Sunday.....

Travelling light means I don't have all the clothes that i love with me. It's alrite.
Coz, i thought i'll just wear a baju-kurung to church on sunday. As usual, i'm lazy to go and stand in front of my wardrobe and think of what i'm gonna wear. So, i've already decided on the baju-kurung.

but, when sunday came, i changed my mind. I stood in front of my wardrobe and thought of what i will wear! I hate it when i do that. Coz, i'll NOT be able to decide. but, since my wardrobe has quite limited clothes. My eyes spotted a blue something. So, i pulled it out....Ah, a skirt! I stopped and wonder :Do i want to wear a skirt today? IT's been a long time since i last wore a skirt. haha, i never ever wore a skirt in Singapore. I wonder why too. So, i thought, ok la...wear that skirt lar! But, do i have a shirt to match it with? So....i looked around and saw a very stunning blue t-shirt. THe problem about that is that it is not mine. It's my brothers....But, nvm la. I grabbed it anyway. So, yeap...i was all blue!!! A very royal blue t-shirt with a blue skirt.

Grabbed my mom's veil and my sister's pouch (I told u i travelled light rite?) and den, realised i dont think i wanna wear my pair of heels to church today coz i know the church fellas would want to go out. So, okay....now, wear what footwear? haha....i decided to put on a pair of new socks that my mommy bought for me and my sport shoes...haha.....

Yes, i look funny coz where got ppl wear skirt and sports shoes wan?? NVM...i like to dress funnily! I think it's cool....Most girls dress up to look good and they get NICE attention. People look at them and say 'wah, tht girl quite pretty'....If i do dress up, i also want to grab attention. But i grab funny and weird attention. I dress so weird that people look at me and say "wah, that girl dress like a clown'...hahah.....BUT, I don't care!! I like it....it's nice to look funny wert...i mean, as long as i'm comfortable can edi rite?? And, i wanted to wear a skirt but i know i won't be comfortable in a pair of heels....So, too bad lar! Bleah.... :P And, as usual, my very-fashionable-friend, JOSHUA, complained about how i dressed. aih! Shh!!!! Hahaha...

Anyway, sunday was a baby day for me! Going back to church with all the mothers giving birth and bringing them to church was darn fun! Life Chapel's record of (i think) our first TRIPPLETS...WOOHOO....they were so cute...superbly cute!! SuPERB.....I so wanted to carry one but since they already attracting sooo much attention, maybe another time. So, we went out. Wanted to catch a movie. But, since got nothing really nice we thought "ok la..just go window shopping can edi" Half way walking me and wengyan came up with a more superb idea : We shall visit SIew Ling and her new baby!!! YAY...so, we had lunch and called her. So, we visited her and she told us about her 10 hour labour pain! Joshua of course,being the only guy, asked all of us "See la, next time want to have baby summore anot?!" Of course he kena bombard from the rest of us la.... If i wasn't sick, i would have carried baby ervin!!! I would have!!!! But, i was sick!! aih...

Went to church and helped out for the serving of food....aiyoh.....sweating like crazy!! It was the sunday school prize giving day!! :)

And guess who i saw? Alina CHin.....I went : HIEE......u brought ur baby anot? She said, yes...WOOhooo......Had my dinner and den she carried her baby over...and i carried baby Charis!! SHe is soooo cute!! sooo cute. Ahhh...so nice!!! :)

It was quite a meaningful day. I had some time alone with wengyan. Just talking and telling her what has been happening and she likewise. hehe...but since she's been updating me more than i have, so, i updated her more la...hehehe....that was good time!!! :)
Babies make me happy too.....

THink happy thoughts..... :)

Journey back home

Being sick isn't very fun. It's been quite some time since I last fell ill. It has been God's special protection over illness. It's been good. Till i woke up on friday feeling horrible. I slept at 5am because i was studying for a test. It was probably not the best decision that i've made coz it's only a 10% test but our lecturer says the test covers everything from the beginning of the semester. Aih...anyway, I woke up feeling a bit sick - my throat felt funny. Went for lecture and for the test. Knew that i was sick when i was sneezing all the way in the lecture hall even though i had my sweater with me! Arrrgghh.... That wasn't very nice. After the test, i met with Regina for lunch. She expressed her worry when she saw me. And especially so when she knew i was going to JB alone to get my bus tix. But, no worries - superwoman me will be able to do it! (with God's tremendous help of course!!)

I tell u the amazing story of my ADVENTURE of going back.

So, i left home about 430pm coz i was resting back home before that. I had a serious doubt about going back coz i was feeling really really horrible!! I was not only dizzy, i had a bad headache, i was coughing, i was sneezing, my throat ached! Aih....But, NOPE! Once decided to go back, by hook or by crook, i will go home! So, i left about 430pm. Got to kranji mrt bout 510 or 520(?) Den, there was a MASSIVE traffic jam. I think the bus driver was a malaysian. He drove like a typical one. Cutting into the lane that was moving faster - during a traffic jam!!! Anyway, at about 615pm, i decided not to wait anymore. So, i got down frm the bus and walked! Yes, walked all the way to the Woodlands Checkpoint and from there walked ALL THE WAY to JB's Checkpoint! I was almost dying edi. With all the fumes from the vehicles, i thought i was gonna faint there and then! Thank God for sustaining me man!!! REALLY!!! Summore, i had with me a 2.8kg laptop!! As i was walking from Woodlands to JB, i felt like a refugee....Hahaha...well, MANY MANY Malaysians were doing that as well. For the first time, i didnt like the idea of being in Malaysia. I think the"fresh" air caused my lungs to be contaminated even more!!

So, cut the long story short, i reached Larkin at about 730. Aih.....THe 3 hour journey from Singapore to Johor! Aih..THat was very long!! So, finally got on a stupid bus!! Why i say stupid? CoZ....the bus was filled with men! I freaked out man!! Quickly say my prayers. I was darn scared la. Summore, i was ALONE. No male escort!! Haha....I've never demanded a male escort until now. Going to JB is scary ok!! I think living in Singapore has caused me to be very protected! The air-cond was killing me! And these guys were smokers!! Altho they didn't smoke in the bus, but u can tell wan. I was suffocating!!

The bus departed at about 810 or 815. Arrrggghh....Was suppose to leave at 745! Anyway, 20-30 minutes after it departed, we met with an accident!Luckily it was nothing serious. Our bus driver bang into another van. I was just so afraid that he bang a motorcyclist! luckily, no one was injured. So, continued my irritating journey! Altho i was dead tired (from the 2 weeks of sleeplessness), i still couldn't manage to sleep! So, that wasn't very good.

But the best part of the journey was when i looked out of my window and saw the black bleak sky with shinning stars that filled the sky!! Last week, when i walked Gloria out to buy something, i looked at the sky and it was reasonably starry. Well, it's very rare to see starry skies in Singapore - coz its so bright eh. And i told her about how i've alwiz enjoyed laying down on the ground and just looking at the sky filled of stars! MAGNIFICIENT!!! I donno why i looooove stars so much. Probably because when i look into the bleak sky and den see somthing shimmering, it reminds me of God's love for me - so vast that i can't gather them all together but yet so definite! So vast that i can't help but feel so loved even when things are dark and gloomy! The work of HIS hands!!!

Anyway, i reached KL about 120 or 130am. yeap...called my mommy to come and pick me up since it wasn't really safe to be in KL all alone and taxi fare would have cost a bomb! So, mommy and daddy came and pick me up with JeeAun sleeping in the car as well! How nice! Mom asked me whether i had dinner already a not. I said i did but i also mention about going to Jalan Pasar for KL's best siew yoke!!! Haha....parents laughed at me coz my mommy already guessed that i will ask for that! How nice is it to be back at home with people who know u best!! :)

Actually, i wasn't craving for it coz i had my cravings satisfied already - thanks to someone! :) But, i tot since we were already in KL, might as well lar rite...But, nope! My father said another time. I agreed. Still was feeling horrible. But my father brought us for supper near our home. Came home and slept coz mom and dad have to get up early to go for BSF Leader's training - their weekly saturday morning routine!

I on the other hand, slept like a pig. Not solely because i've been sleep deprived for about 2 weeks, I was also sick! So, i slept like a pig!!! Haha...woke up about 10 or 11am. hehehe...piggy rite? At least i think so lar...i remember sleeping at about 2 plus close to 3am. So, it's about 7-8 hours. Hmm, NORMALLY should sleep about 7-8 hours la..but because i've been sleeping on the average of 4 hours perday for 2 weeks liao, i've gotten used to it. Sianz! but, it was fun sleeping for so long again. hehehe....

Granny called me just to tell me to go see the doc. Obviously, i won't!! Hehe....She knew. So, she instructed my mom to bring me to the doc. Haha. My mom wanted to. I said NO. Hello?? it's the doctor! I won't la!! I am now eating ice-cream summore. Ok, rebellious me just doesn't want to listen. And, i'll be fine soon. Eating medicine and seeing the doctor sucks man!

I didn't know that my dad was worried for me when i told my parents i'll arrive about 1am. My dad said, "next time, travel earlier and take the train!" Imagine his horror when he heard that the bus i was in met with an accident! Anyway, it's pretty weird these days because my dad has never been worried for me (at least he never shows it). My parents never did. Wherever i went, far or near, it was never a custom to call back just to tell them i'm safe. Maybe it was a taken-for-granted thing. I asked them before. They said they knew i am able to care for myself. And i'm sure they trusted that God will take care of me too....But, why nowadays, my dad seem to worry for me? Whenever i go out late, he'll call and make sure i'm safe. I wonder why?! Of course my dad loves me....i'm not complaining!!! It's nice to know he shows his care! But, why these days? maybe because i've been away in Singapore most of the time? Hmm...i don't know either.

Anyway, getting ready to go for my brother's school concert. He's only 5 and he's playing the violin. Woohoo! When i was younger, my parents asked me whether i want to learn playing the violin. I said no, because i don't want to walk around with my head slanting one side. haha!

