Pleasant surprises!

During last night's rally, I looked at Roy and I kept thinking to myself, "If he was my age, i'd marry him." There's really something attractive about Roy and I can't really pin point what it is - until last night! When I went to bed and I was talking to Jiaying, my roommate!, I was trying to tell her what exactly I like about Roy - the one thing that makes him so special and unique, the one thing that really stands out, I manage to put it into words. Two things: humility and meakness. The two very thing that attracted me. I always tell people that I like noisy guys coz they make me less noisy or rather, they make me seem less noisy. haha. But, I realise I have a very soft spot for quiet guys. Not that noisy guys are terrible or that quiet guys are very nice. It's just unique. But the thing about Roy, apart from his humility and meakness, is also his sincerity. I have never met another man (other than my dad) who spoke to me with such sincerity, so interested in my life, so humble because he didn't come to me as if he's the teacher wanting to impart some great knowledge to me - even though he's in the Singapore Nav leadership, and the way he talks about his wife - oh my goodness! never have i heard anyone spoken like that about his wife. I mean, yeah, they all say nice things about their wives, but Roy is different!

And then today, i thought to myself: I have no time to have lunch coz i should go to as5 and prepare for the presentation. But, as I got out of the tutorial, Gary said "Do you want to hear me sing a song I composed?" Yes, I do. And so we just ended up walking towards YIH for lunch. He taught us the song and interestingly, the first line of the song has both the words that describe Roy: Humble & Meak! Oh gosh.

Of course, then, there's always that extra bonus of meeting the good-looking guy who is oh-so-hot. And today, fate brought us together. I saw him 3 times today!!! All unexpected! Woah. God, can this be the one?! Okay, i'm being funny here. He's got this arrogance air in him, even though I don't think he is. Well, I can't expect everyone to be like me. I'm just a weird species.

Let me tell you wat happened.

Ade and I were walking up the stairs, after class, when we bumped into him. So, I gave ade the "that's him!!!" look and well, she apologised for almost bumping into him. He on the other hand, gave no reaction whatsoever. it's like as if he didnt see her, he didnt notice us, he didnt hear the sorry. Well, fine if he really didn't hear the sorry. but, hey, i'm sure he can offer a smile at least rite? NOPE! nothing at all.

So, i made a comment: He's so dao (arrogant) la! And then, i went on to explain why. Apparently, ade don't think so. Not everyone smiles at everyone else. i'm just weird. Maybe that's why i've been given a new nickname: windscreen wiper - for waving at ppl when i see them! Sigh.

Still, a plesant surprise nonetheless - seeing oh-so-hot good looking guys! haha

What a turn of events. Yesterday was probably my bluest of all days! It was like as if the whole world had its back on me. People said the wrong thing. People did the wrong thing. Bad things happened. I cried.

God is good still!!!! very good!

ahhhhhhhh

Haven't led worship in ages!

I've just finished my very last minute presentation for later and now suppose to prepare for worship leading. I don't know where to start.


Bleah.

A few inspired things...

Blogging is such a funny domain. It's public and all we bloggers know that. So, we (knowingly or not) choose what to reveal in our blogs. So there's that sense of restriction. Yet at the same time, we blog to communicate our feelings, issues that bother us -almost like journaling in a diary, except that this is no secret! Don't bloggers find it an almost conflicting reasons to blog? It's really weird you know. Some people treat blogs like diaries. Some others make sure that their blogs do not reveal too much of themselves that they choose very carefully what to write about and how to write it. How much of the real person do we get from reading blogs?

