Happy...

Short short one today!

Erm..... I'm quite happy today! No specific reason. Just happy! :)

Morning group QT was a blessed time.
Was being a blessing to my tutorial group mates too - well, no one ever said to be a blessing, u gotta be doing big big things rite? Even in small things, you can be a blessing!
Had lunch with Jie Yao, Gillian, Gloria, and then Wei Ting came along.
Studied with Gloria, Wei Ting and Ronglong.
Got home to prepare for Bible Study tmr. Manage to finish quite a lot. Thank God Edgar could make it in time for Exco meeting today. So, I didnt need to spend time looking through agenda and all that.
Had a pretty good exco meeting.
Getting very encouraging messages from people - some through sms, some verbally, some through msn. Thanking God for all these encouragements.
Had a good evaluation-like talk with Bev. Thanking God for all the things He has been doing in me...

I'm super happy! God has been so great. So merciful. So gracious....soooo gracious. I can't express it any better. It's indescribable!

God is good......way beyond good......Too good...
Thank YOu, Lord....

Values....

Watched : Memoirs of a Geisha
Directed : Rob Marshall
Cast : Zhang Ziyi, Datuk Michelle Yeoh, Gong Li, Ken Watanabe



Some people claim to have values and principles that bring them through life. Some don't.
Where do we claim these values as ours and what shapes our lives?

*Think think think*

I watched Memoirs of A Geisha today with Radika. There was where the whole issue of values came to mind. I'll talk a little bit about the movie, so, if you have not watched the movie yet and do not want me to spoil the movie for you, don't read ahead. But, I'll try my least to not spoil it for you yet be able to express how I feel.

I guess, the world of a geisha is not a good world in itself right? If there can be a seperate world that is.

The emphasis on beauty, on being flamboyant, on being self-dependent....The de-emphasis on the worth of our body. I was rather disturbed by it all. Talk about values eh?

The whole idea about being someone to attract the person whom you love and the extend one would go to achieve that. The idea of selling yourself to the person whom you love (your body that is). The whole idea of being self-dependent, that if you depend on others, you'll not get what you want. In the last scene, you'd see that when you are so determine to get what you want and in doing that, you do not bother about how the other party feels. In the end, you owe that person a super big apology but no amount of sorries can help because she's gone through so much pain and hurt - all because you were selfish! Yes, she gets what she wants but I question how much she'd really enjoy the love he can give her because of the hurt he's brought upon her.

Then, there's also issues about forgiveness and about holding grudges... I was reading a chapter in Waking the Dead, and it says it's a choice to be angry, a choice to forgive...I agree. I know sometimes (or rather, most of the time) we don't see it as our choice. But, it is! Example, I was rather angry, disappointed and sad over the incident that happened a few days ago (concerning miffy). The idea of getting angry with Julia came as an option to me. But, I reasoned and said, "No, I shall not be angry with Julia" (because of various reasons). So, I made a choice! Then, there's this bigger temptation to get all angry with all the guys in the van (who went ahead to see miffy off). This was more difficult to fight, but in the end, I said "No, I shall not be angry with them" It's all a choice! I struggled with it for a while but in the end, I said "No more being angry with them" and I took a different turn. I started to look at why did God allow this to happen. It had very different outcomes. I started to see what God wanted to teach me through this experience. I started to see if there's anything in me that God wanted to correct. I started to see the lessons. It's a choice!

The same way you make a choice whether to follow God or not. In making the first choice to follow God, subsequently there will be other choices to make. It sometimes boils down to whether we are conscious about the choices we make and whether we make those choices deliberately or not.

Another thing about the movie that struck me was the portray of beauty and the worthlessness of the body. It's so easy to want to be beautiful. I've always been against wanting to be beautiful. That's why sometimes people can make remarks about me not bothering about wanting to be beautiful. Atrocious right? I think I've learnt recently about the okay-ness of wanting to be beautiful. It's who God made us to be. But most of the time we want to be beautiful for specific reasons and these reasons are important in determining the okay-ness of wanting to be beautiful. The Geisha wanted to be beautiful to be part of his world. So, what if we are born ugly? Would we never be accepted in anyone's life? Quite pathetic eh!

In wanting to be part of his world, the geisha gave up the value of her own body. How sad!! To give up your body, whether as an art or not, is not OKAY! It is not good. It is not how we should treat our bodies! And I'm so scared when teenagers watch this movie and then they get all this bad values in their head (worse still, in their hearts). We all know how society is getting more and more liberated - even in our morality! and this would definitely be a source of encouragement for ladies out there to be more liberal about their bodies and for men to be more liberal about sex (even purity of marriages). Oh no.....

