Boringness??

People don't like reading emo posts. So, maybe I shall attempt at one less emo. (Altho I am very emo! It's who I am!) haha…

So…here goes the boring stuffs…(haha)

Some highlights of the day (amist all the dullness) :

Mr. Yee Weng Soon came over to pass me my Superman Returns tickets! He was suppose to pass them to my father the previous day but he claimed that my father left early (while my father says he was one of the last ones to leave church). So anyway, Weng Soon is a very free working adult! He can afford the time to sit and chat, and use my computer to not only book more Superman Returns tickets but also to go into friendster and check out other people's pictures while asking me to comment on them. Ya, he did his "eh, this boi good looking anot? Want me to introduce!" Somehow I give the vibe that I'm a desperado rite? Seeish. Anyway, because it was near lunch time, we were suppose to go for lunch but because I had to fetch my brother from school, lunch plan was cancelled.

Dead tired!!! My brother commented on how dead I looked. And because I was so tired, I honestly didn't feel like going out. Tired mah. You only want to sleep when you're tired. But can't.

I had to rush to get something from 1 Utama. But before that, my mother insists that I pick her up from the office and bring her along as I pump petrol into the car (she says she wants to sign the bill so that she can keep account on how much we spend on petrol.). Then, I did the dumbest thing when you're in a rush - I locked the car with the keys in the car!!! Argh!! This time, thank God that my mother was there with me (with an extra car). So, she drove home to get the extra set of car keys for me!! *phew*

But because I've wasted so much time in the petrol station waiting for the keys, I thought there'd be no time to go and get what I wanted from 1 Utama. I'm suppose to meet Joshua at his house at 6pm and when I was nearing 1 utama it was already 5:30pm. To find parking and all that will definitely take me longer than 30 minutes - especially when I'm not even sure where exactly to get the thing that I wanted. But, I decide to try for an outdoor parking anyway. So, I did. Got the parking and ran into 1Utama. Think where I could get it and went straight there and got it!! Woah!! Thank God!!! Ran all the way to get extra something, which I couldn't get because of wrong directions from the staff workers there! Ish. But, running late already. Get that thing another day! Ran out of 1 Utama, started my car and look at the watch, oh my! It was already 5:53pm. Shouldn't be a problem to reach Joshua's house in 7 minutes la, or so I thought. I completely forgot that it was rush hour. So, it was jammed! Oh my. I will never make it in time! Nvm…pray harder and drive like a mad woman - cutting lanes and all…hehe… But very save wan!

Finally reached Joshua's house at 6:05pm.

Me: Joshua, are you ready? I'm at your house already.
Joshua: I'm bathing now. Wait. Coming soon.
Me: bathing now? The movie is at 620pm.
Joshua: ok ok. Coming soon. Wait.

I did not want to enter the house knowing Joshua is bathing so I waited outside. When he was done, it was already 6:14pm. My mind wondered whether we can make it in time for the movie anot. We only have 6 minutes to rush to The Curve and it's rush hour so there's going to be heavy traffic. Oh my! When Joshua walked out of his house, I was so surprise! Why? He was so well dressed. So formal. Then I look at myself, errr….I was in a t-shirt, jeans and sandals. Argh! I'm under-dressed. Oh my!!!!

Me: Why you wear so nice wan?
Joshua: This is a date mar. Wear nicer la.
Me: But now, I'm so under-dressed la…ish!!! *unhappy pause* Summore, we're going to pasar malam later. You wear so nice for what?
Joshua: I can always come back and change for pasar malam later la.

Okay…we weren't late for the movie because of Cathay's super long advertisement!! And this being the premiere day, wah, super packed la!!! There are even people sitting in the 1st row from the screen!! Crazy people!

The movie: Superman Returns is awesome!!! Go watch it!! Brendon Routh did a good job. Can't beat Christopher Reeve of course but still a close one! Go read Jon's blog for a more detailed criticism on the movie. GO watch it!!! I won't say much because it's too difficult to put the excitement into words… it is very good!! Take my word for it!! (Side but important note: there's James Marsden!!)

After the movie, we went to pasar malam to buy some things for Joshua for his university entrance. Then headed for dinner at SS2 MCD.

After movie was yam cha session. So, me and Li yee met up with Jon and Shel. And we critiqued the movie. That is why I say "go read Jon's blog". Hehe..

And then, headed back and slept!! Ahh….good sleep….