I saw my sister just now and she had her hair rebonded. Well, she spent about RM 200 on her hair! Haha.....guess what i did when i found out about it? Lecture her lar of course!! Hello?!! Spending RM200 on hair is a waste of money!! I mean, i am a girl too. I know what its like to want to do something to your hair. I know what its like to want to rebond ur hair. Most of us just hate the way our hair are rite? I thought of rebonding my stupid hair too...but to spend rm200 is craziness! I won't. I'm so stingy that to spend more than rm10 on my hair oso i complain! Now u know why i never ever cut my hair in Singapore?! I normally only spend rm5 on my hair lor!!! Unless i can get someone to cut my hair for S$2, i won't cut my hair in Singapore!!! hehehe...stingy eh? Nvm la...it's just my hair!! hahaha...so, pity my sister. See me oni kena lecture edi. Ok la..honestly, i wasn't THAT harsh on her. But of course, we all know that the lecture was inevitable! Haha....I came back to a new sister! She not only had her hair straighten, she also changed her specks....Ok la.....specks was a bit expensive - Rm270!!! but it was quite nice lar! Plus, i think specks are normally that price rite? I donno. Coz i've got perfect eye-sight!! hehehe...

k....leaving now. Ciaoz....

Make me smile....

I couldn't sleep again last nite. Jie Yao suggested to go for sleeping pills. I said NO NO. Of course i want to sleep la. U think very fun ar? Tossing and turning on the bed. Cannot take liren's suggestion to count the number of times the fan turns oso coz the room edi so dark, cannot see leh. From 2 sundays ago until today, the earliest i sleep is at 3am - with the exception of saturday nite when i slept at 1am. Coz next morning got church mar! Last week was ok coz even though i sleep late, i know i had things to do. This week i have nothing to do (ok, not very true) but i WANT to sleep! I go on the bed and look at the ceiling waiting for my brain to shut down. But, no...my brain goes on turning and turning...moving until about 6am and den decides to shut down. Den, i have 2 hours of sleep before i get up at 8am to continue on with my day. That's how it's been. And i'm so exhausted. It's already Wednesday. I have a paper tomorrow - EL 2101 : Structure of Sentences and Meaning. Test on Subjecthood and Objecthood plus, Abstract meaning in the Language System. I just realised that today as i was studying in the Arts canteen. Aih, rush to do lor.

I had to edit my SN2234 - Gender Studies in South Asia project as well. THis wan darn funny. IT was suppose to be due last week. So, on wednesday night i stayed up till about 5am to finish the paper. Woke up about 2-3 hours later to edit the paper. THursdays are packed like sardine for me! 10-6pm non-stop!! Classes, classes and classes.....So, anyway......before i leave the house, i found out that the lecturer actually sent out an e-mail the day before extending the deadline. ARRGGHH....This lecturer has never been very particular about word limit. But i don't know why this time he is. So, i had to edit alot. Word limit was 3000. I wrote 4000+. hehehe....So, i tried editting like crazy just now. of course i couldn't throw away 1000 word from my essay lar...so, anyway, i think i had about 3500 words plus. Aih....nevermind lar! FOrget it! No way can edit anymore lar...i edi threw away ONE whole paragraph ok...that is a lot of info gone edi...

So, after finish editting....i was studying for my Elang paper tmr.
Spoke to Liren and found out that James has a very high fever and in fact, suspected dengue summore. Scary but Pei Yun tells me nothing to be worried about. So, okay!

Went out for a walk just now. Can't stand staying at home and putting on this really fake smile. So, decided to take a walk.

Will be going down to get my bus ticket tomorrow - alone.
(haha, u're free to go along with me. Gimme a call! haha)

Had lunch with miffy today. Nice time chatting!! :) I find miffy a very interesting person - so unlike me.

Well well well, my low self-esteem strikes again. (no, not when i was having lunch with Miffy). Bleah.....

okay la...i'm going to print my notes and then go to sleep....Praying every nite that i can sleep!

:)

Random

Today has been filled with random thoughts and things that i was doing.

I woke up this morning late. So, when i got up, no one was home. (But, only 4 of us were home last nite - me, Pei Yun, Li Fang, and Gloria) Today is my free day. So, should i pack all my readings and spend the whole day in school? I wasn't sure. *think think* Den, i decided not to. Coz, i'll prolly need to bring my laptop along as well coz i've not updated myself on the things that needs to be done. And, being lazy me, i decided to walk to school without carrying ANYTHING. Yeap, ever walked to school like tat? It was funny. I think many people were wondering where did this woman come from? haha....ANyway, I was suppose to meet my dearie Sarah for breakfast or brunch. It's like our weekly appointment. We meet every Monday at 10am at arts canteen.

Ok, a bit on Sarah. I met her when i was in my first semester here in NUS. She was in the same tutorial as i was in for Malay Studies. Small and petite. My history has it that petite girls dont really become my close friends. WHY? because i am so much bigger than them and i feel like a complete GIANT when i stand beside them. And there are other things about sarah that i know i won't consider a close friend - she's grumpy and choosy! Haha...Not that i don't have such grumpy and choosy friends but with all the combination in her, i just tot this won't last long. But, because we were in Malay Studies together, we got rather close. We both HATED our lecturer - in NUS, he's the first i've seen who lectures without ANY powerpoint slides OR transparencies. He just stands down there and talk and talk and talk. And it gets really boring coz he's just so darn monotonous PLUS he reads from the readings he asks us to get. WOAH...sometimes really kenot tahan him man! Anyway, because it was malay studies, i had more background knowledge than Sarah did - yeap all those Malaysian education, how can i not know rite? So, there it started - our friendship. We enjoyed each other's crappiness...We studied together during the exam period of the first semester. Then, comes 2nd semester and we decide to take a module together - decided to take Sociology together. This semester, and for many more semesters, i know we won't be taking any more modules together since we're moving on into our own major fields. She's a geography major - Yikes rite? Can believe anot? A person who use to get Cs for geog (me) now has a close friend who majors in it. FUnny how God puts ppl together eh. Anyway, as we are not taking any module together, and if i want to keep the friendship going, i really gotta make the initiative to do something! Furthermore, I thought of helping her along as she journeys on with the Lord. Somehow the Lord put a burden on me to continue this friendship NOT JUST on having an extra friend, but to help her along also - which i thought was quite cool yet funny. So anyway, yeap yeap yeap. Now, towards the end of the semester, i know why the Lord gave me such a burden. Haha....Things happens and well, we're both growing together. And, boy...i am DARN glad to see how she's growing and how our friendship is now based on the Lord!

Ok....short synopsis on how i met sarah. Hehe....She's a dear lar!!! She really is! :)

Walk back home and i met Regina. Regina is also another name that the Lord put on my heart when i prayed for friends to reach out to beginning of the semester. ok, honestly, i haven't given my best to Regina. I have not been meeting her weekly. Sometime this semester, she told me she wants to convert to catholism. ARRHHH???? In whatever time i could, i asked her what happened...blah blah blah....Today, meeting her, she said she's now attending a methodist church. I thank God for His grace towards Regina and even to me. I've been feeling rather guilty about not spending enuff time with her. Made appointment to see her this friday!

Took a quick walk home - prayed for both of them and myself. :)

Spent the day in attempt to study. Failed miserably!! All i did was sort out the notes for EL 2102 - Structure of Sounds and Words. Did some of the readings and that was it! I havent even printed out the other notes and stuff yet. Yikes! Den, i did nothing else.

THen came dinner time. I was suppose to be at arts canteen for dinner but i didn't make it coz i didnt had the time to finish studying. In fact, even when the BS group came, i still havent finish the few sheets of paper. So, yeah lor.....If i were alone, i'd cook Maggi Mee. But since Li Fang was home and she oso havent makan yet. So, i asked her wanna eat anot and she said she want to but donno what to eat. So, i told her to go and do her work while i figure out what we'll have for dinner. Ok, this house has got NOTHING to eat liao. Man, i'm starving! Haha.....WHAT am i gonna eat? Like i said, if i was alone, i'd have eaten maggi mee or boil some rice and eat with Marmite. But, got Li Fang...So, i decided to boil spaghetti and i looked into the cupboard and saw a packet of Campbell soup. I've heard of how disgusting the packet Campbell soup can be. So, as i was cooking, i was apologising to Li Fang how terrible the food will taste (even tho she wasnt there to hear). Anyway, i added some stuff into the soup. Make sure got more taste in the soup and in the Spaghetti. Turn out really well! I am so proud of myself! hahah...even Li Fang said it was nice ok! hehe....I've alwiz telling myself "if only i could cook as well as my mom" It doesnt help when ur mom cooks for the church and all the other aunties and friends expects u to be able to cook as well. Haihz....today, finally, i felt that i could cook like my mom. Just simply taking all sorts of junk in the kitchen and putting them together and eventually it tastes good. Wah! THe satisfaction from that alone made me really happy! :)

THen, i heard "miau" and i knew my bs group is here. Haih, its something new that Liren, Vignesh and Jeremy came up with. So, it's like their trademark. So, yeap...Liren, Jeremy, HuiLi and Miffy came. It was really good to see them. Haha, i miss them - esp MIFFY!! It was soooo nice to see u. And how u came in with a wide wide smile and saying "Hiiieeeee Jeeee Leeee" :) I was sooo glad to see u. Really miss u. hehe.....And u came up to me and pass me something. Gave me a shock!! A green packeted thing that i wished for. AFTER EIGTH!! Ahhhh.....I almost jumped up and down and so wanted to give her a big big big hug for it! She read my posts a few days ago and it was darn sweet of her to give it to me lar! Man!!! I can't believe it! Miffy, Thank u soooo much! U have no idea how happy i am!! Thank u! :)

Den, another suprise. Ok, this is not really a suprise since i had a super long argument with u not to do it. So, i was actually dreading u to come in. I was even hoping that u wont come for bs. Knowing u're a person who keeps to your word! No, it's not that i dislike u ar! Don't get the wrong idea. But, i don't think u need me to say how much i didn't want you to get the siew yuk for me. First of all, it was a craving. I alwiz think that my food cravings are not alwiz meant to be satisfied. Hah! Weird me! But, really.....u going all the way (altho i donno where) to get the packet of siew yuk for me is darn touching lar! Like i said, really NO NEED. But, i'm not gonna go into WHY donnit. U know why. And ok, haha...no small packet of AFTER EIGHT, so u got a bigger one. At the end of yesterday's conversation, i tot we had an "agreement" that u will get ONLY siew yuk for me? So why was there a packet of AFTER EIGHT? I sigh because u've been too nice to me. I don't deserve it. If u get my e-mail, one of the reasons are in it. But, u-know-who-u-are, u really REALLY shouldn't have done it. And please, let me pay for it!!!! U'll make me feel really guilty if u dont. And, i say again, THANK U THANK U THANK U THANK U THANK U THANK U.

