The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot

I've been procrastinating about meeting God about an issue that has been troubling me. The bad thing about me is that I lie to myself in order to justify the things that I do. If I am running away from the problem, I lie to myself and say that there is no such problem. But deep down, I know there is such problem. I'm quite silly and I make obtuse decisions. I have been able to talk to God about everything under the sun except this one issue. Aih, it troubles me. It troubles me because the fact that this is happening shows how serious this issue is and how much it matters to my heart. But, my unwillingness to face it just hinders me from breaking out victoriously of this issue.
Sigh....

But, I thank God for the gracious way of showing me that I need to turn back to HIM and I need to get back right with HIM concerning this issue. I need to seek HIM. I cannot be doing this. I guess, being rebuked is not always the best thing to hear but it's really God's grace that i'm experiencing. If God never showed me, I'd be struggling with this for a long, long time. Which sucks!

God is good!!!

God is gracious.....

Somehow, this song reflects a little of how I feel.....FYI, Switchfoot is a christian band...
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It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?


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Goodnight.

Can time stop for me?

So, I brought my luggage to the test on friday and people gave me suprised looks. I left immediately after having lunch at YIH - well, I was glad I planned to go for the lunch thing because a fellow exco member who was suppose to go for lunch with me decided not to go and did not plan to have someone to take his place. Anywayz, I left Singapore and reached KL about 7:30pm. Family picked me up from Puduraya Bus Terminal and it was packed jam and I didn't go home but went straight to Yin Ngai's house for the bachelorette party. We left about 10:45pm and then we went to Yueen San's house.

So, Shelby, YueenSan and myself were there and then Joshua came about 12pm. Shelby left at 1am whilst me and Joshua stayed till 3 plus. Joshua then send me home - so grateful for that! I couldn't sleep - excited for Yin Ngai and Felix maybe? hehe....So, by the time I actually slept I think it was 4 plus. I woke up bout 6 plus and den got ready to go to Yin Ngai's house. The groom and his guys were suppose to be there by 8:30. Why wake up so early then? First, Yin Ngai's mom wanted us to be there early, so okay lor. Secondly, I had no idea what I was gonna wear for the church service, so, I had to wake up earlier to decide.

The whole thing went on quite well. I ended up recording the proceedings of the wedding for Weng Yan, who couldn't be there because she had to go for lab lessons in UPM.

After wedding, went to 1U to paint our nails - so vain!! haha....well, not really. We wanted to take the opportunity to just do something for ourselves and to look nice - nice nails! But because we are all cheapskates people, we went for the cheapest store! haha.....Got home and rested for 30minutes before went and did my stupid hair and make-up. Yes, Jee Lee make up and did her hair!!! Never ever in my entire life, I thought of doing that. But because it was my dear friend's wedding, I thought okay, I will do it!! So, i did it! Took loads of pictures!!! When I have them, I'll post them online! I think we were the vainest group in the entire wedding. The official photographer took so many pictures of us because we'd go and do some funny poses and he'll say, do it again and take pictures of us. Aiseh, damn paiseh man! haha....But, it was darn funny la....

By the time we left the hotel, it was close to 12 midnite. The amount of crazy things we did - darn funny la!

I was darn happy because of all the people in the church, we were the first table and got the best sitting position....and yay!!! we have bigger priority!! hahaha...

Anyway, I'm soo happy for Yin Ngai and Felix. Mr. & Mrs. Cat!!! hahaha :)

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A lot has been touched on during Bible Study today. Although I was only there for 1 hour. Aih, I guess, a lot of things that Bernard said were sensitive things on me mind and heart. Aih.....I need to do some serious reflecting man!!!

Aih....God, help me to believe....please Lord!!! Help me to be obedient!!!!

*weeps*

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Pray for me will you? There's a looooot of work to do. I'm super hard pressed for time!

Fruitful...

Had a pretty fruitful day! :)

I got a little unhappy this morning when I wanted to munch in the library - because we're not suppose to. Although I rationalised and said that, the library allows us to munch - but not eat heavy stuff (if not, what's the cupboard outside the library for? - it's for storing cook food). But, still I know I was rationalising and I know that God probably wasn't too pleased with what I was doing. Sinning is one thing, rationalising about it is another thing.

