Addicted...

Shall-Bee and LiYee....

This is to u....

I heard you're doin' okay
But I want you to know
I'm a dick
I'm addicted to you


I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?
I try to make you happy
But you left anyway


I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker


Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
Still a dick
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true


I'd run a thousand miles to get to you
Do you think I deserve this
I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to treat you good in every way


I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker


How long will I be waiting
Till the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine


I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you


I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker


I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker

Ahh....u know what it all means lar rite???

:)


Shel, Li, Topher, Sam --> U know, what Sylvia and Edwin mentioned bout uni life is very true. I know most of you are really looking forward to uni life - the excitement, the independence, the freedom, even looking for ur future life partner. :) But, it is really true. U will have the most time in uni to spend time looking into God's word....build ur strong relationship with the LORD. Not that u guys don't already have. But, it's a precious phase of ur life that u will have most time. With the company of fellow believers who have the same time as well. Do it! Go and dig deeper. Go and search. Our relationship with the LORD mite suffer in the future. I said mite! Means, it might not always so lovey-dovey. That is when u look back at ur precious relationship and times that u've spent with the LORD. It's something that's very precious that we have. I pray that all of you will not only put in mind to do well in ur studies and to gain as much knowledge as possible but you all will also desire to build this extra strong relationship with the Lord. Remember GO MAD? yeah....

ciaoz...

Last meeting?

Ahh.....

Last nite was dinner and den Swensens....Was fun. Esp, after Josh embarrased himself by announcing to EVERYONE of his presence!! We missed Shelby tho. Ahh...

And to think : tonite will be our last mamak sessions b4 they leave for USM. YUCKSSS!!!

I wish it isn't our last mamak session but i too know that they all gotta spend family time. I know i know!!! But...but...but....Can my BUTs keep u guys here? Can my BUTs keep me here? I know we all gotta go on with life....but...but...but....

Topher, i've seen u grown from being that sulky baby to the boy who's always on the piano at home and a crazy footballer to a boy who's very active in YF , always serving God...and now, even appearing on TV.

Shelby, i remember not being very close to you when we were younger. But, i remember the laughing times we had when in a sunday school play. I donno whether u remember anot. And den, going into Bible School. Well, we were never close until we reached YF rite? Den, we were in the same group. Done silly things together. And toghether we got close to YinNgai and Pin Pin and at the same time, our relationship grew stronger. It has been awesome...all the things that we've been through. All the late nite talks...all the laughing session...(Like Jon said, we really have laughing problem)...all the arguing session...everything la...precious!!!

LiYee, we were not close until prolly bout half to a year ago. But, u've been a blessing. Your laughters and craziness has always made my headaches go away...always make my moodiness go away....u da clown!!!

U will all be really missed.....I'm listening to Mungkin Nanti by PeterPan. Aahhh.....sad sad...

I pray that you guys will have an enjoyable time in USM. Well, ppl say that uni live is precious...it is!! Some of u mite find ur partners for life there....hehe.....whatever it is, go all out and do all sort of crazy things yeah!! Enjoy yeah!!!

Love ya all.......

Hopefully when i'm in Singapore edi, i wont feel it so bad la.....now it sucks...bleah!

mixed...

I know i know....I've been missing for some time already. Happening lar me!!! Haha....Ok well, that's not the real reason. Been pretty tired and lazy. So, didn't took the effort to blog. It's been heck of a few days....

it's either out till late nites or just being OUT!

Ok well...there's been a bit of a mix feelings around lately. Agghh...hate it when i get into that mood. Mix feelings. What can i explain? Will ppl understand? No they don't.

I had friends coming up to KL from Singapore. I donno to be excited anot. I was. But.....bleah! I was excited to show them around...to bring them out...do somethings that Malaysians do, eat things that Malaysians do....But, their coming over means that my going back to Singapore is near. So, yes i want them to come and i can bring them around. But, no i dowan them to come coz it means i gotta go back earlier to Singapore. So, there you go! MIXED!!

They came and yes, i agree with ALL my friends. I was an awful host. I don't know what was wrong. Apart for my mixed feelings, i sensed that something was weird with them. It was like as if they wanna tell me something but dare not say anything....something was lingering but no one said anything. And well, i would usually ask what is wrong and what's the matter. But, i myself was feeling, you know, MIXED. So, i didnt do anything. Pretended that nothing was wrong. Took them for a bit of an adventure. We slept oni at 7am?! yeah....so, yes was pretty tiring.

I took them to KLCC. Stupid me, drove there. So, u can imagine how much i paid for parking! Darn!! Shopping was good. A&W was good for them. got Dunkin Donuts too. Things that are missing in Singapore. I wonder why?! How can they deprive their citizens of such good food???

Saturday nite. I really want to bring them to church. Meet the crazy and noisy friends that i hang out with. (NOTE: i am only noisy because of the ppl i mix with. And NOT the other way round.) But, on the other hand, this would be the last sunday that Shelby, LiYee and Topher will be around. Aghh!!! I hate that. We alwiz have our SUNDAY activity. We ALWIZ. And not only this will be the last sunday for us to do that. I have friends around. Now, how irritating can that be. By NO means i'm saying that my friends were troublesome!! They're not!! But, agghh...why all at the same time??!! WHY WHY WHY???? What to do?? I DONNO....