I called WengYan after BS. She's cool. I've never fail to thank God for her. The friend she has been to me. The funny, sarcastic, lame person that she is! Yet, serious and encouraging! How loved i feel by God!! Thank U Lord...Woman, if u read this, u da woman lar!! (oh, that was pretty redundant rite? heheh...)

Now that it's late, i'm talking to Beverly. There has just been too much feelings going on in me that I so need to tell it to someone. Beverly is the best person to tell it all to. So, yeap.....She's praying for me...so, yay!!!

I'm going off now. It's been a extremely exciting day! I thank God for everything and for all of u who showed me a glimpse of God's love for me today!! TO every SINGLE one of u, I LOVE you! :) Thanks a million!!

Pleased....

A long awaited HAPPY post! Yes, after such a long time of flooding my blog with sad blog posts, i'm now able to write something happy. Actually, not entirely true oso wert rite, even in my depressing posts, oso got some happy things - esp about how God has been good?! Yes....

Anyway, today.....
In reference to yesterday's post, i did not go to Ikea or to east coast park. I stayed home! woohoo. What is there to do at home? NOTHING. OK, i should by right be studying but i am not because i want to rest. Ok, no la..honestly, i want to finish the book i've been reading. It's called Finding Freedom by Joyce Huggett. AHF group from Life Chapel gave it to me when i left for Singapore. So nice of them hor? We had a feast as well....yay!! But, yes....this book has been with me ever since i came to singapore. I take super long to finish it. Not that i started last year of course. I was reading another book last year. I just take a few months to finish 177 pages!!! Arrrgggghhh...

But, ok...comment on this book: it's quite a good book. It was this book that challenged me to go back and talk to me father and mother. And today, as i read this book, I was challenged again. Challenge to leave all that depresses me behind. Not that my life dont matter or this matter is not important. But, its not as important as the other things that God wants me to focus on. And honestly, I knew God has been saying to shift my focus to somewhere else but i havent been able to do that but I thank God because He helped me to do so today! And please pray with me that I will be able to do the things that the Lord has asked me to do. Pray for me to be faithful. Pray that I will seek Him and His will to be done above all else. Pray that I will be obedient.

I feel better today coz not only did i finish reading that book, i also took the time to read an article that Julia wrote for me. I asked her something that was brought to my attention to seek God about during our last SPP but got not very clear answers from the Lord. haha....its interesting how this article has been on my table for so long but i never took the time to read it. And, only decide to read it today. U know, God has HIS very reasons for the timings ppl do certain things. If i read them at a different time, i would probably not be able to accept and absorb as many things as i did today. I would like to list the things i've learnt today but i don't think i would have space for that.

Anyway, God has been good!! WAaaay more than good...He's been the BEST!!! HE's awesome!!

Mommy called just now :) Needless to say, i was darn happy!!!

I cleared the house a bit. Sometimes i wish i was not that particular about cleanliness. Ok la. I honestly think i'm not THAT particular - some girls or guys are even worse than i am. I guess, when u see that the person in charge to clear the house is not doing it, u just help lor hor? since i dont really REALLY mind housework and also the house was getting a bit dirty la. I didn't do a perfect work but it's alrite. So long as i dont see so much dirt can lar hor? ;)
but, i had this weird REALLY weird thought when i was sweeping the stairs just now. People, friends and aunties in Life Chapel esp, have told me before that I have wife and mother qualities. And i alwiz go, NO WAY!!! and they go on to tell me how it would be easy to get a bf. Haha.... if they are right about me having those qualities, i wish guys were looking for those qualities. HAHA! But now, i dont really care! Bleah....

WHich brings me to my next point, I had a scary dream just now. Darn scary ok....don't play play. THis brings me to wonder whether it was from God or not. Hmm.....arrgggghhhh..... ok, i tell u arr...dont laugh! I dreamt I died in a place where i really want to go. Died a very scary death! Oh no..... eeeee, so bloody summore!!!

Talking about dreams, I didnt sleep well last nite oso. I think i cried badly in my sleep. But i didnt know. the reason why i think i did was because i woke up tis morning with a very funny feeling eyes. And when Lifang came back at 2plus she asked me whether i just woke up or not, and i said 'Of course NOT'. Den i ask her why, she said "ur eyes is a bit swollen." oh no..that bad?? Hmm....ok, the oni thing i remembered about my sleep was that i think i was feeling depressed in my dream but i can't remember anything other than that.....Did i cry? I donno. I remember wanting very much to cry but wasn't able to. But, i went to bed not THAT depressed wert...so, why ar? hmm...funny!

I washed the toilet today!! So happy....hahaha, I sometimes feel i get happy over too small issues and yet get depressed over funny funny things as well...

When Jeremy came over today, I was being lame to him. Haha, he said this "Now, i know how ppl feels when i say lame things to them" hahahah....YES!!!! Got him to see how it is like...hahaha.

Made arrangements to see Sarah tmr!! My dear dear sarah......I loooove you!!!!!!

Haha...must show her this blog oso....i say out but she not here to see it oso! ish...but nvm la, i got tell her i love her b4....But, i seldom say it to guys eh? hahaha....so, for those of u guys who have heard it from me, u know how much u mean lar har!!!! :) i don't simply play play around with that word....that 4 letter word....

ahhhh......

ok...nite nite....

Today...

I woke up darn late today! And when i say DARN late, i mean it! I slept for sooo many hours. I'm kinda ashamed to say it out! Really makes me sound like a pig! Hahaha.....

I slept at 3:30am and woke up at 1pm today. woohoo! That's MANY hours! I don't sleep like that for no reason. So, whats the reason? DEPRESSED lar!!! Hahaha......(but, my emotions weren't the only cause of it. It could've been the main cause but not the only one!)I dread waking up this morning knowing that I've already promised HIM that I will talk to HIM about it. aih..... I was terrified.

Anyway, if not for jieyao's call, i wouldn't have woken up as well. Ok, to be honest, i was already up by 720am. I don't know why my idiot alarm went off!! So, i woke up.....woke bev up and den went back to sleep! Waking up every 30 minutes and sighing and den going back to bed. haha.....Till JieYao finally called me and asked whether i was home anot. He's coming over. Aih...forced to get up. IF not, when he coems, he's gonna ask me where am i. End up going out and having lunch with him as well.

Came back. Bathed and den got ready for my appointment with GOD. THanks for all of u who prayed for me....At the end of it, God didn't say anything! Boo!! Ok, I think God said something - but very vague. VERY vague. Ok, nvm. Maybe HE dowan me to know now. I thank God for spending time with me and saying something - even though vague.

Rite after that, i read my mail. And i cried! Boo!! Remember my previous few posts, i mentioned about my project group mates? hah, sent another hurting mail! I'm trying to love them despite the pain they're inflicting on me! Haha, sound so serious but yeah la. It's painful lor. I can't believe i cried but i guess, when ur work is not appreciated but instead kena scolding summore, of course it hurts rite? hmm...

Am still feeling quite bad. Am still feeling a bit sad. I'm still hurting and aching. I wish to talk to someone. I wish for "After Eight". I wish for Ice-cream. I wish for Durians. I wish for Siew Yuk. I wish for Tom Yam Maggi Mee. Hehe....

I went online and was downloading some things. Changed theme of desktop. Changed skin. :) Quite satisfied.

Despite my sorrow, i am still amazed by God. He showed me today that He knows my pain and my sorrow. What HE wants for me is to rejoice in them. HE wants me to be happy. He's given me things more precious than gold - imperishable and incorruptible. Yes, there are many questions that i asked God today and yet almost none were answered. But, it's alrite. :) Amazed by God's love...

Still, the hurt is still real. I sooo want to cry. But, cry also no use wert rite? What for cry when nothing is gonna change anyway? Yes, maybe i'll feel better after letting it out. But, crying alone somehow just doesnt appeal to me. I want to go out for a run or for a drive or for a feast but i can't. I can't cry to bev coz she still has her work to do. i cant cry to any other person coz they won't understand the extend of my pain. Not that Bev does. But, maybe more than those who don't know what on earth is happening.

Now, i feel like calling WengYan. But i know she'll be asleep edi. Tomorrow gotta get up early coz gotta go to church eh.

I'm trying to listen to some more happy songs like "Accidently in love" - the drum beats are crazily nice!!! or "A thousand mile" - the piano is superb. Oh, by the way, do you guys realise how great the piano sounds in "My Immortal" ??? Listen of course to the piano version. It's awesome! But, u have to listen carefully lar since Evanescence singing drowns the piano. But, u blast the music, u can hear...There's so much emotions even in the keys played!! SOoo nice!!! I think the emotions i feel is very well portrayed in that song but the words don't. hahah...just the music!

It's late. It's 1212am. I want to go to bed. I want to go to church tomorrow. I don't think i want to come home early though. There's nothing much to do. I want to do something happy. I might go to Ikea. I might even go all the way to east coast park. I might! :) Actually, that sounds like a pretty good idea. Haha...but going alone doesnt seem fun. Now now now......Maybe Ikea will do the trick! :) I'll let u know tomorrow what i did!

Yay! ok......nite nite.....

If u read my previous post, please please please voice ur opinion. This girl here needs an answer. Hahahaha....Ok la, if u dowan to comment on the blog, just mail me. Easy as that! :)

Another random thought, Jeremy said last night that he thinks i've changed significantly. Have I? What are your thoughts? A significant change in 5 months??hmm.....What say u?

Question

ok. I have some questions and i decide to post them up.

haha.....

A friend once told me someone will come around your way and think u're the most beautiful person he's ever met - that person will be ur husband. I told him, i dont think that will ever happen. One of the reasons is because i'm not. The other reason is, if he says i am, he's lying. Not that i'm putting him down. But, me me....weird me would rather him telling me that yes, i'm not the most beautiful person he has ever met but still i'm the person he loves. I'm the one woman whom he loves despite my flaws... Unromantic? nevermind. As long as he is truthful to me can edi. Haha!

But, is it true? Do we think our future spouse / boyfriend (or girlfriend) as the most beautiful creature we've met? I don't know. But, personally, i dont think so.

So, comes this question.

DO i really love him so much? COZ i honestly don't think he's the most beautiful person i've ever met. He's not the most interesting person i've ever met.

I've met many many beautiful people. I know many many interesting people. I know many many funny people.

And, he doesn't top them all. So, do i love him? (following my friends argument)

And here comes another question....

I find someone else really beautiful. His heart and his soul so beautiful that is so attractive. I consider that beauty! The heart and the soul!! Does he top the 3 qualities i mentioned earlier? I donno la. But i know he's a beautiful person!