Maybe I'm looking too much into the movie. *sigh*

God, may you protect our hearts.....

Please and thank you!

I know many people don't ever take me seriously at times, it's alrite. But when you know I'm angry or sad, please take me for my word.

A : Eh, why so gloomy today wan? Still not over the whole thing?
Me : Where got? Can we not talk about this?
A : Aiyah....blah blah blah
Me : * hand gesture to stop saying anything*

First of all, I wasn't gloomy! I admit, I wasn't the happiest person in the room. Come on, I cried before the meeting lor. What do you expect? But, I was trying very hard not to be sad. I was trying very hard not to show it. I mean, come on, I've cried over it already. She's gone. There's nothing we can do about it. So, shall we not talk about it anymore??!!!

Secondly, the fact that you know I was gloomy and not over the whole thing means that you know I'm either still sad or pissed or disappointed. So, when I say Can we not talk about this? , I mean it! So, don't!!!

I am tired from not doing anything.

Yet, at the same time, I'm pretty pleased. I got to rest. Had a fun time just laughing and joking about nonsensical stuff with Danielle and Petra. They are very laugh-y people too. haha... :)

I spoke to Xun Yu today and she said things to me that were very very encouraging!! Thank u! :)

And I'm feeling better now.

I donno why. But talking to pak cik helped. hahaha.....and of course Liren!! :) Thanks bro! I'm sorry you had to listen to me babble on and on and cry.

Boohoo.....

My mood swing today was super horrible. Let me describe it to you. I'm not in the mood to write actually but I need to vent out my frustration and sadness somewhere.

I got back my results for the demoralising test I had last semester. Well, the result was...demoralising!!!

Then, had lunch in YIH! Well, speaking to YuHan and his friend brought my spirits up again. I guess, when I talk about God, I just get super excited. hehe....And I was super encouraged by God.

I spoke to Cuong and had some time of sharing. It's been a long time since we last shared! :)

Walked home and rested.

Fought a temptation and was glad to have succeeded. Thank GOD!!!!

Got to uni. One of my bible study girl was not too sure whether to come for rally or not. We prayed and God said "stay". Super happy again.

So, I thought: well, looks like nothing bad has happened throughout the whole day except for the super demoralising exam results. So, I was rather optimistic about things. Well, at least until now.

I'm super pissed. I am super disappointed. I am super sad.

First of all, when arranging the things back into the storeroom, edgar made a comment about my horrible english even though I'm an english major. Well brother, wrong comment to make on a wrong day. I felt super stupid today after I got my results for the test back! Take my word for it, I felt super duper super duper stupid!! So, edgar's comment just almost confirmed it for me. Yes, I am stupid! Aih.....

Then.......

I told you miffy is leaving today right? I made all necessary arrangements so that our Bible Study group can go and send her off. Guess what? I didn't!!!
I will blog this since I know she's not gonna be reading this.
I cried when I spoke to her on the phone. I know it's like this super small thing. Come on, Miffy will only be gone for 6 months! But, u know, I'm closest to Miffy in our bible study group. I've known the other girls longer than I've known her. funny eh? But, I really love her. I really care for her. I really feel close to her.

Yes, I am close to Liren too but it's different. He's a guy! It's different!

Miffy and Liren are the only ones who show that they care about me. The rest don't care. Well, even if they did, they didn't think I needed to see it. So, they just keep it all to themself. Hah! Oh wait, I know who else cares, NOEL....The thing is that I don't interact so much with him, but whenever I do, I know he cares!

Now, Bernard is home. I'm struck again with sadness.....I'm gonna cry!!

Forgotten??

Best friend's birthday today!! It's too bad I don't have his UK phone number with me now. :(

I just watched Smallville. It made me miss my best friend even more. Yeah, he has a super sweet smile! At times like this, I don't know to wonder in awe or to thank God for my non-romantic-feeling towards him. :)

I've on my table, super lots of post-its! There's so much to do and so many people to pray for. Haha...Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just wish at times that I'm a little less messy. Yikes! My table is super messy lor! Sianz....

Peter Pan's songs brings back memories of what I went through last semester. Yucks!!! DELete!!

.........................

I'm happy to receive a mail from my sis! Glad to hear how God has opened her eyes to see certain things! :)

Thank You Lord for answering prayers!!

........................