I've been a sulky baby these few days....sulking everyday and telling myself : i dowan to go back to Singapore. I know i was called there. I know it!! But...but...but....AAAGGGHHH. I dowan!!!

It's not that i want to say anything. But, you know la what i mean....it's different. Different lifestyl. Different thinking. Different priorities. Different jokes. Different way of handling things. Just Different!!

Rite now, i'm listening to Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Some of you know what that song means to me. Now....it's just the appropriate song for the appropriate mood. I dowan to miss a thing here!! Nothing!!! But, heck!!! I know i shdn't be complaining..but...BLEAH!!!!!!!


Crazy ppl doing Crazy things at Crazy times.

Bleah....Yay....

Lately, my spiritual life hasn't been completely all goody and it's not as i would have love it to be. And i was thinking bout it before i went to bed last nite. Hah! The cause for sleeplessness and waking up late this morning!

My QT has been suffering abit...it's no longer a daily affair....bleah....

I sinned again this morning!! DARN!! I sat down on my bed. BLANK. Donno why like that. Donno what happened. Why did i sin? Why am i like that?!

I know i'm not perfect but i try my best. And yet, why is it that when its time to fight, i give up?!! I knew that temptation was creeping up. I didn't even try to put up a fight. I just let the temptation take up a level higher. I let it be....then it happened. Do i not remember that once temptation is not faught, it will lead to sin and den death? But why didn't i fight it? Don't i remember what is mentioned in Hebrews about deliberately sinning?

I was dissapointed in myself. And my imagination went wild.

God was probably sitting on His favourite chair as He looks down on me. Since He allowed that temptation, He was probably looking down to see what will i do. And BOOM!! He covers His face as He sees what i have done. He is disappointed.

And as i told myself not to think so much, i shut of my imagination button. But, i still felt like shit! So, i prayed....Lord, please....forgive me!!

I went to mandi....had my breakfast. Opened the lid of my piano. Took out the Spectrum of Praise (SOP)...played a few songs...Songs like Thank You ; Jesus, What a Beautiful Name ; The Father's Song...Wanted to do my QT but knew that i dont have enuff time coz mom was on the way home to pick me and sis up for lunch. So, i chatted with my sis instead. Had lunch.

So...anyway, i took my comp out. Did my QT!! and i was at Colossians 1.

19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

21Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of [a] your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

And wow!! Boom....i felt...i ONCE was alienated. Now not anymore. Jesus Christ died for me and you. And what does that mean to u? I donno. But it means a lot to me. It means that Christ loved me SOOOOOOOO much!! Even though i have sinned against Him, even though i am NOT perfect, even though i disappoint Him, even though i hurt Him....through all this, I know that God loves me. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He stoops down to my level and talks to me and comforts me and loves me. He accepts and loves me as who i am.

And even as i was doing my QT, a voice was lingering and saying...."You do not try to be good or godly or spiritual by your own strength!"....

Yeah....

How God sees me is the most important. How I see myself isn't important...how ppl see me is not important....

When i am weak, there i will be strong....When i allow God to work!!!

So...yes, i am deeply sorry for what i have done or not do.....sorry Lord for not pleasing you with my life. I know worship is not just on sunday morning but it's a lifestyle. May i learn!! At the same time, i thank You LORD for what you've been to me. For loving me. For accepting me - even at times when no one does and at times when i myself can't!!......

:D

Crazy...

The original plan was this : Shelby and Liyee go and make IC. I will teman them. Den, on tuesday, they teman me to go and make me passport.

That plan changed to : Shelby and Liyee go and make IC. I went and make passport with Wengyan. ALL on Monday!!

And we made plans to meet YueenSan for lunch as well. hehe....

So, i got up bout 8am. before i could go and mandi, ms.Shelby Ng called me..."where are u?" I just woke up so still blur. Huh? at home la...."i tot u suppose to be at the passport place" Me : "yeah, going later..."

So...got ready....went to pick WengYan up...went to Subang terminal 3. Aduh!! the place gila wan!! SO many bumps....

was there bout 10 plus....left the place at 12noon. Fast hor?? hehehe

While we were there...talked bout stuff la....laughed a lot too..hehehe...the guy sitting next to me was prolly irritated at our laughters...eh, not me alone ok. Wengyan oso have a part to play okie..
so we had our cindy crawford and angelina jolie joke lar!!! hahaha...ask us...we'll tell u!! hahahah

den...after buat the passport...we went to KPMG to pick YueenSan up...went to McD for lunch...Haha!! Had quite a fun lunch...haha....sent her back to work and den we headed towards PJ - send WengYan home mar....On the way....Almost reaching Yan's house edi. Ms.Lim Li Yee called again..."You guys done edi anot? Where are u?" Me: Done edi. Sending Wengyan home.
Them : send home for what?? Me: what u mean for what?? Go home la... Them: Lets go out la...somewhere la!! Me : Where?? Them : Wengyan's house. Me: OK!