The question...Do i like him?

U decide......(i'm serious. What's ur opinion?)

Muahaha......

When i told another friend of what my friend's argument (as stated earlier), she said "yeah lor, my bf thinks i'm the prettiest girl he has ever met." hmmm.....so?? She has mentioned before that her bf is very cute and all that but i dont think she thinks of her bf as the most good-looking guy ever. hahaha

Is this a gender thingy?

How come we girls dont think of the one that we like as the most beautiful person but our guy friends think of their loved ones as the most beautiful person? hahaha

that's so weird...

anyone wanna lecture me on this? I'm quite interested to know...hahaha

Feeling like . . .

Hmm.....lotsa things in my mind now. I donno what to say and what not to say. I just mentioned to huili about the blog address.

Anyway, today....i feel like shit! Hah! That was easy! I don't like the way i'm feeling.

I went to school today and had classes. Impressive eh. I wasn't even a little bit sleepy during my EL2101 class - phonology!! Craziness. Even tho i had nothing to do yesterday, i still stayed up till about 4am. So, getting up early this morning to go for class. So, 6 days in a row, 4 hours on the average of sleep a day! Woohoo....So, after my class, met my BS girl. Was good to meet up with her. :)

hmm....it's been some time since i've spoken about him eh. hahah. I won't tell u all about him but i will tell u how i am feeling now. If u care for me, instead of him, u won't ask me about him ok? hehe...(haha, not really true oso. There are times when i'm glad and happy to talk about him)
ANYWAY, so today in school, i usually meet him in the arts canteen. Today, i purposely went and look for a seat that i know i won't bump into him. I didn't want to meet him. Aiyah, u know why lar! If it hurts so much, u think i wanna go and meet him ar? Yes, suprising eh. Normally, when comes to matters like this, we all want to meet him no matter what rite? Not for me now! Ok la, to be really honest. Although i sat far from where he would normally sit, i was also looking out for him. but, i donno. the feeling was different. haha, I didn't mind not meeting or seeing him at all. normally, esp so on a friday, i would mind. If i dont see him on a sunday, i will need to wait at least 2 more days before i see him again. Haha...But, this time round, i dowan to see him. I really dowan. What for?! See him and get demoralised? see him edi and den get all sad about it? Aiyah...might as well not see him at all rite?! So, ok lor....i was happily walking off from the canteen. Then, as i was walking pass the drink stalls, i thought i saw in front of me someone familiar - him. But i was still talking to my friend. He was blocked once in a while by people walking in front of him. But, nvm....i was about to pretend i didnt see him liao. I'm best at doing that!!! Then, i just told myself, aiyah....look properly first and see whether it is him anot. so, yeah. confirm! It's him. So now, wanna say hie anot? Aiyah, just look up lor. If he looks at u, den say hie lor. if not, dont bother! So, ok...i looked up...our eyes met. Said our hie....Left!

Went to the toilet. Man! My stomach donno what's wrong. Already my nose oso something wrong liao. Stomach now getting funny. Must be not enuff sleep. haha. I'm simply putting the blame on something else. After toilet-ing, I came out deciding which way i should take to go back home. Should i walk towards the canteen? I usually take that way home anyway. But, decided not to. I dowan to go and make purposeful attempts to meet him. But, i walked towards the canteen anyway but not walking through it - which is what i usually do. But, walk towards LT11 and then walk home. So, i was happily walking....and den, i saw him again!! MAN!!! I DOWAN to see him larrrrrrr!!! DOWAN....DOWAN....DOWAN!!!! So ok, we didnt just said hie. We spoke a bit. Den, left. Aih......Took a long and slow walk home. Depressing betul!!! So, I took my mind of what i was feeling. OFF!! Prayed for WeiTing...Almost reaching home. I said out, LORD, why like this?? WHY???...aih. Hatiku terluka. Hatiku pecah.

So, reached home feeling really like shit! So, i went upstairs...left my bag on the bed and went up to the attic to look for bev. She was doing her project. I felt like shit! and i was being really selfish! I needed to vent it out. I needed to talk to someone. She knows whats going on the best! But, i know she needs to study and to work....so, i just said mumbled some stuff. Den, i didnt want to disturb her liao...I want to go and sleep. Was dead tired. ASked bev whether she wants me to be with her up in the attic anot. Coz if she's alone, she mite fall asleep. but, if i sleep in front of her, oso a bit bad rite? So, i asked for her opinion. She said she wanted me to be there. So, ok...went down to change and den brought the pillow and my smelly blanket up. Slept! But, somehow when u're depressed, u can't really sleep. So, it wasn't a good sleep. ALready i so super tired and sleepy but cannot have a good rest!! What is this man!!! And den, sleeping oso got sooo many sms-es coming in. Bev said, put it to silent mode lar. But what if something important? Nvm la...doesnt matter anyway. So, i got up at 5pm. Went downstairs. Prepare for BS. Suppose to meet HuiLi at 7 plus to discuss about BS on monday. Yeah, we're leading. I was SOOO not in the mood for BS lor. Came down and listened to some music. AIh!!!! THings was not getting any better still....still felt like SHIT. Oh no! Now how??!! Then, i realised i wasted 1 hour just listening to music. Dang! So, time for emotions to switch OFF again! So, OFF! Do Bible study! I know, mite not be the best thing to do, but nvm lar! I need to do my BS. Huili was gonna come soon edi leh!

So, i did my BS. Was dead hungry! To those who do not know my appetite, better dont seek to find out. Haha.....Scare u. My mommy and daddy alwiz said that if my husband were to see my appetite, he mite run away. hahahaha.....And it doesnt help when i not only like to eat, i LOOOOVE food. hahaha...That explains for my size rite??!! Hahaha. Plus, i was depressed. Depressed means sure eat more wan. But, mebbe today - accumulation of depression. VERY depressed - didn't feel like eating!! AArrrgggghhh but i know i was hungry!! I wanna go and eat all the good food in Singapore!! Why dont i have a car here? I remember how when in KL, depressed means, get the car and den go and drive around looking for food or friends.... hehehe. So, anyway....only ate bread for dinner. Yeah. Ate only when HuiLi came over.

So, i told myself to switch off. So, got down to do BS about 8pm. By the time we ended with prayer, it was 9:30pm liao. haha...our discussion is like 1 entire BS. hahaha...so funny! Den, aih...we chatted a bit...spoke to her about him as well. hahah....But, haha....even as i spoke, emotions still was switched off. I cannot talk to anyone about him without the OFF button. Sakit mer!!

I entertained her a bit...with all the pictures in my comp - not a lot but ok lar...still wanna compile. Haha! All the food pictures....aih!!!!

Still feel like shit now! Wanna go sleep.
David asked me wanna go canoeing tmr anot. Aih!! Cannot la david. I promised God I'll seek HIm liao..Altho, honestly, i don't feel like doing it. So, PRAY FOR ME!!!

Ok......I wonder when i will ever write a short post!! Sianz....

No one reads my long ramblings....

Arrrgggghhhh

Haven't blogged in a few days.

The past few days have been quite crazy. Sleeping for an average of 4 hours perday for 5 days is no fun! But, I thank God! Coz He has been sustaining me and not only that. My brains were also working even though i've been really deprived of beauty sleep. And even at 3am or 4am, I am wide awake. Goodness...the past few days, Gloria and Beverly have been awake too. They don't stay up with me tho...But, they are honours year students ok...don't play play man! Mebbe they have a smarter way of working. Then again, i have this really bad habit of staying awake for a long long time. So, Bev and Glo goes to bed about 10 or 11pm and they get up about 3 or 4am. And, I will go to bed about 3 or 5am or 7am. Craziness rite? muahaha....Gloria was so funny the other day. She woke up at about 3am and den i was still doing my work, so i was awake lar. I don't know why i was so awake, but i was singing as i was doing my work. Then she turn to me and say "Sister, i'm so blessed to see u so awake and so cheerful at tis time of the day." I tot what!! when she held my hand, i tot i was too noisy liao. But, i was so happy to hear that! :) And really, i give thanks to God. Because it was really HIM who gave me such energy and cheerfulness. Hehehe...REALLY! I've been experiencing it so much lor.....

Today my body is really aching. I thank God body clock still intact tho. No vomitting. Nothing scary. I can still make it. Just that my body a bit siao edi. U know la, my back got a bit problem wan rite? Aih.....I still remember how i injured my back. It was year 2002. At the end of my first year of STPM (A levels), me and my classmates went to Pulau Langkawi. It is a very very nice island!! SOOO many things to do. Ok, I was lifted up and thrown into the sea even though i repeatedly told them i can't swim. And of course, getting dumped into the swimming pool oso. Man!! Why i kena bully so much wern??? All done against my will. Lifted against my will (I don't like to use the word carry. And nope! No one is suppose to carry me!! NO WAY!!). THrown into the sea and pool against my will. Held under water against my will...Boohoo...ok, so, at the island, we were suppose to get onto the sampan. But because the sampan needs to be stable. But because ALL the guys went over to the other sampan, just because it reached first..they wanted to reach the other small lil islands first! Ish...guys!! So, because all the guys weren't around, someone heavy have to sit RIGHT IN FRONT of the sampan so that it is stable. So, i sat lor. But, i'm not that heavy as to hold the sampan down! So, wanna guess what happened??!! The sampan was going very fast and i felt every single hit against the wave and i felt like i was sitting on a very fast moving bus that doesnt stop when it approaches a bump! Man!! When we reached the other lil island, my back was feeling funny! Bumping up and down was really uncomfortable. I believed that was how i injured my back. Then, after the trip, i felt it really bad! It was so bad that I can't stand during our Church Choir practices. Plus, it was so near Christmas already. So, we had our full-dress rehersals and the heels!!!! And we were suppose to be performing at other churches as well. Oh no!!! But, thank God coz I was able to make it for the performances. If not, die lar!!! We all had our share of pain. I still remember Charity had her gums aching as well. So cannot open mouth big big. So kesian her ok.

Anyway, that's the history of my back. Honestly, i do get a bit worried about it at times. Since i don't think my future husband (i donno who btw!) reads this, ONE of you who reads this better tell him to take good care of me ar! Hahaha.....I've got really bad habits too....I've got a really bad posture, right Shel? heheh....I bathe really late without heated water. Aih....And u know what am i worried about? No, i do not worry about whether when i grow old, i can walk straight anot. THE only thing i worry when it concerns my back is when i get pregnant.Have u seen women who are pregnant but cannot walk properly coz of the weight of the baby? ANd we all know that the one thing that supports the weight of the baby is the mother's back! How am i suppose to survive lidat? How am i suppose to get pregnant??? Haha....It's strange how i am so confident that i will have children of my own but not confident that i will get married (ok la, i think i dare say that i WILL get married but to who, haha...i donno). Anyway, bleah.

