We need reminders from time to time

On Thursday, Edgar reminded me about being humble before God.
On Friday, Ade reminded me about surviving on God’s sufficient grace.

I really needed to be reminded of these things. Thank God for brothers and sisters who are there to just nudge me on bit by bit.

I am a very unique species. I can be very proud of who I am, yet at the same time suffer from low-self esteem. And there’s one part of me that I have always been very happy of. But it got blown away pretty hard on Thursday. You see, I’ve always known that whatever good there is in me is not from me but from God. I’ve always known that. But, I’ve never really asked God how to use this gift. Well yea, I asked Him for help when I struggle to smile and lighten atmosphere, ease things up, laugh and joke about things. At when I meet someone in need for an encouraging word, by God’s grace, am able to meet that need. Of course, again I say, it’s not I but God working. However, strange as it may be, I seem to have gotten more proud about the way God has worked in me, the gifts he has given me, the abilities in me. And this really shouldn’t happen. And realising that I suck really points me back to know that there’s nothing good in me that God should look upon me and say “I could use her”, makes me bow my knees in humility knowing that God chose to exercise His love, grace, mercy, power through me. And that whatever good is in me, is really not because I worked for it or that I deserved it but it is God’s gift and in my exercise of these gifts, I better be careful to use them for the glory of God. Thank God we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, not forgetting brothers and sisters who’d teach us too.

And Ade’s note to me was complementary too. It taught me to see that the gifts that God gave to me were really His grace poured out on me. And I do not need to survive on my own strength. I do not need to struggle through life experiences with my own abilities because God’s grace is there for me to cling upon.

And then, there’s the whole question about how I am serving God with my studies. And I’m glad that Isaiah 40 answered that for me. A question I had all throughout Friday and on Saturday, as I did my QT, it became pretty clear to me. Thank God for that.

Isaiah 40: 6 – 8

The voice said “Cry out!”
And he said, “What shall I cry?”
“All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers, the flowers fades, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the Word of our God stands forever.”

So, the question, “How do I serve god with my studies?” And the answer is above. I cry out – cry out the word of God. Because that is what that stands for eternity. Personal revelation. Woah. Exciting.

And today in church, we were talking about evangelism, and as we were talking about it, I was challenged by some of the leaders in my group and how they really just have a heart to reach out to those in their community. Uncle Eric and Uncle Andrew were such great encouragements. Morris was extraordinary in having such great big ambitions too. And I tried to see where I fitted and how I’ve grown in this area. And only God could have brought about the change in my attitude towards evangelism. From passive participations to a more active participation. I pray for even more active participation. And to know and feel God’s heart for people.

I’ve said much. Bottom line is that God is very good and I pray for Him to continue to work in me that I may exemplify Jesus in my behaviour and be the very woman God so desires.

xxx

And here are some pictures from the weekend.

David and Radika came over to the Lee Villa (where I stay) and we had a good time just cooking and eating. I think Radika and David had a pretty good time on the guitar and the piano respectively. :) I had a good time just cooking. Cooking makes me happy but the best is that they were there to help buy the ingredients and cook together. And then, eating the fruits of our labour. haha. Satisfying. Although, extremely disappointed that the Ikan Assam Pedas was neither Assam or Pedas. (At least not pedas enough for me la). But, the others were good. And it was the company that always makes it best. :)

Home cooked by JeeLee, Radika and David. :)

And while I was washing the fish, the fish fins were evil and decided to stab me. So, this is what happened.

Injured by the fish

Yeap. That's it for me for now. :)

Time, STOP.

I know why I am hungry. That's because the last I ate was about 18 hours ago. How to not be hungry rite? I'll go dig some food out later. For now, I'll blog.

Yesterday's Hari Raya visitation was quite cool. I learnt much about Sara and her family while the learn more about the malay culture. Not that I know every single thing about the culture. But I know quite a lot la. I can't help it. I have malay relatives. But the most ego boosting thing that happened was this: Sara's mother complimented my way of eating. Hah. No, it's not the table manners. It's the way I complement my food. It's like the way I eat lemang. I eat it with all the dry stuffs like Rendang and Sotong masak sambal. You don't possibly eat lemang with lontong. Haha. now, that felt good. But sigh, I miss the Hari Raya food in KL. First of all, lemang is not exactly my favourite staple. But Sara's mom cooked pretty well I must say. Her beef rendang was exceptionally delicious. Ah, too bad it takes very long to cook it. If not, i'd have cook rendang sometime soon. haha. Despite having my ego boosted, the one thing i'm most happy about is that I learnt something about Sara and her family. And it is when you see the family that you learn more about your friends. :)

I really have a lot to do. But there are so many other things I wish I could do. Like, travelling, picture taking, cycling, play monopoly. But, I have to study. I have to do assignments. I have projects to complete. I have tests to study for. I have Bible Study to prepare for. And ministry summore le. Aiyoh. God, grant me strength le.