So....they came over...we had crazy fun....this is what we call spontaneous....So, it was a girl thing! Me, WEngYan, WengLi, Shelby and Liyee....had our chats and laughing and we re-told the Cindy Crawford and Angelina Jolie joke...hahah....Had a great time...got pillow fight oso.....we were all tired tho...so...lazing around in the hall.....talking....den, watched madagascar.....half way thru, most of us fell asleep. Haha....den, when we woke up, decide to go back....

hahah....

times like this, i have missed!! Crazy things that we Malaysians do!!! Things that we all will miss....esp with me, wengyan and wengli in uni edi...and i am FAR FAR away....aih!!! Shelby and Liyee will be entering uni REAL soon too. Aih!!! Don't get me wrong. Uni is fun. But, loneliness do creep in at times. Crazy things we do la!!! all missed.....

there are times when i wish i never need to go back to Singapore. but, i am reminded of my calling. I KNOW God has something great installed for me!!! If i dont have God, i'll probably be telling my mom and dad that i dowan to study anymore!!!!
But we all know that our God is a God that has great plans for us!!! So, there's ALWAYZ ALWAYZ hope!!!

:D

Sunday....

I told myself : Nope, no late nite out since there's gonna be worship on sunday.
But hey, i didn't keep to it!!

In fact, i got back only close to 2am. Thanks to football!! Ever seen a girl so crazy over football before? haha....

Got back....was feeling guilty. Told mom and dad that i'll be back by 12:30. Crept into house. Lights all off. All asleep!!

I went to bed too....but bro and mom were sleeping on my bed so i went and sleep in parent's room. Dad was snooring. How to sleep. Aih...was a little irritated already. Dah la i want to sleep early coz i dowan to be half asleep when in church tmr. God deserves more!! Den i saw mom waking up and going to the window to see whether my car is back anot. She den, went into the room and slept next to me. Well, she fell asleep REAL fast. And guess what? She started snooring too!!! (Shhh...dont tell my mom i told u this...) hahahah... So, i was like...THAT IS IT!!! I'm not sleeping!!!! I'll just go and spend time with the LORD...prepare for sunday...and den go to church!! But...as i think.....they are both snooring because they are super tired. And i know they have been very tired. Yet, not saying anything to me because they are thinking " aiyah, she's back for holidays...let her spend time out oso lar" and yet i know too that deep down in their hearts, they wish i was home more often!! And well, i almost cried. I know i have not been the best of daughters around!!

And at that moment....i thank God for my parents....I thank Him for granting me such understanding parents...thanking HIM for not demanding parents....thanking Him for such loving parents....

And well, as i was in church worshipping God today....the thing that i can offer back to HIM, is my gratitude and thanks for parents and siblings esp!! of course for friends too....but more for parents and siblings.....

hehe.....I love you all SOO much. And altho i dont show much, i'm sure u know i do!! Yeah mom, dad, leng, vern and aun!!!

:)

Guys?

Where are all the goody guys?

All good guys have been taken. Yes?? I donno. I hope not so.

Ok well...mebbe there are good guys but romantic, daring, decent and gentlemen are all gone!!!!

I'm not talking romantic the way the movies and the tv portray them to be. I'm talking bout guys who do and say sweet things NOT just because want to court that person. What? u say sweet things ONLY to court someone ar? No rite! Aih...guys like this extinct edi..hahah. Romantic guys...

daring guys...now now....more often than not, guys wait like 1000 years to tell a girl they like them. Alamak.....now, why lidat wan....

Gentlemen...oh no. Even more extinct. haha!!! Open door, offer to carry bags, Ladies first, save parking lots for girls?? bleah....stuff like that la...of course the list is not exhaustive la..

and oh, what bout guys who like girls who have their mind of their own? Deny it u might want to, but most guys that i know like gfs who "submit" to them so much so that they live only for the man?? hello??!! girls oso have their own mind wan u know....bleah....

hahah...but, where are the guys???? where oh where??

haha...i know i sound like SO desperate. Haha
I'm not la...i'm listening to sad love songs and i was just thinking "man, where are man?" Haha..
I'm glad to say i'm happy with where i am now...so...heheh....

haha....now, guys...start defending ur species....
and gals, agree?? hahahah

bleah....

Tired...

Slept oni at 4-ish close to 5am on thursday nite. Had a nice warm chat with dad...Well, we chatted till bout 2 plus la....Talked bout football, church, service...stuff la. And den, mom joined us towards the end. Hehe, it's alwiz great spending time just chatting with parents and siblings until late nite...catching up and stuff.... Frm 2 plus till 4 plus we were watching a football game. Yeah, Brazil vs. Greece. Ahh.....nice slow game...

Woke up at bout 9 plus close to 10 the next morning. Ahh...tired...hehehe

Saw my phone and saw 4 MESSAGES. Aiyo, i've been asleep oni bou 5 hours and got so many msg wan!

1 from Shelby : So, badminton still on anot?
1 from Jeremy : Can get tix for me to go back to Spore?
1 frm Jon : badminton 230 or 3 can?
1 frm JeeLeng : Come pick me up from school.

wah....so, i took went and bathe and walk to the office (coz parents left the car there) to take the car and drove to school and picked JeeLeng up. Went into school, wow...suprising eh. SOO many teachers recognise me and said their hies...hahahah

So...got home....went online..made arrangements and left home. Went to pick Shelby and Liyee up. Rushed to Subang coz late edi. Den again, no matter how late we are, the guys are usually later than us. Haha....So, Daniel, Jon and Justin came a bit later. Anyway, it was a good game!! No doubt about it. LOONG time didnt play edi....So, my back stroke needs somemore practise. Aiseh...it's like my favourite game. Hmm.....need to play more before i leave. Guys, wanna play again?