So, after 5 days of sleep deprive, i am here blogging at 1am. I was suppose to submit my last assignment for this semester today. That was why i stayed up late until 5am tis morning!! And den, i woke up at 8am this morning just to edit my essay before i leave for class. Plus, i have a 6 hour day today! So, i woke up feeling really tired but still got down to editing my essay, which exceeded the word limit by more than a thousand words. Man!! Anyway, my prof wont mind wan lar! Hehe....Then, after my quiet time, i decided to read my NUS e-mail. ANd what i saw brought mix feelings. My lecturer sent out an e-mail telling us that the dateline for submission of the assignment has been postponed to a week later!!! On one hand, i'm SUPER grateful to God for this second chance to write a better paper. On the other hand, when i consider one thing DONE, means it's done! I'm not gonna go and touch it anymore. And, i've considered the assignment done and ready to be handed in liao. So, arrrgggghhhhh.....So, i contemplated handing in the essay. But when i went for lecture, i decided not to. I remembered praying and asking God to help me to do well in this paper. I sux at this paper lar! So, this was probably a way of God answering my prayer. So, thank U Lord. I look at the piece of work and i thought it is ok lar. I've got my points. My stuffs were ok. But if u ask me whether would i consider myself giving the piece of work the best i can offer to God, then my answer is NO! So, yeah lor.....must improve it! Must give God the best eh!! So, do pray for me to be diligent yeah!

On another hand, i went for tutorial today and i met Shao Zhen and i asked her about the assignment. Handed in edi anot? You see, we were suppose to do our seperate parts. There are 4 of us in total. I blogged about them in the earlier posts...So, I was suppose to do the Introduction and the summary. Karen suppose to do Lit review. ShaoZhen suppose to do Methodology. MingLing suppose to do summary of our findings. We were all suppose to come together to discuss the analysis. But because they all came late on monday, the day we were suppose to discuss, we weren't able to finish the discussion in time. We all had to leave already. So, I volunteered to take home and finish up the discussion part. It's suppose to be 4-5 pages long ok. So, it's darn long. But, i tot...it's alrite lar...So, i got home and started doing it right after my BS on monday. I stayed up until about 7am doing it ok! I'm not boasting. i'm just saying i did my part. So, ShaoZhen and Mingling was suppose to do the editting. So, i found out from ShaoZHen today that they stayed up from 8pm till 9am the next day in school. Ok, thank u girls. But, as ShaoZhen was telling me today, i thought i sense a bit of hostility in her. I thought she wasn't happy with me not being there to edit the paper. But, i wasn't suppose to wert! Anyway, i just read an e-mail from mingling. Apparently, they called Karen down to help with the editing also. but they didnt call me. So, ok! Fine! However, in the email, mingling voiced her discontent in wanting me to treat them a meal when i see them. Like, hello? not like i didnt do my part of the work and if u wanted me to be there during ur editing, call me la! U didnt call me and now u're blaming me for not being there? Hmm....i just feel a bit unfairly judged. And, i trusted them with the division of work piece! We were suppose to submit a piece of paper telling the prof the division of work between us. Now, they sent me a copy of the paper and honestly, i am not happy with it. Coz, yeah...if i were the prof, i'd think why this JeeLee did so little work. But man!! No lor!!! I did my part! Yes, as u can tell, i'm quite upset. I can't believe i've been treated like this. I mean, it's not like i didnt put in my best effort. I really feel treated unfairly! aih...I feel so upset that i was on the verge of replying that e-mail and giving them a piece of my mind. But, that wouldn't be very nice would it? I mean, even more in times like this i gotta show my Christian Love lor.....hmm, but i honestly don't feel too good about it. I prayed that God will help me to forgive them and show grace. Please pray for me too. I hate it when i get angry with people. It's not good!!!

On a brighter side, I had a very good bible study just now. I see how the Lord is opening ways for me to pass on the message that the Lord has for the girls....Please pray for me and felicia (co-leader) yeah. And for the hearts of the girls to be ready when we share. :) Again, God has been gracious to me. I was dead tired before BS. But, thank God i wasn't sleepy during BS. :)

Edgar told me a few nites ago that he wants me to meet up with a girl who wants to join nav. Personally, a girl approached me about nav as well. I wrote to her and told her about nav and she replied my mail today! She said many very encouraging things. So, personal follow-up eh. I've gotta admit this, to a certain extend, i put aside ministry work during the past 1 week. Not completely but i didn't give my best. So, there are a bit of follow-up work that needs to be done. I'm meeting one of my bs girls tomorrow. :) Meeting HuiLi after that. Many many e-mails to write as well....Many many readings to do as well....

If u already know, from my previous posts, I've been struggling over some issues lately. And if i didn't already mentioned, God spoke to me and told me to seek Him. Honestly, i'm scared. I'm really scared. Haha! I guess, i'm really afraid that God will say something that i dowan to hear. U ever felt that before. On one hand, u want to hear it - coz it's probably what ur heart wants but on the other hand, u also don't really want to hear it. For me, i don't know why there is this confusion of what i want or why i feel this way. But, i think i'm afraid that i will feel pain in both situations. So, i oso donno! I'm afraid. Sunday, God said "Seek Me" and i said, "ok! But after Thursday." God is very gracious to allow me that! On Tuesday again He reminded me about seeking Him. Haha, either HE really has something good for me (something that i want but have fear of wanting?) or He thinks i'm gonna chicken out on seeking Him. Either way, it was good that HE spoke to me again. I spoke to Beverly yesterday about it. I told her that i have this intention of seeking Him yet i am darn afraid, darn scared. Its so much easier to run away. But, nope i won't! So, i told her to keep me accountable. She must make sure i dont go and make appointment on Saturday! The day i decide to have ETWG!! She must make sure i get down to doing it!! I told her a bit of what i feel. Here and there la...i think she knows what i'm thinking and how i am feeling. And I think because she's out of the situation, she probably knows how i am feeling actually more than i do! So, she is in a better position to tell me how i feel! Muahah...at least in a better position that me telling myself lar!! Ish....So, muahaha....i donno!
Do pray for me yeah. Pray that as i seek Him, He will speak to me.

Okay la....

My sister is going to visit the Orang Asli later in the afternoon. Going to visit the Orang Asli who came to the church for camp. I'm glad she's serving! I'm glad and proud of her even. But, i have a fear. I am afraid that she's so driven by her "Christian" duties that this it all becomes a ritual to her. As it can be to many christians. Service probably is one of a bigger idol than most people would notice or admit eh! I pray that she's not too drawn away from the Lord by the service she renders to HIM. I pray that my friends - wherever u may be, will always serve the Lord because U love Him and because He deserves it! And that ur relationship with Him never turns into a ritual! Yeap yeap yeap....

Ok la...Long post! As usual...

Gotta go!

Late edi. Nites!!

EDIT: I was reading Kat's web journal and i usually enjoy reading her posts. But the topic that was on her most recent post don't seem very inviting - marriage? Hmm.....i wonder why too. ;p

Oouucchh??

I know it is painful for u. It is likewise for me. I don't understand why you don't want to tell me but it hurts when i know something is wrong and yet you are not willing to share it with me. I guess, you don't really know how much i love you!Well, you might not realise it but yeah, it hurts....it's been so long already. And still you're not telling me. Yes, call it jealousy or whatsoever. I don't get it. You can tell other people but you can't tell me. It's not like you donno how much i love you! You know it!

Yeah, maybe my love for you don't matter much anyway.

Anyway, I have learned that my love, care and concern for many many many people do not matter anyway. They think when I say "I love you" or "I care" or "I miss you" is an obligation on my part. Like as if i say it just to make them feel happy. Do you all realise that i mean IT when i say utter those word? Do you know it takes a lot of me to say those things? Yet, it doesnt matter to you...Well, you wanna know the truth? I am hurt. Its alrite if you don't love me back but don't treat what i have said as if it doesn't bear any meaning. Coz it hurts so much!!SOOOO much!!!!

Anyway, i say again as i have told you before, I love you.

:)

Crazee...

At 2:41 in the morning I am blogging. I think it’s crazy. Everyone in the house is already asleep, except me of course. Muahaha…

Rejoice with those who rejoice.
I’ve just completed my 10 page assignment!! Woohoo….I spent 2 days writing them ok. Don’t play play!! I exceeded the word limit by A LOT leh! Lecturer said won’t pinalise marks for it. So, I’m counting on his words. Originally, I’ve got 12 pages. I altered the page margin a bit, so can fit into 11 pages. Eh, it’s not called cheating coz the lecturer never say I cannot do that. Bleah ;p

1 down, 2 more to go.

Sociology paper done. Now, I have 1 English Language paper to do and 1 South Asian paper to do. Man, I’m darn worried bout my South Asian paper. I have not started doing a single thing for it lor. Ok, I’ve seen my tutor and she was a big help. She gave me quite a lot of idea of what to write in my essay. But other than that, I’ve done nothing. Zero. Die lar this time. Lord, if you don’t help me in this, I don’t think I will be able to make it. I will start tomorrow (oh wait, it’s already the 17th…so, start today!) Assignment due on Thursday! Arrrggghh….4 days to complete the essay PLUS I still have my E Lang paper that is due on Wednesday. This paper not so bad because it’s a group work. We’ve done our gathering of information liao. We’re meeting on Monday to discuss on the survey and come up with the work. After that is done, we can write out the discussion and den I can go on to type the introduction and the Conclusion for the term paper. U know, I’ve been very blessed. Coz, I’ve got this bunch of very nice girls as my group mates. They’ve been really really understanding. And the way we work together is really fun. We talk all sort of nonsense. Yet, we wipe each others backside – u get what I mean lar rite? Ok, I admit, there have been times when I get irritated with some of them – especially when they start getting all particular about small, petty things like : all in a straight line anot? Can fit into one page anot? Must use some bombastic words… Aiyoh, that one can sometimes get on nerves a bit. This was the group that I had the 7 hour project meeting with. Yes, we get on each others nerves a bit. I have gotten on their nerves definitely! But, we ask for forgiveness and we forgive each other. But honestly, I haven’t been at my best with this project. At project meetings, I just can’t wait to finish our project meeting but the girls can continue on talking and talking about other topics – man, we digress A LOT! Nevertheless, I have not been a good testimony! I am ashamed to say this but yes it is the truth! Lord, forgive me? SORRY Lord. Whenever I get upset or angry a bit, it shows. They can tell my agitation. Aih….I’ve really tried to smile in my agitation. Tried to not show so much. But, Sorry Lord. I have not been able to.