Had lunch with Sarah! :) So happy because it's been so long since I had lunch with her lor. hehe...

Had a project meeting afterward - with Serene, Matthew and Adeline. Hehe...We ended up watching the movie for the text we're suppose to write a report on - Much Ado About Nothing. I tell you, it was so damn funny. Read the book enuff to make u laugh, can u imagine watching the movie?? I think all of us made so much noise in the viewing room (while watching the movie). I noted something, Matthew is such a gentleman! I'm impressed. Haha..... You can't blame me - i've not met many gentlemen like him. Can fight with Noel edi.... ahaha

Had a good chat with Yu Han as well. :)

Edgar and I sms-ed each other when we were just sitting in front of each other. So funny! I recall how Jon and I would MSN each other when we were sitting next to each other. Nonetheless, nothing can beat that session of MSN la....We were laughing out heads off at the CC. Before I type anything out, he edi know what I wanna say. it was so irritating yet damn funny! Haha....

Okay....

I'm gonna go and pack my bags edi and den go to sleep. I'm going back to KL tmr. I reached Singapore Wednesday night and on Friday afternoon, I'll be leaving Singapore for KL. This is craziness! And on Sunday afternoon, I'll be leaving KL for Singapore. Wah, I travel like this, how not to be professional traveller? I'm very tired - honestly! and super stressed because there's work to do as well. But, I'm enjoying every bit of it only because it's a close friend's wedding!

Goodnight!

Realisation sucks

A friend already blogged about what happened yesterday. I'm still sorry nonetheless. I saw his face turning red in anger and so I knew I just blew it off. So, Bleah...Sorry. It is when things like this happen that I get a little piss with myself. I don't think it's because I'm being too hard on myself. But, its because, I know we made the effort to meet up and den I must say something that blows people off and then the nite ends with everyone going home in silence. And the thing that I'm pissed with is that I did not try to hold my tongue back at all. It just came out like that. Aih....

A friend a few days ago commented on my sarcasm and of course I denied. But, I'm honest. I don't think I'm very sarcastic. I think I fail at that. I think I don't have what it takes to be sarcastic. But, I'm still thinking....if what my friend commented about me is true, then I must really take a special effort to be less sarcastic. First of all, it pissed people off - not everyone can catch my sarcasm and laugh about it. Honestly, if I am ever sarcastic, I'm not there to make u feel stupid. I just do it for laugh sake albeit the fact that it's not funny! Aih....If only I realised that it's not funny! I still make sarcastic comments and laugh about it - oblivious to the hurt it has done to the other person. :( But the most important reason to be pissed is that, it's very clear in the Bible that we shall not be jesters. Aih.

Again, dude...sorry.

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I respect you - really! I've not met any peers that gained so much respect from me as u have. But, I've failed to see that I've turned that respect to something deeper. And I shouldn't have. I thank you for telling me what you think about it -and trying your best to not hurt me. But as I think about what you said, I struggle even harder to dig into the deep and burn them all. I find it extremely difficult and I question my own heart about this issue. Why does our heart battle with something that we know we can never get? Why do we want to fight a losing battle?
Sigh.....

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I'm somehow wishing I took the effort to meet up with Daniel. I won't be around for the thanksgiving dinner. Sorry. My family will represent me. haha....

:)

Stressed le...

Very tired. Like I said in a previous post, rest will only come 2nd week of March. :(

I'm back in KL only for 4 days though. I'm leaving for Singapore tmr afternoon. I have a test on friday and then I will leave right after my test hopefully to reach KL in time for the bachelorette party and then the next day it's the big day!

The week after that I'll be crazily busy.

News : My greatgrandmother is in the hospital. I visited her yesterday. Didn't feel too good about it. I hate hospitals and especially so when I see close ones in lying in the hospital beds. Sucks man!

Aih......

A lot of work to do. Trying to maximise the 24 hours I have. Some things just have to go though! :(

I've gotta go now.

Pleased!

I'm so very tired from running around again today! Nonetheless, it was a good day!