Ugliness

Early this morning, a few of us were discussing whether the chicken meat we eat are cockerel or hen meat. Joshua insisted that the Chinese have a belief that Cockerel meat is poisonous, therefore we eat hen meat. Samuel on the other hand says that people don’t eat hen meat because it’s not tender enough. And because I’ve never actually knew that there is such distinction when you eat chicken meat, I couldn’t contribute to our very interesting discussion on what chicken meat we eat. Gosh! So, I was assigned to ask my mother. And I have. Surprisingly, Joshua is right. Weird right? And my mother says that Cockerel has less meat and more bones, therefore we eat hen meat. And like human-beings, hen has more “chicken” fat compared to a cockerel. My gosh! Do you even think of such things? No right? Well, Joshua does! He’s strange!

Anyhow, yesterday was a rather full-day for me. I wanted to spend some “intimate”-girl time with Shel and so I went over to her house. Watch Oprah, watch her do stupid things online, look at Little Dog, hang her clothes(together with her). And then her daddy informs her that there’s no need to stay home because Snubby would be in the hospital for another day. So, yay! We can leave the house! So, we went to Up-town and tar pau-ed Indian rojak, then head to SS21 to have Cendol. After satisfying ourselves, we then headed for Jon’s house. 2 current university student had to educate this boi how to send his job-applications. I thought that that was quite funny. Hehe. We turn on the tv and planted out butts on the couch and stayed there till almost forever. Shel and Jon were quite nice to me la. They allowed me to stay on to watch my TWO Chinese soap-operas. Haha.. Hungry me then went over to PJ (with Shel) and first headed to Joshua’s house where we did nonsensical things and then went out for my supposedly dinner. But by the time we got to the makan place, my head was in total agony and so I lost whatever appetite I had earlier. After that was Samuel’s house for chat chat until donno what time man. I think we left about 5 something this morning. I reached home at 6am, when my siblings were already getting up to go to school. Slept for 2 hours and I’m awake. My my my! What hectic lifestyle I have! Haha, NO!!

Anyway, depressing things do happen even though you are with friends whom you love and talking all sorts of nonsense in the world, for eg: what chicken meat do we eat. Oh my!

For most of my life, people have always said that I look older than my age. It never hurt until my friends, those whom I love dearly, says that too. And it’s not like the nicest thing to say. But they say it anyway. I mean, how nice is it to know that your friends think you look like an aunty, that you look like your friends’ teacher? Yeah. And it didn’t help at all when one of my friends said something like: Oh, you don’t want to hear what my friends say about you then. Like, thanks ah!! I honestly don’t blame them because I take it jokjngly (and also I know that they don’t mean to hurt me either and they mean to only joke about it) and I laugh about it too. But you know, it hurts when I am reminded of how “old” I look amongst my young looking friends almost everytime I meet them. It’s like how people used to (and some still do now) call me fat but it normally doesn’t affect me because I take it jokingly. But, when they persistently want to MAKE me feel fat, eventually, I will. And it’s one of the most bleah feeling in the entire world.

And the suckiest thing in the world is that, yes, it was my doing for being fat. But, it is not my doing that I look OLD or even UGLY. Not mine rite? Then, why do you punish me for looking the way I do? It’s hurting la.

Some people will say : Don’t blog this because people will read and then they will start to be very pretentious in their conversations with you. I don’t expect those who read this to go around telling the others about how it made me feel. Just leave it. I am fine with it. I guess, I’ve gotta learn to deal with it la rite?

I am just being honest because I haven’t felt this way for a very long time and so when I’m struck with this feeling, I blog it down. It sucked really! Feeling fat and ugly is bad enough. What made it worse was I was angry with God! Yes, I was. I seldom get angry with God but this morning I did. I felt as if God didn’t understand how is it like to feel fat and ugly. Why did He make me ugly? Why? I think worse still is that I have beautiful friends all around me. I spoke to Liren about this and he asks me: how are your reactions to God? I said: I honestly don’t know what to say or how to react to God because deep in my head, I feel I should not be angry with God (How dare I?!) and also I know that there are verses that says I’m wonderfully made and that God loves me and all that. But, in my heart – I felt ugly and abandoned! And totally hurt!!!

Oh God, right now, I can only say this: forgive me please.

Uncertainties

I was just talking to Ngai about the uncertainty of things – albeit stability of things in the now. And I wonder sometimes when things will stop changing, if that can ever happen.

It’s strange.

A few days ago, I aimlessly opened a box where I kept all my “love” letters. Reading all the letters I’ve gotten, it’s funny how I either am no longer close to these authors or how we got much closer.

Now that the youngest of our gang is finally entering university, I suddenly am afraid of what might happen. Will we all remain close after graduation? Will we all remain close after each one has found our own life partner? Will we be a community willing to stay as a community for life?