Miffy will be leaving tomorrow. :(
Somehow, I feel the way I felt when I sent Bryan or Kin Aik off. I remember driving to Kin Aik's house at 5plus in the morning just to fetch him. Sent him to the airport. He was leaving for a month's holiday in UK. a holiday!! Of course, I was waaay much more sadder when I sent him off when he left for studies. I miss him now.
I remember sending Bryan off. I speeded then. I had passengers with me but my mind was occupied. I couldn't imagine sending him off. Said our good-byes. On the way back, my passengers were super quiet - not knowing what to say to me! Almost knock the divider when my vision got a little blurred with tears. Aih!
I don't want to be sad again. But, I know I'll miss her anyway - whether or not I send her off...

Goodbye Miffy!

........................

You know it's funny how you love someone and that person don't love you back and then you sit and think about how you tepuk sebelah tangan. Not just in bgr matters, but even in being friends.

......................

I was really hurt when you said you're tired of trying to love me....

But, I shall learn to forgive and forget!

Fragile - handle with care

I laughed.

I cried.

Thank you for calling me and apologising. I think I was hurt enough to cry when I was with you.

The next question is this : How do you forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness?
I'm trying....but time and time again, when you hurt me again and again, I can't help but find it difficult to forgive. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying I'm not trying or tired of trying. I am ok with it. I just wished that you made it easier for me. That you will not continously be against me. That you will not continually break my very fragile heart. But, even if it doesnt get easier for me, I will still try to forgive. :)

You know, it's easy to be extra careful to not hurt the person that you love. But, you let your guards down when it comes to people whom you don't love. So, you don't mind hurting those whom you don't love? Because you don't seem to be careful about hurting me. You know, I even think you hate me so much that you don't even bother whether I am hurt or not. My feelings just don't matter, right?

Yeah, please handle with care. Very fragile.

Too late for Milo....

I am sleepy.

I am tired.

There's an aura of hope lingering. I thank God for that. :)

I'm pleased.

I didn't have milo today. But, it's alrite. :) There's always tomorrow.

I'm suprised.
Usually, I'll go, oh no, I missed the milo truck. Could it be a sign from God? But, I'm not doing so now. I'm fine with it. If it is God's will, it will happen! Why should I worry??

Reading too much into things is definitely not healthy!

So, I stop!

And I take a sip of milo.....

Emotions...

Lots of things been in my heart and mind. It's really not good trying to analyze how you feel with your brain. It does nothing good. Because you go on and on about how you think you feel when the real person who knows the condition of your heart is God.

In as much as I posted last night that I felt horrible, I had a good chat with Daniel. In a way, a good end to the day. We were talking nonsense (as usual) but we were also talking about missions and where would we wanna go. We were even talking about going for missions together, which reminded me that I've not asked WengYan whether she wants to go for mission together anot.

I had a pretty good day.

I started with group QT in the morning with some other navigators. I felt there were lots of sin that I need to repent of. There were lots of things that I've done that doesn't please God. I'm not only talking of sin that is axiomatic. But, basically not pleasing God with what I've been doing or done. When that feeling dawns upon you, you can't feel good about anything. I almost cried today when praying. But, God's abundant grace and love overpowered that sense of guilt. Not that I don't feel guilty, but I focussed on God's grace and love for me. Even, today when the sharing time started during Bible Study time, I got a little emotional. Thank God I didn't cry. That would have been a horrible sight! But, as my friends shared, I got to think about the things that have been troubling me, the things that Joshua reminded me about....the pain and hurt; the need to forgive and be forgiven; the need to be obedient (even though it might not be easy). As I prayed for a fellow brother, I got even more emotional. I felt that even through my disappointments and hurt, the pain and all that, I love my sister, I love her sooo much. She always thinks that I love my brother more than I love her. If I don't love her, I wouldn't be bothered about her, I wouldn't be praying for her, I wouldn't be doing all these things for her. There are things about my brother that my sister can learn from and vice versa. But, I definitely won't say that I love him more than I love her. Aih....I hope she knows how much I feel for her.

Great insights from Bernard and Julia though. I'm glad I was open and honest enough to share the pain that I'm going through. It's been such a long time since I opened myself to these people whom I call my support group.

Well, one of my friend whom I find support in is leaving this friday. I will miss you, my dear friend. Though we've not been friends for very long, but your constant show of care makes me feel loved and that you genuinely care for me. And I think these are the people whom I treasure a lot - those who show their genuine care and love for me. I love her.

