Good day to you! :)

So tired today. But, I kinda did nothing. haha....

Was late for class today - by 5 minutes. But, still marked late. Sigh! I'm sad to say this but I realised today that I've a very bad attitude towards Child Language. I love the module. For those of you who know me, you'd know how much I love kids. I've also worked with kids before and realised that I have a gift in dealing with kids. So, I love this module - despite it's heavy workload. But, because it's 100% CA (Continuous Assessment), means there's no final test, and the CA is more or less over edi, I feel like as if I don't need to put in anymore effort, don't need to study, don't need to read up and all that. I go for lecture only because attendence will be taken. Although I'm interested but because it involves work, I'd rather not do. Sigh! Bad attitude as a student!!! God is not pleased....I think. Sigh.

Was suppose to have lunch with viggy but didn't get to because he had to meet his prof. :( but we've arranged for lunch on Tuesday! :)
So I had lunch with Janice instead. Janice is a sister-in-Christ from KL and a fellow EL major too. It was nice having lunch again (just the both of us) after so long. :P

Went back to library and slept for a while before I actually started work on my Historical Variation project. My my my!!!! I can't believe I really started work! haha....There's bout a hundred plus more words to write. :) So happy!

Had camp commitee meeting, yay. All looks good. But u know, during the meeting, there was another group who was super super noisy la. They were not doing anything but talking rubbish and laughing. Normally the YIH student lounge is used for project meetings or like for us, committee meetings and all...so, I was rather irritated that they were sitting there, doing nothing but making noise! I know a few of our group members were rather distracted too. I prayed for God to "shut them up" haha....Well, their volume did reduce a little. After awhile, their noise level started going up again (altho not as loud as previously). I went to the ladies and when I came back in, I approached them to tone down a bit. :) It was a little better after that. Bout 15-20 minutes after that, they left. Hehe..... :) :) :)

Today I again saw some things that caused my mind to wonder here and there but because I told myself to not have such wondering thoughts because it's not pleasing to God so there was a little struggle. To keep telling myself to surrender those thoughts to God. Holiness in my thought life. especially when those thoughts effect my emotions. God, help me!!!!!

I was just speaking to a friend with whom I've not spoken to for quite some time already - esp when it comes to our relationships with God. Keeping her in my prayers! :)

It's late...
So, goodnight!! :)

Thank U Lord...

As far as my mind can bring me, I don't remember being this sad. I hated that feeling. I didn't know what to do. My mind was confused. My heart was torn. I just didn't know what to do.

No one seemes free enough to listen to me. Everyone had their things to do and I was not going to disturb people and pour my frustration on people. But, I know I had to let it out. But, not yet!! I had to meet Karen. But, I felt so problematic, I didn't know how it would turn out to be. So, as I walked out to meet her, I prayed that God will somehow use this time to minister to her and myself.

After meeting her, I wasn't feeling too good still. But I had no one to talk to and I have to prepare for a project meeting later. So, I told myself, Okay, I should study. But, I just couldn't!! So, I msged Edgar to whine. I didn't want to disturb him but I just had to let it out. He offered to call me to talk but I didnt want to disturb him. Nonetheless, he called.

You know Edgar, you have no idea how much I appreciated ur call. I think you would know how exactly I felt - the torture and the pain. And you called even though you were at a conference. I appreciate it tremendously. You had no need to call me. I told u I needed someone to whine at but you offered "someone to talk to". And, that means a lot to me. :) Thank you so much! And trust me, I know how it feels to need to attend to someone's aching heart when yours is in the same condition. All the more I appreciate YOU!! I don't say this often enough, but I appreciate YOU and not just for the things you do. :)

I really miss home though. I've been asked to help mentor some youths back in a camp. Hmm...I don't think I'll take up mentor-position because I can't attend the training session. So, seish. Whether or not I'll still go for the camp, is another thing. That one, decide later la.

Edgar's encouragement to me today was really very heartwarming.

God has been very encouraging to me - really!!! :) :)

To a large extent, I still see the beautiful self in him. That one I cannot deny. The more I see him, the more I think he's beautiful. And the one thing that's in my head now is : Lord, bless him!! Whatever that may be! :) May you make him more and more beautiful in YOU.

I'm still craving for ONE THING: I want BK breakfast!! I want BK breakfast!!!!! I want BK breakfast!!!! I want BK breakfast!! I want BK breakfast!! I really really want BK breakfast!!!