Speaking to Josh last night made the both of us realise that it’s not easy maintaining close ties within the gang of friends we have. I was the first of the gang to leave. And it’s been 2 years now. A few others have left. But, we have definitely tried to keep the ties as close as possible. It’s not easy but that’s reality. Anything worth keeping (or doing) is always not easy. But, we will still go ahead and stick our heads into the situation and hope to stand firm because we know that it is worth the fight. The friendship, the memories, the relationship is definitely worth the fight. Yes, there have times when I personally have given up on relationships but I totally wish that I never had. To those friends whom I have one point or another given up on you, I’m sorry. Although friendship takes two, I will do my best and pray that the other does so too. And then, together we be life-long friends.

Because...

Although I try to tell myself that it’s alright. If I lose friends, I just make new ones. But, it’s never the same! Never!

I believe that is why Mun Onn, Kok Choong, Weng Soon and Jit Tat make the effort to still meet online once a week even though they are all spread around the globe! Hah!

Even though there are uncertainties, I know who holds tomorrow. I guess then, there’s nothing really to worry right?

Sometimes, I wish I could learn that fast (and firm) enough.

Friends for life ( I hope!!)

Foolish I am

We in our foolishness thought we were wise
He played the fool and He opened our eyes
We in our weakness believed we were strong
He became helpless to show we were wrong
So we follow God's own Fool
For only the foolish can tell
Believe the unbelievable, come be a fool as well

That’s the chorus for Michael Card’s God’s Own Fool. Interesting eh? I thought so. Many a time, I am that exact one described in the first line of the chorus: Me in my foolishness thought I am wise. Yes. Talk about being proud right? My thought life has been the most impure of things lately – definitely not pleasing God. And well, when you struggle with things of the mind that effect the heart, oh gosh, you wish you never struggle like this and may this be the last time. Learn your lesson and move on. Stop learning your lesson the hard way. That’s how I’ve been for the longest of time. I remember saying this to my mom: I wish I learn things the easier way. My mother said: The lesson starts easy but you just always only learn the lesson when it gets harder.

Then again, all is not lost. Not belittling the fact that I am a sinner and many a times, I do not please HIM. Oh, I am a big time sinner! But I guess, at the end of it, I learn la. Even though, I wish I learn way sooner. Even though, I wish I never again hurt or displease my God.

I think this is a real struggle to not only me – to realise the seriousness of your sin and behaviour and how it effects God but yet at the same time not be filled with self-condemnation and instead be grateful to God for that special gift called grace and forgiveness and everything that comes from GOD.

Yes.

God is good la. For that, I am forever grateful!!

'Cause when we say 'no'
to the things of the world
we open our hearts
to the love of the Lord and
its hard to imagine
the freedom we find
from the things we leave behind

Because it is hard to imagine, that’s why we struggle to leave behind the things of the world. Because we can’t see the freedom that lies ahead.

God, unveil our eyes! Unveil my eyes!! Help me let go of my pride! Help me not be the foolish one.

Check out the foolish one BElOW:

A randomness of things

I was pissed almost the whole day. Why? Sigh. I was being a baby.

I slept only at 4 plus, close to 5 in the morning and I woke up at 9am. Was dead tired but once woken up, I couldn’t sleep anymore. So, I had a brilliant idea of visiting Yueen San for her lunch time. Why? Firstly, it’s been a long time since me and Weng Yan did something like that for her. Two, I just wanted to see my friend. Three, it would get the two pigs – mainly Joshua and Weng Yan out of their house and stop rotting at home. Actually, three pigs ( including me). Then, came disappointment.

WengYan couldn’t make it because her grandfather fixed an appointment with her earlier than me! Argh!

Joshua? This one better still – no news at all! So, awake at 9am from only about 4 hours of sleep, I was waiting for that stupid reply. After waiting until about 11am and no news from him, I knew that the plan is gone case. And I was pissed.

And I couldn’t explain exactly why I was angry even after they (Shelby, Joshua and Samuel) were willing to come and pick me up for lunch – which I diva-ishly refused. So, I stayed angry until God started bringing laughter to the incidents of the day.

I cooled down and then msg Joshua. We then made arrangements to go to San’s office for lunch the next day.

First year in Singapore – you’d hate it.
Second year in Singapore – you’d praise Singapore and complain about Malaysia
Third year in Singapore – you won’t want to come back to Malaysia anymore.

I’ve been there for 2 years already. And I did get a little afraid that I’d be in the “Praise Singapore and complain about Malaysia” category. Because honestly, if you want to talk about efficiency and a more forward-looking spirit, (and maybe cleanliness – though that doesn’t really matter to me. Because Singapore has its dirty places too!) , Singapore score higher.