It's nice bumping into people whom I've taken modules with and meeting them and they show their excitement to see me too. Woah! That's just awesome! :)

Today the milo truck was in the forum. For those who didn't know this already, I loooove the milo truck. Or rather, the milo from the milo truck! I was with viggy. We both shouted "Milo truck!!!" and we dashed towards it, bringing Lena along with me. hahaha....oh man, the satisfaction from it was awesome!!! As I was drinking Milo, the person that struck my mind was him. So, I messaged him to tell him about the truck. So many things reminds me of him. In as much as I don't want to be thinking of him, but I can't help it. Well, I messaged many others too about the truck! Haha....The excitement from knowing there's a Milo truck in the Forum... aaaahhhhhh.....

I remember mentioning to Edgar once when he told me about Kel. He said "She comes to me when she's sad but goes to another person when she's happy" and I said "Do you see that there's something wrong in that?" And in my situation, happy or sad, I think of him. It's been some time already since I last felt this way about someone. And for him, it's been a year and a half already. I wonder what God has install for me....

I love God sooo much.....

Ps: I had a lecturer today that said lawyers are not taught to use punctuations adequately. Is this true Mr. Lai?

I need help....

I can't settle on what to blog.
Again, today was a good day but I just saw something that I made me a bit disturbed.

I honestly don't know why am I disturbed by it. It sucks.

Well, I know that it is an issue that is not really settled and I need to settle as much as I can with the Lord but I haven't had the time to do so yet. But, I thought that more or less, I know how I feel and what my position is on the whole issue but now, I'm struggling even to remain calm.

Arrrgggghhhh....

I love You Lord...May I be always willing to do YOUR will, even though it might be super difficult. Help me, Lord....

It has nothing to do with what you've done..

I can't blog tonite.

Sigh.....

:(

I hate this....

Like a friend once said, how can a day so nice and beautiful end up like this???

Women are like spaghetti, men are like waffles

Today was probably my first demoralising day of the entire semester. Well, technically, the semester had just begun on Monday. So, 5th day into the new semester and I am already demoralised! WOAH...

Child Language lecture was fun. My lecturer is so funny. Well, she looks really stern and scary and well, the way she designed the module and also the layout for the module seem to make her sound so freaky. I enjoyed every bit of the lecture until the test time. Yes, I had my first test of the semester today! First lecture already have a test. Well, it's a pre-requisite test. I don't know other module in NUS that has a pre-requisite test for the module. Well, it sucked! I didn't know how to do sooo many questions. And it's 10% of the entire 100 marks. And that's not little. I felt super duper demoralised! I almost cried after the paper. I don't normaly cry after an exam paper. The last time I felt so demoralised over an exam paper was my A levels - GP paper. Sad sad sad.

I tried not to be sad after that. But I couldn't help it. So, I thought who can I meet to cheer me up a little but I thought of instead of wasting time, I should go and zap my readings and so I did that. I spent two hours just in the photocopying room zapping my readings. Well, the good thing is that now i have all my readings except 2 (which I couldn't find) for the module. The bad thing was that I got more demoralised. I felt so sad to be doing this kind of mundane stuff alone. To top it all up, I was hungry and my legs was aching so badly.

I sms-ed Sarah to ask her whether she's free for lunch. She was already in Orchard. So, I left for home. Hungry and tired and demoralised. How great!
And as I walked home I wonder why it was such a hot day. I wished it rained. I wish it was cooler. Aih....

Still hungry when I reached home. Didn't eat because there was nothing much to eat and because I was trying to prepare for Bible Study for tonight's session as well. But I was feeling down and tired. So, I slept. Was suppose to wake up in time to prepare for BS but I slept until it was time to get up to go and see Pei Yun. I wanted to spend some time with her. She's got not much Christian contacts and I just want to spend some time with her. Plus, she makes me happy and smile all the time! :)

I was so happy to see her and meet up to talk! Half way through talking, my phone rang. And oh my goodness, it was him on the line. Aaaahhhh.......Nothing much was said or done but it was definitely something that lightened up my day. Actually, I asked myself earlier in the day who will be able to brightened up my day and I know the answer would be him. But, I didn't want to make it seem as if I was dependent on him. So, I didn't see him. But, somehow God intervened and he thought of me and called me. :)

Bible Study time was good! :)

I finally gave out the super belated Christmas cards to people....

The title of the post was something that Noel said. I wonder what on earth is that suppose to mean. Well, we got around teasing each other again - as we usually do. Haha...talk about loving each other eh! But, of course, nothing harsh la...