:) :) :)

*hmmm????*

Somehow, it’s difficult to try to understand why I am feeling the way I do now.

The test was horrendous. It was so super difficult. Sigh. Science test summore cannot simply bluff your way through. A very funny thing happened tho. Before class, I was feeling quite sucky because of him. I was trying to psycho myself to calm down and not panic. When I reached Science with Karen, I saw my group mates. Waaah, all so tensed. So, I told them to not panic. What’s the point of panicking rite? (Yeah, I was still trying to psycho myself). Anyway, someone from the group asked “Eh, you guys got read the past year questions ar? (everyone nodded except me) So, what’s the answer for the most vitamin deficiency in Singapore ar?” (everyone donno how to answer). I BOLDLY (and I must add, stupidly) said, “What kind of question is that? So stupid. Aiyah, anyway, they asked before edi, sure won’t ask again wan la”. YEAH rite!!

Towards the end of the test, I turned the page to the next and looked at the last question. I almost laughed out LOUD. It was the exact question that was asked earlier by my group members. I almost killed myself. I knew my group members are gonna kill me after tat. So, I told myself 'I better get out of the lecture theather before they do'. Unfortunately, I was still waiting that God will help me recall some stuff. So, I sat until the end. True enuff, Hsien Xiong called out “Jeee Leeee!!!!!” Arrrgggh….I knew I was going to get it. Sigh…..haha….

No point talking about the paper already. It’s over.

I’ve just read an email from a dear sister asking me to pray for her. You know, I’m so encouraged by the mail that she sent, because I know the step she’s taking now is not easy. I can imagine. Yet in the same breath, I am sad too.

Today, I struggled a bit with my feelings for him. I don’t know. Nothing bad really happened but when I meet him and talk to him. Then, my heart starts to play tricks on me. I wonder what will happen to me once he is not within my radar anymore, once he leaves my surrounding. Maybe without a sight of him, my feelings for him will die down OR, it will be torturous for me. So, we’ll see.

A few days ago when I looked at him again, close-up, I told myself and God, “He’s so beautiful!!!” Sigh. I’ve got a very high taste for beauty. A man can be good looking but not many can be beautiful – inside & out. He is!

For a man as beautiful as he is, who is Jee Lee to even dare to think she is considerable?

Bicara Hidup

One of the lines of that song goes "Hidup ini banyak persoalan". How true how true...

Ya apa ya bapa
Ku seru nama Mu
Yang Maha Kudus
kuatkan hatiku
teguhkan iman ku
tempoh dosa dunia
ya apa ya bapa
peganglah tangan ku
tentulah jalan ku

Still speaking to God about directions for next academic year. Things getting clearer for me. Praise God. :)

Beginning of this year, God put upon me a burden to reach out to my grandmother, who is a muslim, and the burden grew stronger and stronger. I spoke to Angel, one of the Navigators Singapore staff. But since then, I've left it because of fear. I don't know how to approach this and coming from an Islamic country, fear is natural - esp with the experiences I've had and the natural fearful atmosphere amongst Christians in their outreach work and the very cautious tone in making sure that nothing "uncalledfor" happens - like being brought to the police-station.

You see, I've been trying to reach out to some of my project groupmates. There's a malay girl in my group. Of course in my outreach, I would easily have left her out.

One day, as I was talking to Ade, she told me she saw her reading a magazine tat was distributed in school - in was the DVC thing. At that moment when Ade mentioned her name, something was stirred in me. There is a chance. Why are you letting her go? Sigh. It's too difficult Lord. I cannot do this.
Now, me and Ade are meeting up on a weekly basis to pray for them. All the more I feel I really shouldn't let her go. I must try. Maybe there's a reason why God is sending Ade to partner me in this.

On Thursday, she didn't come for lecture. So did my other project group mate. I took notes for them, as usual. Then Adrian encourage me to msg them to show that I care. hmm....Okay, maybe I should. But, I was a little reluctant. I can't explain why but I was. Shame on me! So anyways, I msged them and I tot the chinese girl would be more encouraging in her reply but instead I got a very very encouraging msg from her. I can't exactly explain why it's encouraging but maybe because I didn't expect such a warm reply. :) At that moment, again I felt something probing me "Go and do it...Don't be afraid."