I slept very late last nite trying to finish up my presentation prep, handout and blogging of course. Blogging is my way of unwinding of all the happenings of the day. And I had to get up early this morning. I have to because I have not photocopied the handouts yet. So, I have to get up early enough to get ready to go to school, have my devotions and den photocopy the handouts. Thank God for Adrian's morning wake up call! :)

Went to school - happy, because I was early and did not rush. I hate it when I have to rush to do something. Then, I walked to the library to find out that the library photocopying room will oni be open at 9am! Our presentation is at 9am! Oh no.....Panicked! Walked all the way to AS7 just to check whether the CBLC is open so that I can photocopy the handouts there. Reached there and see the same sign - Open oni at 9am! Oh no.....Panicked! Called Adrian and asked how now? Thank God for Adrian again. He directed me to the library where there are photocopying machines which aren't in the photocopying room. Found my way to a section where there are a few of photocopying machines. Start the machines and was on my way to photocopy the handouts. Later, Adrian, Michelle and Pei Wen came and help me out. :) So, we managed to finish on time.

Oh, I cannot forget to include this, MILO truck was here today!!! I had in total 5 cups today!!! hehe

Got to the classroom. Our presentation went on smoothly. I didn't have time to finish my part because one of our group mates took too long to finish her part. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed the presentation. It was really funny! Really! My lecturer enjoyed it, my classmates enjoyed it! It was awesome! I've never had such a fun presentation before. We did funny things - embarassing ourselves but it was fun! Thank God for it all.

After lesson, went to the library. Bumped into Matthew. Left my begs where he had left his. :) Then, I saw Liren. Had a good chat with him. Brother, I know how you feel, more than that, take comfort that God knows how you feel too and He not only knows, He cares and He wants to show you a way out!! Had lunch with him and by the time I got back to the library, Gillian was there. So, I studied with her. :)

Before I left for home, I went to The Forum with Jie Yao and Jeremy. Then, I had to go to the ATM. Walking there, I thought I heard someone call out my name. But, I look around and saw no one. Then, I dismissed it thinking that I was just hearing things. I alwayz hear things wan. So, I tot it was just one of that lar. Then, I saw Edgar and LIREN!!! They were the ones who shouted my name lar! Ish......But it was really nice to see the two of them! Haha....

Got home. Wanted to study but heard that there'll be a dinner at home. So, I went back to the Central Library to study. Was there with James until about 9pm. Then, I went to Beach Rd to get my bus tix to go back home. :)

I feel dead tired but a great sense of accomplishment. I finished 2 readings for Child Language. Child Language readings are super long and super tough. But I manage to finish 2 of it. Wow!! And got my tix! Wow! I tot I wouldn't have time to do it. But, I did! Wow!!!

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Something scary happened today.
Someone came up to me and said the dreadful 3 words.
All I did was smiled back at him - trying to not make it look so awkward and pretending as if I'm not disturbed when in actual fact I was superbly disturbed. But, since my facial expressions always always betrays me, I think he knew how I felt. hehe

You know why it's scary? It's because altho we've been friends for more than a year, I can't even remember his name(!!) but he remembers every single thing I've said before. And he even brought his KL friends to come meet me today.

Scary!

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Goodnight people.

It's been a good day. A small scary incident can't spoil it. We'll be friends anyway! :)
Thank God for today....

Run run run....tired tired tired

I'm super tired today. Run around like a crazy woman. I had class, then evangelism, then project meeting, then rush to send out ppt slides and prepare handouts, then rush for seminar, now trying to finish preparing for the presentation and also the cutting of movie clips. Sigh. This is so tiring.

I won't have much rest until the 2nd week of March. Quite sad eh?

I just realised how much I am like my mother and father - through the seminar. It was a seminar on homosexuality. Funny how different emotions and thoughts were evoked through a seminar as this. Well, it was more like an Understanding gender kinda seminar. Good one!

And we were just thinking about perceived rejection. And I thought, I think I easily fall into a perceived rejection mind-set. At the slightest inclination that people don't care for me, I take it as rejection. I mean, take for instance my relationship with Jeremy. He doesn't show he cares anymore, I take it that he would want to keep his distance from me. We are people who need affirmation - not for what we've done (performance) but for who we are (character). And we asians lack that so much! Myself included. Aih.....And we don't realise how important it is to affirm one another of the goodness that is in them.

