Saturday, January 29, 2005

Today...

hmmm....

After feeling so heart-broken last nite, i went to sleep and i am not very sure myself whether it was a good nite rest....but, i had enuff rest and i was contemplating whether or not to go for cold turkey evangelism today...I know i should...Beverly and Gloria mentioned something bout letting God's grace flow through me despite the trouble that i face. But, last night before i went to bed and this morning when i woke up, i somehow felt like just staying home and spending time with the LORD...enquiring of HIM and asking HIM, now what?

I had a great time spending with HIM...altho not very long...but it was really appreciated. Was reading through my bsf notes on Acts 18-21....Paul is really a fantastic man...and of all people, he would know God's grace better than anyone of us...and despite all the trials and tribulations that he had to go thru, he still could say that "But none of these things move me;nor do i count my life dear to myself, so that i may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which i received from the LORd Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

and i was reminded again today that knowledge without intimacy with Christ leads to emptiness. Reading the Bible is not good enuff....i need to feel the intimacy with HIm....i need to have a strong and real relationship with HIm...i need to love HIm with all my heart, soul and might.... Only HE can satisfy me. :)

And of course there was also a warning against satan...he knows my strength and weaknesses and the scariest part is that he knows my spiritual state and as cunning as satan is, he will use every knowledge that he has of me and use it against me....to draw me away from the LORD....Beware!!! Beware!!!

Well well...what happen today ar?

ermm....i had a great time chatting with wengyan...my dearest dearest friend!!! we had a great time laughing at each other...hahahah.....u funny girl!! thanks for being there for me....thru thick and thin....

and guess what? i also received an sms from aliza....wah...i'm so touched girl....thanks yah...

and at bout 3pm, i was at YIH with beverly...spoke to her a bit bout my struggles of bgr...and then, abang jeremy was there too...so, i spoke to him about it too...these 2 brother and sister has been a fantastic friend and family to me....they listen to me and advise me....thanks man!!
then at 4pm, we went to the field next to SOC (SChool of Computing)...and Jieyao and Gloria was already setting up the field for us....so, Me, Beverly, Jeremy, Coung, Kentaro and Zach was there....and den since the rest was not there yet, we decided to play football...wahlau!! Long time no play man...good game guys...hahahha.....den more ppl arrived...
Lilian, Danielle, Petra, David, Lifang, YuYuan, PeiFen, ZhiQiang, Bernard, William, Hui Yue, Miao Yue, Julia, Joshua, Eddie....wah...so many...i lost count edi...we played captains ball....fun man!!! brings back memories of Life Chapel....those times after YF....but this field is much bigger man...hahhaha and then a game of rounders...i tot i gonna die la...i'm not good at hitting leh....but, it turned out that i was quite good eh..hahahha...first time i hit, can edi.....wahlau....fun fun game!!!

At bout 6:30, Gloria called it time-off....so, we packed and cleared....went to PGP non-air cond canteen for dinner....after dinner, came back to pgp....bathed and studied....and now...online..
hahaha....

well, all in all a fantastic day!!! At least, i'm feeling much better...really!!!

Thank God for this day man!!!

:)

Friday, January 28, 2005

Dumbfounded....

Bloggie.....

I really donno what to say liao....my heart is breaking......and the torture is this: i can't even cry leh...why like dat wan?

I dowan to see him and therefore i tried avoiding seeing him....but i still do!! and...i wonder to myself is it wrong that i asked God to take away the feelings i have for him? is it wrong? mebbe i shouldn't have prayed that..because it isn't happening and i'm so heart-broken. Why is it like dat?

My headaches are back again...every single day....i donno what to say anymore...donno wat to feel anymore. I'm getting more and more upset with myself, with my inability to forget him...to leave him aside..i need to realise that he doesn't give 2 shits bout me....that everything he has done (that i made me think he's reciprocating) is actually out of brother-sister relationship... it's nothing!!! anyone would do the same for me....i know it!!!!

haih.....why like dat?

why oh why????

Thursday, January 27, 2005

hmmmm.....