No time for matters of the heart. Haha! How funny.

For now, it's time to eat. hehe.

Strangeness...

A few nights ago I was just telling Geoffrey that if he knew what kind of person I was and am, he’d freak out. If the nus navigators knew the kind of person I was and am, they’d freak out. It’s not that I don’t let them into my life but hey, I’ve only been here for 2 years and 3 months. And out of that duration, I spend about 3 months a year in KL. So I spend maybe about 21 months in Singapore. How much can they get to know me in 21 months? Of course those who spend more time with me know me more those less, know me less. Logic. But, even then, there are things that I don’t tell them. Like it or not, our past shapes who we are right now. There are some things in the past that are pretty much connected to who I am right now and these things people here don’t know. Not because I don’t want to tell them but I guess, Singapore is a fast pace country and they only move forward. No backwards. And if I move backwards, I’m strange. I already am.

I guess, to a large extent, although I blog quite openly and I’m rather open to people in my friendships, I am still rather close. Many of my friends don’t know what makes me crazy. They don’t know my hobbies. Many people don’t know a lot of things. And I guess, I’ve not met someone interested enough in me to want to know. Hah. Maybe that’s what I really want to rant about today. But, nah.

Am I a natural fight-starter? Today, just today, 2 persons have said something to me that make me feel as if I said something wrong and they had to put me down. Did I? If I were the fightsty woman I used to be, the stubborn, i-don’t-care-what-kind-of-person-you-are-and-i-still-want-to-shoot-you-down kinda woman, I’d probably have used words to slap them back. But, I just kept quiet. I’ve learnt my lesson. God teaches well. Keep quiet. There’s no use to fight back especially when it’s not something very important, even though both issues were something very close to me and I know I’d most of the time give up some verbal fight first. I’m the I’ll-show-it-to-you kind, especially when you try to prove me wrong, Especially when I know I am right. But, I’m learning. I’m learning.

Don't hate me. I'm learning.

Awed

Having received unmeasurable amount of grace, I am thankful to God for all that He is and He has done for me. God has been good to me.

When Bernard asked us (ex-co members) to attend a meeting to listen to the International Director of the Navigators, Mr. Mike Treener, I was at a high! Yes, I want to go and hear from a godly man and learn. Came today, I was tired and was feeling rather lazy. How sometimes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I attended it anyway.

And the rest of my time in the Nav HQ was extremely encouraging. Seeing a man like Mike was very humbling to me and a great reminder too. When I see men and women of God being put in positions that grant them the label “saints” or “godly people” or “holy people”, I often picture a man with a tie, probably a tux, heads up high in confidence, speaks eloquently. (If a woman, dresses very well, likewise, heads up high in confidence, speaks eloquently…) But Mike didn’t have that appearance. A tall man, he walked in with a hunch, no tie, no tux, just a shirt and a pair of slack, and quiet. He spoke in such gentleness that I was so drawn to it. And as He spoke and shared of the passion in His heart, the heartbeat on God’s heart, I was so moved. He didn’t had to have “model essays” to get my attention. He got my attention when he showed that he loved God and all he wanted to do is to love God and serve Him. How can people not be drawn by such aroma of Christ in Mike? Of course it’s pretty impossible.

Mike “taught” us how to be a disciple, living and discipling among the lost. But what I took home with me was a very valuable lesson – probably something I shamefully confess, as something I need to learn and relearn – the lesson of: faithfulness. Not about God being faithful but about me being faithful. God is forever faithful and I cannot change that. But I am least faithful and I can and NEED to change that.

