It will all be a-okaaaay!

At 2am, my stomach is telling me it needs feeding. So sorry, stomach, it’s 2am. Technically, that means that it’s too late to feed you.

My roommate just looked at my stack of notes and she said “Wah, only into the third week of school and your notes are so thick ar?” yeap. They are piling up. Third year is no joke man.

I am a little (okay, a little might be an understatement) overwhelmed by work.

I have in my hand ministry & school work. School work divides into 5 because there are 5 modules. Ministry divides into two parts, the administrative part which includes ex-co and the next part is the hard work, which includes follow-up and outreach. It’s my last semester in NUS. I have to make full use of everything that is given to me. I must work my hardest!! I will be the geek and read every single article that I need to. I will do all that I need to in the ministry I am part of. And that means, unnecessary stress. Haha. I’m not very wise. Still, it’s my last semester. I don’t know what entails upon graduation. God has given me much, the least I can do is to be faithful in the very little HE has given me. Yet at the same time, I recognise that God is sovereign and He can work wonders, without me. But, God has given therefore, I cannot neglect. Faithfulness!!!!

So, pray with me!!

Haha…I slept only 2 hours yesterday. I think that says much about how stressed I am eh? Haha.

Still, I want to thank God because there are lots of joys in life that He has given me despite tiredness and stress. For instance, today I met up with Adeline to pray and it was good to meet and pray after such a long time. I trashed out a particular burden in me to my dear roommate and she listened intently, making me feel that my burden is very valid. (I thought it was silly!) I had a positive attitude towards the happenings of the day even though under normal circumstances I would be the grumpiest of person since I only manage to catch 2 hours of sleep and even that, not the deepest sleep. So, I really thank God. Today, on the bus back to school, one thought just struck my mind: ‘Be of good cheer…’ this phrase appeared quite a bit in the book of Mark and I was surprised that it suddenly pop-up in my head. But, I am glad God gave me the strength to have that good cheer.

So, yeap. Thank God!!!

OverwhelmED....

The lyrics of this song speak volumes now to me:

In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Jesus, You're more than a friend
Jesus, You're more than my heart could ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul
Joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You, my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

I guess, there are just so many times when I am overwhelmed by the fact that Jesus knows our every need and He keeps us so close to His heart. There are just so many times when I feel as if the things that I'm going through are like the sharpest of thorns and it hurts as if these thorns have pierced my heart, deep and all simultaneously. OUCH! But you know, the most comforting thing is that Jesus knows it all. He hears all the prayers. He keeps them all so close to His heart. And yes, we all do not deserve it. And this all, brings joy to my soul. Because in a fallen world, God shows us the true meaning of love, of hope, of joy. And I am very overwhelmed.

Thank You for being such a God. Such love. Such grace. Such mercy.

Thank you, girl, for calling and just checking on me. I know how much God loves me when HE sends people like you into my life! Thanks Yan.

Lord, thank You!!

Life is so full of pleasure isn’t it? And I’m brought back to the parable of the sower in Luke 8:4-15. And of course my mind went immediately to the seeds that fell on the thorns and it was chocked by the thorns. Jesus explained the parable and said that “the ones that fell among thorns are those who when they have heard, go out and are chocked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity.” Temptation has even begun even before I start work. For goodness sake, I’m still studying!

I guess the thought of graduation brings me to think about my dreams – what I want to build. And then I catch myself day-dreaming! And suddenly, where’s God in all this? What happened to ministry? What happened to discipleship? What happened to outreach? What happened to the desire of wanting to be a missionary? I catch myself off-guard.

Guard my heart O Lord….Jee Lee, don’t forget your commitments, your vows!!

On to other matters, I don’t want to graduate! I love studying – especially when you have such wonderful lecturers like Dr. Ooi. Only into my 3^rd week of school but Dr.Ooi has made class so enjoyable that I don’t ever want to graduate from his class. And it is now that most of my previous EL lecturers are like friends and I’m leaving. Gosh. It’s sad. It’s difficult to foster such friendships with lecturers in NUS, given the fact that lecturers seldom take time to build friendships with students and vice versa. If I do my 4^th year, I’d cry when I leave NUS.