Dear Bloggie,

I'm so sorry for not being as consistent as i was last semester....For the past few weeks, there has been a few things going on in my life....

Life has just been so like a roller coaster....one moment it's up and another moment it's down. My mood swings are pretty unpredictable nowadays....i hate it when that happens but i can't deny it. One moment friends see me crazy laughing....the next moment, i'm silent as the mosquito (donno why i use that as an analogy)....but....yah, ppl alwiz ask me wat's wrong.
Of course i oso need to say that just because i'm quiet doesn't mean that something is wrong. But, lately....hmm....unexplainable!!

Mebbe because of my intentions of putting aside BGR issues in order to get my life back on the right track...u know, it's like when u're doing a field track, u sway to other ppl's lane...and den u realise, opps, i better get back on my own track...But, u were enjoying ur run on other ppl's lane that u think u might as well continue running on other ppl's track...who know's u mite win...But, ur instructor (and almost everyone else) tells you that ur original lane is the best. Even when u dont think so...that's how life is to me now...i guess....

I know what i'm suppose to do...i know what ACTUALLY is best for me. I know i need to some stuff....i know i need God....i know i need to learn to fear HIM...i know i need to LOVE HIM with all my heart, soul and might. I know!!! And i am trying!!!! But, on the other hand, temptations and things of the world are pulling me away...and it makes trying so much more difficult. I dowan to fall into the temptations and the pleasures of the WORLD.

I want to love God before i start thinking bout loving a guy. Love God with all my heart, my soul and all my might. And therefore, i'm putting him aside first....and put God first! But, i donno whether am i denying my feelings for him anot....but, it's difficult...i see him in school.....
But, i really REALLY want to go "after" God first.....HE'S my first love....somehow, i realised that the love i have for HIM isn't as great as i would like....(meaning, to love HIM with all my heart, soul and might!)....

How?? mebbe i should avoid seeing this guy completely? or when i see him, just say hie and den dat's it? don't talk to him so much? den mebbe i can try to "forget" this feeling i have for him? what should i do?? hmmmm.....

God help me!!!!


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Sick? again....

I'm heaving headache...arrrghhh...since last nite....aduh...pain pain!!!
And i have to go for swaps meeting tonite.....and i dont feel like going because of my headache but i know i should coz of responsibility lor....haih....so, gotta go lar....
and then the irritating part is that sometimes u trade ur health for responsibility and then other ppl couldn't be bothered bout things....
i know ppl will nag me bout me not taking care of myself...not that i dont care and it's not tat i take it lightly...but i know whenever i get sick, it'll go away after a while....so, no need to go and see doctor and waste money and go thru those horrible sessions of eating medicine and feeling dizzy and sleepy.....
Anyway.....i was reading tis article bout why Paul (in the BIBLE) puts patience as the first virtue of love. And sometimes, i think we retaliate too much....and more often than not, we show more love and patience to non-family members.....i wonder why??

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Back in Spore...

Hey hey....I'm back in spore edi.....
and i must say tat i had a wonderful time back home....altho i know tat quite a number of ppl wanted to just spend some time with me...sorry i couldnt....short time back home...so, vy limited as to the things dat i could do....well, it was fantastic spending time with wengyan and yinngai tho...thanks ladees....i wanted to spend some time with u gals because i really miss spending time with u gals..esp during the one month break tat i had, i know i really didnt spend much time with u gals....so, the weekend was dedicated to u two!! yay!!! hehehehehe
thanks for making the time to spend with me yah.....for waking up at 7 plus to go for breakfast at ss2...heheheh.....

to the rest whom i didnt get to spend much time with, sorry....u know la.....

