It's beyond me...truly

It’s been a week and many things have happened in one week. So, I’m not going to tell you what happened throughout the week but if you should know, I celebrated my 22^nd birthday on Friday. And if you knew, birthdays are big days for me. It was celebrated very differently this time round.

This is the first time I’m celebrating my birthday away from home, which saddens me a big deal. Plus, I had a paper on that day, which totally made it sucked anyway. And the Nav planned for a retreat starting on Friday. So, I felt like okay. No need for a celebration this year. But God is good because He knew the things deep down in my heart.

Ade, Mich, Janice, Val and Mary got together to celebrate my birthday for me. So, it was pretty fun. But wat really touched me was how they all got together to plan for it and each was in-charge of something. So, Mich baked a tremendously delicious cake for me. Ade got me BK breakfast and got me the CD. Janice got me the other gifts. Val and Mary both made sandwiches and pasta respectively. Oh my goodness. I was so touched la. It’s exam period and these ppl took time and effort to go out of their way to get stuff for me. Oh, it was so delightful! I was so pleased. I was so happy!

Then, I managed to spend some very precious time with God. Was very happy.

Yao Yao and Jeremy and Edgar then had this super funny way of presenting to me my gift. Oh boy, but I was so touched la!!! You may find this hard to believe but I can fit into a boy size jersey! Haha. Quite funny I think.

The next thing that really really touched me was the cards that Danielle and Petra gave me. Well, firstly, the cards that I received this year, though not many, were very touching ones. So precious!! Danielle’s and Petra’s card were so lovely and so touching. Oh my! I’ve felt so much of God’s love through these two beautiful girls.

And then, exco also celebrated my birthday for me. So happy.

But throughout the weekend, God really showed me that He loved me beyond what I think or even expect. I felt so much joy and so much love. God has really been so gracious to me. The things that God has been doing in my life in the past 2 years, especially so, in the past few months have been extraordinary. I am not deserving of God’s way of pursuing me but God has been indeed the lover who never gives up. And I fall to my knees to see how much God loves me. I am amazed.

I’ve been rather encouraged lately as I see friends come so much closer to the Lord. Truly, it has brought so much joy to me. When I see how God is working in other people’s life, I automatically feel so happy. Yeah. I’m just so delighted. And I am brought to realise the work the Lord is doing in my life as well, and how God has never left us alone to wander around aimlessly without a guide. I cannot put all this down in words but God is extraordinarily wonderful!

Just the way God has been using me has been a tremendous encouragement to me!

Truly, I have been blessed beyond measure.

In Christ alone,
I place my trust.
And find my glory in the power of the Cross
In every victory,
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone.

Eventful weekend

So much has happened over the weekend. Went to Johor with Radika and David and we did very Malaysian things - shop and eat! Well, it was good time spent with fellow Malaysians especially when at the back of our heads we have one very important agenda: Celebrate Radika's 21st birthday!

So, let me just bore you with a little reporting.

We left Kranji MRT at about 3:15pm on Saturday, 16th Sept 2006. And it started to pour! It rained so heavily that we started to wonder whether is this God's way of saying, "Go back to Singapore" I was tempted to go back to Singapore because right at that moment, I was just thinking of my test on Monday. Nevertheless, there are certain things about being in Johor that was just too attractive and I honestly don't think God was saying "go back to Singapore". So anyway, since it was pouring cats and dogs, we went to Larkin to get bus tickets to go back to KL a week from now. And the minute you get out of the 170 bus from Kranji to Larkin, people will crowd around you, trying to get you to go on their bus. Oh gosh! I hate that of Larkin. After we got our tickets, we didn't even want to linger for 1 minute, took the immediate 170 bus back to Johor City Square. And then, braved the rain and walked into City Square. First shop we see, FOS! I've been looking for an FOS in Singapore and I have no clue where it is but I was not going to shop at anywhere else if we do not go into FOS. So, we all got something from FOS and then I went to Vincci to get SHOES! If you've been hearing me complain about how I want so much to get new pairs of shoes, good news to you, you won't need to hear those whines anymore because I've gotten shoes already and I'm very happy with them! Yes, not one but TWO! After shopping, we went to get movie tickets to THE ONLY MOVIE I'VE WALKED OUT ON! I'll tell u more about that later. So, after movie was time for D I N N E R!! Yay!! So, we ate at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng. I don't know if you've heard of it before or not or whether there is even one in Singapore or not but I've had the BEST Toast Bread there! This is so serious. You MUST go and have the toast bread in Wong Kok Char Chan Teng! It's superb. And then, I had Cheese Baked rice with Siew yuk! Well, It's the closest I can get to satisfying my siew yuk crave rite? Not the best of course, when it's baked in cheese and donno-what sauce, it didn't taste as authentic. Anyhow, good time of just eating. But of course, when the bill came, we were rather shocked. Imagine, Rm66 for 3 fellas. The things that food-deprived Malaysians do to compensate the cry of their stomach for delicious food.

