Home....

Was back home for the weekend.

A long long story to write. Will fill in the details another day!! But, fruitful and meaningful time spent back home!!

MERDEKA!!!

Malaysia celebrates 48th year of independence!!!!

Mommy and daddy, i love you both so very very much and am thanking God for what wonderful parents He has blessed me with.....

Leng, Vern, Aun : sorry for not being there...

.....Tanggal tiga puluh satu,
bulan lapan,
lima puluh tujuh,
merdeka, merdeka......

Great day!!

It's late and I am sitting in the living room listening to Boyz2Men's End of the Road and trying to complete an essay that is due earlier. Beverly and Gloria is not too far away from me. They're on the dining table finishing their respective projects. My pathetic 2 page essay is nothing compared to what they are doing.

I really thank God for today. I slept really late last nite trying to finish up the readings that i am suppose to finish. I slept only at 3 plus close to 4am. And woke up at 730 to go to school for Quiet Time. Knowing that today is the craziest day in the entire week, i prayed and asked God for abundant strength and abundant joy! I need it. With only close to 4 hours of sleep and a 8 hour day today, i just know that I will die!! I am not gonna enjoy today because I will be so tired and will be so sleepy during class. So, i prayed "God, please grant me abundant strength and abundant joy. Not just strength for the day but abundantly that i may SHINE forth for you even through physical tiredness". And i went for my 1st class - EL2101 - Structure of Sentences and Meanings by Dr. Ho Chee Lick. He is a very interesting and funny lecturer. Definitely one of my favourites. But, i was so sleepy during his lecture that i actually closed my eyes and pretend to be listening with nods along the way. So, i prayed again...Oh no Lord, i dowan to fall asleep. ALL this technical things is just putting me to sleep. So, we had a break and amazingly, after the break i wasn't sleepy anymore. I was able to stay awake and absorb all that the proff was saying. From then onwards i went for classes after classes and amazingly, i wasn't even tired. In fact, i was very energetic. I went to lectures smiling and happily going for classes. All full of energy!! I was sooo suprised that i was so alive at the end of the day. Coz, i went for SN2234 - Gender and Female position in South Asia- and i was not sleepy. Most of the time, I will be dead at that class. I will be soooo sleepy that I won't be able to pay attention although i will sit in the first few front rows in the Lecture theatre. But amazingly, this time...i didn't sleep lor. In fact, i wasn't even sleepy. I was awake for the lecture!!! Which is a real amazement to me!!! Now, you people out there who knows that i am a sleepy pig, this is SOMETHING rite??? Yeah, and for all that i really thank the Lord!!

I came back after my lecture and swept the floors of the hall and den went to bed. In as much as the Lord granted me strength, i was tired and He knows i need to rest as well...So, i went to bed for 1 hour and den i got up, went down for dinner. And den, Julia asks me to sit in for their staff meeting. Aparently, no one informed the exco to be there. So, no exco members were there. See, there was an agreement that whenever there's a staff meeting, at least one of the exco members should be there. So, i sat in. But, not too long after that, mr.president arrives.

Half way through the meeting, i got a call from Grace but didnt answer the call coz i was in the meeting wert! Den, beverly calls....so, i tot donno what happen. So, i talked to bev only to find out that grace is sick!! So, i talked to Beverly and called Grace and decided to bring Grace to see the doctor!

Came back and was doing stuff until now lor....

A few thought in my mind....

I know we are close but somehow i feel some kind of resistance towards me. You don't like me issit? What is it that you're against me of? Are you jealous? Are you angry? I don't know but please do not treat me like that.

I saw you at Fong Seng just now. While i was walking back from sending Grace to the doctor. I think you just had your cg. Good to see you. I didn't say hie. coz i saw u were with your cg mates and so, i tot, dowan to disturb lar...Wished you looked my way!!!

I don't know what is wrong with us as well. I sense coldness. I hope i am wrong and hope that i am too sensitive but i somehow seem to get the idea that you are cold. I dont like it. I know you know that there are some issues about us that i am still thinking about. But, why the sudden coldness? Didn't we talked about it and all was fine. Was it temporal?? Was it all an act? I donno and i wont know until you explain. I don't have the guts to ask you what is wrong neither have i the guts to write you an email. I so want to know what is the matter. Ahh...maybe i should just wait for you to open up and say something!! and i dowan to lie, but it hurts. You know what happened a few months ago when someone close to me suddenly gave me a cold shoulder and you know what, in as much as i have forgiven that person and we have already reconciled, i am still hurt! And it hurts tis time as well. Because i do not know what happened and now suddenly, a cold shoulder.Let's face it, no one likes to be given a cold shoulder.I can still accept it but maybe you can explain? Maybe we should talk about what happened. I dowan it to jeopardise our relationship - be it working or not.

Anyway, it's all in the Lord's hands and like i mentioned to someone dear as well, I will pray about all this issues....it's important to leave all burdens and worries into His hands!!!

Sidetrack

This is real sidetrack. It really hasn't been in my mind!! REALLY!!

I was reading Lydia's blog and this thought came to mind :

I still want to get married (by 23) and want to have children!!

Babies to carry and nurture....
Toddlers to smile and laugh at....
Kids to teach and be irritated with and yet laugh at their adorable-ness.
Primary school aged kids to handle and make sure they dont fall into the "dark side".
Teens to care and really SHOW love for - be there for them, guiding them, challenging them to love God.
Young ADults - haha, i donno! I myself am not there yet!! Bleah.....SOON tho...