anyway, as i was heading back to spore, i had lotsa things in mind.....bout loving and discovering God!!! bout my own heart in all these things....the one thing that i wanna share is the sky and stars...i've alwiz love stars...but now even more!!! as i was travelling back, and i was looking into the sky....i think i know why i've alwiz loved the stars so much....ppl often tell me they feel vy minute when compared to the sky....but when i look at the sky and see the stars, i can't help but feel amazed at God's creation...and the sky is so big...not to make me feel intimidated but when i look at the stars, i feel like as if i'm looking into God's eyes and when the sky is filled stars, i feel soooo secure....it feels like as if God's eyes is all around...not missing me at all!!! it's great lar.....of course when it's cloudy, it doesnt mean that God is not there...He is...it's just that i cant see HIM...but HE's there!!!!

i wonder how much i love HIM...and how much i would give up for my faith and how much i would suffer to really be a witness for HIM??

tots...tots.....think...think.....

i want to love HIM...with all my heart, soul and might!!! i want to seek HIm with all my heart, soul and might....

Sunday, January 16, 2005

tickets...tickets....

I wanna go back home tis thursday...why? Coz it's my lil' bro's bday...he'll be 5 yrs old!! gosh...and to think that i'll be 21!! it's so scary how time flies....it seem like it was oni yesterday when i threw all my STPM books aside...went to pulau pangkor and got pushed and dumped into the sea ( i can't swim leh!!! let me go lar...every yr oso lidat!! ish..) and having 6 months holidays b4 uni started....and during that 6 months i worked at a wonderful place...doing a wonderful job....wah!! i love kids man!!!!

Anyway, today something vy funny happened...i took bus 10 to go to golden mile complex to get the tickets to go back on thurs...i have no idea what happened, but i think i miss the stop...so, i was heading to donno where...the part of singapore that i have never been to.....until i saw a sign that says "bedok" and "east coast"...THEN i knew how far i've gone....i called jeremy and told him of my funny story of sitting in the bus and nothing look familiar...hahaha.....it was funny la...coz i sat in the bus and laughed at myself...altho i know i've just wasted my time...but it was funny...so i got down, and then took bus 10 in the opposite direction to head back to room. I slept on the way back...coz was vy tired leh...i donno why but was especially tired today...of course i wasted some money travelling la.....

When i reached back to my room, i didn't even bother to bathe, i just slept.....so tired!! then abang jeremy called me at 3:30 and spoke to me for a while.....then bout 4 plus or was it 5 that abang jeremy sms-ed me to tell me that he went and got the tickets for me already!! wow!!! thanks so much lar abang!! u've been a great blessing to me!!!

and then.....i wanna see stars!!! but apparently, because it's too bright in singapore, so kenot see stars wan!!! arrrghhh.....i wanna see stars!!!!! seishhh.......

but....i was just thinking how time really flies man......tis year on the 22nd of September, i'll be 21 yrs old!!! oh goodness......tis is the first time i dont really look forward to bday!! coz i'll be considered an adult edi...kenot play play liao...oh no!!!i dont like the sound of it....oh no....
time flies lar......oh man!!! scary...scary...hahahahahha
better make full use of the time we have!!!


Saturday, January 15, 2005

Chinatown...

Altho i've been in singapore for bout 6 months already, i have not been to chinatown until today!! hahahah....well, david suggested we go to chinatown because there'll be a show of fire-crackers....i oni agreed because i've never been to chinatown b4....not because of the fire-crackers....Malaysia plenty of fire-crackers la....better still, we can see the sky filled with bright beautiful stars not to mention the shooting stars...

well, chinatown was beautiful....it felt like petaling street....super packed la...haiyoh...and because the prime minister will be there, the place was packed like crazy....but anyway, david wanted to see the fire-crackers sooo much...so, i tagged along....and i told him, this better be for a good cause. well, it was!! the fire crackers was nice....hahahah......but we didnt stay too long because we were both tired la...so, we left...

i didn't sleep well last nite...had loads of things on mind....oh..b4 that, i must say what a wonderful job our bible study grp did!! for the celebration rally...heheh....good job guys.....i guess by now, liren and noel knows that they can't really trust the oven...incase pizzas get burnt again...hahahah....