So, the movie! It's called Ghost Game. Go check it out on a web. It's tremendously terrible. I didn't want to watch it knowing how pictures stay in my mind. I get fear of closing my eyes when I bathe, I get scared when I'm alone and I suddenly feel there are "things" around me. Seish. U get it. I get frightened. But seeing that I was getting frightened, my lovely friends decided to force me into it. So, I had no choice. First thing into the movie and I see who I'm sitting next to: a mushy couple. Oh great! Next best thing, the seat stinks! Oh my, times like these, you appreciate TGV, GSC and Cineleisure. And so the movie starts. And oh, I can't understand what they are saying and I wonder is it because of the language?! Goodness, it was in THAI! NOT ENGLISH. My! Am I going to sit through a horror movie reading the subtitles??!!! This is terrible. So, I started complaining to my friends "We NEED to get out" They still wanted to stay for money's worth. Okay, fine. Being totally scared, I covered my eyes and ears! And silently wish I could fall asleep. Peeping once in a while, I saw some of those terrible images. But the best part was this: David was so interested in getting me horrified and it backfired on him. So, as I was keeping my eyes all shut, you can imagine what effect the movie will have on me - none. But, for David who wants to get back his money worth, he watched the whole thing and freaked out of course! So at one particular juncture, he jumped off his chair and screamed. Followed by a very loud "wahlau" and then laughed. (Yes, I have strange friends) So me and Radika laughed our heads off when we saw David reacting that way. And of course, since Malaysians don't say 'wah lau', it was pretty obvious this boy is from Singapore. Even after that, they refuse to get out of the movie. It was honestly very stupid to sit in a cinema where the seats stinks and it was a totally crap movie because it had no story line whatsoever and these were actors and actresses I don't know of and it was in a language I know nothing off. So, let's leave. They wouldn't budge. So, I sat there until the people in the movie had to recite a charm or some prayer thing. Having no peace at all after watching that, I immediately turn to Radika and say "I'm leaving!" Very sure! Radika would go if I go. So, we both left. As we were leaving, David says "I'm not gonna watch this alone." So, he left together with us. Oh good. So, we continue shopping. And then, left for Lee Girk's house.

So, mouth itching to eat something, all of us went to have supper - RAMLI Burger and satay! Hehe… Satisfied. We went to Lee Girk's house. Bathed. Slept. I was glad to be forced to bed at about 12midnight. I was so happy - thinking that I would be able to get a good night's rest. Sigh. I am finally admitting that yes, there is something very wrong with me. I cannot sleep although I know I really need it.

Sunday I was just doing my morning devotions before going to church and I was brought back to Psalm 62. The exact same given to me when I left for Singapore. And as I read it, suddenly I realised why this psalm was given to me. And it all makes sense. First, psalm 62 was given to me and then in my year 1, so much struggle with so many things. And then year 2, God said "I'm training you". Okay. But, all this while, I've forgotten that there is Psalm 62 to really hang on to. It's given to me. Psalm 62 has been personalised. I must remember that.

Worship at Daya Gospel Centre was nostalgic - almost like how it used to be in Life Chapel. But, the people there were awesome. Something that big churches like Life Chapel totally lack. The people there were so extremely warm. So many people came up to us and at almost every one time, all three of us will be talking to different people who came and approached us. So happy. Many things about DGC was good but one thing struck me. When Nicholas stood up to give thanks for the cup, I was amazed at how he prayed. He looked like this teenager, even dressed like one. I was already amazed that a teenager would pray before the passing around of the cup. But his prayer showed that this is a really mature teenager. Then David pointed out he prayed with a cap on. Then I went "Oh yah!" How dare he. And why didn't the church people say anything? Then, turns out that Nicholas just graduated and has already started working and he has his cap on because he had stitches on his head. Ohh…. Shouldn't have "judged" him even before I knew him.

Then it was Secret Recipe for lunch!!! That's where we celebrated Radika's 21st birthday!!! YAY!!!!