I'll write more another day. Today I'm just superbly exhausted. It's crazy!! Goodnite peeps. :) And I have pictures to upload too.... YAy!!!!

:)

I am super tired today. I was super tired yesterday, and it didn't get better today. With a full day and also lack of sleep last nite, it just didn't make my day any better.

The entire NUS is filled with bazaar and all selling things for valentine's day. One point I noted was that most of the things sold are for girls. Hmm....Girls dont buy things for guys wan meh? I'm sure they do.....at least, I hope they do.

Was having a project group meeting today at the forum. They were blasting music and it was such a disturbance to our project meeting. Adrian was being a kind soul and going down to them to ask them to lower down the volume.

Shelb, if you're reading this, they played "Addicted" over and over again and needless to say, it brought back plenty of memories. hehe.....

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Today as I went for my lecture today, I bump into a friend. He has a very nice way of phrasing his question. haha....Basically, he wanted to ask me whether I was attached anot and whether I will be celebrating V-day tmr anot. And he was suprised to hear that I am still single. Haha... (don't think funny thoughts ar u people!)

When I saw his suprised look, I remember what a friend always always say. She always look at me and ask " Jee Lee, why are you still single? If I were a guy, I'd ask you to be my gf edi lor." Waah.....when her face crossed my mind and I recall her very frequent question, it hit me! I hated the feeling of "yah, why am I still single ar?" I hate to think that I've fallen into the way-singles-feel-on-vday. Aih! When I think of the question that my friend has for me, i just think of him and sigh. Sigh because it's been longer than I expect it to be.

Nevertheless, I remember about today's devotion - to give thanks no matter what!

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I'm tired. I will go to sleep soon. I've loads to do but I won't do them today. I will do them tmr. hehe.....I'm sleepy now. Goodnites!

ps: Don't worry. I'm fine. :) It's when I take a glance off God that I get a little upset with the whole situation. But, when my glances gets back on God, I'm more than fine! :)

*shhh*

As I talk to Jingz, I know I'll miss her. I'll remember her and I'll pray for her. Hah! She touched a more sensitive part in me today. I didn't want to talk to her about it but since she's gonna leave and she's asking, so I briefly told her about it.

I hope no one will ask anymore.

I'm not ready to talk about it.

So, shhhhhhh

Finding the reason

I had a very bad ending to my day yesterday. I cried myself to sleep or rather, I was crying so badly that I had to sleep before I start wailing.

I shall not go into detail as to why I cried. I basically felt very lonely, very unloved, community-less. It's not easy living abroad and not having your community of comfort with you. A series of events took place that made me feel not only lonely and unloved, but angry and disappointed with a certain group of people.

Then, reading a friend's blog made me cry even more. I guess, reading about having two sides to a person and how this friend of mine have been portraying one particular side of himself more than the other reminded me how much hurt he has caused me and in the course of it, made me oblivious to the anger I held towards him. But, as I read about it, I felt that, either he choose to reveal himself this way to be in purpose to hurt me or it happened without him realising as well and that if I got angry with him, it was pretty unfair towards him. We've had this conversation before - about the real him. In essence, I think he's a gentle man, a sensitive man - because I am confirmed that he is born again in Christ. So, I know he is a person whom he might not see as himself. But, because he was blinded to see this other part of him, he thought he was becoming more and more the real him. And because he was acting the way he thinks he is, he hurt me and became an intimidating person to me. I got frightened and drew myself away from him. I remember the 2 five-hour long conversations we had. In those times, I was not intimidated by you. And I now realise why. It's because you were this gentle, sensitive person. You guided me to see me and you were very gentle in your ways. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable to me. You allowed me to see the weak side of you. You didn't portray yourself to be this infallable person. You basically showed me that you're as weak as I am, you're as vulnerable as I am, you need God as much as I do. And in those times, I was not intimidated by you. During those times, I feel I could connect with you.