there was street evangelism on today..tis morning...but i was scared....feeling inadequate... afraid..but i guess, the Lord has actually prepared my heart...as in, He spoke to me..thru the verses in Matthew 5:1-16....bout the blessedness of being peacemakers...and we're not just any ordinary peacemakers...we're peacemakers between men and God....and if i was afraid of rejection and persecution, i know that we'll be blessed at the end of it all....and what Gloria sed was right...that looking at the set of events that has happened and how the LORd has arranged everything, i think the LOrd wants me to go...therefore, altho i was afraid, i know that nothing can keep me away and i need to obey HIM!! and because of that, i went for street evangelism tis morning and i partnered beverly. i think because i was afraid the night before, i couldnt sleep well...i woke up in the middle of the night feeling this great sense of fear...but i went back to sleep...ignoring the fear in me..and i woke up and prepared my heart for evangelism and when i went,i did learn a lot!!! how to listen to HIM...and to trust in HIM....and be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit....and the power of prayer....and truly :
my life is in You Lord,my strength is in You Lord,my hope is in You Lord....It's in You!!

truly nothing can seperate us from the love of Jesus Christ!!!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Deeeep in thoughtsss.....

Have i been procrastinating Lord? i think i have.... and to do street evangelism is kinda scary.... and i have so much fear in me...i need the LORD to take it all away from me...i'm HIS child and HE will not let me go through things that i kenot bear. Furthermore, i'm a peacemaker between man and God...so no worries....

and relationship...hahahah....what can i say bout it? i am vy confused....and heart aching a bit also...i donno why....i donno what i should do about it also...i have to stop here....because i know all i need to do is inquire of the LORD and what HIS hearts desires are for me....


Thursday, January 13, 2005

I'm sick....

Haiyoh......I'm sick lar......or at least i think i am....heheheheh

I really have no idea why i am sick...no idea what's wrong with my body....it just doesnt feel right. And it's my first time being sick while so far away from home leh.....No one to "force" me to take my medication to get well...hahah....i hate going to see the doctors leh....
So, i'm skipping bsf today. Coz i'm not feeling very well and i'm having a bit of a headache, so...better not go lar...later i scared donno what happen to me on my way back...hahahah...

well, i really wish mom's here to take care of me..hahah.....like a baby oni...what la....
but, it hurts even more to be sick and i have to take care of myself...and i have to cook!!!! arrrghhhh......
mama and popo alwiz cook good food....hahaha....now i gotta cook myself...so sad rite??...hahahah...:(

okie lar....i wanna go liao....go for bible study leh......

better just get out of my room...hahaha......

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'm Bacccckkkkk.....

I'm back in Singapore already!!!!

Well, on the train i met Suet Yuen. Long time no see girl...last time i saw her was when we were 17 yrs old. Been 3 years liao...wow

Well, once i left my parents david warned me not to cry. Hahaha....and i didn't!! until now..... :(
When i was in the train with david, we were just chatting and we both realised how our mothers and fathers love us so much they are so willing to sacrifice so much things. Even time and energy. and we as children, dont even spend enough time at home. That was why i tried my best to stay home as much as possible and not go out with anyone.

thanks ma for alwiz cooking all my favourite food and coming back from office early to spend time with me. i know that there are times when u're sick and tired but u still did all those stuff for me. Thank you so much. I love u very much!

and pa, thanks so much for spending time at home with me. I know there are times when u wanted to go out and do things which u normally do, but sacrificed them in order to stay home with me. Thank u so much....i love u very much too...

to jeevern and jeeleng and even jeeaun, thanks so much for tolerating me while i'm back home and i get all my favourite food while u guys don't....hahaha.....i love u guys very much too....

Wish u were all here.....

Friday, January 07, 2005

feelings?? emotions??

Well...well....

A bit sad lar now....first of all, i'm a bit sad that i gotta go back to spore soon....one month of complete fun and thick skinness and all the adventure!! the Beautiful ppl will be missed very much...with our queen in RBS. hahaha.... But, one of my church member passed away tis morning. I'm not close to him and therefore it doesn't really affect me. But, the sad part is that he leaves behind his wife and daughter. Both of whom are very dependent on him. So, now, they are kinda left stranded. Maybe they don't need to worry about the finance because they're rich ppl. But, so what if u're rich? u still go thru the same thing that other ppl go thru when u lose a member of the family rite?....so, that's why a bit sad lar....
and i wonder whether was ben able to say bye to liz and lavinia.