I had a very encouraging chat over lunch with Yin Wah. She and I shared how we can pray for one another and as she asked me how she can pray for me, I struggle to find an answer. Not because there’s nothing to pray for me but I think there’s too many. I was on a struggle to pick one. Then, I shared how it is a struggle for me to be faithful in ministry when there’s so much school work. I hate to divide but in the aspect of discipleship, it has been trying; in the aspect of evangelism, doors and hearts of people are opening up and that means more work. And sometimes I feel that school work is really burdensome. Leave me alone and I can do what I love best: ministry. But, let’s not get to there. And it is amazing because God has been answering my prayers. One by one, my friends are opening up. I wait patiently for one day when all my friends whom I’ve been praying for come to know the Lord. They come up to me, each one, opening up their lives before me and I know God is not only answering my prayer He is also giving me the privilege of being the one planting at least one seed. God is giving me the privilege to have my name jotted down for my friends’ life. Oh how I am unworthy. And I struggle because when I see the work that needs to do, I cannot cope because stress level goes up high and I don’t deal with stress very well. I need prayers. I need to be faithful. I need to be initiative. I need to love with the heart that Jesus loves. But, I thank God because Yin Wah really encouraged me by telling me how much she thinks that God has given me this “gift” where people feel comfortable to open up to me. And I really appreciate her affirming me this – coming from a godly woman herself. Amazing.

xxx

There’s nothing to shout about of Vivo City. Trust me. And it is the supposedly new biggest shopping mall in Singapore. I think Suntec is still bigger though. Design is creative but strange. I guess, art can be strange sometimes. Creative but not wise. The aisle is far too narrow and the gap between is far too wide.

xxx

I want Mark Schultz’s “Song Cinema” album.

Go watch Petronas’ advertisements for Deepavali and Hari Raya. The former a funny one while the latter a touching one. And yes, the touching one moved me to tears. I enjoy Petronas’ advertisements. Not many people can come up with advertisements like theirs.

Do I need to say more? I love Malaysia (and Malaysia’s products?)

Where is thy faith?

I'll try to blog something. If it don't make sense, just ignore it.

So, today initially started pretty well but I guess, the things of yesterday did affect me a little today. So, it wasn't the best of all starts but it was good that I had QT with some Nav people today. It's always good to have QT together with others. And it's amazing how God speaks to each of us (somewhat) differently even though we might be meditating on a similar verse. God's a personal God eh. :)

Met up with Grace and tried to just talk to her and hopefully somewhere in our conversation, she will be encouraged. I am glad she did. :)

But, when I came home, I had a tinny weeeny argument with Bryan. It sucks because we were "arguing" about marriage. I guess, it was a sensitive issue. I didn't feel like talking about it. But it sucks to have an argument with a friend 8-hours-flight away from you. The good thing was that he called (though it was much later) and we talked. It was definitely nice knowing that a friend would call you up to patch things up (tho they weren't really in a mess in the first place) even though you're 8-hours-flight away from each other. :)

And I wouldn't want to talk about the rest of the tinny weeny arguments that I had with other people today. It's not worth picking on them because they were tinny weeny and it wouldn't weigh even 1 cent. My bad because I'm extra sensitive today so whatever people said carried more weight. But it's strange, because I didn't get angry or pissed. I just got s a d. Yes, I realised I don't really like arguments. Yeap, I don't. So, I got very sad today when I started arguing with Bryan. Please don't argue with me because I have a very weak heart.

People think I'm much stronger than I actually am.
People think I'm much strong-willed than I actually am.

Oh well, people change.

I am always very suprise when I find out something new about me. And today I found out 3 things.

(1) I am very much shy-er than I would like to admit. Timid looking girls might be braver than me. Really!! I will not tell you how I found out but I am amused.

(2) I am still very naughty, mischievous.....whatever you can think of. I can think of all sorts of naughty things to do. But good girls like me should not be mischievous or naughty. We should be good girls and behave totally like one. haha.

(3) I am probably cuter (in my behaviour) than I actually know! Hah! You see how this contradicts point (1)? Okay okay. I actually hate to say this but people have been saying I'm cute. Oh gosh. Stop it! Because cuteness totally don't describe me. I'm a naggy, serious woman - infact, too serious for my age. Hah! (Then again, too mischievous for my age too). Anyway, so stop saying I'm cute, because I'm not. haha. Den again, I might be. I'm just hating to accept it. haha. Talk about bein shy man. I'm so not-shy la. (but no! I am very shy!)

Don't say I'm picky about BGR relationships. I cannot not be. Kat, your post struck something in me. Sometimes, I do secretly wish I was a little bit more cincai. I'm not saying I should be more cincai in bgr issues. Just perhaps more Cincai with other things. Yeah...