And I cried when I read all those things you wrote and the meanings it had for me because I was discouraged and sad with the way our friendship is because of a seemingly simple matter - who the real you is. And therefore, who I perceived you to be.

Today, I took the time to ask God a few things. Reasons why I was so down yesterday. Reasons why I cried uncontrollaby. I understood why.

He was helping me to conquer this weakness of mine - discouragement.
He was showing me one way the devil works in lives of Christians and He oso opened my eyes to show me ways in which the devil is working in the ministry I'm involved in.

As I spoke to david, I also encouraged him to find out the reasons to why he is feeling the way he does, the reasons why the events took place the way it did.

I thank God for revealing things to me, pruning me, and moulding me to be a woman He wants me to be. :)

Aiiihh.....

This morning, I walked out of the house with a song stuck to my head and humming it as I walked to school, "How great is our God". And I was just happily praising Him as I sang the song and as I went to school. I asked myself, if things weren't so happy, will I still be able to sing this song?

Went to school. Had evangelism. I wasn't very encouraged. But, I've learnt a lot today. Not about ways to evangelise. But, I've learnt lessons on myself, on obedience.....

I'm sorry Lord. I really am. I will try my best to give some more thoughts to the issue and try to listen to you more about it. Well, Lord, only you know how much it hurts to be going back to those issues and You know how easy it is for me to listen to the lies the devil may plant. Because it was those times that he planted those lies in me and I believed them. So, to go back to those times is scary to me. Please protect my fragile heart O Lord. Help me to be completely obedient!

Somehow, tears feels like flowing out. Maybe it's about the same issue.

Somehow, the same song I hummed to this morning sounds like a sad song. It brings a little melancholic mood now.

I want to be alone....

Carry me??

Liren, what happened to you? Why did you go offline without saying bye? Why did you not reply my sms? I worry la. I hope you're okay. Praying for you.

When not-so-good things happen to us, we ask God, "why did You allow that to happen?" Without realising sometimes we're a bit too much. We put ourselves in the situation where we know we'd need help. So, we dump our feet into temptation and then we shout "Lord, help me fight this temptation." Aih....Are we stupid or what? Am I stupid?? I know I often do that. Aih.....

But, as I look back to the not-so-good things that happened to me, I realised why God allowed it to happen.

As I spoke to Liren today; As I spoke to Wei Ting today, I realised why. As I minister to people who went through the things that happened to me, I know why it happened to me. I'm not angry, although I silently wished that it didn't happen to me. Coz I struggle a little when I think a bit too much about it. If there is anyone to blame for what happened, it was solely me. Even if I tried to blame God, I can't! There's no reason for me to blame Him. It was all my doing. I'm still trying to see through what happened that my heart was good. Note : I'm still trying.

So, to a large extend, I thank God for using me and my past to minister to people. I might not be the biggest help of all to people, but I think people appreciate me because they can count on me for understanding their struggles and yet be able to give an opinion as a sister-in-Christ.

I'm a little tired but satisfied.

Why? Because God is using me and I can see that. Because God is working His plans out in my life. By faith, I see it. Scary as it seems what may be before me but I'm glad God's working and He's opening my eyes to see. :)

I've lots to thank God for.

My sickness is not really getting much better. Opps, my parents better not be reading this, if not, i'll be getting a call from them forcing me to go and see the doc.

I must mention this : my hairband broke today. I'm super unhappy with that. I need a hairband!! Someone get me a new hairband!!! the fine ones.....aih.....

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And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

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Cheerios~~

Loving people....

I was asleep when Karen called. Yes, it wasn't very late at night - it was only 9:30pm. My eye-lids were very heavy and my eyes ached. My nose ached from sniffing too much. It was funny and weird but when I tried to blew my nose hard just now, before going to bed, I felt a sharp pain in my right eye. *ouch* Maybe I should be concern about it? Maybe not.

Since I talked to Karen, I didn't feel like sleeping already. Got up and had a piece of bread and milk. And decided to blog.

Whenever I think about it, I don't know how to feel anymore. I used to be considerably close to this friend. Things suddenly took a 180 degree turn. We are no longer close to one another. The person who used to be my closest friend in Singapore now ends up being just a mere friend. Our conversations are mere "Hie" and "Bye"; "How are you?" and "Fine thank you." No more. Suprisingly, it doesn't hurt me anymore to see the relationship ended up like this. Although, I honestly hope that this doesn't happen to anymore other friendships.