Then, let me tell you of our crossing road incident. We had to cross a not-very-busy-highway. So roughly about 3 lanes. The three of us got on our marks. When we judged it was safe to cross the road, we dashed across. Thinking all the time "I better not fall here or else I'd die!" It was so funny. Especially when you've been in Singapore where they have pedestrian crossings and where pedestrians cross slowly! Haha. AND then, we ran for the bus. Then, when we got onto the bus, everyone looked at us. Feeling rather strange that they looked at us like that, we concluded that it is because we ran for the bus. In Malaysia, no one runs for the bus because u can stop a bus even at a non-bus stop area (I think!). And people normally walk. Not run. Haha…so it was rather funny.

Got back and before I could hit the bed, my sister sent me a worrying msg. Finally a good reason to go and get calling card. So, walked out to 7-11 and got a card. Called her to be answered by a crying sister. I wished so terribly that I was there for her. And I missed her so much!!! I'll be back soon!!!

It's Thursday

I really want to tell you what amazing day it was for me yesterday, when God met me where I was and revealed to me the deepest things in my heart and the deep thing in His heart. Oh my. It was extraordinarily exciting. Felicia said I cried like a child. I won’t deny it because I really did feel like a child – meeting my Father! But, I won’t do much justice by telling you what exactly took place, here. There’s just too much information needed and it’s too difficult to express with only words. If I could find time to put it in poetry and music, I would and it would be better. For now, ask me! Even MSN won’t do. But, yes, God is tremendously good!!!

But, as I speak to people, I am beginning to realise that there are many people I know who do not want to venture into a deeper relationship with God because they fear disappointment, they fear being hurt… And honestly, try as I may, I do not know how to encourage them. Because, through God's grace and His awesome way of teaching and leading me, I no longer struggle as much to love God and I can’t exactly point out why (but God is tremendousely good!). And so, in my humanness, I do not know how to help people who find it a struggle to place their everything in HIS hands for the above mentioned fear. If you ask me what really helped me, it was really through experience. But then again, if they will not let go of their SELF, then how are they going to experience something that will compel them to live not for themselves? I don’t know. Maybe someone needs to teach me on this.

And there’s another pressing thing. I really want to find time to read and study the Bible more. And honestly, the internet is a major distraction. To top it up, I’m thinking of computer games! What is wrong with me?! Argh. It’s so irritating.

At the end of it, I guess what I really want to say is that: when I look at my life and what God is doing, truly everything is worth the fight and there are tremendous reasons to hope. People can preach to us about it but the only way it will be deeply rooted is when we experienced it in the deepest depth of our self.

Ah. I need to tell you guys what happened man. I cannot sit still and let it consume and eat up everything that is alive in me.

Get me for a cup of drink. I’ll tell u all that I can!!! And we rejoice together! Oh man.

A peek into the personal self

I went for last night’s GC meeting though I was reluctant. And Bernard was in his very Chinese mood. So, he wanted us to sing a Chinese worship song. So I thought, ok fine. I’ll just sit and be drowned by the singing of my brothers and sisters. Little did I realise that the song that Bernard chose was a song that Jia Ying taught me a few nights ago. How funny! So, when I realised we were singing that song, I quickly sms-ed Jia Ying to tell her about it and we laughed. But, Jia Ying is probably the only person who knows what that song means to me.

And then came a time where we gathered to pray for one another. And finally all the girls get to hear the condition I am in. I tried to put it in a less worrisome manner. I really don’t want anyone to be worried although honestly, I sometimes am worried for myself too. You’ve got to hear it for yourself. You would most probably be very worried too. If not because we were asked to pray for one another, I wouldn’t even have shared. It’s something that I would really rather just keep to myself. And I’m coping alright. I won’t say I’m doing terrifically well because there are days where I hit the ultimate low point of everything. But, again, there’s 1 Cor 10:13. So, I’m not doing too bad. Everyday, I wake up to make a choice to have my eyes fix on God and not on anything else. To make that choice has been excruciatingly difficult these days but I must persevere nonetheless.

I’m sometimes such in a low position that I don’t feel like doing anything in terms of ministry. Every Tuesday I arrange for tonnes of meetings on Wednesday purely because it’s my free day. But today, it’s extra difficult to not be sad. I woke up feeling like I’ve got the world’s back turned against me. Thinking that things might actually be better soon, boy, I was proved wrong. About an hour or so, I find myself crying in my room. And so today, I intentionally told myself “No more! I’m not going to contact anyone to meet tmr!” And then, half way in the day, I made my first plan – to meet and pray with Ade. And now, I’m sitting here in my room trying to arrange for other meetings too. Boy! I cannot really run away right? Not that I am a workaholic and I need to meet people in order to feel good about myself. But, there’s just a naggy feeling deep down knowing that I cannot run away from meeting people. God just won’t let me go. God just won’t let me wallow in sadness. God is higher above me and HE’s on a whole total different world.