Why all this critique of blogs suddenly? That's because I've just finished writing 2985 words on Malaysian female undergraduate blogs. It is the language and internet project that I was talking (or rather, complaining) about yesterday. Looking back at my previous post, i guess, I've finally reached 2985 words, and so my worry of not being able to reach 2.5k words was invalid. My word limit is 3k. I still have yet to write an Abstract. 3000-2985=15. I can't possible write 15 words for an Abstract. That can probably pass for a relatively short sentence. I have a very prolix writing style. One sentence for me can be as long as 55 words. I can break that down to 3 sentences. Why do I write in such an irritating way? I don't understand too. That is why there is a desperate need for editting! Everytime I write a sentence and i notice it is long, i must make sure I cut it down into 2-3 seperate sentences. Sigh.

This post is seemingly unmotivated.

I almost couldn't get up for church this morning. After switching off the alarm, I crawled back to my bed to get my 5 minutes delay. Of course, the 5 minutes became 20 minutes. Well, technically, I kept telling myself to get up but let's just say the flesh is weak. Whatever it is, I wasn't late for church today! So, yay! Church hall was quite full today coz the many missionaries around for the Emmaus Conference for the next 3 days! Saw Peter Ferry. The last time I saw Peter Ferry was many many years ago. He was Life Chapel's assembly camp speaker! And that camp marked my first appearance in the big congregation to share a testimony (or something like that). I almost wanted to get Peter Ferry to imitate the bird sounds that he could do!! You guys remember it don't you? But, I realised now that people ask me if i'm working already, which tells me that i don't look young enough to go up to an old man to ask him to do tricks with his hands for my amusement. So, I refrained myself of course. Hahah!!!

Sermon today was good. I really enjoyed worship in church today too. It never fail to amuse me how the church has a grand piano in the front of the hall but morning worship is done without any musical accompaniment. And so we rely on uncles in the church to remember tunes to hymns and then there'll be rare occasions like today where we'll start correctly and half way through the first verse, we'd realise that we got the tune wrong. so, try again. Most of the time, on our second try, we'd get it right. Today, we got it right only on our 5th or 6th attempt! It was quite funny. AND, we had guests with us. haha. I wonder if they see the piano and wonder as I do. But you know, when I first attended this church, I couldn't take it la. The least Life Chapel had was piano accompaniment. Most other brethren churches have a full band! It really took some adjusting to. It even came to a point where I couldn't enjoy worship and I started to think, if the worship in church is so dead, I have to start looking for other church edi. It is not too late since I still have my letter of commendation with me! Haha. Yeah, talk about the fear of commitment man! After 2.5 years, I still have the letter of commendation and have never given it out. Anyway, I came to realise that the issue was with me and not with music or not. Sure, music play a huge huge part in my life. But, I guess, worship was more than music and inasmuch as I still do not understand why there is such an arrangement in the church, I respect it and i'm now more or less used to it edi... And it's such a blessing you know. I'm not judging but I'm just saying what I see. I see a super friendly, caring and loving group of people in the church. Super sacrificial. And in the small group of people I know, I see very godly men and women - heart all to serve our mighty God, to live lives that gives glory to God - as He is deserving! I'm not saying they are all like angels ar! But, I'm just saying that I'm very encouraged by the hearts of some people - especially the church leaders. They really are something! Very humble men...really!

And all this talk about them reminds me of uncle Eric Kirton. I'm sad to hear the passing away of (as Jon acknowledges him as) the last true Brethren missionary. Uncle Eric Kirton has truly inspired many by the way he lived his life - giving all glory to God, in strict obedience towards God, giving God only the best, a broken and humble man. A man whom i'm very sure God was pleased with. The memorial service was held at Life Chapel. This is what, the third time I hear Life Chapel opening up her place for memorial services?! And I heard that Life Chapel was packed full today. My parents were standing at the carpark la! Basement also full. Imagine the amount of lives uncle Eric Kirton has impacted and encouraged. My prayer is that people continue on with the legacy that uncle Eric Kirton left us with. That we will truly seek to honour God with our whole being.

I guess, no better time to listen to Big Daddy Weave's "Audience of One" than now. Check this

Complain la....

I love language and the Internet but I hate my project. It is a torture.