Talking about that, where and with whom shall i celebrate my 21st birthday? ACtually, it's not important la. It's JUST another day! Hehe.... I hope at least someone will remember! :D But, no big deal even if people dont!

Haha.....

Anyway, yes, the thought is still in my head

Will i ever get married? I hope so but things seem tough. Me married?? Hmm... I can't even imagine myself having a bf lor. WHo can?! haha....and, have kids...

JeeLee is crazy liao....

Bleah....

Nvm, it's all in God's hands....

NOTE: I am NOT saying that I want a bf ok. I donno why. I know it makes me sound like a sick person and i know it sounds weird but i'm only dreaming about getting married and having kids but having a bf is not something that is on my mind. Man, that sounds so sick!! But, haha....i assure you I am NOT in a "i-want-a-bf" mood!!! :D

Saturday

I had a very very good start to today!

Woke up early to go to the Botanical Garden together with Julia, Hui Li, Jeremy, James, Jeff, Cuong, William and QingXiang.

Me and Hui Li (and later Julia) went to one area and had ETWG (Extended Time with God). We sat at different "huts" and had our own seperate time with the Lord. It was great. I know I had a few things in mind that i would like to ask God about. But, because time was tight (yeah, 3 hours wasn't enuff - craziness) so I could only speak to God about 1 area and 1 issue. Aiseh!! Still, it was a very very very TREMENDOUSLY good time spent. Cried in the park and was looking really silly coz people were walking around the area. Apalah!! I won't give details but it basically is something very difficult that God wants me to do but i know and i think i see a glimpse of why He wants me to do those things. I thank God for His revelation and for answering my prayers! It's tough Lord but I will do it if u want me to! Because I know You love me and I love you too! :D

Reached home and slept!! Haha...I am a pig! But, i donno why leh. I was tired. After i sent Hui Li off i really felt tired lor...aiseh, so i went to bed! Slept for almost 2 hours leh! Got up. Household chores!! The household got together to pray for those going back to their respective homes!! then Hui Yue and Fun left for airport. They were suppose to meet at Clementi MRT at 615pm. Den, have dinner in the airport. But because household chores were not done yet, so i left later. I left close to 7pm and reached Changi bout 8 plus. Went to have dinner together with the rest. The chilli Crab was really fantastic lor!! I want more!!! Haha...PIGgie...

BYE BYE JEFF!!!

So many goodbyes in 1 week. Jeff came to Singapore for missions. I'll miss him. I couldn't tahan earlier on. I exclaimed "Jeff is sooo cute!" Haha.....I really think He is!! I donno if saying "he is so far the most adorable person i've ever met" is an exegeration but i really really think he is so adorable lor. I know he is not cute - in terms of looks. But, he's the REAL teddy bear!! Oh man!! And people think he's very serious, i think his playfulness and kiddish-ness is so charming! Of course, more charming is his love for the Lord and for the lost ones! and to be where God wants him to be! Waaahh.....so nice! And no! It's not that he is an ang mo! He's just adorable lar! With the height and with the size and with the outlook maturity yet so childish at times. Man!!! That is just so cute lor!!!

ok....stop it with Jeff!!!

I am NOT sad over Jeff leaving us. I looked sad coz i had things in my mind. Probably only Hui Li and Julia would know exactly how i am feeling towards what God has said to me this morning! TOUGH job!! Haha....And things that the Lord asks us to do IS worth giving thoughts to!!!Yeah!

Anyway, Shelby's very suprising SMS really gave me a shock!! Wah....I would really love to do it!! REALLY. But, why u ask me? I don't think i can do it lor. Not that i dowan to do but i think others can do it waaay better than me!! But, if u say u want me to do it, i will!!! ALL out for it!! :D Looking forward to it!! :D

hmm..??

Memorial day!

Woke up late and miss EL2102 class.
Went to had lunch with Regina and having ONLY sandwiches and cincau.
Went to library to study (and sleep ;p)
Went to meet Choi Kwun.
Went back to library to read Finding Freedom.
Went to bring Karen into the library (to study together lar).
Went for dinner with Karen. (And met Shaun on the way to Arts canteen)
Went to PGP for AGM.

I met 3 (THREE) people today! And yet got the time to study and read a book! Of course didnt finish it lar. Still, it was amazing that i found the time to do such things.

My mind is all around right now. I donno exactly why i feel the way i do. Today was a great day wert. Maybe because of the things i read in the book and maybe because i'm just thinking of the things that were happening in my life. The things that God is telling me. And then, AGM...the things that God is telling me. The implementation of the things that God is asking me to do. And knowing that Karen was probably not very comfortable with the things that we did during AGM and not being able to send her to the bus stop. Aiseh!! The things that happened!!

Anyway, tomorrow there's SPP (Slumber Party and Prayer)...We're gonna go to the botanical garden! Should be quite interesting rite?So, yeah...gonna spend some extra time with the Lord together in His beautiful place!! I am excited! Of course la. Who wouldn't rite?

I miss home dearly though.
I was just reading letters from home - family and friends.
Man, I miss you guys sooooo much!!

Leng, i brought out the stickers of our picture together. :D
I miss you!!!

Ngai, I re-read the letters and cards.
I miss you too.

Yan, I re-read all the love letters.
I miss you too.

YF of Life Chapel, I miss you guys...

Su, thanks for being such a good friend and i'm truly very sorry for not being there for you when u need someone.

San, i re-read the notes and bookmarks and the cards and I will not forget our friendship and ur love for me. :D

Shelby, ah...the letters and small little notes....Needless to say, i'm missing u too.