After the game....we had ice-kacang. And i found out something really interesting. Jon don't eat corn in ice-kacang too!!! Yay...At last, i found someone who share same stupidity...heheh...and we dont eat it for the same reason oso...wah...cool eh!! ahhaha

So, after the game and ice-kacang. We headed to Jon's home to mandi...but, alas.....a very bad experience i had. I mati engine!!! ARRGGHHH...HOW on earth did that happen on a straight and leveled road?? goodness, it wasn't even on a slope or something! Darn...me, who makes crazy u-turns and loves driving - can mati engine!!! this is humiliating man!! I'm so embarrased and i just can't believe it happened!!! It's still on my mind....aarrggghhh....Haha...i'm blaming it on my headache and i'm blaming it on the many months that i've not been driving! Hahah

Oh...on the way to Jon's house we had this crazy idea of stopping by MunOnn's house. Yeah. So we did...we dropped by his house and he invited us into his "sacred" room. Haha....Cool. But, when we left, this munonn just had to show his true colour. Like budak kecil oni..started throwing donno what nonsense to my car. I know la u dowan us to leave. Donnit to show tantrum wan...hehehe :P

So...mandi-ed and went to Williams for makan. Darn! Spent rm10 on food only. And den summore, i got so irritated with the food...hahah...everything was just dumped together...alamak. I know it's suppose to be like that but aiyah..kenot la..Den summore i got problem with spitting things onto tables wan...so, bleah....

We left then for McD at centrepoint. haha....Had Ice-Creams....kekee....


Williams, McD, KLIA

Then i dropped Daniel and Jon back to Williams to get back Jon's car. Me, Shelby and Liyee went to 1U for Batman with Su, KP, Josh, Yueen San, Aliza and Timothy.

Good show! But, i guess because i was too tired, i was struggling to stay awake. But, not too bad la. So, it wasn't such a bad struggle. At least, i saw how Batman got his training, His suit and his super tank and even how he overcame his fear...Haha...well, better than some people who fell asleep lar. Of course, we're tired la...so, memang bad thing to do - to watch movie when dead tired.

Okie...so, after movie we went to Dharoos for mamak. We parted bout 3 plus. Me, shelby and Liyee went to Puduraya to pick my friend up from singapore - TeckYong. So, picked him up and den picked his friend up too from Bukit Bintang. Den, we went to KLIA. Wah...so super long drive. Was dead tired edi at that time. Hehe, but well....by the time we left and i sent them home was bout 6 plus....i got home bout 7am. Dead tired.

Had a good long chat tho.....just the 3 of us....Gal talk la..what else..hahaha

Tiring day but it was good la...hehehe...Great fun!!!

Ciaoz....

*-sorry-*

I’ve been asked to clear my cupboard. Studying in Singapore yet I still occupy so many cupboards in the home. Haha…so mom asked me to clear my stuff today. Dump all that needs to be dump. Well, I’m kinda of a rubbish collector too. I keep almost everything. For sentimental reasons, I would tell myself. Oh well, as I was clearing my cupboard today, I threw some stuff la….out of which is my UKM stuff. Well, its nice to remember how the LORD worked things out for me regarding which university I should go to.

But, the highlight of the day was that I was looking into my cupboard and I saw this mooncake box. I was wondering “eh, what’s in there?” And as I opened it, I saw letters and things that REALLY has sentimental values…letters given by friends, things that we’ve done together…birthday cards, Christmas cards, CNY cards…stuff like that la…and wow, it really amazes me…God really loves me….reading the cards and notes by friends and family really touched my heart once again.

Life has changed a bit and its nice to be reminded what I’ve went through and its nice to remember who went through thick and thin with you and it’s great to know that these friends still care even up till now. And to these ppl, I not only appreciate the friendship that we had but the friendship that we’ve committed ourselves to have prolly for the rest of our lives??!!! Yeah, Thanks a million people!!! And the credit goes out to Weng Yan, Yin Ngai and Shelby!!!

As I think bout my previous 2 post and the things that has been on my mind for the past few days, I asked myself “ what has happened? Why don’t I trust God anymore in providing things for me? Why am I putting so much importance into what people will think of me?”

AIIIHHHH…..there isn’t much to say but to sigh and say sorry to God. He has never failed me and I know that but yet, I don’t trust HIM. And it sucks to know that I’m not trusting my master – the most trustworthy person!! Yeah, I’m sorry LORD.

May my life be a good testimony to You.
May my life glorify Your name.
May I live for You and You alone.
May I see heavens open and You reaching out Your hands welcoming me home when it’s time for me to go home – to experience what Stephen experienced in Acts 7.
May I hear these words from You : My good and faithful child!!
May I run the race well…
May I NEVER forget my first love – YOU, oh God!!!
May I never turn my face away from You – my Good and Awesome God and Father!!