The semester has already gone into it’s 3^rd week and I’m still stuck with no one to reach out to now. Well, not totally none just that it’s like I’ve lost all motivation to reach out to ppl whom I’m not very in touch with anyway. So, I’ve just been thinking about it and praying that God may just get me started and going and bring people to me. And HE has!

Last week, I bumped into my old contact whom I’ve not kept in touch with. It was cool! I started thinking more about my other contact too. I’ve started to meet another girl more regularly. And today, a girl from a class came up to me and she basically told me 2 things. (1) She’s a Christian (2) We have a mutual friend. It would have been a normal thing but it wasn’t because this mutual friend we have is a girl I’ve been trying to reach out to. And I found out (from talking to my friend) that this girl (who approached me) is a close friend of our mutual friend and she’s a preachy girl too! Yay!! I see this as an answered prayer. A close friend is now coming into the picture. Wow. That’s exciting news for me. I’ve not told Ade yet. But Ade, if you read this before we meet, it’s good news!!!

And well, life is so exciting!!!! God is so good. Thank HIM really!!! REALLY!!!!

And here's a song that I'm singing:

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

And I'll stand in awe of You, Jesus

Yes, I'll stand in awe of You
And I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You
So I'll let my words be few
Jesus, I am so in love with You

Till death...

I used to say that I'm not afraid of death. I've been thinking of that more these days and I guess, I've come to realise that I love life and I am afraid/don't want to die yet. Meeting my Lord will surpass everything else but I guess yeah, I do love life, despite all the pain. That it feels wrong to die at this age. I know to die is gain but I don't want to see death as some way of escape too. I don't want to make seeing my Lord as something I would want just because I can't have other things in life.

I truly want to see my Lord, meet HIM and be in His presence all the time.

Still, I guess, I am enjoying life - the roses and the thorns. And because I feel so unready to die, I guess, I get scared when I think about death. And more than that, I feel so sorry to those I will leave behind - loved ones yes, but most of all my family.

It's a scary thought. I feel sinful feeling the way I do. I feel sad.

We take things too easily until we realise when we're losing it, don't we?

Blessed I am

This is long overdue but better late than never! Hehe! I was just reflecting a few days ago about how much God has provided for me while in Singapore and among all the things I reflected on, the one thing that I realised was that, God provided fun friends!! I’m talking about my friends in the English Language Dept. It all started in Semester 1 of our second year and we slowly got to know one another and in semester two, we got to know each other much better. And it was in semester two (I think) that my friendship with Ade grew much more and to a higher “calling”. In semester two too, that I got to know Val much better too, not forgetting Sara too. Oh they are such a blessing! Of course, Janice and Michelle has been there since the very beginning of our journey in the dept. haha.

Ade’s birthday was a few weeks ago but we celebrated it for her. And it was so much fun! My gosh. We just sat and ate and chatted and oh gosh, we laughed our heads off at so many things. It was so fun. And really, I just felt so blessed. I can count on these girls to do fun things man. The few of us are already talking about where we wanna go after we graduate la…as in, not work but for vacation…Ah, truly so blessed with friends such as them!!! :) :)

CARLS' JR. is the place where we
feasted. Gosh. IT's so humongous!!!


















Vivo City, the apparently biggest shopping centre in Singapore, has a Crocs outlet!! The shoes are so ugly, it so strange to walk into a shop filled with ugly looking shoes. Yet, there are cute ones like those in the next picture ! They are kids boots. Like Phua Chu Kang's!!

I have failed

Lately I've been feeling like I have been disappointing my leader, my God. I feel like God's not pleased with me - I probably feel no one is quite pleased with me. But, I'm not stuck with self-pity. I just feel there's so much to move forward and that there's so much more room for improvement. I cannot give up. I must persevere.