Ok…enuff about papers…

Today I was just thinking , why I cannot say in my blog that I am sad over that issue? There wasn’t anything wrong when someone shares in his blog about W or about their loved ones and how far they are from getting the ones that they love. Does it now fall down to gender? Just because I’m a girl, I can’t say the miseries I have? Hmmm….*think think*

Ok…honestly, it hurts. Yes Jon, Yes Shelby, Yes all, it hurts… Sometimes, when I look away, it doesn’t hurt so bad or when God says something, den it doesn’t hurt so much. At those times, I may be happy! At other times, I may not be happy. Times when I am confused. Times when I am stressed. Times when I am covered with fear –fear to even ask God, NOW WHAT? Times when I am just so scared. Times when I look and see how bleak the issue seem to be. Of course, if my eyes were totally focused on it, I would have crushed. I would have died! I would have lost all faith, lost all hope, lost the desire to want to love anymore.

So, yes…just to let it out : IT HURTS!!! HURTS A LOT…..WAAAAY much more than some of you can imagine. (then again, we have all been through this before rite?!)

However, dear friends, Don’t worry! U wanna know why I alwiz ramble about how much it hurts but at the end of the post say : Don’t worry? U think I just want to seem strong in front of you? You think I say so to comfort myself? Or to comfort you? Or so that you don’t say : oh, pity JeeLee, she’s in so much pain? I don’t worry about what you will say about the situation that I am going through. :)

I tell you not to worry because I am still with the Lord and HE is still with me. When one day u hear me say, “I’m giving up on You Lord” Then, Please all of you, start sending me slaps on the face and wake me up! Until that happens (which I am confidently saying, it wont!), don’t worry about me. You know how I always say “God will never leave you nor forsake you”? I am very sure and confident God will never! I’ve always experienced God’s hand drawing me back! Even at times when I shout and scream and say “God, I dowan to hear already or God, I dowan to ask you coz I’m freaking scared” , God still speaks to me. Yes, that’s how persistent God is! And, Yeah, He slaps me on the face and wakes me up to listen to Him. And when God speaks, can You not listen? Maybe. I try my very best not to. But, haha…I’m rather dumbo. If I know that God is speaking, even if it is something that I dowan to hear, I cannot NOT hear. Coz it is GOD who is speaking. U think what? Ur friend ar?? Ur brother ar?? So, don’t worry fellow brothers and sisters. Coz when God speaks, I listen. (haha, we all have to rite?) Ok, No! I am not saying I’m a very obedient child. I’m WAAAAAAAYYYYYY far from that. I am not saying God is some kind of a dictator. God deserves the respect and obedience from us eh!! Simple as that?! (ok, maybe not THAT simple) For instance, if you read my previous post, you will be able to tell that I wasn’t very happy. Or I wasn’t very positive about things. Yes, I was depressed. Waaay sad….waaay down in the little corner called “Depressing times”. I told God : “Lord, I dowan to be sad today. But since I’m already sad, I will put on my “ignore” sign – ignore my feelings so that I can do my work! I need it done by today!! Please help me.” So, yeah…I tried ignoring it and was successful when I was infront of the computer and typing all the words and messing the entire dining table with my readings. When lunch time came, break time, sleepy times, I wasn’t able to ignore those feelings. It came back! Man!! It was darn irritating. Den, when I want to start back my work, I just gotta say that prayer again. And put on “busy” status to my heart. No time to feel! Muahaha….Den, after dinner….ok, cannot help it liao. Have to Shit! So, I go into the toilet (let’s skip all the details ok). God basically spoke to me while I was shitting! U all gotta agree with me on this, God can be darn funny!! He’s darn humorous lar!! I’m like, “God, u sure it’s you ar? Why I hearing so funny thoughts in the toilet wan.” Den “ Yeah la, if it’s not me, u think u will think of these kind of thing ar?” Den “Oh yeah hor, quite true oso. I if I dowan to think about it, then I surely won’t think of such things wan lor.” Hmm…wah, impressive eh!! So, basically God said this one thing to me : JeeLee, look around you and dwell on what you have and be happy. Don’t dwell on what you don’t have. Den, my response : Ok, don’t dwell on sad things BUT I cannot don’t think. U know how painful even if I don’t think about it? You think by dwelling on the things that I have can make me happy? Darn difficult lar… And even now as I type, its not easy. I tell u, it’s NOT EASY!!! It’s darn painful…it’s as painful as I dwell on what I don’t have. So, haha…what’s the point rite? Anyway, If God says Do IT! I dare not say I DOWAN ar! Being rebellious with God brings heavy consequences wan ok! So, yes…I will obey! Now, no worries ok!! As you read this, bear in mind, I am obeying God and I might sound all happy but it still hurts. But do I grumble? No! Because if this is a trial I have to go through so that God’s will be done, CAN I grumble? Of course NOT!! Dare I grumble? OF course NOT! For those who know Peter Pan’s Song : Ada Apa denganmu, Mungkin nanti and Ku Katakan dengan Indah…these songs reflect what’s in my heart…the hurt and the pain…I’ve been listening to it almost the whole day today. Muahaha….

So, to u all who pray for me…thank U…because I testify to you, every single day of my life, be it a happy day or a sad day, God has alwiz proven HIS existence and His presence around me! So, if u say God has left you, I believe that u’re just not looking out for Him. He is there!!!!

ANYWAY, just to sum this post up…it’s a long one I know. I’ve finally looked at some photos that I took on my phone. (ok, some pictures are not taken by me!)
And oh, to all back in KL, I miss u guys soo much. I so want to call back home to speak to my father and mother, JeeLeng and JeeVern and JeeAun and POPO!! I so want to see WengYan and YinNgai in church. I so want to sit next to Joshua in church. I so want to go out for breakfast with WengYan, YinNgai, Joshua, WengLi, YueenSan, Shelby, LiYee, Topher, Samuel, and su. And then we go to mcdonalds and den see how Samuel flirts with the cashier! Eewww…Or go out for swensen’s topless ice-cream with YinNgai and ADelene….ahhh….Badminton and Williams, Jon. Siew Yuk supper with Jon and Mun Onn!!!! ARRRGGGGHHH….

Ok la….i better stop here…..these pictures are for u to view..muahaha…


My very much treasured Monday BS. :) 


Family members whom i miss - dont have JeeVern and popo's pic :( 


Singapore's National Day Celebration 


Church fellas whom i miss..... 


lovely and hardworking group mates.. 


Crazy friends who love their eyes so much. (Edgar's, JieYao's, Shelby's and ???) 

Go Away...

It's so weird to feel this way. The anger. The hurt. The pain. On a Sunday. After all the worship.

No way am i saying I am angry with God. Coz i am not!!

I am angry with myself. (haha, when is it tat JeeLee isn't?) But dont ask me why.
I wish I am not. I wish i could not be bothered. Can't I be just a normal Christian and wish that God's will be done without having a conflicting will with God's will? Can't I? Why am I like this! Just so darn rebellious. So darn selfish.

The depression comes every now and den.
The confusion never left me. It comes back to visit me!

But, yes, THe Lord amazes me! There's just something about MY God. Something so special. Something so attractive. Something so sweet. So forgiving. So loving. So tender.

BLEAH....

Haha.....I'm fine lar! If you don't think so, don't worry. Coz i WILL be! :)

Cheers....

Dreams...

I had a few scary dreams for the past 3 days. I'm not gonna mention them here. But, hahaha...it has something to do with something that i've been thinking about. And you know why its scary? Coz its serious stuff ok. It's not a play-play issue. And I'm like thinking "hmm...is tis suppose to be prophetic?" Man! I dowan to think so much but darn! I've been like, 2 days leh. I dont normally dream dreams. And i dont normally dream dreams that has continuation wan. THis is so freaky! It really is!

And i saw pictures of babies today. And, man, they are so adorable! So cuttteeee!! I love kids man...mommy told me that Vital Years (place i used to work at) called for me. Now, why would they want to call me for? I've stopped work at that place about 4 years ago. Scary when they call me back. They need a teacher? hahah..I used to think that i'm horrible with kids. I'm so fierce that kids will run away when they see me. But, i was proven wrong. Man, when i was working for Sri Damansara Vital Years, the kids love me so much lor. I was so touched. Haha...i love working there lar! Even my boss says i'm good with kids. Wah!! That was such a moral booster lor! I miss them! The kids....Chi Ern especially...I miss many of them...When i can't have my own kids, NOT NOW LAR!!, i just love being with kids...

Will i get a husband who doesnt like kids? What if that happens? its so scary.... I want to have my own kids. I know its a bit scary coz ppl have been telling me different things and what they expect...but, haha!! I dont care! I wanna have my own kids...ok! Unless God says, "no, go and adopt!" - I will happily obey! Got kids good enuff eh. What if God says : No kids?! Honestly, now, I think it'll be super hard for me to accept. But, if God really REALLY says so, Ok lor..if that day ever comes, I pray that He will prepare me for it! If not, i'll CRY....

Anyway....Amy and Matthew got married today. Jingz was incharge of the bulletin. Peh Fern was the wedding coordinator. Aih...weddings!!!

There are some things that i wanna tell bev today. haha....wanna know why? Coz i'm feeling a bit sad and disturbed over some things. Aih.....U wanna know what? no way am i gonna tell u here! Muahaha....

aih...GOD!!! Hear my cry!!!!

Thank U Lord

I donno why the title of my post is what it is. I just felt like putting that.
Not that I dowan to thank God for all that has happened. Of course I have lots to thank God for.

This week basically didn't start out too well. Was feeling all weak and weary. Talked to Liren and cried. ok, not BooHoo cried...just, teared! I guess, there are painful things that's happening. I'm not gonna say that life is all goody and I'm not hurt by anything. Coz that will be lying. But, if i also say that God hasn't been good, then i am also lying!

Eg: On monday, i was darn depressed, met Liren and had the chance to talk. Wasn't very happy with the way james asked me to speak out more but i also know that that was something that the Lord has been telling me to do. But, i just feel that i have nothing to say anyway. So, why say?! ok...God is correcting that thought. But, yes, i am a very insecure person. I think that the person I like has his eyes on some other person. I think I can contribute nothing to the SpiritandWord group, in my Soci tutorial, in the nav exco....Yes, God is correcting.