I love you, Lord.
And I lift my voice.
To worship you.
Oh my soul, REJOICE.
Take joy, my King
In What You hear.
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear!!

-point blank-

Hmm....

It wasn't an argument. Not entirely true if i sed it was a misunderstanding too. I donno what i should call it either.

I thought I did something that I shouldn't have done. And i wanted to apologise and i wanted to do it ASAP. What for wait for so long rite? But there wasn't an opportune time. So, well....i waited. But, your body language tells me that you were not happy or you had thoughts in mind. All the more i wanted to apologise and explain and ask what was on your mind or ask are u angry with me or something but main point is that i wanted to talk! But, well....no opportunity. But, when we had the opportunity you didn't really open up. I guess it's probably because you're the type of person that do not want to talk bout things and would rather let things fade away. And myself on the other hand do not like to handle things like that. I rather talk... It's quite difficult when i know u feel something but do not want to talk about it and when we see each other, at the back of my head i wonder what's wrong and wish you would say something but i too know that you would not or rather not. And den, we start behaving like as if nothing has happened. It's quite difficult for me to pretend as if nothing has happen. You know la....I know i think too much but it's probably because i read much into things...things that were said...things that happened...way we all behaved...reaction to certain things...Yet i know, by pushing to settle things would make you angry. So, i'm stuck in between. Settle things in order that we learn from each other's mistake?

Anyway, about latest "misunderstanding", you're probably right...i mite have think too much. But, yeah....next time, can we talk about it than let it just fade away?! Pleaseeee.......
Things are probably fine rite?

okieee.....

:)

Bagan Lalang

2 days at Bagan Lalang spent with Shelby, Liyee, Samuel, Christopher and Keat Poh.

It was fun!! Woohoo...hahaha


Bagan Lalang

The scenery were awesome man!! Wow.....the sunset was beautiful....the lightnings at 3am was WOW!!!

And the monopoly game was fun...hahaha.....

and of course, thanks to u ppl, i finally played my first game of chor tai tee...yes, i've never played before...because oh well...everytime i wanna play, it's most of the time on the bus as we travel somewhere ke...or something....and well, no one want to teach properly and most of the time, i just tell myself "aiyah, go and talk to ppl better la.."

hehehe....so, yeah....i got my hands on chor tai tee edi...yeah!! hahahah

But, as i was doing my devotion on Tuesday, i was reading psalm 119. Haha....LONG psalm!! But, as i look back...it was awesome that God was telling me things before i need it even. Haha...
Psalm 119 told me many things but 2 that i wanna mention is that (1) He loves me and (2) His words matter A LOT!! and oh well, these 2 lessons cover a wide range actually. Haha

When things get depressing and oh well, not going the way u want it to be...and you wonder why are u like that or why did things have to happen the way it did and u just feel like *bleah* or *stupid!!*, you feel like shit and the best thing to do is to go to GOD and you know that all the truth that were mentioned is true till now. Yet, out of stubborness, we dont wanna read the BIBLE and talk to God. We rather dwell on the pain and whatever we're feeling. Rather stupid it sounds...but oh well...its kinda true...! We know what's best for us but we deliberately do not want to do it! Sounds stupid but me! hahah....Not funny also laugh!!! -crazy-

and oh well......

1. Am i choosy?
2. Am i demanding?
3. Am i complicated?
4. Is my company not welcomed?
5. Am i boring?
6. Am i rigid?
7. Am i proud?
8. Am i hurt?
9. Am i daring to take on new relationships?
10. Am i wanted?

hahaha....

I am weird....and yet, God loves me JUST as i AM...

woohoo...

*bleah*

Sleeping at 4am plus and waking up 3 hours plus later is the cause of me being so stone today! Haha....



okok...last nite was fun....today? hmmmm....it was fun too...except that all who went out came back with ONE question in their head...."why so quiet wan he?"
I donno why...hahah

But could it be me?

I've tried explaining tis to some ppl. It's not that i dont like hanging out with u guys...I DO!! The reason why i keep asking "sure?" is because i dowan to intrude. I'm serious! I know u guys probably don't have the exclusive thing in mind, but it's rude to intrude and it's not asian norm to tell that person. So, even if i was intruding, no one would say anything rite? So, make sure first before ppl start wondering why am i there!!

And to be honest, i'm getting all this feeling from only one person and i think u shd know who i am talking about. I know i shdn't care...It's a PMS thingy? i donno....but when he acts weird and when i read into the subtext, i kinda get A little of ' This is my bunch of friends and we are not ngam with u...so, piss off" (haha...mebbe not so bad la...but tat idea lar)....u get what i mean??

I've alwiz enjoyed sessions without that person...hahaha....EVIL!! but i'm just being frank. Not that i dont completely enjoy that person's company but i feel weird...uncomfortable...when there. I'm given the idea that i'm not wanted....so...YUCKSSS!!!

For instance, today was....FUN but weird.....

Just to make sure i'm not intruding, i make sure my presence is allowed!! So..all was ok. But, when there...it was....ehh....weird....

and well....movie was fun....crappy movie but it's alwiz fun to watch it in a grp because even non-funny scenes becomes funny scenes...hahah....laugh even over the not-so-funny things...haha..... but well, at least we're not the ONLY ones laughing....