Today, Bernard mentioned something that really taught me something. I have been silently wishing that in someway, emotions could be switch on and off for various purposes. Many times I wish for it to be switched off but lately I've also began to realise that inasmuch as I am extremely emotional, I've begun to be quite detached from my own feelings. It is scary that I can switch emotions relatively easy. That once I have decided not to let something bother me, it almost leaves me so soon that until someone brings it up, I would feel like I've lost it almost completely. It's scary. Yeah.

Watching Apocalypto made me also see how powerful emotions can be. How it drives people. And power always comes with the good and the bad and it is our responsibility to see how we use power responsibly. (Also how the love of a man towards his woman motivated him to persevere through trials…). Nevertheless, for me the lesson today would be about how much I have to a certain extent lost touch with my emotions and how that was the consequence of me thinking that it would be better for me if I wasn't so feeling. And again, back to the lesson of perseverance.

Trials didn't come my way so that I will learn to work without having emotions control me by shutting off that part of me. I should have learnt harder to know that as pain as the thorns can be, God is my comforter, God wants the thorns there to teach me endurance, God wants me to learn. And not be cold-hearted.

If emotions do not drive me, I do not know what can….because love is an emotion, compassion is an emotion. (It is more than just emotions) But, if I stop myself from my emotions, I more-or-less, have lost the meaning of what it is to be human. I have lost what it means to be a child of my God.

Mix-ed day....

I started blogging with one thought: God, thank YOU!!!!

Today, QingXiang came up to me and handed me something in a plastic bag and said “ Here, this is for you” and without really asking him what it was, he said “it’s that thing you wanted” and I felt the thing he gave me and I was SO pleasantly surprised that I almost hugged him la. I mean, I’ve been wanting an organiser for oh so long and I was just telling Jeremy the other day that I want to go to popular to get one. I even saw one today in the school co-op la. Thankfully I didn’t buy. No one really knows I’ve been wanting this because I’ve only mentioned it to Joshua and wengyan the other day when we were out shopping. A few months ago, I saw QingXiang’s organiser and I thought it was really nice and he heard me going on and on about how nice and how cool it is. And he remembered me saying it. And it was so sweet of him to get one for me. So terribly sweet!! In fact, he even apologised for not being able to get me a bigger one. Wah. Why on earth would he apologised!

And today, I was just telling God how I am just so depressed because I suddenly felt the enormous pang of loneliness. And then, I went for rally and when QingXiang gave me that gift, I almost immediately felt guilty for feeling the way I did earlier – about the whole loneliness thingy.

But, right now, I don’t exactly feel that I’m in any position to say “YAY”. Sucks. To a very large extent, yeah, I can’t wait to graduate, can’t wait to start work, can’t wait to be away from NUS, can’t wait….And dang la, I’ve been watching High School Musicals and you know the last scene in the basketball courts, where they all sing “We’re all in this together”, and I went on dreaming if ever I get to be part of a group who will sing that song, which group of friends will it be? It gotta be the TLC groupie. Maybe we’re more high school-ish. Hahah. Right now, I really wish to be able to go for supper with Jie Yao now. Drink all the miseries down. Haha….

Significantly Insignificant

My tired-looking eyes do not betray me. I’m in this vicious cycle – for 3-4 days, I get no sleep and by the 4^th day, I’m so tired out, I can sleep squatting. I stay that way for the next 2-3 days and then the cycle starts all over again. Oh how much I really wish for it all to go away.

I’ve not been consistent in blogging so my dear readers will not actually know what’s up or rather, what’s down. But, I guess, the last month or so have seen a good mixture of JOY and SADNESS.

The JOYous moments that reminds me to keep giving thanks to God – for loved ones, for making me, me, for all the things that we can enjoy, for many many things.

The SADdening moments that reminds me that even in the deepest pile of dirt, God is in control, and that I am significantly insignificant. And be so totally amazed at how much God would love and give HIS all for a person such as myself.