This friend of mine has changed - in my opinion. He shows less love to people now. He doesn't bother much about others and how others feel. He doesn't have time to invest more into other ppl's lives anymore - esp those who whom he can't help. He invests only in lives of whom he can be of help to. He doesn't want to love those whom he finds unloveable or hard to love.

Sigh........

It is difficult to show love to those whom we find unloveable but if we only love those who are easy to love, then what different kind of love are we trying to preach? No difference from the world's meaning of love right?

To be fair, I guess, it's also difficult to invest in other ppl's lives or to show you care when you're attached. But, I don't see why many people can invest in other ppl's lives without it being detrimental to their love life but u can't do the same to yours. Don't because you have your special half, you neglect your friends. Well, to a large extend, I don't like being around when the love birds are together. Other people, I still can stand. But not you both. You make me wanna run far away from the two of you. I don't think there's anything wrong with being loving. But, being loving to each other oso must have your own space. Make people feel uncomfortable? At any moment when I see the two of you together, I'd run. I rather be alone. I rather do the thing I dislike the most - eating alone than to be with you both.

Sigh.....

I've given up on our friendship. I'm not even thinking of getting close to you any longer. You have given me signs that our friendship doesn't matter much to you. You no longer bother about me. I used to be darn hurt about it. But, I'm accepting it. And I'm playing the game according to your rule. I'm fine. :) I really am. :)

I just hope that you don't stop loving others. Don't stop loving others because there's someone who's sucking all the love from you. If I know the source of your love, you should never run out of love, you should never be tired of loving people. So, that's my prayer.

*sigh*

Bye bye Nicholas.....

Funny guy. Came online just to say bye bye.....
Well, I pray you'll enjoy ur NS training in Brunei, though impossible as it seems. But, u never know.

Went shopping today. Why like every week oso go shopping wan?? haha.....I think next week oso I've to go shopping with david.

I had a pretty good day. :)

Aih...I hate it when sunday ends. Because that means no more holidays edi. Monday start busy days. Some people even worse, no rest days. But, i dont care! My weekends are untouchable.

Weng Soon called me yesterday. He was in Singapore. Wanted to go to church together but because of inconvenience, we decided to go to different church. He's back at home edi. I called WengYan and she says he's back.

Yay! Joshua and Li Yee is invited for the dinner. :)

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Heal the world
Make it a better place
for you and for me and the entire human race
there are people dying
if you care enough for the living
make a better place
for you and for me

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if you care enough for the living, if you care enough for me, would you make this a better place? But you don't care!

Smallville - Season 4 episode 3 - Facade

Is it all a façade?

I don’t really know.
I feel like there’s so much that’s hidden in me. There’s so much to reveal but I don’t know what. I tell myself (Of course with God's prompting) that I need to be the real me,that was the 2006 year resolution.

Now, the question that leaves me dumbfounded : But, who is the real me? Do I really really know?
I’m not too sure.

I want to cry out “God, show me that my heart is good and that my heart matters to You!” Yet, my heart aches too much. It’s been through the wilderness. Out of the wilderness, it comes out injured. I gather leaves and herbs to heal it. But, it leaves a scar. I might not notice the scar because often I’m in denial. I WAS in the wilderness. I WAS hurt. But, I’ve been healed. It’s all in the past. There’s no way I’m still hurting. There’s no way there’s still something there that twigs a little when it’s poked. It’s fine! or so I think....

But but but, I know that it’s not because it’s been haunting me lately. And when it does, I feel like I’m sinning. I’m going back to the past. I’m committing my sin over and over again. I’m going through the wilderness out of my own disobedience. I’m going to get hurt again. I cannot do that. I need to get out. I cannot sin again.

So, I run as far as my legs can take me. But, what if God is answering my prayer? What if I really need to go back to the wilderness and to the hurt in order to discover the real me ; to discover that my heart is good and that my heart matters to God? What if God wants to show me the reason behind my sinfulness? What if all this is necessary?