With all these things happening, at the back of my head I'm asking God, "Do You want me to go back to Malaysia and serve there?"

And then, again on Saturday, Edgar asks me whether I want to give tuition to Malay kids. I didn't ask much. The minute I heard Malay kids, I jumped at that and said "YES". Haha. Stupid me!! I've yet to get more information from Edgar.

I changed my msn nick to "Ku seru namaMu, yang Maha Kudus". My secondary school buddy asks me what's with me and malay. haha....I told him "I love my country, what's wrong with loving the language?" Woah. I said that!!! haha....

Burden is still there. Something needs to be done.

Secret Love

It's funny how I didn't get much done today but am feeling alrite about it. At least I think I'm alright. I could jolly well be in-denial.

I woke up very late this morning because I had a very very disturbed sleep last nite, albeit the tiredness. My alarm clock rang at 8:30am but I switched it off and went back to bed. Was woken up next when I got an sms at 9:50am from Edgar telling me "I will be 10 mins late"....In my 80% sleeping mode, I wondered why is he sending me a msg telling me he'll be late....*think think*. Ohhh, i get it!! I replied him, "Exco meeting is at 12 la".....haha, blur friend of mine thought that exco meeting is at 10. Pity that guy. Already sleep deprived, summore travel all the way to school only to find out that meeting is 2 hours later.

Was suprised when I heard the nominees for the coming exco. Why so few people? haha....Sigh. I gotta continue praying. Please keep me in prayers yah!

Super tired. During Daniel Foo's talk today, I was yawning all the way through and fell asleep when he had a super long prayer. (Super ashamed of myself!).

I struggled to study today. I'm super tired yet there's load to study for the exam on monday. I'm not very stressed but when I saw it's 35% test, I got a little tensed - means tat I have to study well for tis. Cannot simply shoot arrow or crap my way through. Not being a very good student, am I?!

Came home and swept the house. :) I like sweeping the house. Tiring it may be but fun I think. I donno, I like to see myself collecting all the dust in the house and throwing it into the dustbin, feeling a sense of accomplishment.

A friend made this comment about me today. "Jee Lee, you're too funny to be taken seriously." I admit, I can be very playful at times and in the midst of it, say funny things or clown around, but have no one seen the serious side of me? I started to reflect on how I've been bringing myself around then. In terms of leadership, I remember ppl saying "When she's joking, she can really make you laugh. But when work needs to get done, she expects it!" So, why is it that someppl sees tis of me yet some ppl say i'm too funny to be taken seriously?

As I was speaking to Radika, I asked her whether am I too funny to be taken seriously and does that mean I'm a lousy leader? Haha....I asked her because she's work with me (or "under" my leadership) for a few of my terms of service. She said I led well. I was a good pres. Haha, she concluded one thing: that friend who made that statement doesn't know me well enuff. Haha. *No comment*

I asked out of curiosity. It's good to know & to see how ppl "judge" you.

I've managed to read 4 lecture notes out of 8 but I wonder how much will I be able to remember. Lord, please help me.

Goodnight people.

ps: For the first time in a week, I am feeling very good the whole of today!!! No miserable post for today! :)

pps: Secret Love is the title of an instrumental song. It's awesome!

Is it relevant?

Today while at Child Language lecture, I came up with something and showed it to Michelle and she asked me, why you going through this now ar? I said, no. Not now. Yesterday.

"It is when love starts to hurt that you find yourself crying when you're amongst people without a reason that they will understand"

Nevermind. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't even matter when you say "hey, it's good to see you" when I know seeing me or not doesn't matter to you. It's just a polite thing to say.

It's not relevant.

............................................................................................................................................................

I saw the pain in you - physically and emotionally. I gave u money to take a cab home so that you'd reach home early and safe. You took the money but did not take a cab home. You took a bus. I'm not angry. I know you thought for me - you dowan to spend my money. If i gave you with a unwilling heart, God will deal with me. I gave it to you with all sincerity and wishing that you'd take the money and use it. Sigh. You didn't. Anyways, I hope u get better soon. I love you.

..............................................................................................................................................................


Goodnight.

The relevance of all of it? none. It's just me babbling.

What a friend we have in Jesus!!

Slept at 5am and woke up at 8am. This calls for drowsiness in class. However, I was super awake in class. Even Adrian was suprised. haha...Honestly, I'm suprised too. But hey, I thank God for all of it! haha....I didn't feel sleepy at all, well, at least not until I borrowed a super thick book to do some research on Child Phonology. Took a 15 minutes nap and I was back to work liaoz. So much work to do siah!