Nevertheless, I'm happy. Finally meeting up and talking....hehehe

Okay...I'm going off to bed now. And i'll start to plan what to do tomorrow. I hope it'll be good!

God is good no matter what!!!

Rain is good...

It rained the whole day today. It's a good good day! I feel happy!! (Miffy, if you're reading this, you'd know why. But, I'll tell you more soon)

I had a very fun and interesting lecture today. As I was telling Beverly the things that happened during the lecture, she couldn't stop laughing. I thought it was funny too. But, it could also be my story-telling skills. ;)

I'm happy!

I've a bit of thinking and organising my stuffs done today. So, it was good. Although I see lots of things that needs to be done, but it's cool...it's been an encouraging day today. I had mini lunch with Janice and Wei Ying! So nice!!!! Spoke to them about Street Evangelism because they asked me about it! :) Had some talks about christianity with Janice too...cool eh!

Anyway, I want to keep this as short as possible.

I'm very happy!

I want details for archive sake but I don't want them incase some unforseen things happens! So, better not....

Rejoice with me because God is good....and I'm happy...and it's been raining!!! :)

Distracted, I don't want to be...

It's Sarah's 21st birthday today! I didn't had time to have lunch with her. I had street evangelism during lunch time and then I met up with Miffy for proper lunch. It's good to spend time together before she leaves for Denmark. I got to talk about some issues with her, which was great!

I'm tired now. From the activities of the whole day. I didn't get to rest the whole day and I'm now having a headache. I want to rest soon. So, I'm just gonna keep this short.

I have loads of things in my mind. Within a short 24 hours, many things has happened.

My El3251 lecturer is fun! However, when he lectures, I feel like I'm reading an article. He speaks using such bombastic words. He seems like a very intelectual man to me. So, i guess, this module is not gonna be easy. I went into my lecture today and was pleasantly suprised to see the girl whom I prayed about last semester and felt that I should evangelise to her. I never had the chance to do so with her last semester but this semester we're taking 3 modules together!!! So, I'll try my best to put in more effort to talk to her and hopefully one day be able to evangelise to her. And it's funny how during our exco meeting today, Julia reminded us about the people whom we prayed for last semester. Woah. God is good.

Even through our street evangelism today, both me and huiyue were very much encouraged by God's provision. God is good... The joy of knowing that you've planted a seed somewhere in God's kingdom is awesome! I mean, I didn't even manage to tell people about the gospel today, but I felt Joy in my heart! I was even looking forward to street evangelism! What a change in me!! The joy of bringing someone to Christ is great!! But even the thought of planting a seed somewhere in God's kingdom is great too...

I'm distracted now by some thoughts. I don't know whether I should think about it anot. On one hand, my mind tells me I shouldn't. WHY? Because it's not important. On the other hand, something tells me that it could be something that God wants to do for me but if I shut my heart off that issue, that God might not be able/want to do His plan. We all know that a relationship takes two. So, I donno. I really don't want to think about it. Maybe I shall ask God about it.

Nonetheless, I thank God. He's never failed to prove himself faithful and loving. And I'm glad to be called His child! :)

Goodnight for now....

A long walk...

A long day. A long walk. My leg hurts. My body hurts. I need rest. I need sleep.

Had difficulty getting up this morning because I slept late last night but had to wake up early to go to Jon's grandma's wake. (no...not you Jon! Another Jon. A taller Jon. hehe...) But I wanted to be there. So, I dragged myself out of the bed. Was on time to meet William and Cuong. Thank God for that. I shall practise that more often. I have been early these few days when I agree to meet people at a specific time. So, that's great!

Well, during the wake, I felt nothing until I saw Jon's dad and mom crying. Good grief!! It hit me like a thunderstorm. And my memory brought me back to my grandma's own funeral. And I miss her so much! And they played the Ibu, Ibu song! And they played Auld lang syne!!! How can they??!!! Either they stop playing those songs or I'll leave! I'm missing home and i'm missing my late grandmother, and I cry everytime auld lang syne is played!! So, either I leave or they stop. Coz I didn't want to end up crying in someone else's wake! (esp when you don't know the dead) that didn't sound politically well.

Anyway, after the wake, I had lunch with Joshua. He's a kind man! Of course, he was interested in duck rice while I was eyeing the Siew Yoke!! Ok, it tasted horrible!! I mean, who puts thick taucu duck sauce onto siew yoke??? Siew Yoke must be crunchy!!! It must!! The stupid sauce made it all soggy! Ah, what a disappointment!