Believe or make believe?

I'm a person who hates lies and fakeness. That's something that i do not accept and would think that i do not wish to do. Altho i do struggle a bit with lie. ESp small white lies.

I remember a few years ago...in church...i was quite close to this girl. Then, the inevitable happened. She changed. Well, it sucks!! We drifted and not close anymore. I remember using this term : she dumped me. So, i wasn't happy and i didn't want to talk to her. It came to a point where it's a hie and bye thing and i was happy to make it stay that way!! Then, she joined the fellowship that i was a member of. Well, she came in as someone of authority - a staff. So...ahh, i didnt want to go for the fellowship anymore. But, i wont let her get in the way between me and God and between me and other friends. So, i went. First day of the fellowship, she saw me and extended her arms wide wanting to give me a hug with a big smile on the face. What did i do? i just gave her a super cold look and told her "NO". Well, reason why i was cold? She didn't like me and i didn't like her. I think she changed. She prolly thinks the same of me. So, dont try to fake that BIG WARM smile and try to behave as if nothing has happened.

yeap...that was me....and the reason why i brought it up was because i AM still someone who hates pretencious ppl. And i can't stand it!!!

I'm the kind of person that if i think what u've done is wrong, i'll let u know. I'll be nice in telling u. but i will let u know. What happens after that depends on what ur reactions is to what i tell u. I dont mind being corrected and we can get into conversation in understanding what happened and why u did certain things and all that. I remembered gg thru the same thing with someone close!! I had to make a major decision in life. I was torn in between. Me friend didnt like the decision i made. I didnt like the way she reacted. well, it wasn't really for her to tell me what i shd do and what i shdn't rite? So, i didnt like it and she didn't like it....but we still pretended as if things were alrite. Until one day i behtahan edi. I went to speak to her. Asked : what happened? and then we spoke...she told me what her thoughts were and how she felt and why she acted the way she did. and i did the same. then, the make believe were all gone. WE comfortably behave and told each other the truth bout how we feel bout EVERYTHING. Isn't that healthy? The problem is that. Some ppl, unlike my friend, are not willing to talk bout things. They think "better fake things in order that she dont realise that things are weird and keep the relationship. rather than talk about it and spoil the relationship."

I'm in a situation whereby now....believe or make believe?

There was a strain in a friendship. We talked about it. Got it over. But, (i'm So ashamed to say this) i can't forgive that person - not completely!! and altho we've talked things out and things were understood but, the thing that came to mind : from now on, i'll keep my distance! Not because i hate that person. But prolly because i am afraid we'd make the same mistake and in the end, i'll get hurt! it's a painful thing!! so, i'd rather keep my distance.

Do u think my thinking is rite? what is wrong?

there's also another problem.
That person things that once all is settled, the hurt is gone. Well, the hurt mite seem small because it was only done in a matter of a few days before we talked it out. So, shd be quite small rite? Well, it's not small if I start crying over it. I'm not a small baby and i dont cry easily. I'd cry if i'm hurt and i'm angry. Haha....but yes....if i do cry over it, means its no small thing. So, i was hurt and the person who hurt me things that i'm "healed" but i dont think i am. In fact, i think i wanna keep my distance. and yet, its kinda hard to keep my distance. So, it's either i tell him the truth (and mebbe strain the friendship abit) or fake it all the way (and mebbe keep the friendship as it is). I donno what to do....

aihh.....

was it past relationships that make me so vulnerable to hurt...so fearful of being hurt...so protective over myself now? i donno.....am i still hurt?? why??? I donno....

*bleah*

ps: i'd prolly need to talk to someone about it...mebbe someone can offer a listening ear??
aagggghhh.....

Thanks...

Last nite we didnt manage to do a lot of painting because we ran out of paint! Haha....
Mom complained that the colour of the paint in the toilet is ugly. Oh well....I think it's alrite. We're just not used to it because we're so used to white mar. Nvm la...It's really okie...plus, we can alwiz go and get wallpapers or some sort of stickers la....put it on and we change the environment of the toilet. Refreshing!! this is when i say that mom old fashion and not up for change! hahah...

There has been lotsa things on mind lately. For what reason, i donno!!

Anyway, after our really short session of painting, i just sat down and watched tv with family.

Then...sms. I wonder who. Issit WeiLoon? - the one who complains that i did not ask them out for yum cha?- or issit Jon? - williams?- or issit YueenSan? - movie?-

haha...NONE of the above.

It was joshua.."my sources told me u were sad. Wassup?"

Me : HUH??? what sources and who told u what?
I was filled with curiosity at that time. Out of the blue, an sms from joshua. Well, the good thing is that Joshua's sms alwiz come at the rite time and alwiz shows concern. Haha...

So...yes, i appreciate it!!

Shelby called. but i was bathing. So i called back. Rupa-rupanya, Josh called her!! and ask bout me!! Wow....why would he call someone else and ask about me? not wanting to say the wrong thing to me? mebbe. I donno. But, thanks for the effort to make sure that u didnt add salt to the wound.

after talking to shelby and some thinking, i realised who the source was. Haha....

and nope. I wasn't sad. I was a little bit upset. NOTE: upset don't mean sad. k?!!
call it bengang or whatever but it wasn't sadness that i felt. And no worries...it's all over and gone and i'm fine....just wanna finish with the painting ASAP so that i can have the liberty to go out as much as i want to....spend time with friends....and family.....