We always wish for happy moments but I realised too that when we’re in the deepest pile of dirt that we see cleanliness and we see light. And it is then, that the brightest of all lights SHINE even more greatly. I’m not saying that we start wishing for bad days but I guess, when the bad days do come, we can be rest assured that in the baddest of days, the bestest of things/beings will show itself. Light will shine. Eyes will see. All knees will bow.

And I’m very sure that if life were all arranged in snapshots, it’ll be really cool!!!!

It’s coolness that God sees the very depths of our hearts and loves us the same. How we’re so significantly insignificant. We have an amazing God don’t we??!

Who says what?

Oh I like this picture.

It speaks volumes bout how I feel. And I'm listening to Jon Bon Jovi's "Who Says You Can't Go Home?" Not exactly the right song to listen to. haha.

But you know, despite the sadness, there's this part in me that's really excited too. Because tomorrow, there will be a GC meeting. And yes, Jiaying is right. Seldom do I say I am excited that the GC is meeting. Tomorrow I will see people like James, Liren, Noel, Edgar, Jason, Felicia....whom i've not met for awhile. Ah, how I miss them.

A little excited that school is starting tmr. It'll be fun. :) Better than sitting at home, doing nothing. Last semester starting tmr officially. Coolness.

And....

Happy 40th Birthday, Life Chapel!!!

I've missed two AGMs already. But, this year is even more special and I really wanted to be back home for it but i can't. But thanks to Ah Soon, i've gotten pictures. And you know why this year is so special? Here's why:
It's a small little vine planted in the compound of Life Chapel to commemorate our 40th birthday and God's faithfulness. Can't wait to see it for myself. :)

Oh, and here's another reason why I can't wait to be back in KL too:

Eye On Malaysia is up and running! Such a beautiful sight ain't it?

The time is now. The place is Malaysia.

Beautiful.

Pictures and summary

The pictures are here!

Of Putting up Christmas Tree in the Lee’s house. Of course, watching ‘The Night Before Christmas’ too. My phone camera only 2MP so please pardon the bad picture quality. Too bad none of us brought our camera along.

Of glorious Siew Yuk. Restaurant Kokok.

Of Christmas night. Our annual event. The gang hanging out first in Centrepoint MacDonalds and then at the Leong’s but minus the Yees. I enjoyed myself with them.Talking nonsense. And of course, the day Samuel got his nick name. He’s now “Bad Colour Samuel” in my phone.But Sam, you know we all love you just the way you are!

Of having brunch and sending off the USMers. And a bunch of university students, who were supposedly mature people, being super fascinated with flies mating.

New year's eve's eve, me and Josh were out just to get stuffs and talk. Since 1U don't extend their opening hours, we had to go to MacDonalds Centrepoint again.

On 31^st Dec, with the USMers were in Penang and the Yees in land of the bombed (aka Thailand), the only ones left were yours truly, Joshua, Samuel, and Yueen San. And since Yueen San had relatives from Hong Kong in KL, she couldn’t spend the day with us but instead had to go layan her relatives who only speak Cantonese. If you know how fluent San is in Cantonese, you’d understand how much they'd enjoyed each other’s company. hehe. So, Joshua, Samuel and I were left to do things on our own. We wanted to have lunch together. Samuel wanted to get wallet. Joshua didn’t want to go to places like 1U which will be packed. So, we all went to Amcorp Mall. The flea market wasn’t around so Amcorp was very empty. Then, we put on our thinking caps and thought of watching a movie since we’d be back in uni soon and won’t have opportunity to watch a movie anytime soon. And since all the hype over ‘Night at the Museum’, we decided to watch it at Smiles Theatre at Amcorp Mall.

So, we got up to the third floor. Went to the ticket counters and realise there was no one at the counter. So, we desperados stood there for about 15 minutes calling nobody in particular but hoping that someone will attend to us. A man came out, apologized and gave us our tickets and this is how our tickets looked like. Yes, old school. Tear yourself. Chop date. Tickets with serial number.