Finished editing the project! Yay!! Can submit by tomorrow liaoz.

I did something super bold. But I felt led to do it.
You see, there's this girl in my class, quite plump but she likes to wear skimpy dresses and super short miniskirts. Today, she came in with a three-quarter long pants! So, i was quite happy to see her wear that. And you know what I did? I wrote her a note. Mind you, I do not know her personally!!! Waaah. So daring. I basically told her that she's quite an attractive girl and I told her that she need no pretty clothes or accessories to beautify herself because naturally, she already is! I told her when I saw her more adequately dressed today, she gained my respect!I told her to be confident and respect herself. I affirmed her again of her natural beauty!I really never thought myself so bold to say such thing. I hope she's not offended by it though. I told liren and he said "lets see if Jee Lee's note will make any difference". I really hope it will because it is really disgusting and I pity her because ppl will look at her with different set of eyes, just because they way she dresses. I told Sarah and she said "maybe she'll think you're lesbian" oh no! I hope not! haha.....I hope she's not offended by it tho....hahah

Anyway, the draft that we rushed for today was suppose to pass to our peer group for revision and review. waaah. We submitted a 16-page essay while they submitted to us a 4-page point-form proposal of their essay. Waaah. I donno what to say or do at that time. Heartache man!!!haha...But, conscience clear! We did our best!!

............................................................................................................................................................

The longer I feel for you, the deeper the feeling goes. And it hurts every single bit. So much so that I cried today because of you.

May God protect my heart!

..............................................................................................................................................................

My mommy is sick... :(
I called home today........I miss them. I got an email from wengyan today. haah.......I replied her almost a two page essay. hahaha.....It's been so long since I wrote to her lar....I miss her too.

 What a friend we have in Jesus, 
 all our sins and griefs to bear! 
 What a privilege to carry 
 everything to God in prayer! 
 O what peace we often forfeit,
 O what needless pain we bear, 
 all because we do not carry 
 everything to God in prayer. 

 Have we trials and temptations? 
 Is there trouble anywhere? 
 We should never be discouraged; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Can we find a friend so faithful 
 who will all our sorrows share? 
 Jesus knows our every weakness; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 

 Are we weak and heavy laden, 
 cumbered with a load of care? 
 Precious Savior, still our refuge; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? 
 Take it to the Lord in prayer! 
 In his arms he'll take and shield thee; 
 thou wilt find a solace there.

Love is an amazing thing, isn't it?!

It's funny how I've been so tired this whole day but right now when it's 3am, I'm still wide awake. I guess, when you've gone way pass your bedtime, this happens.

I thought busy week passed and I'll be free-er. I'm so wrong.

There's a draft to hand-in on thursday (technically, it's today) and a project due on Friday and a test on Monday.

Clever la Jee Lee. Do last minute work summore!!

Nonono...I'm up because some problem came up when we were trying to do our Child Language project. So, we all need to work a little extra to hand-in a better paper. I already spent 1-2 hour transcribing phonetics. Don't you just dislike it?! After that, still have to write out stuff! Seish!! So much work. I wanna complain but I don't think I should. So, sssshhhhh!! And another dear friend is suppose to do the compilation for the submission tomorrow but she's not very well and she's very tired. So, I offered to compile the work. So, I've to wait for the rest to send me their work and also I realised my piece of work needs editting. haha...So, I stayed up more because I've Child Language work to do and editting of my draft for (technically) today's submission. haha...

ok la, I admit I'm doing a little last minute work.

But, I don't normally work last minute!

Anywayz, I'm super happy today because my friend sent me her wedding photos. So happy!!!! :) :) :)

I was also browsing through the pictures in my phone and oh boy, I really really miss home. I haven't called home to talk to my family for a very long time already. Sigh. I suddenly wonder how they are doing. I hope and pray that all is well.

.......................................................................................................................................................

