I'm BACK!

Blog…blog and blog…

I reached home yesterday. The best part of it all is this : On my way home, Joshua called me making sure I’m free for him. I know he missed me so much! The minute I reach into my mommy’s car, I get a call from him. Hah! Then at 12 midnight, I realised I had a miss-call from him. So, I called him back only to hear the news of me being shoot to do something for YF this Saturday! (read: tomorrow) Wah. These friends are super nice rite? They don’t even give you time to rest. When they know you’re back, they shoot u straight with work to do. And it sure help knowing that when Joshua called me earlier, he was at YF staff meeting!

So, tomorrow I’ll be in church, helping YF out. Mind you, I’m not complaining. I’m always ready to help out in anyway I can. Just sometimes, I never expect being arrowed to do work so fast. I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve been praying and asking God to open doors for me – certain doors- and so when He has sort of answered me prayers, I should accept them without suprises. :) Happiness…

So today I checked my results and boo! Shocker results!!

Ps 136: 1 – Oh give thanks to the Lord, for HE is good! For His mercy endures forever.

I am a wee bit disappointed with some of my results, should have been able to do better in them but also a little pleasantly surprise with some of my other results. But after it all, I want to ask myself and God one question: Have I learnt what God wanted to teach me this past semester?

I received an email from the Phil MEET team. Must continue to keep them in prayers – tired and some are sick.

The NUS Navigators are going through some changes and I know for sure not many people are ready for the change. Being the most conservative one in the exco, I struggle too. Last year was rather easy when I have a conservative president to work with. This year, to have the exco made up of mainly more charismatic-inclined people, I forsee challenges. I do not want to go along with them blindly, especially when what the change is quite different from the things I’ve held on to for the many years of my life. I want to study these new areas again and today God brought a name to me. A name of a teacher. I have to consider a few things. I need someone who is balanced – to get someone from church would mean that I’m going to go back to all the conservative thoughts and it might not do me too good, esp knowing how my church is quite anti-charismatic. (I critique my church like that, sure I gonna kena scolding very soon) and if I go to a charismatic, I might also find myself in the other extreme. A balance between the two I need to find. I might approach the person I have in mind very soon – well, actually thinking of doing it tomorrow. Waste no time! Haha….(hmm, I just realise I can't do it by tmr. Figure out a way soon!)

Mark 9:23 – Jesus said to him “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes”

I wonder too

I thought I’m just tired. But something else is happening that I’ve been reluctant to admit. I do not know the cause of it. It’s just there. Sometimes, I wish I don’t need to bother about these things that happen.

People have been asking me “So, how have you been?” and I am speechless. Honestly! Well, all I say is that “I’m tired” but when people’s curiosity (or shall I say concern) goes beyond my comfort zone, I give them my blank face or a smile that seems to say “Don’t ask more please”. I’m thankful, however, that people have been sensitive enough to not push me beyond my comfort and persue matters. J I know it’s just a matter of time before I need to look deep into my heart. It’s been quite a while.

Maybe Cuong is right. Maybe I do look unhappy.

Maybe I really need After Eights! Hah!!

We’ll see….

I’ve not been sleeping well. I’ve been dreaming too much. Yeah. That explains my tiredness?

Today, it hit me.

Liren will be gone. James will be gone. Noel will be gone.

I won’t be seeing Liren in school for the next semester. No more calls from liren and no more calling him. This is quite sad for me. He is my friend. He is my confidant.

Studying together with James for the past semester have been rather fun. That section in the library has been the place I go to if I just need company. Well, he’ll be gone. I wonder whether there’ll be a place in the lib I can go to if I just need company next semester. Next semester.

Noel. Though our friendship might not be as solid as my friendship with the rest of my Bible Study group members but I really appreciate him for the honesty in our friendship, even at difficult times. He’ll be gone too. One whole semester.

I don’t know about other people. But if there is a family for me in Singapore, it would definitely be Monday BS grp (which shall be known as Monday GC from now onwards). And now, they are thinking of separating the group. Honestly, I am quite sad (Hah! The understatement of the year!). I don’t want the group to separate because it’s been my family, my comfort, my support group. And now, we’re suppose to separate. Sigh. Maybe I really shouldn’t bother so much. Maybe the group don’t matter that much to the rest. Maybe it’s just me. It’s alrite then. I will learn to let go. I know our group can divide and grow…but I’m still heartbroken that our group will split. Sigh. I shall no longer talk about this. I promised Ann that I’ll stay in Singapore one more day so that she will come for the meeting tomorrow. But, I really don’t want to be there for the event. I don’t want to talk about it.