On tuesday, had a good presentation. I was darn happy. Haha!! I was very ME during the presentation. U know how ppl are alwiz so serious during their presentation? I wasn't!! haha...As in, i did my work lar..i definitely did! I mean, come on la. It was about India, u think i will not do a good work? muahaha. BIAS!!! Anyway, i was being so comfortable presenting as the JeeLee u know me to be. And, at the end of it, my classmates were satisfied with my presentation. Someone even said i did a very thorough work. yay!! Tutor was pretty satisfied with it as well. So, was darn happy. Den, had a ELang project meeting. Ok, not project meeting but we had to prepare for our presentation thats on Thursday. I dislike the module coz it's PHONOLOGY. It's funny during lecture coz u hear all of us trying to make up the sounds that we usually say and at the same time trying to feel and figure out what are the parts of articulation (Just to use an phonology term). Saw him. He said "Hie" - i'm easily pleased. I was happy. But, he didn't seem too happy. Like something was bothering him. hmm...wonder what was it. :(

On wed, was darn late for exco devotional. Was darn irritated at myself! I almost didnt want to go already. I was close to 30 minutes late!! I alwayz alwayz get very very irritated with myself when i'm late. Anyway, went there and found out that many were still missing. Ish! but, ok....nvm...wasn't so irritated after that. Had a good time worshipping God. Had a few burning verses to share but didn't. Again, i felt that nothing good can come out the mouth of Lye Jee Lee. I'm still struggling. Decided after that not to go for social variation class coz i know i'm so tired that i know i will definitely fall asleep during lecture. And the prof has asked us to not sleep in class before coz its kinda demoralising for him. So, better not go than go there and sleep rite? So, went to central library and studied with Jeremy. At 2pm, went to see Dr. Mohanan (my phonology lecturer). She was meeting Adeline and Serene when we went there. So, we decided to go to canteen and den come back later. Met Gerald Chew (my previous sem's Theathre Studies Practical instructor). And den, walking down the stairs, i fell!! I acted as superwoman and flew a few steps down! Badabum!!! OOOUuuCChhh....PAIN!!! Yes, I landed on my knee. ouch! It was darn painful. Nvm...went to canteen to have lunch. We (me and Janice) were darn hungry la. Walked down to canteen and i thought i saw his head pop up when he saw me. NVM! I walked past him. He said "hie" and i said "hie" and gave him a squeeze on his arm - the usual JeeLee thing eh! Had a quick lunch and den went back to see dr.Mohanan and it was a good meeting. Coz, we were mainly on the right track! ANd, she gave us CHocolates!!! HOW cool is that!! She's so nice. No wonder adrian says he likes to see her. haha...after meeting her, i studied in the canteen. Had a good time staring at someone. Muahaha....But somehow, got pretty depressed after that. I got SOOO depressed that i couldn't smile. Oh wait. I think i could. Coz no one in the household noticed anything. But, I was soo depressed that i cried when i was sitting in front of Gloria and Bev. Of course, i covered my face la. So, they didn't notice anything. Hehe...Anyway, it was a bit depressing. ok, not a bit, A LOT!

THursday, the day that i have a crazy day! Didn't meet him. Had a test. I think it was alrite. I've alwiz liked Phrase Structure. Don't mind the drawing of the trees. Can be challenging but fun! Presentation was ok. Not as fun as my Tuesday presentation but it was alrite. My leg ached like crazy. Every step i took, it ached. man! What was wrong? By the time it was 6pm, i was already limping. I couldn't stand it!! Haha....literally! So, Gillian got a bit worried coz i was not walking properly. Probably the pain showed in my face as well. It was darn painful ok! Saw Eunice, talked a bit. Just wanted to ask her how has she been. I've been praying for her. :) Had quite a good time at BS. Yeap! Nope, didn't see him still. So, went home...did my stuff till about 2 plus in the morning.I was hunting high and low on the net for Emily Matthews peoms. They are real nice. Yeah, many many ppl don't know the lit person i can be. Ok, not as lit as many ppl but i enjoy reading - novels, poems, plays...I have a Blake's poem book, Compilation of Emily Dickinson's but no Emily Matthews...SAD :( Den, went to bed.

Friday, Couldn't wake up. So, skipped tutorial. Since skipped tutorial, mite as well skip lecture oso lar. So, i stayed home. Slept like a pig since i needed it. Woke up and had my qt. Had maggi mee for lunch. Lazy to cook la. I can't stand for such a long time anyway. Watched "I not stupid" for 20 minutes. Den, started with work! At about 4pm, left home to go meet Karen. I meet her every week. James call it PT (Personal time - it's like discipleship time). I donno what to call it. It was good! :) Was darn encouraged by God!! Went for rally. I can't do maths for nuts! We had a math game for ice-breakers! And to think we had a math major and not an ordinary math major, a prodigy! but, it's alrite..haha..It was nice to see Timothy being so ON about it tho! Good rally! Good speaker!! Nowadays, i prefer to pray alone. I donno why! Hmm....And, pride took control again. U see, it is a VP's duty to be in charge to celebrate birthdays. The last time i didnt do it because it was my birthday. I must admit, i was a bit upset then, coz i was all on about doing it liao. But, it's alrite. Today, they all (the staff) asked me "eh, u're doing the birthday thing rite?" and i said "yes". :) I even approached the mc and said "remember birthday celebration ar". I thought he will pass the time to me, as it is usually the case. Well, i was wrong. He did the announcement himself. U know, I was disappointed. Honestly, i feel that all the things that are so called VP's job, are alwiz taken by others. When i say VPs job, i am referring to what Gloria used to do when she was VP. Last week's rally i felt that way. THis week's rally oso i felt it. I may be pride. I hate it when i fall into being proud. And, i can't help but feel that people think i'm not ON for the job. And den comes a deeper sin - i question "THEn, why am i the VP?" I'm the only one in the whole entire exco who is not doing anything for NAv!! Wah, this sux man! I hate it when i feel that way. I struggle with it. But i still fall! Aihh....Lord, may You please forgive me!! I'm sorry Lord! I know that waaay deeep dooown, i feel that as long as Your will is done, even if i had a contributing factor to it or not, it shouldn't bother me. So long as Your name is glorified can edi!! but, I am not able to take on that mentality sometimes. So, Forgive me O LORD...

I'm sinful and I am weak. I fail Him over and over again! Sorry Lord. Help me to cling on to u daily. :) My aim : to glorify U in everything!!! Strengthen our relationship O Lord. Nothing else is more important!! :)I Love You Lord!!!

And to all who received the mail about the change in address, ermm...sorry i flooded it with the whole siew yuk thing. haha....but remember, i am easily satisfied? I go to MunOnn's blog and look at the siew yuk picture we took during supper on the last nite i was back in KL. Our last supper - until many more years when we will see each other again. So..haha, edgar, DON'T go and buy siew yuk! If u read this, DON'T go! COZ i will feel really REALLY bad!!! The fact that u want to buy it for me is like a darn big thing for me edi. I'm darn grateful! but still, DON'T!!!! PLEASEEEE....

God, i know u're doing something! I know it....Let me not procrastinate in doing the things u want me to do. But, can u please do me a big favour? The guilty thingy after Thursday? I know U want me to do it. I want to do it as well. But, haha. Haven't found the time to do it yet. So, please?

I'm horrible!
God is gracious!

...

Rite now, i'm just so dead tired.

but, i have to let this out :

Lord, you know how i feel exactly. ONLY u know! No one else does! No one!! No one will understand....ANd, i don't blame them coz i know that people who has heard of these issues do want to care and actually want to help me out. But, haha....they can't understand as much as you do. No one does. No one has the slightest clue as to what on earth is going on.

I sound serious. Now, am I?

Honestly, i tell you....

I am so confused. I don't know what my heart is feeling. I'm sure we all have been there before rite. U don't know what ur heart is telling you. AND, it sux!! and it hurts....it hurts so much. I will not elaborate too much. But, it hurts....Aih....It's painful!

But, i believe with all my heart...time and time again, God has proven Himself to be true to all that He has said!! He has never left me nor forsaken me! He will never!! i have experienced it before! :)

God will do all the necessary things needed to make sure that i am fine and that all will be fine!! By human terms not fine oso nvm...all i expect and want God to do, above my struggle is that at the end of the day, i be the person God wants me to be! I have prayed for prunning at the beginning of this semester.Now, that explains a bit as to why i am having stuggles after struggles...but, yes...bring me closer to You...bring me closer to who You wants me to be....bring me closer to do the things You want me to do....Bring me Closer!!!

Other than that, i am fine....

I dowan to bluff oso...
Of course, i oso wish that God will give me the other desires of my heart....But, all in God's hands...
Whatever!
I allign my will according to Yours!!!

God, u be there!!!Stay close....

Depressed

Aih....

Lots of things went through my tiny little brain and heart today.

I had a good talk with Sarah today. She's still struggling. It's alrite. We all grow stronger after that. But, hey girl, u're not alone. And, i guess...i wanted her to know that she's not alone in this and that i am not going to go to her and look as if i was mentoring her but going to her as a friend. 2nd year of NUS and she's a good close friend!! :)

Yeah....so, it was on my mind.

It disturbed me. I dowan to admit it. I dowan even to think about it....it's NOOOOO......

And, don't ask me what it is! Haha....

Liren found my blog! DAng!! But, it's alrite...i trust him. I was thinking of leaking my blog out anyway...hahaha....as in, email friends whom i'm close to to tell them of my blog....but, havent gotten down to doing it. and the fact no one asked, prolly no one reads anyway. So, its alrite...hahah

Thanks Liren for the chat we had earlier on. Or, as ur friends said "Counselling" session. hehe...It's been a super long time since we last chatted rite? LOONG time....
But, it was good. And, thanks for being there! REally!! Thanks!! I was rather down and i just wanted to talk to someone. Too bad u werent a girl, i would have given u a big big hug if u were! Haha.....But, thanks...i guess, having someone to talk to about it gives great relieve. I dont have many ppl to talk to about it. but, haha...havent exactly been in the mood to want to talk to anyone about it anyway! So, shucks!! hahah

Pride....
That was what was on my mind during BS.