God is so good.
You know how He provides and comforts when you sooo need it.
Emotionally I'm in a rollercoaster ride. It sucks to be in one but through all this, I see God's all abundant love and "realness".
I'm praying for God to continue to be real and be the ever promise fulfilling God that He is!!
You know Lord, these things that You're putting me through are not easy but I know no pruning is. So I'm not going to complain but instead allow You to work Your way in me. And may I be purified and refined. Of all my many cries, one thing I ask is that may You never give up on making me the woman YOU want me to be and as I struggle, may You comfort me with Your rod and staff. Lift up the veil that's blinding me, Lord. I love You too much to let the pain take me away from YOU....
Be with me Lord.....

.............................................................................................................................................................

There're too many love songs in my head.
Love of all sort

My torn heart

I'm less confused than I was yesterday and a few days ago. Less confused but still confuse.

One part of me really wants to serve. One part of me really don't want to give less to my personal "ministry". I know it's not an either-or situation. But, like it or not, if I serve in that area, my personal work will lessen a little, or at least that's how I think. And I dowan to see that happen.

I spoke to Lilian yesterday about this. Before I spoke to her, 60% of me said "No" but after I spoke to her, 60% of me said "Yes'. Woah. And today as I prayed about it, the first time I'm praying about this so seriously, I feel more "Yes" than "No". Infact, I wrote at the of my journal page a "Yes".

I need to ask God more. Because i dowan to go into something that I'm not too sure of what God's take is.

Oh and there's plenty of school work to do. Keep me in prayer please...

When God says something, He will fulfil it!

This time round I bring you to 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

God is great!

You see, I have to do this project on media. Me and my coursemates want to do on Homosexuality representation in the media. So, we've gotta look for shows with homosexuality elements in it from 1960s to 2000s. Amazingly, the 1960s show, NUS Library has a copy. It's called "The CHildren's Hour" and in 1970s, there's this show entitled "Boys in the Band" but NUS library has no copy of it. It's the first show that celebrated homosexuality. It's like a breakthrough thingy in this industry. So, this show is quite important to us.

However, it's been soooo difficult to get the movie. Some of my friends tried downloading the movie but cannot find. (even Amazon doesn't have the price listing for this movie lar!!)

When my friends told me they were planning to download it, I didn't know what to say. Only a few weeks ago, God convicted me of not violating copyright and this includes music and videos - basically, don't download illegally. So, once convicted, I deleted all files from my comp - even deleted all the downloading programs.

So, my friends were online with me and we were looking for alternative movies - around the same era - 1970s. So, we were looking and I was reading reviews of these movies. We were feeling quite down because really cannot find any of the movies. So, i suggested that we just do a literature review for that era since we can't find the movie - i'm quite sure a book about it is easier to find.

then suddenly,

Adrian: wait....I think I found it.
Me: What show?
Adrian: Cabaret
Me: You gonna download it?
Adrian: Yes...
Me: Oh no...I'm against piracy. God has recently convicted me of it. Oh no....

(at this point, I really wrestled with it. "Why O Lord are you allowing me to be tempted this way? Only a few weeks ago you convicted me of this." I really struggled with it. I tried to even tell myself, "it's okay la" But my conscience was pricking. I know God is not pleased with me doing it or even getting myself involved (tho indirectly). So, I decided to tell my friend that no la, I don't think we should do it. Then, at that exact point when I've decided to not do it and I was crying out to God, "Help me Lord", God put an idea in my mind, "Try your NUS library" Huh? NUS library?? Okay lor...no harm trying...)
So i checked the NUS library. To my amusement.....

Me: Oh my goodness adrian....NUS have Cabaret!!!!
Adrian: What????!!

Right at that point, he tells me he feels like Abraham. Gonna sacrifice Isaac edi and then suddenly God sends the ram! Woah. Yeah, at that point, my heart almost fell out! THANK YOU LORD!!! Thank You sooooo much.

Truly 1 Cor 10:13!!!! THe Lord will not tempt us beyond what we can bear. He will provide us a way out!!!!

It was amazing!!! Maybe no one will understand the excitement me and adrian was in. Especially when I was there trying really hard not to disobey God...God is amazing!! God is amazing!!! Very truly great!!!

Lord, thank you!!!
I'm sorry that the thought of disobeying you even slip into my mind even though it's for a split second!!
Thank You Lord....really!!!
For being faithful and gracious and merciful to me!!!! :)

I love You Lord!!!

Let go, let God.

Busyness and tiredness have kept me from blogging regularly for the past few days. My seemingly busiest and packed tight week is over now. However, there are still plenty of projects to do with plenty of readings to catch up with. I'm trying to stay awake to study but I'm falling asleep from time to time and feeling really restless. I can't sit still. Sigh.