Went and met david. Got the tickets. I realised that he actually need not go with me to collect the bus tickets since he's not travelling together with me. But, well, he was kind enuff to go with me to collect my tickets and also pay for it! :) Of course I'll pay him back lar....I'm not those kinda girl who eats on guys money! After getting the tickets, we decided to go to Orchard. And we wondered why are the chinese new year decorations all not up yet? funny eh! Maybe Chinatown is!! I don't know. So, we walked and walked and walked. We were both looking for gifts for friends whose birthdays are very near!! But, we ended up walking home empty handed. Well, not really because David bought the umbrella at Giordano that sells cheaper on a rainy day! But I was walking home empty handed. Oh well, it's not always that you go out that you must come back with something. I'm no shopperholic. Plus, I'm super stingy. And super duper particular about toilet cleanliness! Woah....No matter how urgent I need the toilet, but if it's not at visitable condition, I'm NOT visiting the toilet! Well, that's one thing to note about me. So, not only do I NEED to bathe every morning and only talk after I've brushed my teeth and wash my hair everyday, the toilet must always be clean for me to use! These are my hygiene practices that are weirdo a little and that I can think of for now. hehe....

I saw this CD that I wanted to buy for Miffy but it's a bit out of my budget. I think she'll like it. :)

Sidetrack : everytime I spend time with Jon, I find something interesting about him. And the more I find him interesting. O well, he's scrawny and tall and hunches when he walks.....But, an interesting fine young man!

I realised I sidetracked a lot in this post. Maybe I'm really tired and need to rest. I have a 9am class tomorrow and I know nothing about that module. How come no handout wan?? And at 12pm, there'll be street evangelism. At 2pm, I'm meeting Miffy. I have left out Sarah. Oh no!

First day of 2nd year, 2nd sem...

It's only been the first day of school. Yet, many things have been happening. Tonight alone, i've been trying to organise so many things. It's crazy! I'm trying to get the Year Ones to go down support a fellow year one student whose grandma just passed away. My BS girls didn't reply, so I had to call them one by one. Then, I had to liase with Rongz oso. Then, Rongz had something for me to do as well. And then, I had to confirm with a few fellas about the whole going back trip. CNY is not a good time to travel!...I can't remember already. Of course there're e-mails that Lilian asks me to send out too. And minutes to proofread. And right now, i'm talking with coursemates about which project we want to do. We're crazy!

I bump into the man who catches my attention today. It's so good to see him. Well, if you know the things that catches my attention and you see him, you'd understand why it's so good to see him.

I'm happy for a lot of reasons today.

I got an email from my mommy. I thank God for her. A friend once said that I've got a cool father. I think I've got a cool mom too. She might not be the most hip person on the face of the earth or the most reasonable mother (whose mother is?) but, she's a special mother! I can't describe it to you fellow readers but take my word for it, she's cool!

Of course i bump into him. I shall give him a name once I think of it since revealing his real name might not be the best thing to do. Hehe....

I had a very good chat with the Bible Study girls....

I had a very good chat with Lilian too....

I had 2 very funny lectures today. :)

I had good time catching up with Zeniv and Edward and Yi Wei. I'm sad to see Yi Wei being further away from the Lord but glad she was honest about it. Will pray for her.....

Miffy set a lunch appointment with me. :)

I stood strong in obeying something that the Lord wanted me to do. Although temptation was so great. I'm thankful to God for helping me do the right thing.

A few other things happened.....

But, at the end of the day, I'm glad that the God whom I worship is a God who loves me and whose plans for me are great. There are things that are not so happish happening but I want to see God's plan being fulfilled and then rejoice with HIM!!God is good...

I'll go to bed now. I'll blog more tmr. Give thanks always!!! No matter what the circumstances. God never showed love to us depending on how we behaved. THANK GOD for that!!! So, give thanks....

Thank YOU Lord....

Sweet Home...

When you miss home so much, it doesn't help when you know that the people who know you waay much better than anyone else are all at home and they are not near you. And well, I tell myself "You can try to get people here to know you better" and I have not been very much myself for the last one year. And so, I can't blame them for not knowing the real me. But, it's never easy to open yourself up and allow yourself to go through the whole "getting to know me better" thingy. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that to a large extent, it is my fault that people here do not know me very well. And O well, I miss home.

I spoke to my mom yesterday. Well, she e-mailed me and told me that my father wasn't feeling well. I called home. My mother can tell what's going on and whether I am fine or not. Other people will have difficulty doing just that. I cried. I know my mother knows the extent of the pain i'm going through. I'm still hurting. But, i'll be fine coz I spoke to God about it today already.