But, I guess, home is still home. Nothing beats that. Some of my friends know how much I love my country – despite its weaknesses.

Especially when there’s a calling to come home, especially when God didn’t allow me to drop some of His work that I was already doing before I left for Singapore, especially when now there’s a burden for the outreach to Ishmeal’s decendents.

I have been asking God where would I be for the next few years of my life – Singapore or Malaysia. Although there was (and still is) a great desire for India, I have a feeling that’s a no-no, at least not yet. And the result is that I’ve been feeling it’d be Malaysia. So yay!

Being human, I admit that there’s still love for money. You know why? Because I have dreams that I need money to fulfil - like getting a grand piano and like driving a Mitsubishi Lancer. So, if I do work in Singapore, I’d get to fulfil my dream faster. Like it or not, currency is double!

And so, I keep telling myself : Ministry more important than money. Ministry is more important than grand piano. Ministry is more important than driving a Mitsubishi Lancer or best, a Jaguar!

I’m still praying la. Where to go and stay on.

Malaysia is still home no matter what. Even though sometimes when I’m back, I feel people treat me like a visitor more than a person coming home. Which saddens me. That’s why I need God all the more. Sometimes, home tests my need for God more than being away.

Then again, got such thing wan meh?

:p

I told Shel yest that my body clock has gone haywire. I sleep at 3am - earliest and wake up at 11am. By the time I get up and do the house chores, half the day is gone. Nothing really productive gets done and it sucks.

Sucks la.

When you care for someone and would want to do things for that person and with that person, and that person seem to be well-cared for already, you just rather let that person enjoy whatever it is with other people. (S)he don't need you. So, you just sit back and relax - and yes, sometimes get a little frustrated - esp at un-replied smses and calls or e-mails.

Thanks for calling all the way from land of unclean water and food. You take care okay! When I see you, tell me all about it ya. Don't say hold party just one day before Jee Lee shows up! I want to hear all about it, see all the disgusting (and maybe some nice) pictures!!

:)

Oh, Meet teams are all back already. Matt's back already. So soon eh. Meaning the Thailand MEET team had a few days shorter trip compared to the Phillipines MEET team. Oh. I didn't know. I thought Matt won't be back so soon. Wondered how it went. So far no news from Adrian yet.

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And I'm singing Daniel Powter's Bad Day today.

*donno*

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” – George Bernard Shaw

I was just reading Yasmin Ahmad’s blog when I saw the above.

For a person who dislike change as much as I do, reading the above was like telling myself that unless I start to accept change, I will never progress. Well, I’ve kinda accepted that truth a few days ago when I was just thinking of an incident that happened during our exco retreat a month ago. Our bible study group is to go through a split. That means change. I retaliated. I was angry. How can they take away the only people I am close enough to call my family?! How can they! I hate that and I am angry!! They said wise things to help me see it from a different perspective but I was so angry that I didn’t care what they said and shut my mind. “I don’t care what you say, the group stays as ONE”

It took me to cool down. The realisation that no one is on my side. A talk with Edgar. A talk with God to realise that it is for the betterment of the whole group and the incoming group members, that we split. So, fine. We will split – I am in agreement. I will comply to change. I will accept.

But in the most recent kinda “change” I am talking about, it ain’t about whose betterment. It’s not about progess (or so I think). I’ve been thinking about it and I realised what it was.

It is about what we all have and need – FRIENDS. That’s where change is happening now. But, you know, I really hope that this is not change. It is just me having thinking too much. Ya. I hope.

Unimportant

I believe I have good taste in things. You see, just the other day when I publically announce my admiration for South Korea's footballer, Ahn Jung-Hwan, I have enough "faith" that my taste is good. I have no idea why South Korea's coach only let him out in the second half of both games but each time he enters the field, he strikes a goal. So, there's nothing else to be said. He's pretty good, ain't he? haha..

And yes, I have good taste.

But, the guys I have been liking doesn't actually support the above statement, in terms of looks. Hah! In terms of quality, quite okay la - I can still say I have good taste. But, in terms of looks, hmm...I honestly, can't say I have good taste. I am greedy. I want both. So, I shall go on looking.

Haha!!

Well, am now struggling with something that I have not struggled for a long time and you know, it sucks! BIG TIME.....
But, with a God who can move mountain, what's a problem like mine for HIM rite? It should be alrite soon....

:)

Love...