I've had 1 presentation, 2 tests and 1 assignment to hand in throught the past week. I really thank God for His grace. Because, throughout the week, I had to meet people for personal time and have bible study as well, and there's the Breaking-the-da-vinci-code talk. Undeniably, there were temptations to push personal time to the week after but God was very clear in showing me that He wanted me to be faithful even in times of busyness. This time it was a lesson of faith and trust. And you know, God has been so awesomely gracious and faithful.

I've already made up my mind on thursday not to go for the DVC talk because I have a test on friday and this module is really NOT easy. So, I really needed to study. But, I wanted to go for the talk as well to understand what the whole thing is and to see how christian scholars tackle this whole thing. Plus, right now the dvc hype is not full forced yet. Wait till the movie is out, then the "attack" can be seen more clearly. So, I wanted to go to not only prepare myself but also to know how to help others prepare for this. I prayed and told God, "I want to go but there's Child Language test tmr. So, if YOU allow me to finish half the amount of studying I need to do before, then I will go." You know, God not only allowed me to finish half of it all, I finished more than half of it! So, I went for the dvc thing. Because I had no dinner, I know I was going to be very hungry. But when I went there, they served dinner! Nothing heavy but good enuff. So, I walked into the hall and sat with all VCF people since I saw no Nav peeps. Walked out to have dinner and I saw they had mee hoon and fishballs. Goodness gracious! God really knows how to feed me and gives me my favourite!!! Hehe...I was so happy. How easy it is to please me! :P

Then, my test on friday was awesome. I was a little nervous because my lecturer said it's all data analysis. You see, in English Language and especially so for Child Language, it's super difficult to analyse a set of data and come to the conclusion that your lecturer wants. So, I was scared. Plus, I didn't go through the readings but only notes of readings that were prepared by other classmates. So, yikes! Nonetheless, the test was amazingly simple. I don't know how I'll fair in it but I was super cool during the test. I fret not and infact, I finished early. Woohoo.....

God is good. Very good!!!

This is just one incident throught the whole week. The rest of the week was also testimonies of how gracious God has been to me.

One thing the Lord taught me from these experiences is this: When I'm called to serve, I serve faithfully and leave the other worries to God. He will sort it all out for me!! :)

All is well...

I'm feeling rather unrested.

Presentation went on quite well. Quite happy! Had dinner with Terence, Hsien Xiong and Kelvin. Rather disturbed from then onwards. I guess, seeing people who live their lives without God and sort of without an eternal goal in mind was rather disturbing to me. I guess this is what Jesus meant when he said, "I came to give you life that you may have it abundantly!" I see their attitude towards each other and towards other things and that really made me shrugged.

It feels so weird.

I guess to a certain extent, I know why God allowed me to have dinner with them (and me being the only girl). God wanted to show me that really guys without God are not attractive to me although in worldly sense they might be. But because they do not have Jesus in their lives, they really have no attractive power. Inasmuch, in themselves, they are pretty charming but when I go beyond that and look deeper into the friendship and their lives, I find myself lost. There's nothing deeper. That's really quite superficial.

Matthew was very kind today. The first super gentleman i met here in Singapore is Noel. Second would be Matthew Tay. Really! Today I went to class and Clement was talking to me. So, i walked down the LT and I decided to sit next to Matthew since the seat next to him was empty and clement was sitting below him. Then, I dropped my pen. So, i was already getting ready to pick my pen up when Matthew reached his hand out to pick my pen up for me. Waaaah...It was definitely much nearer for me to pick it up but he did it for me! I was so touched lor....He went out of his way to help someone! :)

God, you have been very good.....

Knock out

Tired to the max!!

Today (and tomorrow) NUS is having her Centennial Open House. no, we don't get free food. Basically, its when people who are interested in coming into NUS to study come and look and see what's there in NUS for them. The Nus Navigators decided to have a booth this year and so I was there from 9am - 1pm. Tired! First of all, my mistake. I slept only at about 3am last nite and I woke up about 7:30am. So, technically I have only about 4 and a half hours of sleep. Rushed to MPSH (Multi-Purpose Sports Hall) 5 only to find that none of the NUS Navigators were there. Argh! When I try to be punctual, all others are late....hmmmm....nvm nvm. :) At least I was early and not late.