Missing home dearly!!!

But, it's ok. God's with me and with the people that i love!!

:D

UDS

I am dead tired today. I slept quite late last nite. Not very late but quite. I was a bit emo last nite as i went to bed. I have no idea why but its probably because i was talking to Adelene and was thinking of what she is going through! Ah, I will not comment about it here. And, i was listening to the song that Jon wrote for Chuen. I know i dont know Chuen very well neither have i known him for very long. It was only 1 Ipoh trip lor. Although it's only been 1 Ipoh trip and mebbe mamak ONCE, still i kinda miss u. And i can imagine how Jon's feeling, how Kat's feeling, how Arvind's feeling, how ur family is feeling or how ur church friends are feeling. Chuen will probably never read this but i want to say that it was nice meeting you and knowing you. When Jon asked whether wanna go to Ipoh, I almost said no. Because I know that he's going with u guys and i will feel really awkward because i don't even know anyone of u. What for i go rite? And, not to make matters worse but some people do not portray u as a very nice person. But, meeting you was really my pleasure!! U are such a nice person!! And the way you showed respect and hospitality was really very impressive! How u made the effort to make me feel welcomed. Thanks a million Chuen. And, like i said, it is my privilege to have met and known u!!

I slept on the sofa last nite....was charging my phone and wanted to wake up early so decided to stay in the hall...didnt had a good nite rest obviously! But still had to wake up early to go for QT tis morning in YIH. And den, went for class. Was suppose to meet PeiPei but she couldn't make it. So, went and had lunch with HuiLi instead and went to her room...Den, went for lect and den went for UDS.

Now, UDS was quite cool! Meeting ppl from CCC and VCF was nice!! Something happened.
Saw him. Ah! -no comment-
Met Karen and she said she wanted to go to toilet. I went into the hall. Then, when i came back out, i didnt see her liao. I felt horrible! I was about to cry edi. How can i leave her!! I am so horrible!!! And i tried calling her so many times....went out and look for her....did so many things but couldn't find her. Felt really bad. Den, worship start liao....Edgar comes and tell me i've been volunteered to pray. I was so shock i think i grabbed his arm too hard edi. I'm scared lar. Ask me to speak or pray or do anything infront of a big crowd, i get scared. U ask me to sing, ask me to act, ask me to conduct, ask me to mime, i can!! No problem!! And please lor, need to tell me earlier mar. Last minute stuff freak me out wan lor! And, about karen. I really learn to let God take control of situation. I learn to let God has HIS way and HIS plan!! His perfect plan!

And as for edgar asking me to pray, i almost slap myself over it. Again and again, i let how i think about myself and how much i think i can do get in the way of my service for the Lord!! I am so sorry, Lord. Its just that i am so afraid that i think my stupid heartbeat will take over my ears from listening to You!! there and then, i asked God for His forgiveness as well....i cannot be like this!! I cannot let myself get in God's way!!! SOrry Lord!! Sorry Lord....

But, when we broke up in groups to pray, i prayed so hard my head started to ache as well. haha! So, my heartbeat didnt take over my ears!! Haha....

All in all, it was good listening to God speak to us what He has in HIS heart for NUS. It was good to hear what God has to say to NUS Christians through Proff Benny Tan! It was good being ministered to.

Lord, right now 1 question came to mind. Do u mind me being a slow learner???

Long time ago....

wah....I'm alive!! It's been so long since i last blogged and its because i've been busy. So, this is just a little update.

I can't exactly remember when i last blogged and what was it about. ;P

But anyway, things have been going on and on....But, i must first of all thank ALL those who have expressed concern over my tired looking face and my lack of sleep! I assure you that it was only a little lack of sleep and it was because i had been spending a lot of time talking to God and people concerning a few things thats deep in my heart. God has been speaking to me a lot lately and therefore it has been great. And, i'm intending to continue spending MORE time with the Lord as i know i can be pretty tired with all the running about and all that and getting strength from the Lord and don't worry! I AM getting enough sleep!!!! I am a piggie lor. How u think i can survive without sleeping enuff? i know myself and i will sleep okie!!! but thanks for caring....

Mainly, the Lord has been speaking to me about a lot of things...and its been very interesting. Of course, in the process i kinda found out that the Lord is expecting or wanting me to give up something that is very hard to. And so, its been a bit painful when i think about it but i want to give beautifully to the Lord!!! :D And i'm sure He knows that i am quite ready to give those things up...as in, He has been preparing me for it. I just didnt see it....

But lately i've been just drawing my strength from Him and speaking to Him so much that it helps so much in the things that i do!!! :D

I met a girl today. Conservative. But as i spoke to her about the NAv's practices, it got a bit more difficult because she's like NONO to some of the worship practices. A lot of things ran through my mind but one thing that was more applicable to me than to anyone else was that God was in a way dealing with my self-esteem. I feel that i'm probably not the best person to represent the nav and go and speak to someone who wants to know so much bout our practises and such. And as we were conversing, she said this "i'm petrified".....first thing that ran thru my mind, "oh no, what did i say wrong?" hmmm.....but i went on to remember that my Lord is my confidence and He will annoint my lips lor...And, its pretty weird that God allowed her to come in contact with me instead of with someone else. And it's cool!!! And so i know that the Lord will use me!! :D Whether or not whatever i have said is in her mind, i dont know but more importantly is that she will allow God to speak to her concerning this matter!! :D

and something REALLY embarrassing happened today. I screamed real loud today because of a stupid toad. Man!!!! so memalukan lor!!!