Hence I always say there’s nothing to worry about me. Ask the people I’ve been talking to about this. And they will testify that inasmuch as I go to them totally bruised, they know full well that God is with me and that I’m not letting go this struggle without a fight. I will learn whatever God wants to teach me. I want to be part of HIS perfect plan. And this struggle is definitely not going to hinder me! Therefore, ask these ladies and even they are not worried for me (at least I think so). I know they feel for me. I know they know how much of struggle I am in. I know they know how much of pain I am in. But, I hope they are not worried.

And now, chin up! And look to up to the sky! And smile – for there is a greater purpose and plan ahead. There are great and wonderful things to look forward to. Trust me! Let’s be hopeful together.

Pure ramblings

I know I should be studying more but I'm just plain lazy. I'd rather log onto youtube.com and search for video. I've 2 projects to start looking into and 1 assignment that is due during the term break. (Yes, due during the term break! And I wonder what is the term break for?!) Dr. Ho is the best lecturer on the face of the earth. He gives very vague description of what we should do for the term paper and he says we can pass it up anytime before the term ends. HUH?! But a responsible student should start looking into it by now, unlike me.

And, I've been procrastinating doing all my secretarial work. After the realisation (that I don't have very much time left to do it) hit me, I looked into all the forms that need to be completed. The thing is that I cannot do all this by myself. I need the AGM minutes from previous secretary. I also need the finalised accounts from the previous treasurer. I also need particulars of each Nav member as I need to submit it to different organisations. So, I need respective people to help me out in giving me information I need so as to submit these forms before the deadline. I need to start emailing these people I guess. And I must remember that I need to collect money from people who attended a Navigators conference a few weeks back. All these admin work sometimes drives me crazy.

And to top it up, I have things that I want to do but haven't had the time to do. My reasoning is that, if I've not done what I'm supposed to do, I better not look into the things that I want to do. Haha…Like, satisfying my food cravings.

But oh well, some things are less important than others. And there are just too many things that I want to do and too many things that I want.

Today as David, Radika and I sat at Swensen's having our oh-so-delicious- Giant Earthquake, I felt a little nostalgic. Remembering the times when my friends and I would just drop by Swensen's to pamper ourselves and have a great time of fellowship. And so today, at the table, sat 3 Malaysians who just wanted to pamper themselves with ice-creams they have so long craved for. Too bad Swensen's in Singapore do not have promotions like the ones in Malaysia do. Then again, maybe it's good also. 2 years in Singapore and I've barely found friends who are willing to do crazy food hunting with me. That's one of the reasons why I thank God for David. Too bad Bernard is too old to go with me and do my crazy stuffs but he's the nearest I can find. And suddenly I ask, am I the only girl with these interests? Either that or other navigator girls are just more reserved than me. That's why Jie Yao calls me the Campus Crusade kind of girl. Boo-hoo. I've no friends. Ha ha…this all sounds so weird.

Okay! Must stop thinking about food edi. I have super lots of cravings, the consequences of suppressing my food cravings! Sigh. Time to sleep!

Live...

I want to send Caleb off because I know I will miss him for the next few months of not seeing him. He's been such an encouraging guy!! Reaaaally!!! And when I sent him off yesterday, and when it was my turn to shake hands with him, he said this "Continue to bring joy!" I was so stunned. Mainly because during the past week, smiling has been the most difficult thing to do! Wow. And to a certain extent, it was a reminder to praise God for the gift He has given me and to not neglect it.

Anyhow, here's a verse that spoke to me just now: Gal 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Ouch.

Sejuta bintang di angkasa
Sinarnya mempesona
Sebutir bintang di taman seni
Cahayanya berseri
Biar bertahun masa beredar
Satu wajah satu nama takkan pudar
Tetap jelas di ruang mata
Setiap gerak gaya
Bergetaran merdu sinar
Di persada budaya
Hingga kini menjadi sebutan
Tetap terpahat namamu di ingatan

So beautiful ain't it? But sometimes, the very thing that is beautiful is the thing that pierce through the heart so painfully!

God's grace and strength is with you because I can see on your face joy and hope though there is suffering.

Those must be the most encouraging words I've heard in the past few weeks!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

Many times I feel like rebelling and I just want to do things my way, live my own life the way I want to and make everything revolve around me! The past few days, I find it difficult to say “Okay God, have your way in me” with all my heart. Most of the time, it’s more like “God, Can I have my way please?” But isn’t it amazing that God never lets me go?!