We rushed through our lunch, which was of course the Prosperity Burger in MacDonalds. Got into the cinema late. No one to tear our tickets. How cool is that? Haha. Next best thing was this: It’s free seating! Oh gosh. Sam was kind enough to allow me to drive Joan back to church. And from there, we went our separate ways.

At night, there was VBS Thanksgiving. Oh, watching all the videos was so fun. The kids are so cute! Teaching them brings so much joy. Wished I was part of VBS. Ah,the dance was so cool and funny.

Then there was Watchnight Service in church. It was good. Got a specific word from God and a good time just reflecting and thanking God for what has happened over the past year. God’s grace, love and faithfulness truly surpass my understanding. After which, I drove Joan to Sam’s house and we then picked Joshua and Yueen San and headed to Asia Café in Subang for our mamak. Of course, this year we break our tradition of drinking and eating at Lotus. It was good meeting Chuen and Kat too.

That’s about it.

There’s no picture for this one, but I met up with Jon on the 2^nd of Jan. It was good meeting him because friendships are hard to keep and now it’s a challenge to keep the friendship going knowing that there’s no other thing that would draw us together other than our position in Christ. But, friends that I treasure, like Jon, are always a gift from God.

So the night of 2^nd January, Weng Yan, Yueen San, Joshua and I met up. It was going to be our last night out before Yanni, Josh and I go back to uni. So, we went to Giant in Kelana Jaya to shop for Yanni and Joshua’s things for uni. And then we wanted to go for a drink but thought it a better
idea if we just hang out in Yanni’s house. But as we were on our way to her house, the playground in her neighbourhood attracted us. So, like kids, we ran for the swings, played on the slides, some tried the see-saw. It was really nice. We shouted our hearts out as we were feeling depressed needing to go back to uni. Yanni and I had stresses in our hearts over the coming semester and the challenges that are ahead of us. But, it was a good way to relieve stress man. We had a really really good time. Joshua finally learnt how to swing really high. Haha. We spent our last hour in the playground taking pictures. Oh how thick-skinned we are! Hehe.

For all the good times we have had, I wish I was with you guys and that holiday never ends. But, I can’t.
For all the arguments and misunderstanding and pressing each other’s wrong button, I cherish it because through it, ties are strengthened, we get to know ourselves better, we get to know one another better.

Whatever it is, I thank God for you guys. Because friends, as cliché it might sound, are gifts from God.

Sometimes, I get sad by the fact that we’re drifting apart but I realise that no matter how far apart we are physically, you guys are always near my heart. Cheesy yes! But it is the very thoughts in my mind and heart. Because if I laugh with you and for you, if I cry with you and for you, then I know you mean a lot to me still….

I'm ready to go. Am I?

I'm leaving soon and although it's just Singapore, there's a great amount of hesitance.

The way I feel when I'm home. When I spend time with friends doing the stupidest of things and laughing at each other. When I spend time with family doing the things each other love and stabbing each other with nonsensical stuffs and doing nothing. These things I will miss the most.

Yeah, I've gotten use to Singapore but I'll never get use to missing home and how much I wish I was home, at comfort all the time. It's sad la. And i'm even more sad after the time we had yesterday and just recalling all the things that has happened throughout the whole month. Too much has happened to pen it all down or rather, blog it all. But, i guess, memories will always be memories.

All good things must come to an end. And so, my time at home has ended.

There's so much uncertainties in the things ahead and I wonder does everyone who goes through their last semester in uni feels the same way. But the thought scares me so much. It adds to the reluctance of going back to Singapore. But, at the end of the day, I know what needs to be done should be done. The fact of life is that I have to go back to Singapore. Life goes on. Time can't freeze. Only memories can. And even that, we can't be sure it will always be that way.

So much to see. So much will happen. I feel so unready for the future. And I've never felt so scared and so vulnerable before. So afraid.

But, above all this, I have to remember that I'm not alone and that there is a God who loves me beyond what I think or feel. And that God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

I wish with all my heart that God be close with me because that is what I really really need right now.

I've gotta go now. Bye Bye peeps.