Today we had sunset prayer. It was nice meeting up with fellow vcf-ers....didnt meet any campus crusaders tho....but still!! :D It was nice praying alongside with fellow brothers and sisters for the campus!!

Anyway, just to side track abit : Hanya masa yang menentukannya. Saya tidak mengerti. Saya tidak tahu. Saya tidak berani mengetahui jawapannya. Saya rasa takut, kadang-kala. Namun, hanya masa dan keinginan Tuhan yang akan menentukan segala-galanya. Saya hanya akan biarkan segala-galanya berlaku dalam masa tyang telah NYA menentukan!! :D

Freshmen Welcome Party

Today was the freshmen welcome party and it was good. But i now feel i'm close to dead. Julia said she thinks i've been going on 5th gear and moving on and on and she thinks i'm beyond tired. Haha!

Yes? No? I donno.

Honestly, I don't think i have been doing much.

But today, i dont deny that i am very tired. In fact i was very tired yesterday. Last nite, i could only tahan until 3am. After that, i decided to go to bed. I cannot stand it liao....too tired liao. I need to sleep...plus, this morning i had a 10am class and i was having a tremendously bad headache that i am suspecting that it was a minor migrane. Not too sure. Anyway, i said goodnite to Gloria and went up to bed. Went to my room and saw Karina sleeping. She kinda slept into my "territory " and well, i decided to sleep downstairs at the sofa. So, ok lor.... slept at the sofa. Wahlau, my head was killing me man. I couldn't sleep and it was so frustrating because here i am tired and dying of headache and i really really need sleep and i can't sleep! Wah paing!!! How FUN can that be?!!!!

So, i didn't sleep throughout the nite. Wah lau! I was sure going to die this morning. I knew it.

So, i woke up...feeling all horrible. Eyes could barely open....I was soooo tired....My head was spinning. My tummy was giving me a funny noice and a funny feeling. No, i was not hungry but i was feeling nauseous. Rite now, i dont feel so nauseous edi. I just feel there's this burning sensation in me...aduh. What is that all about man??!!

Anyway, i got up and went for class. Met Janice there. Been so long since i last saw her. As in, we met during the matric fair but that also wasn't very long only. haha...And it was nice attending classes together again. :D My lecturer is so funny lor. She's old and she reminds me of the teacher in the Mind Your Own Language series. haha....And i almost fell asleep during class....heheh. Anyway, during lecture, i felt like talking to JieYao...just to ask him how he is. Been wanting to ask him how he is especially after the exco meeting incident. So, took today as an opportunity to speak to him lor. Altho i was dead tired and i really really wanted to go back to sleep but i think it would be better for me to speak to him and show my love and care and ask him how he is doing. So, we met. Talked and Bro, i just wanna say that the pure reason why i asked u out was to ask how you have been. :D And i'm glad that u are ok! Hehe....

Met Jillian while we were having lunch and she came over to have lunch together with us. Was a great time catching up with her as well. I've been wanting to spend more time with her. Bonding and all...but never got the opportunity to do so. Glad God made our paths cross today. She was suppose to be meeting a friend after that but her friend called her last minute and cancelled the meeting while Jill was there with us. Wow! So, Jill had lunch with us and den, she and i walked to Bern's place where we're gonna cook. Half way walking, we bumped into Julia and she offered to drive us to bern's place. So, ok lor.

reached bern's place, immediately start work. Cut all the ingredients....Did all the preparation work for the fried rice that i was going to cook. Thanks Jing for boiling the rice this morning! (when i was at class)...so, i cooked. And it was so tiring coz the knife's in Bern's house is not all sharp. But it was so funny coz Jillian looked at the way i cooked and kept saying "waahh...waaahhh" hahah.....well, the reason is NOT because i cook well. U ask the NAV ppl who ate my horrible Fried Rice. They will tell u i cook horribly!!!! The reason why Jill was so amazed was probably because she rarely eat chinese food...hahah

ANYWAY, my arms are aching like crazy now because of the cooking. I fried 4 trays of rice....1 and a little more POT of rice cooker!!! MOMMY!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU??
I need my mommy to cook for me...and i need my daddy to massage for me!!!!

Haha....but all thanks goes to God. Coz quite a number of things didn't go as i would like to have gone with the fried rice but it all turn out well anyway. hehe....Sorry la nav ppl, i can't cook well. that's all i can offer!!

Anyway, darn tired.....
Physically tired.....
Arm aching....
Body not functioning really well....
i think i too tired liao....
body clock also gone crazy liao.....

But, thank You Lord for all that happened!!!!

:D

PUSH....

am i tiring myself out?

I know it sounds pretty silly if i say i dont. I know i am tired but i feel i havent put in effort because i know my capability. I know i can do much more than what i am doing now. But, i have no idea why i am so tired. Is it because of all this emotional battle (?) and this spiritual battle (?)....I dowan to boast but mommy and daddy has trained me to endure and endure....to push myself to the max and i thank them for that. I can do it!!! I can push myself.....but, should I?

I can go on for days without sleep....just gimme 30 mins nap perday and i can function liao. But, limit is 1 week lar.....or mebbe 5 days...hahah.....

I think i'm sleeping too much lately.....
I think i've not been smiling too much....
I think i've been spending too much time in the library....(All i can offer Yan Kan is my stupid, ugly, pathetic smile.)
I think i've been bothering edgar too much lately....
I think i should stop thinking....