I sat down here in the library at 11am and it's now 9pm. I thought i'd start writing my essay today since i've been giving it some thoughts already. Suddenly today, I decide to change my focus, change dataset, change focus group. Now that sucks. And I thought it'll be easier to stick with 50k words. It's much tougher. So, from time to time I compare 50k with another 50k (I'm talking about dataset). So, i've sat here in the library for about 8 hours ( minus the meal times), and all i manage to squeeze out is about nine hundred to a thousand words for my essay. Now this sucks because the essay is suppose to be something between 2k-3k words. I'm only listing down the data and the analysis. I havent even gone to the discussion. I don't know if i can hit 2.5k words. I don't know if i'll be satisfied with my work. It's 20%. This sucks la. My brain is freezing. It is due on Monday.

I have a tummy ache and it makes me think "Oh, maybe i have stomach cancer" or something. haha.

My arm aches because it has been in a typing position ever since this morning.

God, help!!

I haven't prepared for cell tmr. Die!

Seldom do I blog to complain about my school work while i'm in the midst of it. But, tak boleh tahan dah la!

Okay. back to work. Need to go back to prepare for cell tomorrow oso.

Reckless abandonment?

Suddenly, people have been asking me “Are you joining us for the Philippines trip ar?” When have I said that I’m pulling back? To be honest, I have been a little scared – for the stupidest reasons. I’m afraid of the fact that there will be no proper toilet facilities. This is one fact you have to remember, I am very particular about this. If I can, I will keep my faeces in till I reach home. I definitely can’t hold it in for 3 weeks!!! And oh, I’m told I can only use a minimal amount of water for bathing. Now, that would be quite difficult. And yeah, this mission trip, we have to do stuffs like preaching…YIKES! I am a Brethren. All descendents of Eve keep total silence in church, whenever there are Adams around. So, preach? Add to it, preach to church leaders….WOAH. Sweep me off my feet man! Cannot la… I’m still struggling. I will so need to talk to some people about this. But anyway, yes, back to my a little reluctance to go to Philippines. And then, I say “God, dowan to go can?” And then, the other side of me reminds me that I have always been wanting to go for mission trips. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DREAM OF BEING A MISSIONARY??? Become missionary of course have to learn to dig own shit hole la! haha. But, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I want to go to Philippines. I still very much want to be a missionary. Yeah, all the scary stuff do get to me but if I do be a missionary it’s not like the most “prestigious” occupation eh. And I know I’m not doing this out of my own selfish ambitions. Freely I have received, freely I give….that’s the only concept. I have received much from God. How to not give back? So, am I excited over going to Philippines? Yes, very much!!!

Half way through meeting today, my mind went back to a comment Joshua made a few months ago “You want to be missionary? Very hard to find husband wan you know!” He knows my soft spot. Yeah! Very hard to find husband. HOW? And then it’s like as if all those thoughts find it’s way into my mind – You sure you want to die alone? You sure you want to live your life alone? No one beside you? No CHILDREN? – wah, these thoughts suddenly seem so scary. I try to be strong and say “Yes, Can! It’s okay if I don’t have all these things, as long as I have God!” Who am I trying to kid? I mean, yeah, I’d give my life to God and yes that means if in HIS sovereign will He wants me to die alone, live my life alone, no husband, no children, I will gladly obey! But, if you ask me what does my heart wants, I’ll be honest, get married to a missionary, have children, and live our lives in abandonment for God.

Listening to Simon & Garfunkel now and it’s making me even more sad. But ah, love them! And I remember how we’d play them on Saturdays and sing to them while doing house chores! It’s always so good.

bleah

I came across a really interesting quote while trying to chill today. It's from this book that I bought for RM3! It's entitled "The Love Affair" - so me rite? haha. Actually, no. I'm not a romance novel book lover. But the smaller print of this book cover caught my attention. It says: Today's need for love that's real. Hah! And I wonder what it will say. So, i got the book. So, back to the interesting quote.