Furthermore, my other comfort won’t be around anywhere in close proximity with me anyway. Looks like comfort will be much lesser….

Suddenly, I don’t feel like staying in Singapore for even another day.

A wee bit heavy-eyed.

The time has come for me to journal here. I’m exhausted. Really! Ask me if I’ve had my recuperating sleep from Dayang, I think I have but ask me if I’ve rested enough, I don’t think so. Well, it could be that I’m just a person who WANTS to sleep more. Hah!

Anyhow, after Dayang, I was busy with Exco meetings, clearing the house and reading stuffs. I’ve finally finished my Da Vinci Code readings. Hooray!! I need to get my reading plans out soon though. I know I have quite a number of readings to do, plus today I’ve just approached Edgar to pass me notes and presumably “readings” for evangelism to specific groups of people. Looks like I’ll have quite a bit of reading to do. I am praying hard that I’ll have time to finish all the readings I want to – I don’t even have time for story books la. Ish!

I just returned from Ex-co retreat and also from Michelle’s 21^st birthday party! J Ex-co retreat was a great time of just again seeing how magnificent God works and also the time of evaluation was super encouraging to me. But, it was tiring. Somehow, I haven’t been able to sleep for the past few days. I need to know why. I think I know one reason but there might be a possibility of another reason (and that is something I need to find out). Michelle’s birthday party was quite funny. Well, she’s so wacky – I don’t think her birthday party would be any less wacky than she is. Although I know she was quite disappointed with the turn out and all that. I truly hope that it didn’t spoil her day any more.

Ya. I started out wanting to jot down my thoughts but eventually as I write, I began to feel shy or the inappropriateness of jotting it all down here. So, I shall hold back. Sometimes, I really wish I need not share openly with anyone. Sometimes, I wish I could just sit in my comfort zone and no one would expect me to get out of it. Sometimes I wish change would never come. Sometimes, I really wish I could hold back everything. But, the importance of fellowship comes to mind – and not just meeting people and eating but of opening our lives and sharing our lives, being vulnerable to one another, even if it means with people whom I’m not comfortable with all the time. Well, to be honest, I’m most comfortable sharing with a particular person ALL THE TIME would be GOD. Other than that, there are times when I would really not be in the mood to share but I have to. Hah! Felicia today said that I was the person in the entire ex-co who really pushed for bonding. I see the importance and I want to bond too but I really find it a struggle sometimes to do it myself. It’s so much easier to just sit on my own chair and do my own stuff. But but but….my life is not my own.

Okay. I shall read some emails and get some other stuffs done and then go and sleep. Tomorrow morning have to get up pretty early to do some stuff. I think I’d have a full day tomorrow too.

Pleased :)

I'm pretty happy as I had quite a fruitful day.

I manage to sleep in a little bit more today. Prepare for exco meeting. Clean and tidy my room. Wash all my long overdue laundry. Prepare food list. Test 16 of Teck Yong's CDs. :) I'm pleased. Thank God!

I shall not blog about the depressing news of Arsenal's defeat. :(

On a happier note, I'm really looking forward to the coming academic year of service in the exco. This time as secretary. Hah! Who ever likes that job? I hate secretarial work man! I'm super bad at taking minutes. But somehow, I've grown to take notes during meetings throughout last year. So, I hope those skills will come in handy for me this coming year. Yah. We've just had a meeting earlier on. It's great to see that we're all united in this. I pray that God will continue to work mightily in the exco this year and in Nus Nav and in each member of Nus Nav and NUS. :)
God has proven Himself to be faithful throughout this year. Really!! :)

Ah...Here are some photos from Dayang.

Sceneries from Dayang! Nice right?!
Inasmuch as pictures paint a thousand words, pictures still cannot capture how beautiful God's creation is!















SUNRISE!!!!!!!!! Amazing!! :)

















And finally, a picture of our group!!! Team building! Literally! With an architect student in our group and a group that's super on about sand castle, we just had to get the sands put together to form something! Hah!!! :) :) Great team! Wonderful time... :)

I want to sleep....

I'm super tired.

I slept very late last night because I needed to write cards for some friends. They were leaving for mission trip to Philipines and I was there to send them off this morning. Under normal circumstances, I won't be crazy enough to sleep 3 hours and then travel all the way from the west to the east just to send friends off - especially when i have no car. And that would only mean I have one form of transportation at 5am - TAXI, which obviously cost me a bomb! Adeline said I was mad. I think so too. hah! But sending them off was an act of obedience. Quite unwise of me but I told God that if they fly off at hours when I'm free (ie: not from 9am-6pm) then I will send them off at the airport. When I learnt of their flight details, I knew I had to keep to my promise and be obedient - expensive price to pay. hah!