Ecclesiastes

I found it strange that I couldn't think of anything interesting that happened to me last week. Surely, God wouldn't bore me rite? There were many interesting things that happened last week but I just couldn't share them because many of them were very private. (And trust me, I don't confide in as many people as I used to) It's just wiser to keep things to the bare minimal - at least for now.

You need to see my handphone screensaver - it's a picture of a very cute baby girl and the favourite baby in church for me and one more friend. I was missing that friend on Friday. Missing the baby too. So on my way to nav rally, I was starting to feel like taking off and going home. Because I made dinner appointments already and because I was in charge of the ice-breakers for the rally, I couldn't really leave la. So, stayed. But, God brought a very special gift. Really! This lady sat next to me and she was carrying a cute indian baby girl. (Chinese babies are cute but generally, Indian babies cannot be not cute!) And this mother had a friend who was of course trying to capture the attention of the baby. But you know what amused me? That this cute baby girl had wanted to play with me instead. She even tried talking to me. (And her mother said it was difficult to get her to talk earlier on. But now she wants to talk). The baby reached out for my hand. She wanted to touch me. She wanted to play with me. And i'm quite sure it wasn't because I'm chinese because her mother's friend was a very fair lady too. I didn't dare play with her especially when her mother wanted the baby to play with her friend. So, i just did funny faces and tried to communicate to her with baby language la. She laughed till she drooled la. It's an amazing happiness when you see babies so happy!! It was that happiness that carved a smile on me face throughout the night. :) And a few people that night asked me what makes me happy. Simple: A beautiful smile.

To know that God gives second chance warms my heart. You see, last year there was a girl I was intending to reach out to. And I had gone out of my comfort zone to care for this girl but as she started to drift away from me, I stopped pursuing too. Even when I pray for her and felt God tugging and causing me to want to reach out to her, I never took up the first step to start. I just sat back at my chair waiting for God to do something. I've ignored God's tugging a few times and yet God is still giving me a second chance. So, this girl has come up to me a few times this semester, wanting to open up to me. I am amazed. So, I am meeting her later today for lunch and I hope things will go well. Thank God that He still chose to use me even though I feel totally incapable of doing anything.

Right now, I'm just confused because my heart isn't in sync with my mind. Does the heart behave rationaly? I don't think so. But, God in His grace and love will point my mind and heart to an unconfused state in His time.

For now, I know we've lived seperate lives for a long time. Inasmuch as the heart wants something we had back, the mind knows it doesn't really want that. So, I'm torn. For what is ahead, I'll leave it to God because there's nothing really much I can do about it. All I can do as far as this issue is concerned is to pray. And as far as praying is concerned, I am also praying for you. I have been for the past 6 years and I know this will not all be in vain. You know I don't give up so easily. You know I'm pretty strong willed. I didn't give up on you 5 years ago. I won't give up now. I will still pray.

And the conclusion of the matter is this: "Fear God and keep HIS commandments" says Solomon.

*Smile...*

Here are the beautiful ladies.....Wah. How thick skinned can I be rite? hehe.

Somehow, Petra, Felicia and I are always wearing the same colour scheme clothes. So cool. We're so united!!! hehe. So happy.

PS: Leng, See, I put up nice pictures too. Not only of disgusting toes. Bleah. :p

clash

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:20-21

I think for a strange moment, my heart doesn’t belong to where it should rightly be so. There are the plans in my heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Although the plans in my heart is something that God shares, I think the reason for my discomfort right now is not right and not pleasing to Him. And it is unhealthy when I give reasons to allow for depression.

It’s the first time I’m bothered about it. I shouldn’t be – at least not this much.

Whatever it is, let the Lord’s purpose prevail!

It's frightening - really.

Yesterday during our CDA (Critical Discourse Analysis) class, my friend Janice ( a fellow Malaysian) turn and ask another friend Sara (a Singaporean) this: Do you think Singapore or Malaysia is more racist?

Sensitive subject isn’t it?

But, here’s the funny thing. Singaporean prides themselves of how diverse the culture in Singapore is. Yes, there’re Chinese, Indians, Malays. So what if they tolerate each other’s race? I mean, almost every country in the world will have a combination of races in a particular city. If so, every city can then claim they have a diverse culture. So, what makes it all different?