I know what i think of myself doesnt matter and what others think of me don't matter as well.
I know I sound like I'm in deep trouble.
But, deep down in me I know what is happening and I am very clear of what is going on.
I know what i need to do and I will do so.
I know that I will take any necessary action in order that my relationship with the Lord do not suffer.
Because I know that deep deep down down HE matters A LOT to me!!

At the end of it, all i want to say is this :

I know many of you are worried for me
"Why all the weird weird posts?" you may ask
But dont worry.
I am alright.
I am not consoling myself or you.
I am really OK.

God is with me and what else i need?
God is with me and when HE is for me, then who can be against me?

Immanuel.

I am not worried.
Neither should you.

I know who holds my hands.
I know where my security lies.
I know my source of comfort.
I know my battle.
I know I have already won - Christ did it for me!

So, dont worry about me.
Do not even need to be concerned.

For I know what The Lord is doing.
And maybe you should know too.
He's pruning me.
He's refining me.
There is no need for worry.

I asked for pruning.
I asked for refining.
It is a dangerous prayer.
But I said it.
And i don't regret it.
I want to grow.
I want to learn.
I want to be who God wants me to be.
And I am happy.

I hope you all are happy with me.
I hope the Lord is happy.

:D

Spore's National Day

Here I am, blogging bout how i celebrated Singapore's 40th National Day. And i bear in mind while celebrating Spore's National Day that I wont even be back in Malaysia to celebrate my beloved country's national Day. Well well, we Malaysians had a gathering and sang Malaysian songs while on the way back. Wah, really pour cold water lor!!!! Hahaha...yes, my Singaporean friends tried singing their own national anthem to tembak us! Hahah quite funny to see the younger generations competing to see who's national anthem sounds better. hah!

Anyway, today was quite nice! As in, i enjoyed it lar. The walk to Marina City Park was crazy!!! Plus u gotta carry stuff. Wah!! Sweating like crazy lor! Anyway, reached there...chaotic a bit because me and ronglong and karina were suppose to come up with the groupings but karina was not well and we didnt have the right number from the beginning. So, we couldn't do the grouping. Plus, i was busy with the collection of money and the registration. It was nice being so busy. haha! I'm weird but it was really nice being busy....woohoo....get myself all pumped up. Haha

Anyway, we had the food race and then me, peifen and Feli went over to Millenia walk to prepare for the "obstacle course" i wondered who even considered it an obstacle course. Probably the guys la. Coz, we played all the rubber ropes thingy....hahahah...But, it was really funny and nice!!! It was tiring but interesting.

The walk back to the place of meeting was crazily jammed with people. They will just put up their cameras la....everything on the bridge so that they can take pictures of the fireworks. Aiseh. But of course we managed to pass through and den reached our meeting place and therefore yay!!! Get to sit and eat. haha....but i had no dinner since no one called and asked. So, all i had for dinner was fishballs ( i know i LOVE fishballs la, but donnit to do this to me wan!) and a piece of chicken, all thanks to Noel!!! Really. If i know, i would whine more in front of you man! Hahah...but those were just mere complaining sessions...no anger or what sort....U know la...i just like to complain to ppl about not getting food for me...hahahah

Anyway, yes...the planes and jets that were flying around were just way too cool. I wish i can fly a plane too...hahahah. And, of course the fireworks were awesome!! Man, i didnt know what to say liao....darn nice! Aiseh...too bad dont have boyfriend. Haha...romantic betul!!! Hahah.....

So, we baliked and memang all real tired but somehow something made me stay up until 3pm. Haha....things can work out to be pretty amazing sometimes. Thank You Lord!

It is small little things like this that u have allowed to take place that i know YOU really REALLY love me and YOU really care even for the smallest stuff....

Goodnite.....

I'll be up in 4 hours time for QT and den start of a new day....My first class and meeting contact and doing bs and meeting Hui Li. Huili's name is spelled HUI LI!!!! :D

Run...Run...Run...

Run, Run, as fast as you can
You can't catch me
I'm the gingerbread man!

That's how i feel now. I feel i've been running so much...running from problems or emotional issue and not wanting to confront any of them..I mean, i know i still seem ok to some people...just been tired and yes, i've been tired. Emotional battle can be quite tiring. I dont like to admit this but i am battling inside me. Having an emotional battle. And i noticed it probably only 2 days ago when i pop the question to myself "why have i been so tired lately?" and i just try to think and think and think....and i yes, emotional battle do leave me tired and not-so-healthy thoughts do come to mind. Thoughts like "can i be lazy and sleep the whole day?" "can i sleep and not wake up?" yeah.

So far, only mommy and Su knows what is it i'm battling with. Not that i want to hide it from anyone of u close friends but i just dont want to admit it and i dont feel like telling anyone.

stress....stress...stress....

expectations that people have on me....

Run the way people expect you to
Be the person people want you to

When other people expect you to do something but the person involved is not reciprocating. Now, how difficult can that be??!!!

I'm not a person who easily gives up (or so i would like to think) but it's been so painful and so stressful and so tiring that i really dowan to continue....

Now, can i give up please??!!

FOP...

Went for FOP today. I know the rest of the ppl who went for FOP last nite had quite a good time. But, alas....i had my DnD. So, tak jadi go for FOP. Den, this afternoon tek msged and ask whether i want to go for FOP and i said yes. So, we went for FOP(Festival of Praise)...Tek drove. Thanks man!

FOP featured Hillsongs and Delirious?....Yes, that means seeing Darlene Zschech and Martin Smith LIVE!!!

Well, let me fill you in in the details....