It is this: The opposite of love is not 'hate', but 'indifference'.

Yeah, i'm guilty. Too selfish too often.

Sigh.

Today felt like a total waste. The after effect of being sick! I feel as if I need to sleep all the time. Body feeling as if it lacks something. I didn't do anything productive. Well, okay, I manage to borrow books from the library, finish 3 chapters of a book i'm suppose to read for my test on monday, half decided on what I want to write for the essay. Honestly, I just feel like i didn't get anything done today. That sucks! Feel like i just totally wasted the whole day away....argh!

something is very wrong but i can't tell what.

Only sweet and nice things shall be remembered!

Going back this time round was good.

First of all, I manage to spend much quality time with my family members. It wasn’t just stupid jokes but also talking about lives, which was very good!

I had meals with various people on Sunday – people whom I don’t usually have lunch with, which makes it even more interesting.

Didn’t had a clue that Kevin and Kok Choong was back so to see them on Sunday was such a delight. Then we went out for breakfast. Ah…..it was good. Then lunch with Mun Onn and Weng Soon was special too coz I seldom have lunch with these people. Of course, it was then that Mun Onn made that remark about me – the remark that stayed in my head for hours! Nono, it wasn’t a bad remark…it was neutral. I didn’t take it negatively too. I was just thinking. Hehe.

Then, we celebrated Joshua’s birthday. Happy 21^st birthday dude! Where else but our favourite SS14 A & W! :)

Came back to Singapore and was bed-ridden because I think I caught the stomach flu bug. Head aching from fever and stomach aching from the bug, I couldn’t move much nor stay awake comfortably nor could I go to sleep (because of the pain in my head!). It was quite torturous really! But, thank God for His healing hands! And for friends like Edgar, Jia Ying and Pei Yun!!!! God is good!!

Preference

I realise recently that people prefer the noisy side of me. When I'm quiet, I get remarks like "eh, are you okay ar?", "Is something bothering you?", or better still "Why suddenly act demure?" or "why so sad today?" When I'm quiet, it doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong with me okay! Or that I am "acting demure".

It's so sad you know. That I can't be quiet because all people prefer of me is the noisy side. It's not that I want to please people. But, i can't stand being asked these questions. I rather people accept that I am both noisy and quiet - both included in me! But, to be nice, I shouldn't blame people for asking or making such comments la. It's not their fault for not knowing me better. Maybe people ask such questions because they care.

Sometimes, I just want to hide.







I've been so tired recently. I tell people I don't understand why but I think I do. My mind has no time to rest. It is working even when I'm sleeping! That's why i get up feeling as if i just went to bed. It sucks.

I want a short trip to somewhere. Maybe I'll do something this weekend. Have to start planning. Short short trip. But, where?

What do you do when you feel lonely?

Give me a valid reason to not be pissed

The SPM results were out a few days ago......

Check this out:
A few days ago, you see this in the papers.

Today, you see this in the papers.

Such explicit biasness. I am pissed. Goodness, these people work like crazy to do their best in the examinations and here is what they get: " No naming of top student this year because everyone has their strength and weakness"? What crap?! Just give them the due credit la. Why like this? So hearbreaking! She studied so hard and did so well and yet it is publish in the national newspaper that despite that, her achievements will not be recognised as the best.

I know she probably doesn't covet it but it's so disappointing to see such overt biasness.

I cannot understand.
I cannot take it in.

I am disappointed.
I am pissed.

Sigh.

Setupiak!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thy lovingkindess is better than life

I know what I'm suppose to do but I feel so weak that I can't do it. And so I turn to You, weeping coz my heart is torn. I can't keep it in. The tears flow out against my will. But I turn to You...