In my first year here, I was utterly shock to find out that one of my close friend (who is a Chinese) has only ONE friend who is not a Chinese. Woah. 20 over years living and you only have one non-chinese friend. Utterly unbelievable right? I’m sure most of us Malaysians cannot imagine it right?

Okay. So, Singapore has a majority population of Chinese. Malaysia has a majority population of Malays. And I am quite sure that the Malays in Malaysia has more than one friend from other ethnic groups or race groups.

So Sara pointed out, there’s very little knowledge about each other’s race and practices. Whatever (little) people know, it is taught in school. Not because they have friends who will educate them. She then, turn to another of our friend, a fellow Singaporean and ask her what does she know about why Sara fasts during Ramadhan. And of course, her answer was surprisingly funny. And it’s interesting that people can live in such ignorance.

The Malays are fasting for one month and people don’t even know why they fast. It says quite a bit doesn't it?

So, how diverse is this culture really? Or is everyone just living their own lives, oblivious to the other different lives there are?

Ignorance.

Which brings me to the next point: the US is panicking over the nuclear test conducted by North Korea. The newspaper is filled with comments about it. The newspaper takes it as of very high newsvalue. Yet, there are people who do not even know what is happening around the world. We live in our own little world, oblivious to what happens out there. I cannot not say this but : kita semua seperti katak di bawah tempurung la. All sorts of countries are reacting towards what happened in North Korea but the people are all living in ignorance. I mean, how difficult is it to access newspaper? There’s e-newspaper. Everything is at your fingertips. Oh gosh. Sorry ya guys. It’s just something that is rather frightening – when people are living their lives so ignorant about what happens around the world. The very least I hope all of you know is that Google bought over YouTube – at least for those who uses YouTube.

It’s suprising isn’t it? How ignorant a person can be? The world is going nuts over North Korea’s nuclear test and here we are sitting in our own chairs not even knowing it and concentrating on how bad the weather is – ok fine, it’s hazy – still?!

PS: In my opinion and my replies to comments, nothing is meant to personally attack anyone or any citizenship. My thoughts are just directed at a situation that is more-a-less pervasive in many parts of the world. Just the thought of ignorance is frightening. I point out Spore because it is where my observations started but it doesn't mean that Sporeans are the only ones "to blame". :) Readers from other place might be able to apply the sentiments shared here to the place they are at right now too. Cheers.

It's not you

It's so unsettling.
Because I am upset.
And upsetness is irrelevent to whether you understand the situation or not.
I can't tell whether I understand or not.
I think I do. (and sympathize with you)
But many times, I think I don't.
Because inasmuch as I sympathize, I don't understand the decisions you've made.

And I am not only upset with you.
I am upset with myself.
Because I know the reason why I do not understand the decisions you've made is because I have placed judgement and expectations on you that I now know you cannot meet and it is totally unfair of me to placed those upon you.

And for all those, I am sorry - truly I am.
And I have to find a way to settle with how I am feeling because I know I cannot talk to you about it.

God, help me.

(and I can't help but feel that I'm such a terrible person for feeling this way. sigh)

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

Todayness....

The condition of the air outside of the house is horrendous. It’s scary! I’m talking about the haze. I don’t know how is it in Malaysia but in Singapore, visibility is reduced to two to three kilometres (from 10 kilometres)! It’s scary really. It hurts my eye and my nose. It’s terrible really.

I met up with the lecturer from NIE today. She reminds me so much of Ms.Yeo. Oh goodness. She doesn’t say “Bye bye” on the phone too. They must be long lost twins! I can’t believe I had dinner with such a lady. Don't get me wrong, I don’t hate them. They are just so principal-like. And I'm not really very comfortable with that. I ask her what does she lectures in NIE, and she said "I lecture principles and HOD (Head of Dept). WOAH. Totally got blown away man. Oh well, it was a good dinner really! She's really quite nice and humourous. When people like herself cracks a joke, I stare at them in disbelief. It's like so un-them. haha. But, she spoke to me about NIE mainly. And she thinks it is important that I get an education cert from NIE. And oh well, the reason for me wanting to be a teacher is also because it eases my entrance into countries. I can do whatever I want once I gain entrance. And if having an education cert from NIE makes it all the more easier, then okay lor. I will suffer the next 3-4 years so that I can achieve what I want to. What is 3-4 years compared to 10 years in a foreign country doing work that I find passion in?