I'm reminded of the fragility of life. We never know when we'll go back to the LORD. Do we ever think of the blessings that God has given us. Do we appreciate the ppl around us? Do we appreciate the things that the LORD has given us? why are we never thankful until we lose something? why are we like that? we never say thank u. Why? we have so much gold in our mouths ar? kenot open eh? i mean, we're all human and we know we're not perfect. And so, when we make mistake, why can't we say sorry. What about saying thank u? when ppl do things for us, is it hard to say thank u for making effort? thank u for making me happy? do we reserve our "i love u" to the very very special person? But, dont we love some ppl to a certain extent? our friends? we dont love them? aduh.....why are we like that?

haih....i donno what to say lar.....

Thursday, January 06, 2005

adventurous!!!

Okie....i have a story to tell......even if no one reads tis, i must blog tis down....so that i know how silly i can be...hahhahahaha

Me and Su planned to have mamak together before i leave for singapore. So, we were planning and i wanted to give wengyan a suprise lar....so, we planned to go to UPM to suprise her...and then bring her out of uni for supper. So, we decided to go to UPM yesterday (wednesday, 05/01/05). So, i called Yueen San and Josh. I sms-ed wengyan to get her UPM address on the pretense that i want it as her mailing address....so that she wouldn't suspect anything. I was so proud of myself...hahaha....

ok...so, Su picked us up and we left PJ at 8pm....reached UPM at 8:45...went to the place that she stays. But because Su says that we cannot simply go into her hostel, so, we stopped to fill in some forms so that can enter la....anyway, then we went to her hostel...was so happy. Su and Josh waited outside because it's a girl hostel and they are not allowed in. Altho no one was checking, it was great that they are such law-abiding ppl. Anyway, me and yueen san happily went into her hostel and look for her room...when we finally found it, we knocked...but no one answered! and we knocked and knocked again and again...and then i decided to call her. so, i called wengyan while yueen san stood infront of wengyan's door. To our dismay, wengyan left her handphone in her room and donno went where!!! So, from 9pm till 10;30 pm, we went hunting for wengyan in UPM....we went all over the uni.....didnt even know that it was all a one way straight road...so, we commited some traffic offences lar....and then...we lied in order to get into the library....we went searching in cafeterias.....goodness...the amount of searching that we did!!....and we were so in-denial that we spotted 6 wengyan look-a-likes....and we tailed busses...goodness.....in the end, we knew that it is time to go home....coz yueensan gotta go back home...So, we decided to write a letter to wengyan telling her of our presence and adventure.
After we've written her the letter, we all got out of the car and wanted to slip the letter into wengyan's room....

Then....i saw a grp of ppl walking towards the hostel...and i spotted wengyan...so i shouted..."WENGYAN"...and then joshua ran towards her.....and i ran....so, both of us were screaming as we ran towards wengyan....but as we ran towards her, she got ran the opposite direction...so, i was doubting my eye sight by then...i wanted to stop joshua incase tis was another case where we were in-denial and spotted only a look-alike...But as we got nearer i was convinced that it is wengyan...so, we went towards her...hugged her and scream and shouted out of happiness....hahahahha.....her friends looked so stunned at us....they didnt really know what was happening!! hahahah....anyway...she was so happy.....we were so happy that we finally found her!!! basically, we were all very very happy lar!!!

then, we stayed on for a little makan and spent some time together....then when we left upm was at 12midnight already...hahahah

well, at least our trip there was worth in...and then we reached our objective : which was to suprise wengyan...hahahha.....at least we could go back and tell our parents that we did see wengyan...instead of driving all the way there..but didnt see wengyan...hahahahha....

it was the best adventure for the day...hahahha......great day!!! hahahah.....

love u so much weng yan!!!!