Haha.....

todae...

Hmm....

Well, i woke up today feeling like shit! I slept early last nite coz i was down mar...so, went to bed bout 11 plus. Mind u, JeeLee has not slept at 11pm for the past (at least) 6 months....so, it was bad....i donno my headache was caused by the depression or the lack of sleep.

Anyway, tis morning woke up by my phone...agghh...msges for me mom. So, forwarded it to dad's hp. And...went back to sleep a few more times before i decide to get up at 11am. Haha....Well, u can call it a 12 hour sleep. But, my defense would be it wasn't a full 12 hours. I did wake up at 12am to watch star wars with family!! haha....

So, feeling shitty.....

I prayed.....God, take away this shittiness that i'm feeling....(I'm sure that God understood it) and i told HIM that i dont feel like spending time with HIm altho i know i should and i know that He can cheer me up. Felt a bit better. But, still -bleah-

Went for breakfast with sister and brother. Send brother for violin class. Came home and paint the house.

Half way painting, the phone rang. JeeLeng answered.It was JeeAun's teacher. "I think u forgot to pick JeeAun up. Please come and pick him up. Thanks."

JeeLeng : Who is suppose to pick JeeAun up?
Me : (tongue out) Oh NO!! I'm suppose to pick him up.

-I look at the clock...it's 2:30pm. His class ended at 1:30. Goodness, i'm 1 hour late. SHIT!-

told JeeLeng to come with me. My clothes dirty mar....so, sped to JeeAun's kindy. Got him and sent him to granny's place.

Got home and continue painting...Aiyoh!! Tired lar!!!

Well, i felt better after the whole "forgot to pick jeeaun incident and summore his teacher have to call to remind me." i sure forget if his teacher didn't call wan

Yeah...the laughter brighten up my heart abit...so, smiled!! and yes...feeling better now...heheheh

k....gtg liao...makan and den continue with painting...bye!!

-bleah-

Actually, today and last nite had been fun....and i mean it....it was FUN.

But, when we were looking for lunch, den mom called and asked where was i...me siblings waiting for food. it got me a bit bengang after a few calls. No shouting mind u. But, it got me upset.

I guess, i was upset partly because mom did not mentioned earlier bout me needing to get food for me siblings. So, being disturbed sucks! and another reason was because i probably felt a bit of guilt. For making me siblings to stay home and paint the house with the torturing music from my grandma. And the thought that came to mind :What kind of sister are u??!!

And i was pretty upset when i got home and grandma was there and she was so grumpy! and i jus can't stand it....and my grumpiness crept in because i havent bathed yet! HAH!!! i told u!!!

Trying to blog while i'm feeling like shit sucks too.....things are not coming out straight....

and there's a few things to do too....so, shucks!!!

edit later....cherios....

ps: if ANY one of u sees this today or tmr, try ur best to cheer me up okie.....i'm DOWN!! :P

Back (epi 2)

It's reporting time....

I was away at my beloved church's (The Life Chapel) retreat. Held at Trolak, Perak. 4 days without parents and it was pure church mates....where to start? hmm.....
The oni drive to go for that retreat was being able to spend time with friends...hahah....i donno why i was hesitant earlier (b4 camp), but now after camp, it was definitely fun...

Anyway, we went in Su's car...me, Shelby, LiYee and WengYan. Well, it was fun! I was pretty tired. So, was RELi looking forward to getting our rooms and tidur for a while. So, reached there....register....den realised, i am put in a bungalow different frm me close friends...oh no...So, i asked for a transfer...waaay b4 camp, we have been talking bout sleeping tog and talking till late nites and playing taboo and all that....so, it was dissapointing if we were in a different room kan? yeah...so, yay...manage to get a swap...change...everyone is happy!!

den...talk to some ppl...the adults saw me and said : eh, u're here....how long holiday ar? so, year one ended ar? how are u ar? where u sleeping ar? So, i chit-chatted a bit with the adults...I donno why, the adults never let me go...hahah...but its cool...coz i know that if i feel left out by the youths, i know that the adults care...(nvm nvm..i know that some just pure 38)...Yeah, so...its great to know that they care and they wanna know how i am doing...how has Singapore been treating me....and i too got the chance to ask how are they doing...got to clarify with some ppl bout the bulging tummy...yes, my guesses are right...they ARE pregnant...hehe...