It's difficult to handle how I feel being in a conference that talks about The Anointing. Coming from a conservative brethen church, the topic of anointing is quite,erm.. off limits. After the conference yesterday, I just wanted to spend some time with God. And I realise, actually, He has been trying to prepare me for this talk. He has been teaching me more and more about moving in the Spirit, which is great. Haha, I donno what my church will say about all this. :) I'm not yet super comfortable with all this. I guess, it takes time...but I'm opening my eyes and digging deeper into some of these issues. You know when God opens your eyes to see the work that He is doing, it's quite awesome right?? ;p

I'm trying to finish this book. Finish it before I watch the movie. Yah! I'm reading the book and watching the movie! I've spoken to a few christians and they are so against reading the book and watching the movie. Satanic says some. Well, I've a few reasons why I read the book.
And you know, yes the book can be quite captivating but after a while, it gets a bit boring - esp when Dan Brown uses the same old tactic again and again and again.. hehe...






Ya. I shall go and read the book and then go and sleep. Tired man! Hah! :)

Hope.....

I had a good day today. Really!

I'll hope although it seems difficult.
I'll hope although it seems stupid.
I'll hope....and hope and hope and hope...

God, you help me to hope.
Help me to believe.
Help me to have faith.
God, you and I cooperate on this okay! :)

Because I need you. I cannot do this on my own.
It becomes meaningless if I'm on my own. I need you so much!

God, be with me!

Back!

I'm back from Pulau Dayang!! Rested well but worked hard too. Yah. I guess God has His way of making sure I rest - no boulder challenge or rock climbing. Hah! The guys went ahead for a rock climbing adventure and I wanted to go so much...sooo much. But, I wasn't feeling too well and oh well, I felt God wanted me to rest and spend more time with Him. So I did! And I'm glad I did!

Funny, but I'm quite tired from the trip. I manage to squeeze some rest today. Hopefully, I'll be more energized for meetings this coming week before I go back home. Yes!

Still feeling very dizzy from all the boat rides. Argh. I hate those feelings.

A few things I really appreciate during the camp:

(1) My fellow roommates. I got to spend more time and feel more comfortable with my roommates. That was such a blessing.

(2) I got to spend some nice time with Danielle and Petra, which was something that really blessed me. :) One day, Petra made this statement "We like to spend time with you. You are very laughy" I was so happy to hear that. :)

(3) Yan Mei, a China girl came up to and said this to me "Your happiness and joy is contagious"! Woah! That was super encouraging!! I don't hear that anymore. Maybe because she can say that because she knows me only for a few days. Hah!

(4) I got to know the guys in my group better, especially the year ones - Jonathan and Joshua. Interesting guys. Really! I'm impressed by what I found out about them. :)

(5) I got to know quite a few fringe people better, which really pleased me.

(6) I spent one night with Hui Li, just talking to her and spending time with her. :) That same night, James and Zach joined us at the beach, star gazing. It was splendid. :)

(7) Admiring God's beautiful creation - I'll post photos laterz. '

(8) Talking with Roy Tan. He really spoke to me about something in my heart!

(9) Spending time with God.

:)

Bye bye bye

I'm in the mood of a cryptic post. *bleah*

I'll be off tomorrow to Pulau Dayang. I'm leaving at 8AM. (Gosh! Can I even wake up by then?!) Other than Sundays, I generally do not wake up so early. Okay la....usually, I should be awake bout 8am. But, to leave by 8am means I have to get up at 7am! Yes, I am a female - I take a super long time to get ready. Especially, when not all my stuffs are packed! Oh gosh!! I am usually not so panicky when I am about to travel but this time I have reasons valid enough to be.

First of all, I am in the camp committee and I am in the food department. You see, we're BUYING ingredients and raw food to MALAYSIA. This is heavy responsibility. Have to plan menu and how much to buy. Oh gosh! And for about 50+ people for 4 days! Oh man! This is scary. Thank God I'm not alone in the food dept. My partner has been so super helpful. :) But guys being guys, when asked to coordinate this kinda thing, not as detailed minded as a girl would be like rite? And since my exams ended so super late, there are lots of details I have to look into and rush to make sure everything is covered la. I am super afraid I'm missing something out man.