Tek picked me up at bout 3:30 and we went to pick his friend up at Kallang MRT station - Alif. And den we even picked up ppl at the mrt station - offered "Wanna go to the indoor stadium?" So, a few fellas hop into the van Tek was driving. Wah...quite cool eh. I think if i were in Malaysia, i wouldn't even dare to offer and ppl wouldn't even dare to hop into the vehicle.

We parked the van and went down to line up. That was about 4:30 (?). And den i heard that the gate opens only at 6pm. Woohoo.....Great!! 1 1/2 hours to wait...I'm not the kind of person who'll wait for "concerts" to start and all that lor...Bukit Jalil waiting area got air cond wan leh....here dont have!! So, was sweating like mad. But, i really thank God...U know, the whole time i was there, the sun had no direct shine on me!! Which was pretty amazing and i really thank God for that. I'll probably get soo iritated with the sun and all...haha...so thank God for providing and understanding me so well....And yeah, it was warm and i was sweating but the breeze were cooling and it was pretty nice to sense the breeze in the midst of our sweat. hahaha....Jeremy came while we were lining up and joined us.....we took some photos oso.... :D The queue at 5 plus were super duper long!!!! Luckily we came a little earlier.....

Gates were open at 6pm and we manage to enter about 6 plus...and den, got a seat. Not the best seat ever. I kinda complained...but nvm, get to see words on the huge screen can edi....

Darlene isn't as pretty as everyone think she is....but Martin Smith is darn good looking. Haha!!! He's got this heart-melting smile man!!!! When i see or meet a person, it's the smile that i notice. And his smile is sooo nice!!!

Anyway, as i was seating on the seat waiting for the FOP to start, i prayed : Lord, please help me to not treat this as another concert but let me worship you!!! That you will be pleased with the worship." And well welll......i enjoyed myself sooo much! not because i got to see hillsongs and delirious? live but because i enjoyed my time of worshipping God and just speaking to Him and communicating with Him. It was fun!!! And it was really really nice. And you know, i never went to a "concert " talking to HIM so much and singing lesser....Yeah, i think it was more fantastic than just singing!!

And you know what amazing thing i experienced today? As Darlene invited non christians to come up front to receive Christ and asked Christians around to pray, i did. And i cried. Why? It was pretty weird but definitely a great great GREAT feeling....Can't think of a word to describe how i felt. Probably there isn't one also. Anyway, i cried because i felt God's love flowing out to those out there at the aisle....out there to give their live to God, out there to accept what our Lord Jesus Christ did for us..... Yeah...i felt SOOOO loved by Him and felt that the Lord loved these people soo much. And it just brought to mind how God would have felt when i came to accept Him as my Lord and King!!!! God loves me!!! And you!!!! Yeah.....as i prayed for them, i cried...hehehe...it was awesome tho.....feeling God's love flowing through.....awesome!!!

That wasn't the only time i shed tears throughout FOP...there were many other times as well....

We left the indoor statium at about 11pm. Reached home about 11:45pm. On the way home, i got an sms from Rebecca (i blogged about her a little last nite) and i was so touched. She thank me for my work during the whole DnD process and me taking care of them and being their nanny. Haha.....I was touched because i really didn't do very much.....yes, i was running around...making sure they have all their dance steps and their moves all right so that they dont embarasse themselves on stage....make sure they get their hair and make up done and making sure they get TWO dry runs...and cue of events la....make sure they dont go hungry la......i still think it was nothing much!! but thanks for acknowledging and thanking me!! It means something to me! :D and well, even when i made mistakes, u were gracious to forgive me...

ok la.....i was wanting to talk to mr.busy about himself. How's he been doing and wassup in his life...but, he says he's tired but honestly, i've been pretty afraid to even pop-up that question. He or even others mite think that i dont even care how he feels and how life has been to him. I want to know and i want to be his friend. But, he seems so uncomfortable talking or even sharing with me.....what more talk about his life to me!! So, oh well.....i popped the question and he said he was sleepy. I understand. I know u slept really late last nite and gotta wake up really early tmr morning. but, i hope we'll get a chance to talk. I think tis is part of what i mean by u only talk business with me. Ahh....nvm....nvm....

How am i doing? Alrite and not so alrite...I'm enjoying the time i have with the Lord...my walk with Him...my relationship with Him.....But on the other hand, i do have some things in my mind that can be pretty disturbing but i'm brushing the issue aside and not confronting it because emotionally and mentally i'm pretty tired. I know this is not the best way to work things out but give me some time and i'll confront those issues...and the necessary people.

Cheers....

:D

reports....reports....reports....

I decided to blog today altho it's like 12:45 am liao. I'm like so super duper tired but i tot that if i blogged tmr, i'll need to blog for 3 days' event into 1 blog. haha...I'm lazy

Anyway, yeah....Yesterday on friday, we had BS bonding session. For once i played luzor. The first time i saw the game at Li's house (Remember Jon?) And well, jon said it was fun but i never tried it and i am definitely not a computer / internet game person. The only 2 games i play is probably solitaire and minesweeper. Haha......So, it was fun playing lozor....Hahah...Yeah, while i was playing it, edgar came. Ahh.....and i was SOOO rude. I didn't even stop the game or do anything like that. He just sat down and talked to me and i just continue to play my game while talking to him....Rude rite? Ahh...sorry edgar.

Bonding time was quite fun....we played bingo (ok, that was boring) and some card game....den we make ice-cream cake?! It was fun.....Me, miffy and HuiLi smashing toblerone and cheese cream....Hahaha....Oh wait. James joined us...he's back frm Israel....:D We then prayed for Zach and Liren....

hmm.....why is it that people say i'm a people person? I am not lor. Coz, i dont get news from people as fast as non-people person do. Hah!! As in, sometimes i feel like i know nothing about people, and konon-nya i'm the people person.....Ish....