The Open House was quite crappy la. The dance and singing and whatever it is was quite all a flop - in my opinion. And please la, you provide entertainment for what? (and use our money for lousy PA system) People come to see what NUS has to offer, you entertain them with music and dance and all that for what har?? sigh! Waste our money oni.

Left for lunch and den went for LEP. I was edi quite tired by then. Luckily I sat right infront of Dan Foo. If not, i'd have fallen asleep and because I was sleepy, my brains were not really working very well. So, all I could do was write down whatever he was saying but i need to revisit what he said today to gain full impact. At least, I feel I should do that lar.

Come back and have ice-cream and cut birthday cake for danielle and petra. :) Slept after that. waaah...super tired lor. Write essay and then Liren called. Had a chat with him!! :) I alwayz enjoy the time when I talk to him. :)

Now, i'm gonna go to sleep. Tomorrow go to church and after that, come back and try to finish essay and gotta start studying for test oso. English Language closed book tests are really very difficult. So, i'm scared! God help me!

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I want to hope. But I find it extremely difficult. Liren said I'm obsessed with it. Sigh.
Lord, am I missing something here??

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Goodnight.

Cheers~~

Good?

I donno what to say. At the end of today, I really have mix emotions. I don't know whether to sigh or not to. On one hand, I obeyed God on a certan issue and I'm glad I did that - although I come home to realise that there are other things that I did not talk to him about. Sigh. I really thought two hours will be enough but time proved me wrong.

Sigh.......

After talking to him makes me realise that I really am very bad in expressing myself. Many people take me differently. I have often been misunderstood. Goodness gracious me. I think I really need to know how to express myself. But the one thing that I am very grateful about is that I know my facial expression is super precious. I know that no matter what, my feelings show in my face. Although sometimes it is hard to read my facial expression and try to pin point exactly how I feel but I am a bad liar, because if whatever I say contradicts my feelings, someone can tell wan through my facial expression!!! Although honestly, I think to a certain extent, it frustrates me that people misunderstand me and who I really am and, come on, I've only been in Singapore for the past 1 year plus and people are still getting to know me. So, naturally these misunderstanding still does happen. And because I find it very troublesome to try to correct people's misunderstanding about me, I normally try once or twice and then I give up. I honestly feel that God will settle these things to me. If by any chance I am putting God down in people's view of me, then of course I will correct that person. But if it is solely me (my character, my personality), then really I will not push my way through, I'll let them think what they want to think. I'm fine with it. :)

I'm trying to right now to psycho myself to think that I had a great day. Honestly, today was very demoralising. Today I realised that I can be quite gentle with the guy I like. haha....nonetheless, I think he doesn't realise that. Too bad. But, nvm. haha.....Then I had talk with a friend for about 9 hours. Jikalau bukan-Mu, saya tentu tidak mampu bersemangat. I realised a lot about a lot of things then. And it was then, that I realised that woah, there are many things about me that's not understood by a lot of people. Well, I've learnt a lot from that friend and for that i'm very grateful. :) Then, I walked back to library and then met this girl. She said she doesn't have a bible (cause she was going for cf for the 1st time) and so i offered her mine. She then said something like "oh, it's not good enuff" then I was like "what??!! You know what bible I use and mine is not good enuff??" I really didn't understand. Basically, telling me that the Bible I use not good enuff, I feel "Wah, what Bible I use oso kena judged"....

Called Yanni. It was so funy. The conversation we had consisted of 4 different languages - english, malay, cantonese and hakka. Oh my!! Our malay was the best! We spoke as if we were writing an essay - we have lost touch with Bahasa Melayu pasar but can only remember Bahasa Melayu baku. Oh no! It was soooo hilarious. I was laughing so much I almost fell from the chair. Our hakka was so funny too. oh my oh my. But, i'm very happy because when she called me and spoke to me in hakka, i felt like "hey, that's something we haven't done in a very long time..." yah...so, haha....we must do that more often!! Thanks yanni for listening to me and talking with me and laughing together with me.

You know, even if no one listens to me or talks with me, i'll be happy with just people laughing with me and I really treasure that a lot. I guess, that's why people like Liren and Noel means much to me, because not only can I talk with them, but I can laugh with them and they make me laugh. Honestly, I feel so happy to have Lilian as my PTL because she's not only a great woman but she makes me laugh and we laugh together. Yeah, I laugh a lot and I really treasure people who will laugh with me. That's why I really like Danz and Petz a lot and I think they are such a gem!