Ah, pray. Today I met up with a dear sister. And all I can say is this: pray. You know, the Operation World guy quoted this:

When men work, men works
When men pray, God works.

Not saying that we don’t work of course. But, pray people. Pray.

God is VERY good la....

My toe has a blister! This sucks. So, today I was walking around school with a blistered toe. Thankfully it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.

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Today has been extremely encouraging.

Noon time I was at Nav HQ listening to this guy from Operation World tell us about the state of the gospel penetration to the world. It was really eye opening. It was really good because through the presentation, I see the needs, I see what can be done – I see what I can do. I see what I need to do. It was extremely encouraging. Gloria asks me, “so what did you take back from the presentation?” And I exclaimed, “India!!!” haha…Yes, India.

But at the back of my head, I hesitate. Why do I hesitate? Because throughout the year, I’ve had nightmares that makes me not want to go to India. And also my heart for the sons and daughters of Ishmael has increased and oh well, I’ve always think that this heart means that my mission field would be in Malaysia. I mean, my own country needs missionaries and I’m a citizen. What a better privilege than that right? So, once given that privilege, use it!

Then, I went for another talk organised by VCF. And one thing the guy said struck a very hard cord in me. He said “sometimes the devil tries to hinder us by painting nightmare pictures”. Wow! That could be exactly what the devil is trying to do. I’ve thought of that before but I am too scared to think about it too much – think about whether the nightmares I’ve had are the devil’s way of hindering me to not want to go to India. So, after he put it that way, it was like “That’s it! That’s exactly what the devil is trying to do with all the nightmares” (I’ve had one recently again!) Because, I remember very clearly having a burning desire to want to go to India and then the nightmares came and then, almost immediately, the desires vanished and I don’t ever want to go into India to do missions. Talk about fear. Talk about the devil’s work. It should have been more obvious to me earlier.

I’m not saying that I’m confirmed and very sure that India is the place God would want to send me too. But for now, I’m very interested to go to India again. The passion is back. The desire is back. Because now that I’ve recognised the work of the devil, I’ve recognised the fear he was planting in me. I’m going to face it and I’m going to stare at it in the face and fight it!

Have you ever shared the gospel with someone and then that person says “I cannot accept it but thank you for sharing with me. I am really very inspired”? I had a girl say that to me today. It was very interesting because I normally hesitate to share the gospel with people whom I don’t have very established friendship with. But today, I felt I should share. I felt compelled to share and so I did. It was really very interesting because we talked for a very long time and it was very encouraging to me because I saw with my own eyes (maybe the eyes of my spirit) that there was a change – before and after the sharing. She wasn’t as defensive as she was at the beginning. It was really cool. And when she thank me, it was like “woah. Are you really thanking me?” And when she said “I am really very inspired me”, I was like “Woah. God, thank You!!!”

God is very good la…..

Today is my free day. And I met up with so many people….Am so exhausted from the running around done today. So tired. But totally fulfilling. I’m so happy. I’m so filled with joy.

Thank You, LORD. It’s truly very humbling that You would use even me. Thank You!!

My life is not my own

My ears are burning hot now and I have no idea why. Could it be heaty Shelby? hehe.

Things are happening so fast. Oh gosh. Slow down!

Today I got an email from this lady teaching in NIE(National Institute of Education). She wants to meet me. She wants to talk to me about teaching and about going into full-time ministry. I am in shock but I am planning to meet her for dinner sometime this week. We'll see how things goes.

I have my reservations for entering NIE. If people think NUS is stressful, NIE is worse. I've heard enough terrible stories of NIE to stop me from getting myself into it. I don't enjoy stress. I don't enjoy working under tremendous amount of stress. Yes, I want to get a diploma in education but I rather get it from Malaysia than in Spore. I can only teach 2 subjects - English and Malay. And then, the next question would be: do I want to teach primary and secondary school kids? We're talking about a full-time vocation here - not a part-time, for fun kinda thing. Do I really want to do that? And having been a rascal in school before, I am afraid of getting the same treatment from students like myself, or even worse. So, yes, hesitant. I have not forgotten the reason I'm majoring in English. I have not forgotten my childhood dream of being a teacher. I still want to. But, is this the path Lord?