Another highlight wa card-making session...i make horrible cards!!!! HORRIBLE ONES....and i think i'm kinda ashamed to give the card to the person i made the card for....I normally make quite good ones when i'm alone...but when i'm with so many ppl, somehow, the fingers just dont seem to move and my mind is empty...

Anyway, i was at New Park hotel today. The whole day getting ready for the DnD. And yeah, it was fun but dead tiring coz gotta bring the pageant people to do make up n hair styling la....back to hotel for rehersal la....all sorts of funny things and they made me put on make up and style my hair!!! I hated it lor!!! Hated it to the max.....I can't stand to put things on my face and plus to wax or style my hair, i lagilah dont like....I ONLY put on make up when i'm on stage lor!!!And my hair...Pity my hair oni...hahah...i don't have the nicest hair on the face of the earth but it took me a lot of effort to make my hair the condition it is in now. See pictures of me when i was younger and you'll know what i mean....Anyway, tiring day......

Winner was Benedict and Yvette. I like Benedict. A gentleman. Polite. Decent. Respectful. Humble. I prefer Rebecca compared to Yvette tho. I find Rebecca someone who's strong in her decisions and her values. A christian. A pretty girl. A decent girl. A gentle girl. A polite girl. A respectful girl. Humble. :D

Glad the DnD (Dinner and Dance) is over edi. Now can go back to sleep...yay!!!

Blogging....

I started blogging not too long ago. Probably only one year ago...or less. And I remember how it happened. I was reading JunYi's blog and remembered that a few years ago, i started a blog but never maintained it and therefore, deleted it. And so, i decided to re-start one. David was the one who brought up to me to re-start one again. I didn't feel it was necessary but can be quite fun at times...so, Hmmm?? to start a new blog or not?? but, because i'm in Singapore and i had the habit of writing personal mails to friends back in KL to update them of how i am and what i have been up to, i thought it would save more time if i blogged bout my days and they can easily access my blog and know what i've been up to. Of course, i've not neglected writing mails to them as well.....(at least, i hope my friends don't feel neglected la)

Well, but my blog has been so accessible to so many people and it kinda scared me that so many ppl read my blog without me knowing. And because i'm quite open in my blog, now it starts to frighten me that i need to be careful of what i say in my blog because people reads my blog and i don't know what they know and what they do not know. But now, it not only frightens me,i get a bit irritated as well. Because, like it or not, my life surrounds people and when i blog, i will definitely mention ppl's name but at the same time, i do not want to offend people or make them feel whatever. So, it can be pretty tough. I don't like it leh. I wanna blog and be truthful....But, i have to keep in mind who is reading my blog and often, i feel so obliged to not mention anything that mite affect how people feel when they read my blog.

Ahh....for old bloggers, how u overcome that?

REPORT for the pass 2 days.

I've been pretty blur these 2 days. I think people like Karina, HuiYue and Noel knows....hahaha
On Tuesday, i only had 3 hours of sleep...Slept at 3 and woke up at 6:30 to have QT. And bout 8 plus or 9am, i wanted to go back to sleep when i got an sms from JieYao saying that there's a National Day outreach planning meeting. And it says "see you there." what you mean "see you there?" Am i suppose to be there? Did you send the msg to the wrong person? So, i called JieYao and he said that i was suppose to be there la... So, opps...ok. I'll go. I forgot all about it. If JieYao had not sms me, i'll completely forget about it.
And on wednesday, something similar happened. I was suppose to go to school to clear the Nav store with HuiYue and Karina but i decided not to go coz i was tired la. So, i read at home...bidded for modules....and den at 3pm, i decided to go to bed. So, i went up and read for a while and den dozed off....I wasn't completely asleep when i heard a knock on my door and i woke up and saw PeiYun (my housemate) and she said "someone is here. I think it's Noel." I went "huh? What's Noel doing here?" So, i walked down and saw Noel standing there and so i asked him , "Yes, anything?" And then i think from my blur face, he could tell that i was sleeping. So, he apologized for waking me up. Anyway, he was wondering whether i was at the nav store anot. but, somehow he decided to come over to see. Den, he decided to call HuiYue and ask her whether she's still in the nav store and whether she needs help anot. But HuiYue didn't pick up the phone and Noel said "hmm, why isn't HuiYue picking up her phone? Oh, i know why. There's suppose to be a meeting right?" OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I COMPLETELY forgotten about the exco meeting!!! I was suppose to be at the meeting to discuss about the Freshman Welcome Party. Oh no!!! And, it was suppose to start at 3 and at 3:30 i was still at home. Bleah!! So, i rushed up to my room, took my bag and ran down and Noel said,"ok lets go. I'll drive u to school." Oh man! Thank God Noel was there. If not, it wouldn't even occur to me that i was suppose to be at a meeting.