I dreamt of home yesterday.

It's difficult to speak to the person who's hurting you and talk as if nothing has happened. I should nonetheless. Especially when you love that person so much and that person has hurt you so much....Forgiveness! That's the key to it...and being bold and courageous too rite?

Anyway, praying that my home-sickness will go off soon - hopefully when classes starts. Praying too that father will get well soon. Praying too that I'll be up and about with no pain whatsoever in my ankle VERY VERY soon....Lot's that I've been praying about. To mention it all here, will probably be too much! haha.....

There's a land that is fairer than day
And by faith we can see it afar
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there

In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore
In the sweet by and by
We shall meet on that beautiful shore

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blest
And our spirits shall sorrow no more
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest

To our bountiful Father above
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of his love
And the blessings that hallow our days...

I know nothing and it hurts...

I just came back from an exco meeting. I said things that I didn't knew would be coming out of my mouth. Woah. I just revealed the problem I had and the unbeautiful side of me. yucks.... A few of them never realised Jee Lee had such problems and never did they realise that Jee Lee was putting up a front all these while. It sucks tremendously to think that i've been such a disgusting person all these while. Or maybe not.

You know, I really thought I've gotten over the issue of being judged. I thought it was all over. I struggled with it very much many years ago but it resurfaced. Either I have completely forgotten about it or Satan just decided to bring that issue up again (since it is my soft spot anywayz). Either way, it is my fault for not being watchful.

Aih....

On the way back, while Edgar was talking about the PRC outreach stuff, I was thinking about the man who once caught my attention. I like him. He's a nice guy. I don't like him as in BGR ways (at least I don't think so) but he's a nice guy. :) And honestly, I miss him. (awww)

I am over and done with this whole bgr matter (or at least the struggles I had last semester). I don't exactly know why I am no longer interested but I know I am not anymore. Honestly, there's much work for God to do in me about being a woman, about how I see myself....(and I struggle a lot with these issues). I mean, if you ask me whether I am ready for a relationship, I'm probably not as ready as I would like to be. Yes, I am not expecting to be a perfect person before I step into a commitment of a relationship but the least I think should be done is about how I view myself and bout being a woman. It's not just all about gentleness and knowing how to manage the house. If I cannot be a stable person, I cannot expect a stable relationship. And I don't think I'll enjoy a relationship that is tossed around by the wave. I'm still growing....and maybe now is not the time for a relationship. I didn't utter any prayer that goes "God, will I have a bf this year?" So, I don't know whether it will be this year or the next or the next or the next and this can go on and on and on....

I've got an e-mail from YueenSan and I am troubled by what she said. She said I'm too hard on my sister. I'm super duper troubled by it. I am super troubled. Because I love her and I don't want her to drift away from me. But she's changed. I guess, when they grow older and they wanna have their own life, you're nobody to them anymore right? It sucks but my sister does seem to want me out of her life. The few days that I was back, i realised it. As I talk to her, I cry sometimes. Well, she wouldn't know because I won't be crying in front of her. But my heart aches to see her wanting me OUT but my heart aches equally as much when I see her behaviour, growth, character that so resembles her walk with God.... :(

So much for a great time at home...so much for a good holiday eh?

She or probably no one else knew how demoralised I was.....

Know why I almost cried in the first scene of Chronicles of Narnia? Because I will never ever give any of my family member up for anything else in the world!! And to think my sister is distant and to top it up, a friend is suggesting that it is my own doing, that's like a big big slap on the face!!! A BIG ONE.....

Run....

It's funny how you run away from facing the things you're suppose to and the extent you'd run to avoid it.

I gave up quality time with a best friend just to avoid talking about something.
I gave up meeting up with bryan just to avoid reminiscing about the past. And i'll prolly oni meet him next year. That will be 2 years of not meeting up!
I gave up spending quality time with my parents because I didn't want to talk about the heartaches.
I gave up meeting up with a friend because I thought he was busy and his girlfriend might not like it.

Aih....

I gave up too much for nothing.

I will not do that again. Cause it sucks to know that I've given up so much for nothing!

If I can run but I can't hide, then why bother running away? (of course, if it's sin, then it's a different thing lar).

So much for running.....
(can't wait for my ankle to heal, then I can run....)

2006....

Year 2005 has gone and year 2006 is here.

Many things has past and gone. I can't exactly remember how 2005 started. It just seem way too long ago. I can't remember.