Lord, I'm sorry for the sin i've committed....I'm sorry Lord for taking pride. I know I should be giving thanks for the things u've given me..for the gifts and talents but I havent been grateful! SORRY.....I guess, Lord...i really hate pride so much i dowan to have a single thing to do with it. And I rather have nothing to be proud about....but i also know i am super low self-esteem fella! I oso donno...On one hand if i ask u to take away everything, i might just end up depressed...but now that i have most things that ppl wish for, i dowan it coz i end up being darn proud. I am sorry LORD!! SORRY...SORRY....SORRY...SORRY....
PLease forgive me...
U know best how to deal with me....

:)

I leave it all in ur hands....

Anyone else who visited this blog, u better say HIE in the tagboard!! Coz either u were not suppose to be here or u accidently found out before i told u. So, pls...SAY HIE in my tagboard..or comment!! Just, acknowledge ur presence....pls pls pls....

I Love You...

I do not know what to entitle my post as. There are a bit of a messed-up thoughts in my head rite now.

First of all, i think i owe God a bit apology. I am very very sorry Lord! I am sorry for not being fair to you by adding the post i did last nite. And i know that in as much as what i said in there is true, but blogging when you're depressed and/or angry might not be able to express the exact and true way you are feeling.

I love the Lord.
And all i ever want to do is to live my life that is pleasing to Him.
If i ever do want to seek approval, He is the one whom i seek it from - like what adrian says : for the audience of One.
ok, of course we have to remember that we are here as ambassadors for Christ as well and because of that we have to bring ourselves around properly not because we want people to say we're good or whatever but because we know our identity - as children of God, as ambassadors for God's great big kingdom. And we want to reflect our identity to make people see what great a Father we have!

Luke 12:6-7
Are not 5 sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of the sparrows is forgotten before God. But the very hair of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

To a large extend, God wanted to remind me again, that He loves me....Loves me waaayy much more than I think He does and way much more than I deserve.

I was doing my quiet time and these were the words i stumbled upon:

David made a choice to trust in God.
You see, what struck me is this : David made a CHOICE.

I've been hearing this from the Lord. That it's all about choices. It's easy for me to fall into depression and stay there...and be sad forever and ever....and the bad thing about it is that i can't control my feelings as much as some people do (I'm not saying that it's a good thing ar) In fact, i think it is when we are not strong, when we are vulnerable that we depend more and more on God and we know that HE can make us strong. It is when we are weak that He is made strong! So, I really have a choice to make everytime.

TO serve Him or not...
To trust Him or not...
To hope in Him or not..
TO have faith in Him or not...
To believe or not...
To be depressed or not...
To be cheerful or not...

Most of these questions are so rethoric that prolly only when we're not in the right frame of mind, i'll choose to say NO to these questions...yeap yeap yeap...

Anyway.....make a choice....

I'll quote a few verses in the bible that spoke to me today. And speaks of my cry..

Psalm 31 - it all speaks about the cry of our hearts. And you know what? As i read this Psalm, i somehow feel that it is relevant to Edgar as well. i donno why i had such thoughts but i am hesitant about telling edgar about it. I'll pray about it.

Anyway...the verses that stood out to me are:

v1- In You, O LORD, I put my trust ; Let me never be ashamed ; Deliver me in Your righteousness.
v3 - For You are my rock and my fortress; thereofre, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me
v23- Oh, love the Lord, all you HIS saints! For the Lord preserves the faithful, and fully repays the proud person.
v24- Be of good courage. And He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord...

Yeah...so, those were my cry!

I love you Lord!!!

One of my fav songs :

I love you Lord,
And I lift my voice,
to worship You,
Oh my soul, REJOICE.
Take joy my KING,
In what YOU hear.
May it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear.

New blog address....

I've just decided to change my blog address. Kinda rash decision. I don't care. I don't want to blog as if i owe some people some sort of explanation or feel really damn obliged to say the nicest things on earth for ppl to feel good. I want to feel a bit more open about things. More honest about things. that only ONLY my closer friends can view my blog. no one else should. It sux to hear myself saying this but yeah, BLEAH....

Man, i feel DARN depressed. It's like....i'm so darn depressed that i've got no other words to say liao. Lemme just say that a few more times, i'm darn darn darn depressed. But, why??? WHY???

I'm so depressed that i viewed Jon's blog to laugh at the short football clip...Man, the second one is darn funny. I couldn't even see arv's PEACE sign coz his hands were so dark and he lifted his hands to his face. How lar to see....Anyway, it was entertaining...I read all the funny comments on Shel's blog...Topher's blog...looked at Munonn's blog but nothing is up yet. Eh, u dont hilang ar!!! Start blogging again...but nvm, i look at the siew yuk pics to keep me entertained!! I am so darn depressed....

I really want to talk to someone close but no one is online now....DANG....
But on the other hand, i dowan to bother people. I dowan to around complaining about how depressed i am and den depressed them.....ahhhh shucks...

I've just finished talking to Su, Jon and Shelby.
And i'm feeling way much better now.

I really miss home...
It was really nice talking to them....
It was really REALLY nice talking to my low kong!! It's been some time since we chatted so long eh. Ahh....I really miss you....And thanks for talking and even gossip-ing...hehehe

let me think about how i felt and why i was depressed....

I've been thinking about this one question lately...

God said to me a week ago that He will give me the desires of my heart.
When He said that to me, the ONLY thought that was in my head was none other than him....
So, i thank God and happily went on my way doing my other stuff.
Lord, i am sinful and i am weak. Sorry!!! Sorry!!! Sorry!!!

I am sooo weak and sooo sinful....

i ask myself again what are the desires of my heart.

yeah yeah yeah....

I want to get married at 23.
I want to get married to him.
I want to be a good wife.
I want to be a good mother.
I want to serve HIM...
I want to be a good child of God.
I want to be a missionary.
I want to be backing my husband up in any ministry that he is in.
I want to go to India.

but my heart is divided. is torn. is heartbroken.

On one hand, i really want to get married.
On the other hand, i don't mind being single.
Then, i will serve HIM with all my heart, soul and strength and mind...
THen, i will serve HIM without dividing my heart...
Then, i will be able to really live my life leaning on HIM as my lover...strengthening my love relationship with HIM....

I guess, God wants us to "enjoy" life as well rite?
Sacrifices are made because i want to please Him...because i love Him....
Aarrrggghh...i donno....
I know God wants me to "enjoy" the things that He has given me...

I like what Shelby said...
I called her and told her i was depressed....yeap yeap yeap....

She said : I should enjoy it...

To a large extend, i do...i enjoy loving him...even though it hurts a lot at times....even though it's like DANG!! I wish i had no such feelings...But, i can't deny it. i enjoy it.

I was reading edgar's blog...haha....if u ever want to know why i don't disturb u when u're online its mainly because i know u're struggling with something and the worse friend i can be is go and stuck my head into ur comp and say, I GOT PROBLEM. NOW, HELP ME!!!

Actually, if i read the message history of what i said to him, it should be something nice. but, nope! I am not very happy. it sux but it's alrite...

I am single...not looking coz i've got my eyes on one person...believing in what God has said...waiting patiently. Ok, NOT very successful in that...but, i'm weak! I need YOUR help O LORD!!!

Help me to be faithful....

Diana and Serene's PMR examination is over!! YAY.....
Girls, i don't say this enuff, but i am missing you girls so much...Because i love you girls so much and to see the way you are growing in the Lord is making me so proud of you girls....I pray that you will really continue to grow and grow and never give up trying to grow!! It hurts but hey, no pain, no gain!! hehe...

back to him...

it hurts....

David commented today, "You seem very cheerful"...haha, when don't i? Of course, when i decide to show my uncheerfulness la...

I think most ppl have something to alwiz cover up how they are feeling inside rite?
Let me be really frank with you and tell you what is the mask i wear.
It's called : Cheerfulness and laughter.
I laugh A LOT when i'm depressed. A LOT!!!
I smile A LOT....
I help people to do things A LOT.
I talk to people.....but, alwiz asking bout them..
Bottomline is this : Talk about anything in the world but me. If not, don't talk at all...

I know God has been good...
He never gave up on me...
Even at my low low emotional state, He still spoke of HIs love for me...
Sometimes, i just get so overwhelmed by my own depression that i shut off whatever God is trying to say. but, i know God is speaking. i just dowan to listen.
I'm such a pest!!!!
I'm sorry Lord...
Forgive me LORd....
SORRY...SORRY...SORRY....SORRY....SORRY....

Please help me to LOVE you back......
Serve YOu in the way You want me to....
Honour You the way You want me to....
Glorify You the way You want me to...
May You have YOUR way in me!!!

Nite!

Accidently in love...

You know, my blog isn't anymore a personal journal. Waay too many people read my blog edi. I'm ok with it but if u don't see many blog posts for a very long time, it's because i have my other alternatives... :)

If you don't already know, i'm someone who treasures honesty very much but honesty must be practised with wisdom as well. So, there are some things that i just gotta keep away from you fellow bloggers ah...sorry!

I'm listening to Counting Crows' Accidently in love, hence the post title.
And, thus it even exist? Can u be accidently in love?

*put on my thinking cap*

I don't think so. It's about choice isn't it. I mean, there's a milliom nice people out there...There are plenty of pretty and sweet and good girls out there....there are plenty of good natured guys out there too.....But, why do we end up with only one? Coz we choose him/her above the rest....

I didn't know that NUS has a bazaar again. Man, they are really turning NUS into a shopping centre!! GOOO AWAY....Why entice students into spending money over stuffs like bags? jewelleries? bikini? Yuckkksss....

There are only 3 things that i look for at a bazaar,
(1) BOOKS...
(2) Milo TRUCK...
(3) THings that i mite be able to buy for friends whose birthday are near....
I seldom achieve the third one coz i just normally get so fed-up with it that i just walk pass these stalls....But, MILO truck! Now, that's something. Goodness, if u're from NUS, u MUST go for the milo truck!! It's a must!!! It's MILO Truck!!!!

I bumped into a friend today (wasn't even suppose to-esp at that time) and he said, "the milo truck is here.." Aaaahhhh...milo truck...too bad i had a full day today! Ish...so irritating. i don't care! The milo truck better be there tmr....i dont care!! I want milo!!! esp from the milo truck!!!

I'm gonna go to bed early today. I don't feel like staying up today. There's work but i just dont feel like staying up today. Sianz....hearts trembling....hearts aching....But, God's speaking....I'm listening....again involves choice. I'll be fine...:)
God has HIS way of doing things....

Anyway.....yeah...gonna go to sleep early coz i want to wake up early tmr! Ciaoz.....