And I thank you for your words and for speaking to me. And I thank You for overwhelming me with with Your love for me and making me realise how undeserving I am. I guess, God, you know best and I don't. I don't understand what You are doing but I know You love me and You'll never give me something that will harm me. I don't understand but I trust You to do Your good work. I trust You because You are God. Not because of what You have done but because who You say You are.

I am sorry Lord for not giving You the worship and praise that You deserve. Often I lift-up myself too highly not understanding how much I put You down when I do that. I'm sorry Lord. Father, may You increase and may I decrease. It's not even easy to say that but who am I to think that I should lift myself up? I am not. And you know Chris Tomlin's song Indescribable? It's a nice song and this line is amazing :

You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.

And I think about it hard and yeah, how can anyone look into the depths of my heart and yet still love me the same. And love me so great!!!

Ps 8
O Lord, our Lord,
How excellent is Your name in all the earth,
Who have set Your glory above the heavens!

Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants
You have ordained strength,
Because of Your enemies,
That You may silence the enemy and the avenger.

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained,

What is man that You are mindful of him,
And the son of man that You visit him?

For You have made him a little lower than the angels,
And YOU have crowned him with glory and honour.

O Lord, our Lord,
How excellent is Your name in all the earth!


Isaiah 40

All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
Because the breath of the lord blows upon it;
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever.

If you have time, go here and watch Significant Insignificance!

quite something...

Liren, your blog post is really something!

Today was just quite a bit of running around. I didn't get to sleep well last night because of my cough, which is the kind that comes ferociously (what a word to use!hah) at night and tickles your throat and once you start, you won't stop till about 10-15 mins later or when you pop a sweet into your mouth. I was so afraid i'd wake my roommate up with all the coughing! With the lack of sleep, I only got up at about 9:30am, which is so late!

I went to the EL comp lab at 12noon to start on my take home quiz. I need to run the text on this software which version i am familiar with is undownloadable to my pc. And because i'm unfamiliar with the version of the software I downloaded to my PC, i couldn't be productive with the take home quiz. So, i figure, i better just go to school and use the comp lab. The thing is that the comp lab is usually locked and i wasn't too sure if my matric card (i.e.: student card) would grant me access to the lab and since it was noon time, I don't know if the technician would have gone for lunch. So, I prayed hard that somehow or rather, i'd be able to get to the comp lab and use the comp to do the work i'm suppose to. THANK GOD because when i got there, the door wasn't completely closed and Liling, Rachel and Phey Ying were there, and pei en too!!!! so yay!!!

Started with work and woah, it's really not easy man....no wonder matt spent so much time on it la... I was able to do 2 out of the 5 parts we were suppose to do. Then I had to rush to meet Karen and then there was Bible Study. Afterwhich I met up with Theresa for dinner. Wednesdays are my free day but they are seldom free. Either I mug on or I fill up my day meeting people. Whatever it is, it's a weekday, it's not suppose to be free. My free day is Sunday! haha.

Have you ever felt so angry with someone for giving wrong information that means a great deal to someone else? And for coercing that person to do something that he/she doesn't want to do with the wrong information you gave him/her? It's so terrible and I almost burst out in anger today! So frustrating! But, it was important that I didn't burst out in anger coz it would have been terrible! So I just had to try to understand what was happening and give grace and remember to love. Kept telling myself that Christ said "those who have been forgiven much, love much" - drawing the principle that if i've experienced much love from God, I should love others as well, even if i dont think the other person deserves it because I definitely don't deserve God's love too. So who am I to judge?

When I look at Karen and Wei Ting, truly I am very pleased. Not because they are growing to be superb christians but because they have been allowing me to be more involved in their lives and together we grow. We share our burdens and struggles and we aspire to grow together. I'm not there to make super christians. I am there to be a discipler. To lead. To grow. To share. To teach. To learn. To cry. To laugh. To love. And we do all that together. I am no super christian. Jesus said "make disciples" not "make super christians"...and i'm really enjoying my journey with these girls - not so much coz i think they have potentials of being used by God tremendously but because I see how they are just clinging on to their Lord, and together with the ups and downs, we journey hand-in-hand, and how they are standing firm on the Rock, on the very strong foundation!