But, as far as I could remember, I think it was pretty good. The man who caught my attention then left for oversea study. But I remember telling myself that it's good cause now I can get my mind off him. hehe....and the rest of the semester went on pretty well. Of course there were little hiccups and heartaches here and there. Well, it happens. Then, there was the 3 months holidays, during which I got to know a much appreciated friend better, even though we've not known each other for very long. It was pretty much of a heartache as well, sending Shelby, Li Yee and Christopher to USM. Time flies. One minute you see them in sunday school and Bible School ( as it was known then) and Youth Fellowship and the next minute you see them entering university. Nevertheless, there were heartwarming times as well, with family and friends whom I love so much and whom I miss so much while I'm here in Singapore. Then, semester 2 starts. Start of being in the exco of the Nus Navigators. Didn't realise how tough things would be.

I can reflect more on how the semester have been since it's pretty fresh in my mind. Let this be a long post - i don't care. It's for memory sake (and archive).

The semester started with a bit of stress from a fellow exco member who weren't very happy with me. bleah. Then, the man who caught my attention returned (and caught my attention again!). Then, I realised how difficult it would be to work with my president. I didn't know why it was tough then but I do now. An entire semester of being timid. And this is not me. Being quiet and being timid is a different thing of course. I know that. Of course to a certain extent, my reservation was also because I didn't want to be too quick to speak but I too realised an unhealthy reason behind all the reservation - which was cowardice. I admit it here. I chickened out many many times in doing things that I knew I should do and would just enjoy in being quiet and nobody knowing what is happening in my life. I was quite comfortable being left alone (To a certain extent). And I was speeding all the way throughout the semester. I almost made no time for myself. Almost no recreation. There were time of rest but not much recreation. I was on fifth gear most of the time. Which explains my tiredness by the end of the semester. My stress level was high most of the time. And oh well, I get stress when people stress me and more so when I stress myself. I'm good at it! Anyway, half way through the semester, was saying adios to Mun Onn. I remember he was uncle Mun Onn to me. hehe....

ok, I lost my train of thought cause my buddy Liren just called! The last time he called and chat was ONE whole semester ago!!!

Anyway,yeap, the past semester has been trying and challenging in many aspects. Nonetheless, God is good because He is the great I AM!! It's impossible to list down everything that He has done. Even through the good or bad that has happened, He has shown Himself to be good!

A few highlights :
Through Edgar, I got my first experience of being intimidated by a man, I had my share of trying and challenging times with my relationship with him. Through it all though, I appreciate him a lot! He has taught me lessons many people couldn't have done better. Through him, God worked! Through him, God blessed! Through him, God taught! Through him, God rebuked! Through him, God cared! Through him, God was a friend! Through him, God loved! I donno whether he'll read this or not but A big Thank You to you, dear friend!

Through Jon, I've got to experience again what is it like to know/meet someone whom I've not known for very long but who are somewhat similar to myself. Precious friendship! As it is Jon's motto, to be honest (even if it hurts)....yeah....

Through Beverly, I've learnt quite a number of things about myself. Some disgusting things, some encouraging things. Yeap!

Through Sarah, I've learnt I can be a friend and the challenges that come with it. Being a christian friend.

Through many people this year/semester, I've learnt many many things about myself, about God, about people...

Through Shelby and Liren, I realised that I'm a person who makes the funniest random statements ever and coining funny words too.

Anyway, there'll be too much to thank or reflect on. There have been many friends around and each and everyone has touched my life at every moment of my life and I appreciate you all. Even if your name is not mentioned here, please know that I love you dearly and I thank God for you.

Right now, I'm missing Joshua terribly. No one to fetch me around and no one to come visit me.

I miss my family of course!

Though I've said that the previous semester has been good. Nonetheless, I'm still weak in me flesh! I have sinned and I have failed God many times. Not proud of those but it's still what i've done. Yeap....

I was listening to James Blunt's song. I quite like his song. until I heard the F word. I can't stand musicians who HAVE to use the F word in their songs. Lose all respect for them lar! ish.... You're beautiful is nice! except for the F word part lar. Nevertheless, the way James Blunt puts his words and music, i donno, sparks an interest in me. Bleah. I donno.....hehehe. His tears and rain is nice.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

It's funny how i'm blogging with songs of these lyrics now. Cause i'm not really feeling like them now. But, it's just nice(?).

Anyway, new semester starting really soon. And, erm... gotta settle down some thoughts. Start of a new year!