Probably no one noticed this. But, yesterday, for very selfish reasons, I relocated my blog telling myself to be a tortoise and hide! Then, today as I left the house, I felt an inclination to put a book into my bag. I did. I didn’t have much time in school to read it. I only manage to read ONE page. But from the page I read, God was so clear in telling me, go and relocate your blog back again to where it originally was! God showed me that I reacted negatively to the things He allowed to happen. So, the first thing I did when I came home was to relocate it back to where it was originally! And how do I not wonder in awe at how gracious God is?!

And yes, in my rebellion, I want to say NO to many things that God wants me to say YES to. But, God never lets me go. Well, technically, I can still say NO. But, God prompts so hard that I somehow cannot find the guts nor the heart to say NO to God. There are things that I want so much that it’s so extraordinarily easy to say NO to God. But, I can’t! I can’t! I’m compelled to obey.

And it’s not about me. It’s about God. It’s about HIS love. It’s about HIS grace. It’s about HIS faithfulness. It’s all about HIM. Because I know me and I know I cannot do all this without a supernatural power – without an extraordinary God.

My Lord and God, will you forgive me please? And please, do not ever ever leave me to struggle alone.

Ah.....precious

I was back in KL for less than 24 hours but every minute spent was definitely precious! I know it sounds completely silly to travel so many hours just to be back home for less than 24 hours. But, you’ve got to know why I went home. They are simple reasons – One, I miss home terribly. Two, Uncle Jit Seng is sick and I want to see him (and his family!).

I was procrastinating of going home because travelling is very tiring. Yes, I know it’s just a matter of sitting in the car/bus/train for a few hours, doing mainly nothing but sleeping. But, yes, travelling is still very tiring! But, praise be to God because He knows what is deep in my heart. It’s going to be pretty embarrassing to talk about it here but for the glory of God, I will.

I think it started about March/April this year. I began to hear God saying to me how much He loves other people. For example, God put in my heart, one day, to buy a gift for Danielle. When I obeyed that prompting, I realised that Danielle’s birthday was the exact next day! I went to God and ask WHY such a prompting. Of course there were a few reasons but one of them was this: He wants me to tell Danielle how much she is loved by God. Ever since that incident, I’ve been getting that quite a bit. Do this for this person because I want that person to know he/she is loved. Hmm…it got pretty exciting because it shows me that God is not only using me but I am beginning to be so much more sensitive to His prompting and a little quicker and more willing to obey. Then, about a week or so ago, I started complaining : “God, why haven’t You loved me deep enough to have other people tell me that YOU love me?!!!” Okay, maybe not complain but a silent wish – wishing for people to tell me that God wants me to know HE loves me. Petty I know. But yes, that was the way I was feeling.

Then, this whole desire of going back home to KL came but I was lazy. But, God knows me so much better than I know myself. I told myself, I can last here for another 3 more weeks before I go back during the holidays but God knows I need that refreshing time back home with family and friends! So, He sent Jie Yao to KL and HE prompts Jie Yao to ask me whether I want to go to KL with him and his family. And honestly la, I felt so silly and terrible for feeling that God didn’t love me as much as HE loved my other friends. God is so gracious!!

So, what happened at home? I surprised my whole family by going back because they definitely didn’t expect me to be home. It’s fun surprising people you love!!! Had dinner with my family and then we went over to my uncle’s place and oh my goodness, my cousin is so adorable! 7 months old now and gosh, super cute! Had durian feast with my aunt! It’s like a ritual. Hah! Got home and spend a few precious hours just having heart-to-heart talks with my parents. Gosh, I love them so much! And I thank God everyday for the parents I have. And through our talk, I am reminded again, why God sent me to Singapore – not that I have forgotten but I guess, my parents reminded of information that I have known but dismissed.

Sunday I surprised everyone in church by being present. The best was Joshua’s reaction. He stood at the steps, looking totally shocked when he saw me. And it was pleasant! I KNEW he’d be pleasantly surprised! Then, the reunion of everyone! Shelby and Li Yee was around. Grace is back from India for good. It would have been perfect reunion had Sam and Chris been there. Ah! Nonetheless, it was good, though short. Oh how much I missed you guys so much. I hope you all felt it when I hugged you so hard! Haha. Dearly dearly missed!!!

I am so superbly thankful to Jie Yao and his family for giving me a ride. Ya.

And I’m so pleasantly surprised to see a gift and note on my table when I arrived in Singapore. Thanks dear! I’ve never stopped thanking God for you! You are so precious.

I should sleep early. Yes. I’d try to pen all this down. I need a longer, more coherent, nothing-hidden entry!! But, thank you God for being so good…..