to God and yes that means if in HIS sovereign will He wants me to die alone, live my life alone, no husband, no children, I will gladly obey! But, if you ask me what does my heart wants, I’ll be honest, get married to a missionary, have children, and live our lives in abandonment for God.

Listening to Simon & Garfunkel now and it’s making me even more sad. But ah, love them! And I remember how we’d play them on Saturdays and sing to them while doing house chores! It’s always so good.

quite something...

Liren, your blog post is really something!

Today was just quite a bit of running around. I didn't get to sleep well last night because of my cough, which is the kind that comes ferociously (what a word to use!hah) at night and tickles your throat and once you start, you won't stop till about 10-15 mins later or when you pop a sweet into your mouth. I was so afraid i'd wake my roommate up with all the coughing! With the lack of sleep, I only got up at about 9:30am, which is so late!

I went to the EL comp lab at 12noon to start on my take home quiz. I need to run the text on this software which version i am familiar with is undownloadable to my pc. And because i'm unfamiliar with the version of the software I downloaded to my PC, i couldn't be productive with the take home quiz. So, i figure, i better just go to school and use the comp lab. The thing is that the comp lab is usually locked and i wasn't too sure if my matric card (i.e.: student card) would grant me access to the lab and since it was noon time, I don't know if the technician would have gone for lunch. So, I prayed hard that somehow or rather, i'd be able to get to the comp lab and use the comp to do the work i'm suppose to. THANK GOD because when i got there, the door wasn't completely closed and Liling, Rachel and Phey Ying were there, and pei en too!!!! so yay!!!

Started with work and woah, it's really not easy man....no wonder matt spent so much time on it la... I was able to do 2 out of the 5 parts we were suppose to do. Then I had to rush to meet Karen and then there was Bible Study. Afterwhich I met up with Theresa for dinner. Wednesdays are my free day but they are seldom free. Either I mug on or I fill up my day meeting people. Whatever it is, it's a weekday, it's not suppose to be free. My free day is Sunday! haha.

Have you ever felt so angry with someone for giving wrong information that means a great deal to someone else? And for coercing that person to do something that he/she doesn't want to do with the wrong information you gave him/her? It's so terrible and I almost burst out in anger today! So frustrating! But, it was important that I didn't burst out in anger coz it would have been terrible! So I just had to try to understand what was happening and give grace and remember to love. Kept telling myself that Christ said "those who have been forgiven much, love much" - drawing the principle that if i've experienced much love from God, I should love others as well, even if i dont think the other person deserves it because I definitely don't deserve God's love too. So who am I to judge?

When I look at Karen and Wei Ting, truly I am very pleased. Not because they are growing to be superb christians but because they have been allowing me to be more involved in their lives and together we grow. We share our burdens and struggles and we aspire to grow together. I'm not there to make super christians. I am there to be a discipler. To lead. To grow. To share. To teach. To learn. To cry. To laugh. To love. And we do all that together. I am no super christian. Jesus said "make disciples" not "make super christians"...and i'm really enjoying my journey with these girls - not so much coz i think they have potentials of being used by God tremendously but because I see how they are just clinging on to their Lord, and together with the ups and downs, we journey hand-in-hand, and how they are standing firm on the Rock, on the very strong foundation!

Thank You God for blessing me with these girls!
And thank you God for also blessing me with friends such as these:


(frm left: JieYao, JeeLee, Jeremy, Edgar)
And an A+ to JieYao for editting the pic! haha. You're an A+ friend! :)

Gary & others

Here’s your gary post!

Gary not only opened the door for me today in YIH study room he also said “Hello Jee Lee. I’ll see you tomorrow” with such a sweet smile!!! Aaaahhhhh… hahaha

And that’s the end of your gary post!

xxx

Now, onto more important things:

I was undecided as to whether I should attend nav rally today. I didn’t really want to go for it because I have work to be done and I wasn’t feeling too well. But, I was suppose to gather CCA points stuff and also the appreciation thing for huiyue. So, I went, albeit late. The songs spoke to me really! There were a few songs I weren’t familiar to but it really spoke what I was feeling!

I’m at a junction where I really need God and my heart feels like it’s going to blow! And I need God so much! And I know God is there! God is more faithful than anything else in the world!!! If all else fails, if everything else withers, God stands strong and His words!

And my heart just cry out, truly “woe am I for I am a woman with unclean lips” but God is faithful and just and will forgive us…and yes, there is much forgiveness needed. There’s so much for me be sorry about! Goodness.

And I echo one of Chris Tomlin’s song, which lines go:

“You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

You are amazing GOD!!”

Because people can’t even accept me for who they think I am on the outside, what more you who know the very depths of my heart – the dirtiest of all stains – and you still love me, you still send Christ to die for me, and for Jesus to take all the pain and suffering and mockery just to patch up my relationship with God. Oh God, forgive me for not seeing and treating you for who you really are!!!

Lord, thank You!!

Life is so full of pleasure isn’t it? And I’m brought back to the parable of the sower in Luke 8:4-15. And of course my mind went immediately to the seeds that fell on the thorns and it was chocked by the thorns. Jesus explained the parable and said that “the ones that fell among thorns are those who when they have heard, go out and are chocked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity.” Temptation has even begun even before I start work. For goodness sake, I’m still studying!

I guess the thought of graduation brings me to think about my dreams – what I want to build. And then I catch myself day-dreaming! And suddenly, where’s God in all this? What happened to ministry? What happened to discipleship? What happened to outreach? What happened to the desire of wanting to be a missionary? I catch myself off-guard.

Guard my heart O Lord….Jee Lee, don’t forget your commitments, your vows!!

On to other matters, I don’t want to graduate! I love studying – especially when you have such wonderful lecturers like Dr. Ooi. Only into my 3^rd week of school but Dr.Ooi has made class so enjoyable that I don’t ever want to graduate from his class. And it is now that most of my previous EL lecturers are like friends and I’m leaving. Gosh. It’s sad. It’s difficult to foster such friendships with lecturers in NUS, given the fact that lecturers seldom take time to build friendships with students and vice versa. If I do my 4^th year, I’d cry when I leave NUS.

The semester has already gone into it’s 3^rd week and I’m still stuck with no one to reach out to now. Well, not totally none just that it’s like I’ve lost all motivation to reach out to ppl whom I’m not very in touch with anyway. So, I’ve just been thinking about it and praying that God may just get me started and going and bring people to me. And HE has!

Last week, I bumped into my old contact whom I’ve not kept in touch with. It was cool! I started thinking more about my other contact too. I’ve started to meet another girl more regularly. And today, a girl from a class came up to me and she basically told me 2 things. (1) She’s a Christian (2) We have a mutual friend. It would have been a normal thing but it wasn’t because this mutual friend we have is a girl I’ve been trying to reach out to. And I found out (from talking to my friend) that this girl (who approached me) is a close friend of our mutual friend and she’s a preachy girl too! Yay!! I see this as an answered prayer. A close friend is now coming into the picture. Wow. That’s exciting news for me. I’ve not told Ade yet. But Ade, if you read this before we meet, it’s good news!!!

And well, life is so exciting!!!! God is so good. Thank HIM really!!! REALLY!!!!

And here's a song that I'm singing:

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

And I'll stand in awe of You, Jesus

Yes, I'll stand in awe of You
And I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You