Just finished watching ‘I am Sam’ and I am really touched – by a love a (mentally disabled) man can have for his daughter. The blatant reality behind that show that strucked me was that even in our desires to love a person, we hold back for various reasons, main one being fear. And even if we want to love, somehow or rather the recipient ends up hurt – sometimes for a lifetime.

In a world where we’re told to be kind, (sometimes “too kind”), people are told and taught it to be unkind and rude to tell someone how that person has hurt you. Most people rather just bottle it all in. I know I am like that.

I fear telling people they’ve hurt me – fear being labelled “over-sensitive”, fear not having friends – valid fears I must say. Because I see no wrong in being sensitive – it’s my make up. You don’t like it? Tell my creator.

I was watching the Holland vs. Ivory Coast game and I saw love – between Van Nistelrooy and Van Persie. The former a Man U player and the latter an Arsenal player. Nistelrooy scores his country a second goal and gets cheered by his fellow play-and country-mates. And then there’s love – when he stands up and he faces Van Persie, he smiled. A smile that says “I scored and I’m glad to share it with you”. And he hugged V. Persie – A real big bearie hug!

I saw love there.

Love – why has something so pure been tainted and changes to something quite ugly at times?

Readers, go and wish your fathers a Happy Daddy’s Day! Go call, send him a letter, hug him, shake his hand…just do something to tell him you love him and thank him for being a father to you. Show him you love him.

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I'm back and things have changed.

And I don't like it.

SAD.

Football....

The football fever is on! Woohoo…

I wanted to go to Melvin’s place for the World Cup 2006 opening game but had to host a bunch of Singaporean friends here. And no one stayed up to watch that match with me. I had to watch it alone! This is so sad. Still, my greatest disappointment was when Japan lost to Australia. I sat down and stared at the television in disbelief. 3 goals in 8 minutes! How was that even possible!!!

Yesterday, my love for Ahn Jung Hwan came back alive. Disappointed in the beginning when I didn’t see him in the field, but all was forgotten when I saw him in action in the 2^nd half of the game! All of World Cup 2002, Ahn Jung Hwan was the man I kept my eyes on throughout. Hah! And he didn’t disappoint me this time!!

He's the man!!!!!

I miss playing football.

We girls now only watch guys play. We are no more the ones getting dirty in the field. Sigh. What happened to the joy of playing football – especially playing in the rain!! Now, I’ve become the bimbo that goes crazy over a cute guy in the field. Oh no!!! How I’ve changed! Hah!!

For the next few days, if you don’t hear from me again, I’m either too wrapped up in my fantasy of being married to a super cute footballer, or I’m on my way to making my dreams come true! Hahaha!!!

Will guys like girls who can dual-handedly carry 18.9L of water? I did that just today! Woohoo… Talk about strong arms eh. Haha….

Sick and tired but full of joy

Church camp at Fraser's Hill was good for me. It was a good time for fellowship. Having Eric Kirton as Camp Speaker was a good thing because his messages are always straight to the point yet will not put you to sleep and you learn! I like it!! Especially when the camp was short and was pretty packed with messages and group discussions. Hah!

There were times during the discussion when people's opinion and mine clashed. I voice my opinion only when I think necessary and I did make some people feel as if I was in direct opposition to them but I didn't do it in a very harsh way - so, I think there was no hard-feelings. Really! I think I was rather gentle in my opinion-raising. Ya!

But the one thing that was really good for me was the time spent with San, Yan and Josh. It was a good time spent. Just eating together, fellowshipping, walking, getting angry with each other, manja-ing with each other, playing, teasing, boating....
Other than that, was my time spent with getting to know the kids in church better. Well, Life Chapel has really been growing in the number of kids. Hah. My favourite kid is still Charise Chiu! 9 months old girl weighing 10.3 kg, she is really very heavy but superbly adorable! She is so cute!! Her cousin is super pretty! She is super picky on who can carry her and she allowed me to carry her! How privileged I am! Woohoo....Another great achievement was to be able to talk and play with Iain and Ivan. You see, Iain and Ivan are super shy and it was difficult trying to talk to them much - what more play with them. They won't even smile back. Now, they will tell me stories and I can play catching-catching with them! THis is just so cool la!!!

Anyhow, I'm pretty sick now. Just went to see the doctor this morning. Well, if you know me well enough, you'd know that I don't see the doctor unless I'm very sick. So ya. I hate falling ill. Haha...No worries Weng Yan, I'm not upset that you passed the germs to me! hah.

On another note, Adrian and Fedora are getting well now. Praise the Lord. :) I've been praying for them. :)

Edgar will be leaving soon too....praying for him! :)

God is good all the time.

Our God is an awesome God.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)