I need to work in Singapore for the next 3 years. During which I hope to be able to get a degree from Bible Seminary as well. After the 3 years is done, I want to pursue my masters in English. NOT in NUS though. If not, they will bond me an extra 3 years. By then, I would be stranded in Singapore with no hope of being received back in Malaysia anymore. While pursuing my masters in English, I hope to be doing something close to a full-time ministry or better still, be a missionary! So how? My plan sounds good eh? Don't worry. I am hoping to get married somewhere in that plan of mine. But, these are just my plans. I don't know where God will lead me to.

I'm still trying to figure it out - step by step. But yes, I'm thinking about what God would want me to do after I graduate. It's scary. Stepping into the not-so-safe world.

And haha. I sound so boring. How come I do not plan to travel around the world? See other beautiful places that God has created? Why is it that i'm such a lover of beauty but in my plans for my future only plan to go to poverty striken places?

Like most people, I think I've gotten my ideal life plan almost all figured out. Now, the same question I ask Josh, "Where is God in all this?"
Maybe it would be better if I didn't plan for anything. No dreams whatsoever. Just live my life on a day to day basis. But then again, what's the point of living then, if there're no dreams? Sigh.

God, You lead!

Summary of it all....

Lately, I’ve been more and more encouraged about my desire to go into missions. And the desire has deepened. I’m just praying more and God is also doing more in my heart. It has been a very encouraging two weeks. I know I haven’t written much about what’s going on…But, it’s too difficult to express in written form. Talk to me and I’ll tell you the exciting stories of how God is working in me.

I cannot say this more, but fellow brothers and sisters, pray more. It may be the most boring thing to do but see it as being in the presence and communion with God. It’s tremendously fulfilling and good, even if you kena rebuke. Trust me. If there’s one thing I want to encourage you to do is this: Be diligent in being in His presence!

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I’ve tried writing about the fantastic weekend I had back home. But, I can’t seem to justify it all with pure words.

So, here’s my attempt at using pictures too.

I’ve had a very blessed week – just spending time with very precious people in my life.

Time with family was very precious – just being home, being in the presence of beloveds – Priceless!

My meal times with sisters – Adelene, Yin Ngai, and Aliza was very precious. Each of them took the initiative to make me feel very special. Our meal times assured me that our friendship were secure and that they love me and that I love them too. Because when I didn’t feel obliged to meet up with them. Instead, I was very happy!

My meal times with school friends – namely, Boon Khoon and Sin Chee was good. We chatted about a few things and gave me a small chance to make statements of my faith, which I was very thankful for.

My meal times with church friends – first group, Jon and Shelby was encouraging. (Jon is from SJGC but we’re all part of a big family!) One topic that encouraged me was when we were talking about full-time ministry. I was very encouraged to see a fellow brother on fire for God – to serve Him in full-time ministry. Of course, it was rather ironic that we then started talking about how to be a billionaire. Haha. But, spending time together was good – as always.
Second group, the Life Chapel people – too many to name them, but it was good to see them all in church. Some people look different. Keat Poh has a new hairdo. Timothy has tanned. Emily looking prettier each time I see her. Talking to uncle Jit Seng was precious. I don’t know how I will handle it if God takes him home while I’m in Singapore. Charise is ever so cute. She’s slim down quite a bit but still my favourite of all babies in church! Iain and Ivan still the playful but shy brothers. Then, there’s my breakfast buddies! Oh girls, you are so precious to me and I love each one of you so much. God has definitely blessed me with friends like yourselves!

My time spent with Joshua was very good as well. I think through the course of me studying abroad, Joshua has sometimes said things that make me feel rather insecure over our friendship but I’m beginning to see that when Joshua affirmed me once that I’m a friend he treasured, he still mean it even until now – that I am still a friend he treasures. The fact that he wanted to spend time with me was heart-warming. Of course, being driven around is always something to be happy about. Haha…

I didn’t get to spend much time with Weng Yan, I mean time alone. Nevertheless, I know she intends to but time didn’t permit. It’s okay girl, I know you love me. That’s all that matters! I love you too… because a friend like you is truly a blessing to me I do not deserve!

I thank God for each one of you… and I treasure each of you so much.

Here would be some pictures that would speak for itself:

A very happy blessed birthday celebration


Delicious Bak Kut Teh...the before and after. :)


Brickfield's very good and famous Pork Noodle!!! Yummy.....


Yummylicious steamboat...

Ah...home....

Fingerprints of God

Listening to it in my room, quiet and alone. Trying my best to recall when I first heard that song. But, trying not to be too emotional.

I love it.

It speaks so much.