Secondly, I am super hopeless in swimming. Ok. I can't swim! Infact, I am afraid of water. Basically, I almost drown once and ever since then, I've been so terrified of getting my whole body immersed in water - I get frantic when my head is dip into the water. Yes, I struggled when I had to go through water baptism. Sigh. Bet none of you knew that uncle Min Choon had to push me down right? The minute my ears touched the water I wanted to get up edi and uncle Min Choon had to push me back down. (Thank God it was uncle Min Choon. I don't think uncle Wong would be able to push me back down - esp when we had 22 baptismal candidates!). So yes, going to the sea terrifies me. Especially when two years in a row I have been thrown into the sea against my will!! and held in water by super strong guys who didn't want to let go despite knowing that I can't swim! Argh! Yes...and summore last year kena thrown into pool by my beloved friends during my 21st birthday celebration. Sigh. When people know you can't swim, it's just a matter of time before they start throwing you into water.

I am not afraid of heights. But when I am in a super high place and I look down and all I see is the sea, then I will be TERRIFIED!!! Oh God, how am I suppose to survive the next few days??!! Argh!!

Good enough reasons to be panicked? Gosh.

I'll be back only next saturday afternoon. Gosh! Till then, you won't hear from me.

Fishing trips! I recall (vaguely) how my dad used to bring us family for fishing trips. But, that was eons ago. I can't remember nuts how to fish! Of all the things, I really look forward to fishing! Really!! It'll be so super cool!!!


The beach! The coconut trees! The sands! Oh man!!! I so super love the beach la!! Super super super!!!
Hammocks are not really my kind of thing. I'm the kind of person who will go and disturb ppl lying on hammocks! haha...Yes, I'm quite naughty. Hah!


But the thing I (think) would love the most would be the starry nights! Oh gosh. They are so beautiful...Would I be able to capture pretty skies? Oh my!
Can't wait!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday when I was lying on my bed, I thought of going to your church. It's been so long since I went there. As I thought more about it, I really wanted to go!!

But, I knew I'd chicken out anyway.

And then, I thought, hah! If I went, I thought it'd be obvious that I have special feelings for you. Not wanting to leak out too much of my feelings, I decided to go back to my own church. :)
Furthermore, I was super afraid that I'll see her there. Unfounded fear but oh well. I didn't go anyway.

You know, I was so tempted to ask you out. But, my female ego was much more than i think it was. I am so gonna miss you la! I will so miss you! That is if I will still see you around. Sigh!

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I can only pray.
May God watch over you and bless you and keep you.
May He be with you as you are out there in the mission field.
May He be with your family too....
May He make you sooo beautiful.... :) :)

May others around you be so blessed because honestly, you're such a blessing. Such a blessing that I am sure no one around you can't agree to that. The lives you have touched. The light you've been. How can anyone not see the beauty in you? How can??!!! That's why when I try to even measure the chances I might have, I am disappointed!

I've never told you how much I appreciated you. How much you have inspired me. How much beauty I see in you. How much I think God is so pleased with you. How much your live challenge me. How in our very little communication, you have taught me to really really love people. Your love for people, for our Almighty God, truly amazes me and encourages me. :)

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I love him for the man he wants to be.
I love him for the man he already is.
I love him for the beauty I see in him.

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Till laterz.... :) :)

Reading time

I've managed to finish reading "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge.Good book! Yes. Go and read it. I can't decide which book to move on to now. Here are my selected options:


Changes that Heal was given to me by YF of Life Chapel when I left KL my very first time to come to Singapore. I've always wanted to read it but it can be pretty dry.




The Da Vinci Code. The movie will be out soon. Wonder whether Malaysia will ban the movie - the way they banned Prince of Egypt!! Hmm?? I thought of reading this book because well, just to read it and know what's it about. I promised Ping Suan once that I will read it because he wanted to talk about it but I knew nothing about that book and I guess, it can be a good evangelistical tool rite?


Upon completing the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, I shall continue my quest of equipping myself with knowledge by this book by Josh McDowell - so far known to be the best book by superb christian book author, Josh McDowell (a campus crusader himself.)
Funny how a painter and his painting causing all this big hu-ha in our world now. First the book, then the movie. It is no wonder that Christians around the world are rallying people to "stand up for their faith". Hmm....A lot have been said about the book - more from christians than non-christians. Many views I have heard. Well, I have my comments after attending the event organised by the Nus Campus Crusaders. But, if i should even comment, let me do so only after I've read the book - both of it. :)


Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Tek got me this book from Phillipines (so did Beverly!) Hah! Hmm...I like John Eldredge's writing and this book is a book for women. I really want to read it.