So, there was a bit of aiyah, why kenot masuk room yet wan...make us wait oni... going on. But, nvm...time was spent well talking to ngai ngai...chatting..and den, yay...we got our keys...so, went and got into the bungalows...a bit dirty..but nvm...so, rested for a while...had dinner...and den went for our first session...our speaker, Andrew Cowell was GREAT!!!!! He reminded all of us again the importance of having an intimate relationship with God and not only that, but enjoying the relationship as well....that was very refreshing....and from that intimate relationship flows out worship and desire to serve HIM. I think many a times, servants of the LORD -esp those who serve in church and in edu inst. lose the intimate relationship with God and service becomes so technical and so boring and so draining. Well, with total conviction i dare say that without the enjoyment of the relationship, of course we'll be drained in our service lar! With the intimate relationship, i'm sure we'll be able to count it pure joy when we face trials , as James puts it!

ok...so after the talk, we had our discussions...then went back to sleep...well, we DID try to sleep early...hehehhe.....but, when shelby went into the toilet to change, WengYan shouted aggghhh, cockroach!!!!!!!!! and out came Shelby jumping out of the toilet and onto the two beds while shouting WHERE??? and of course, after seeing shelby's reaction, LiYee and Wengyan dashed out of the room screaming and shouting!!! I was blur and i went where?? haha...i'm not afraid of roaches...so, i told them, get me a slipper and me and yinngai braved the war zone....so, we got slippers and went hunting for the cockroaches since some of them can fly wan...killed 4 in the end....we shifted the bed so that it does not lean against the wall...considered that toilet DANGER and went to bed...So much for the first day!!

There were a lot of other things that we taught by Andrew...thanks a million to him....And i think one of the thing that amazed me was that i could see that leaders of our church were really asking the opinion of members of the church to see what could be applied from the things that were learnt from what the speaker said...yes, application is very important!! So, yeah....it really encouraged me to see the teachable hearts of TLC leaders....God bless ur hearts....

And during the camp, it was nice being able to catch up a bit with more ppl....like munonn, lijuin, siewling, aliza chiew, alina chin, felicia tan, adelene koh, lye yoong, geoffrey chin....well, at least we talk more la...hahah

highlight for 2nd day was the Hotsprings...It was fantastic...a whole pool....hot and...woohoo...it was fun!!! darn fun!!!

yeah.....everyday was fun....hahaha.....

the camp song is great, munonn and adrene!! It deserves much credit....mebbe we can add it onto the SOP yeah? hahah

Last nite, big commotion....cut the story real short, we tot there were thiefs trying to break into my neighbours house...everyone on the same street came with sticks and all.....even called the police...ended up, was a musang....CIS!!! LOL....
after that, went for mamak....went home....
SMS from LiYee, basically says : u free now? go mamak....near my house...
I said : I would love to but am dead tired so no thanks....
dat was 0030. at 0110 ,
shelby called : Why u dowan to come ar? U want me to pick u up?
me: No la....just tired....Bye...

This morning at 1000:
LiYee: Go put on ur socks and be outside of ur house in 5 minutes.
Me : (Still sleeping. Woke up to answer Liyee's call. So, BLUR)...huh?? 5 minutes??wear socks? for what???
LiYee: Don't ask...just get ur socks and be out of ur house in 5 minutes.Bye.

Me: (talking to myself) Was i dreaming?

Checked phone. Miss call from Shelby. Means i'm not dreaming.

Got up. Brush teeth. Wash face. Comb hair. Folded blankets. Waited.

Saw Shelby's car...went out to gate and shouted : what???

Shelby: get ur socks and come out...
Me: what for?
Shelby: What activities do u do that needs socks?
Me : (still blur) badminton???
Shelby, Liyee and Jon: LOL...
SHelby: no, not badminton...bowling..
Me: WHAT??? now?? i can't...gotta clear me bed and bathe....
Shelby: u can't say no...we drive all the way to KEPONG. U have to go...
Me: ok...come in first....

(oh...all this while not really realising that Jon was in the car...until i saw liyee sitting in the back seat, and i wondered why? den i saw...RED MAN U jersey...oh no, please dont tell me thats Jon).

they entered me house...i cleared the hall...haha...we slept in the hall coz me family is painting the house and the rooms...so, gotta sleep in the hall lar...i bathed and den we left...

went to Uptown for beef noodle (all thanks to Jon for his idea)...it was ok...hahah..Sorry la, but i memang tasted better ones...but it is really OK...not bad..

den, went to 1U to bowl....new place...ok....bowling session was...hmm...whats a good word? FUNNY!!! yeah....we all took turns to roll our ball to the longkang. Yeah, Jon say he first time wor....still better than some of us...hahaha...anyway...it was fun...yeah...we all sakit tangan after that.....went to taman tun for makan...well, we didn't makan....oni Sam, Topher and WengLi did!

went home...shelby sent me home....reached home at 4 plus....

folded clothes and den went online....checked me mail and stuff
while checking me mail....realised i've been put IC to do the NUS uni dedication service and i'm suppose to represent the Nus Navigators. I wonder why they put me in charge but i'm scared liao...so much to do...die lor...am i expected to say a few words during the dedication service? i hope not...hahah...sounds scary..i dont mind liasing with the other cfs in uni...but ask me to speak, i would reli need God's anointing man!!! hahahah

after that, went to get food...went home...

helped dad and bro to paint the house....den, went and pick sis and cousin. Went online..and here i am blogging...heheheh

going off soon...goodnites.....

back...

I'm back and i REALLY want to post something...except that me mom and my dad wants me to go and pack food and den bring it home and after makan, have to paint the house. Ish!!! And yet at the same time, not only do i need to blog, i need to write mails to ppl, need to report for camp...need to org stuff for cf and for eca....aiyoh.....got time for all anot...summore must spend time with friends b4 i leave and b4 friends start uni....and with family too...ishh.....

later lar yah....