So, i reached YIH late.....was late for the meeting.They started the meeting edi. I just sat in and was feeling horrible for being late and for being so blur. How can i forget there's a meeting?!! How can i be so blur. Yeah, i was tired but i don't have a goldfish memory! I remember almost everything leh!! And for something so important, how can i forget??!! ARRRGGHHH....I know none of the exco members hold it against me but i was irritated at myself. I hate being late for meetings and summore as a vp, i'm late!! DARRNNNN.....So, i sat in the meeting still not believing that i forgot about the meeting. And i was quiet. I guess, everyone was pretty suprised at my quietness. I barely said anything. Until they ask who wants to do testimonial. So, they asked me and i said "ok!". I guess, a few reasons lor. (1) i was irritated that i was late (2) they seem to be discussing well over the things that needs to be done and i have no opinion and so i shut up la. Whatever the head says and if the rest agrees, i'll follow lor. I trust that these people know what they are doing and only if i have something to add, then i would lor. But, yesterday even though some thoughts did come to mind, i just suddenly felt like no need to say anything lor. So, i kept quiet.

Anyway, after the meeting...we had dinner. I was still so blur. I ate nasi briyani and i took TWO forks....AIYO!!!! Blurness man!!!

Me, PeiFern and Feli went and did the planning of the games for the national day event and den, we had the prayer meeting. Hmm....Guess who i saw? Shireen Kan!!! Edgar brought her. And as i looked at her, she looks really REALLY familiar. I was thinking hard as to who she is and den i overheard her introducing herself to other people and i caught her name "Shireen". That's it!! If its the person i think she is, she'd be Shireen Kan!! Wow.....She and me have lost contact for more than 12 years....We were childhood friends....neighbours.....until she left the neighbourhood that we lived in. We used to stay in the same lane....She stays at one end and i stay at the other end. As a kid, i would cycle to her house and we would play at her house or even go to the playground together, do things together, go for their beauty competitions together...Shireen, me and Shireen's sister, Jessica. Wow.....And after she moved, we didn't keep in touch liao. I mean, as kids, where la we know what it means to keep in touch. So, we didnt. And now to see her again after 12 years and in a foreign land. WOW!!!! Thank God and it's so interesting. I wonder what God has in mind.... hehehehehe......

I didn't dare to approach her and ask her for her name. But, as we were sitting down as prayer meeting starts, Edgar introduced us as we were all from KL. So, Shireen's friend intro herself first.
Ivy : Hie, i'm Ivy.
Me: Hie, I'm JeeLee.

then, Shireen's turn.

Shireen : Hie, I'm Shireen
Me : Hie. Shireen Kan??
Shireen : YEAH!!!! *smile*
Me : You remember me anot?
Shireen: YEAHHH......ur name sound so familiar....

and for those who know me, you know i'll do the "AAAHHH....screaming thingy...." and how are u? wah...so long nv see edi.....

Edgar and Ivy looked at us, stunned. Donno what just happened. "you two know each other wan ar?" den we explained that, we were neighbours last time....but nv mentioned much la...But, cool rite????

wah......LOOONG time liao lor....

Met YuYan on my way back....Girl, it's so nice to see you again!!!! Really good!!! And thanks for those goodie bags yeah!!!! Hahahaha......

hmmm....

My days are packed with things to do. And here i am blogging at 1 plus in the morning and i'm hungry! I shouldn't be because i had my dinner liao. But, prolly all the food process edi and so now a bit hungry. Anyway, i just wanna blog bout how my days have been lately.

Yesterday was a very tiring day. As the day was passing by, i didn't really enjoy what i was doing. I have alwiz feel quite inferior to her. Haha! I dont feel comfortabl leading the group when she's there. But, anyway...it wasn't her that was the cause of it. I feel inferior to everyone in the exco. hah! But, anyway...as i was sharing bout my weaknesses, i realised i didn't do much justice to how God mite have felt towards what i have said. I know i make myself sound so horrible but i really am enjoying my relationship with Him. I know that i am a sinner and there are times when i look at myself and feel shameful but nope! that doesn't mean that i'm not enjoying my days with Him. instead, i feel so loved by God dat in every ounce of weakness that i have, i can still give thanks to God knowing that He loves me just as i am!! Nothing more and nothing less. I'll walk with Him as i correct the mistakes that i make and let Him mould me to be the person that He wants me to be eventually. But, i am enjoying to the fullest the relationship that i have with My LORD! Am enjoying this time of pruning and making me to be who He wants me to be. Yeah, weird to hear ppl say tat but yes i am. Because i know that the Lord is perfecting His work in me!!! Yay!!!!! I remember Andrew Cowell's talk when He mention bout the foundation of our christian walk is also to enjoy our relationship with Christ and i'm glad to say that i am doing that!

Today's been pretty tiring as well....but, ok la....still not too bad. I only manage to get 3 hours of sleep last nite and so today i was pretty shacked! but, i'm alrite...the Lord is the ONE who grants me strength. So, i'm not worried. When you dont see me blogging for a week, den tag something and ask whether i am alive anot....See a reply, means yes...no reply means no. Den u gotta start praying for me. But, i AM NOT overworking. I've got nothing to do actually....well, at least compared to what Edgar is doing. hahaha.... But of course, i am pretty tired but no worries, i know how to take care of myself...i'll get the rest that my body needs...:D

oh yeah, today me and Felicia played the Bingo set that i bought. wahlau...we really need more than 2 ppl to play den only fun...but i lost to her anyway. SIANZ!!! Hahahaha.....

but yes, the main reason i wanna blog is just to say that i love you, Lord and this is even through my tiredness and my struggles.....I consider all this trials a great blessing and joy!!!

Mom, i called home a few hours ago but u were at a meeting. Hope you're feeling much better. Love you!!!

I had a good time chatting with my sis!! hehehe...all the best for the Bible Knowledge Oral Quiz yreah!!!

Ok...to Daddy, Vern and Aun, Love u too.....

Ok...my brains are not functioning very well edi...so, goodnite!!!