So now, I can't decide which book to start on first. If I give it 1 week to finish perbook (which I think is more than enough!) then, i should be able to read 8 books during the holidays. Woah! So many eh. Good! Then I can buy more books to read. Yay! Holidays should be reading time. Erm, together with other things to do la. Yay! You should see the amount of books I have on my shelf waiting to be read. Oh my! Will I even have time?? Goodness.

Am I?

Sometimes I feel I am too pushy. Maybe I am.

Just this morning I was reading Titus (haha. A book so short that I often just skip it) and my meditation was on Chapter 2 verses 11 to 13, which says: For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and saviour Jesus Christ.

I then turn to Hebrews 10 and read about wilful or deliberate sinning.
I then turn also to 1 Pet 3:16 and Acts 24:16 that talks about having a clear conscience.

And because we have the Holy Spirit in us, I know that everytime I sin (deliberately or not), I do not have a pure (Synonym of Clear) conscience. It pricks and woah, I hate it!

I kept telling myself that.
But, I know I can be pushy and I know I can be “imposing” my stance on others too. I suck!

So today…We were having dinner and after dinner, Jeremy got a waffle for Jie Yao. While nearing the entrance of the library, I turn and ask Jeremy “Are you going to bring that in?” He asked “Why not?” I asked a dumb question, “Is that cooked food or not?” Dumb questions because we’re not even suppose to have tit-bits in the library. Logically, it didn’t matter whether it was cooked food or not – we’re still not supposed to be eating in the library! (I am super guilty of this. Whenever I eat in the library, I struggle because my stomach is growling but my conscience pricks whenever I take a bite!) I looked at Jeremy and it seemed as if he was going to bring it into the library, I do not know what is running in the heads of Zhi Wei and David. They jolly well could be just seeing what Jeremy’s reaction would be (and mine). With my morning devotion at the back of my head, I quoted Hebrews 10:26 and Acts 24:16 to Jeremy. (And I felt like a total jerk for imposing my stance on him!) He then gave the waffles to the lady at the entrance counter and called Jie Yao to come out to get his waffle – eat before he enter the library.

I do not know how they felt. Probably a little pissed with Jee Lee – maybe if she didn’t say anything, Jie Yao could have eaten in the library. I don’t know. As I said earlier, I felt like a jerk but when I got back to my seat, I got out my Bible and I felt I didn’t do a wrong thing. Well, I’m just reminding my fellow brother to do the things that God would have wanted us to do – be law-abiding and thus, not eat in the library.

Now, I’m asking myself why don’t I stop friends from eating in the library? All I thought was “I can’t impose my stance on other people, so I let them do what they want to do. I keep my conscience clear and I don’t eat.”

Argh. I need to find a balance – not imposing my stance on other people and yet helping my fellow brothers and sisters to walk in a manner that is pleasing to God. First of all, should I see it as my stance or should I see it as God’s commandments? Argh. I don’t know. Someone tell me please?

A few things are for sure.
1) If you want to live a life that is in adherence to the Bible, be sure to anticipate “You’re-weird” looks from your friends.

2) I need to remind myself that God will be my judge at the end – not my friends.

3) No matter what others say, God’s words should be my top-most-important assurance. (As I was feeling jerky and all, God brought me to Psalm 119 and reminded me to have the attitude of the psalmist, which is to always have His word carved in my heart.)

4) I do not know what is the best way to help fellow family members (You should know who I refer to) to walk in a praise-worthy manner.

Faith...

I have been so unhealthily thinking too much. Actually, I think in all the things that I do, my mind will wonder to a far away land where nicknames were substitutes for real names.

Recently, my supporter in a particular area is not in the mood to support me. Or rather, I don’t feel up for being supported when I think he needs support more than I do. But I can’t really do much – so, I just sit and pray. I’m praying for u okay. May you see light at the end of the tunnel.

Revision is going on very well. Praise God for that. I only have one more paper to go and am already planning for certain things to take place. So, I’m hoping that all will go as I wished it would. (“,)

I sometimes go on whining that my story is sad. But, maybe God is trying to tell me that my story is not the worst so far. And in doing so, I believe God is opening up my eyes to see that it is really easier for me to hang on, even if it’s just one more day. And maybe, big maybe, it will come to pass one day. If only like an eager beaver, I will work diligently to be found right before Him and as I build, may I also be expectantly looking forward to see it in it’s completion – may I desire to see God’s will be done and rejoice together with all the angels in heaven above.

God, make me a woman after Your own heart, like David and have faith like Abraham.

And though she spoke no words, everything she said was heard
As she poured her love for The Master from her box of alabaster