Will I be willing to pay this cost? Will I be willing to be hurt once more to come out more triumphant and my scar totally removed?

If my heart is full of scars, then I really am oblivious to the beauty that’s suppose to be in existence. Then, I’m living below many layers of untruth. I'm like shrek. I am like onions. Then, it’s all a façade.

If it is all a façade, then there’s much to be unveil.

Am I willing to unveil it all?

Am I willing to come out of this façade?

Huh?

Most of the new year celebration accounts that I read (blogs) or heard of sounds boring, pointless and not much of chinese new year mood. That makes me sad. And wonder.....

I thank God because I had a pretty good chinese new year celebration. Well, reunion meals for 3 consecutive days is super good for me. Not the food merely. But the company. :) Once in a while, we let down our guards on the waistline lor hor. hehe....

After my grandma passed away a few years ago, the family seldom gather together. And sometimes, we even find it difficult to gather during chinese new year, which is definitely a sad case. But, I really thank God for arranging this year's reunion dinner and cny celebration to be something that brought the family together. It's been so long since I've had my aunties and uncles around and I think seeing how they help out in the preparing of food and how they bonded with my parents through that carved a smile in my face. :) Seeing the happy faces on my parents, siblings, cousins, aunties and uncles....priceless!

Of course, I get to speak my mother tongue. I only speak my mother tongue with my relatives and wengyan. haha..... I don't speak it fluently but I enjoy speaking the least I can and of course learning to improve on it. Speaking hakka makes me feel chinese? haha....or makes me feel like I belong to some specific group of people? haha...I donno.

I envy the older generation where they marry each other who speaks the same dialect. It's so fun. My parents are of different dialects. So, we are suppose to learn 2 dialects? My paternal grandma baby-sitted me. So, I was brought up knowng hakka but not hainanese. Opps. (My father is hakka while my mother is hainanese)

Next time, I should make sure I marry a hakka too. Then, my children learns pure hakka. Of course my husband should be able to speak the dialect fluently la. haha....

Joshua, holiday right? Come to Singapore!!!
I think Weng Soon is suppose to be here in Singapore today too. hmmmmm......

I'm writing all these just to avoid the one thing that is bothering me.

Chinese New Year

I'm sick!!! I rarely fall sick nowadays - maybe only after cny and christmas. Haha, I wonder why?! (I think it's pretty obvious isn't it?)

I look at myself in the mirror today and was disgusted. I can't believe that I even look sick! Argh. I don't mind being sick as long as I don't look sick! I'm weird! But, argh.....Now people are gonna look at me and perpetually be asking me "Are you ok?" Oh no!!!!

I just collected data for my project just now. No choice. Presentation of data on friday. We had to do it today. We gotta also put into consideration the child's free time. We have to record baby talks for 30 minutes. Sianz siah. So, we gotta liase with the child's parents/caretaker. Yeap. Now, I feel like a piece of junk! I feel horrible.....

CNY was awesome. My family practically had reunion meals for 3 days! With all my aunties and uncles over at my house for every single meal. It was good food - definitely! Have I ever mentioned that my uncle is a chef? Haha... So, we had good food. I guess, the adults had a good time cooking together. My uncle, father, mother, aunties cook. The children played. Me? I didn't do much work. I played most of the time. See, my uncle just became a father about 3 weeks ago. So, my mom being the eldest sister-in-law, is taking care of the mother and child. So, there's this 3 weeks old baby in the house. What do I do? hehe...U guess....
I also have a 7 month old cousin. So, I again did the obvious. Oh my, she's so smiley.....I couldn't get my eyes off her. I even looked at her sleep. She's so adorable. My aunt says my baby cousin reminds her of me. Oh really??! *so proud of myself!* :) hahaha.....

I need to rest more. I really don't wanna go and see the doctor. So, I'm gonna rest as much as I can so that I don't need to go and see the doctor. Yeap. So, i'll go and rest now.

I hope you all had a good Chinese New Year and continue to have. Esp to fellow malaysians who have plenty of holidays!!!!! Don't tell me when you start school. I already know! Hmmmmppphhh....geram betul.....

Ish....