Thank You God for blessing me with these girls!
And thank you God for also blessing me with friends such as these:


(frm left: JieYao, JeeLee, Jeremy, Edgar)
And an A+ to JieYao for editting the pic! haha. You're an A+ friend! :)

night of lame jokes...

I feel extremely guilty for going to Botak Jones for dinner. I could feel my heart beating 100 times faster. I was afraid I was going to get a heart attack! HAH! Met Yuen Ting and Candice there. Yuen Ting was doing a write up for Campus Observer while Candice was just packing dinner before she goes for church meeting. I was there with Mark and Jeremy. The queue for dinner was super long but thank God for a seat I got and then I was able to run to the money changer and then to the bank. The ground were all wet because it rained and I was wearing my grip-less slippers. I was really thankful to God that I didn't fall. Would have caused a great laugh though!

Didn't do much today. I probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Infact, I didn't feel like waking up today. I was fully awake by 8am but lazed on the bed till 9am. Terrible girl! But yes. When I finally did get out of bed, I plunged my bump on my chair and blank-out for a while - trying to decide what to do and what to wear. I won't say i wasted my day away coz after i did my QT, I read the article for LPP lecture. At 1145, I left for my LPP lecture and den we had a group lunch. It was a good time to gather and eat and talk nonsense, get to know one another better. Too bad Mich couldn't join us. Anyway, as per our last meeting, we started talking about gays but this time, with more insight to the "status" of our friend, talk more about the gay church in Singapore, each other's opinion about homosexuality. Don't get me started on the gay church - it's just so wrong! Argh.........

After the groupie left, i met up with Ade to pray - ah, it's always good to meet up, talk, share and pray. It feels so good!!! haha. It's not just knowing that someone cares but that someone is here to hear you out, share your burden and uphold you in prayer - it means much to me!

I had in mind to go to clementi to get my Ringgits changed and then go to the bank to drop the cheque but it was raining, so i was lazy. But, i bumped into Jeremy and Mark and then i just decided to go with them for dinner. It was a good thing. Because they wanted to go to Botak Jones for dinner but neither of them have ever been there before. All they know is that it is in Clementi. So, smart alec me brought them to where it was, got a seat for them and then left to the bank and then back to where they were for dinner.

Mark has an obsession with men's body. He goes on and on about noel's body and honestly, it is a bit weird to hear a guy talk so obsessively about another guy's body. And he even asked me "Have you seen noel without his shirt?" GASP!! Of course not. And honestly, I don't want to. But, it was fun talking to him and jeremy and just having a purely rubbish talk la....Relax and just enjoying each other's company and laugh about stuff. It was fun. Thankfully the rest of the Monday GC weren't there for dinner. With just Mark and Jerm, it was already too much lameness to handle....

I wanted to start on my take home quiz (for Lang & Internet) but nah, my brain decided to not function at all. I downloaded wordsmith but when I looked at all the data, my mind is just blank. How am I suppose to write 1000 words? Die....

ps: i seem to be blogging about random stuff lately - not because i've no thoughts but because there's too much and it's hard to pen (or rather, type) them (all) down. :)

One down

I've just completed an assignment that is due later today. This is the first time I've started on an essay so near the deadline and manage to complete it satisfactorily. Thank God really! God is good....

I've a take-home quiz, which is more like a mini assignment due on Friday. After which I have 4 more assignments due in the next 4 weeks, which will really keep me on my toes. But, as God has proven again and again, He is faithful and my confidence is in Him and not in myself. So, technically, there's nothing to be afraid or worried about. But then, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak - sometimes. Still, no excuses! haha.

Pray for God to help me be faithful in the things that God has given me... :)

I must have eternity in mind....and den work towards the things that lasts.