Anywayz, I'm gonna go to bed now. At the end of it, as long as I've obeyed God, nothing should make me more happy than that. God is good!!!

p/s: My blog is really a place for me to whine and there are many things that I don't blog about. So, don't read my blog and conclude something about me just like that. Because, that's not the whole picture. If people care, I will not hold back letting them know the real me.

p/p/s: If I ever use the word damn or darn, please alert me. I'm trying to stop using that word!

Sigh....

I miss him. Sigh. You know, when he sms-ed me to help him do something, I was rushing for class but when i read the msg, I slowed down. Smiled. And then continue walking to class. I was super pleased. I cannot stop smiling.

For the past week or so, I really miss him leh. :(

Yet, I try to look around me and see all other God's beautiful creation - guys la i mean. haha...Got so many other guys to get attracted to. And then I tell myself, change target la! God never said continue neither did He said stop. Then, I think of my tutorial groups......

There's Matthew. He's Singaporean but mother is Filipino. Wow! Cool eh! Nice guy! First time I spoke to him, he offered me chocolates...haha...so sweet. He's the same Matthew who opens door for girls and super gentleman. I went for tutorials late today. The lecturer returned our test paper, and because I wasn't there, matthew took mine for me!! So nice...haha :) I felt remembered. haha oh forgot to mention, he's christian! The kind who goes to school very early in the morning just to have quiet time with God!!

There's Hsien Xiong. Haha....It's funny that I thought of him. Because out of the 3 unattached girls in the project group, 2 is already going crazy over him liaoz (me excluded of course). I don't think there's anything fantastic about him but he's darn charming! REally....his smile can melt hearts wan. Awww..... I never noticed it until last week when we had a project meeting and we were entertaining each other and laughing at other group members, and then I notice his smile. U know I have this craze for piano and drums? He plays both damn well!!!! woah. How charming!! But big problem: Non-christian. But, damn charming!!!!! *SIGH*

Nontheless, i'm quite sure I'm not attracted to them the way I am attracted to him. It's just a crush. It'll pass. haha.....

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My phone ringtone is Fingerprints of God by SCC. For the longest time, I've forgotten the significance of that song, until I listened to them again on Saturday.

Fingerprints of God.....
Me.....

awesome.....

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ps: the both of them better not by any funny chance bump into my blog. I'll kill myself immediately.

Where is home?

I had ETWG on saturday. It was different. Just the previous night, I had my agenda set already - God set it for me. So, when I decided to have ETWG, I wanted to go straight into the things that were already on my list when suddenly I felt "Jee Lee, put down your paper and pen. Turn your page. Don't look at the agenda. Calm down. Be still. Put on Christian music. Just listen". I did just that although I just wanted to get ahead with all the list of things on my journal. But, God is really good.

One of the thing I asked God about was missions. I've mentioned how much I want to go for missions - and specifically India. Marry an Indian, they are super good looking. Hah! I once blurted that out during bs and my discipler looked at me with evil looks. haha.... and so I prayed about going to India and this time, to China as well. You see, there'll be a group who will be going down to China soon and they've asked me whether would I want to go with them and I said that I will pray about it. And so I did! God specifically showed me that He wants me to go home. Coz inasmuch as I want to go for missions, my heart burns for home - for Malaysia ; for Life Chapel. And God said, no India ; no China. Go home!

I sigh because I really want to go to India and home is more difficult. It's an Islamic country la. How difficult is that. I never ask God whether this is long time mission plan or just specifically for this holiday oni. But, if it's for long time, I understand what He's trying to do now.

My housemates made this comment to me today "Jee Lee sure want to go back to Malaysia want. She loves her country so much." And yes, I do. I mean, yes, we're not given the best treatment. I think to a certain extent, Singapore treats us better than our own government does. Nonetheless, I am a Malaysian. I am a citizen of Malaysia. That is my earthly home. And wherever I go in the world, I will still pray for Malaysia. I will never stop praying for Malaysia, even if I end up a PR in some other country.

Wherever God wants to send me to, I want to be willing to go there. :)

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I told a dear friend one of my darkest secrets today. And it felt so good telling him about it - not only because he could accept it but being able to tell someone about it assures me that I've learnt to accept God's forgiveness and I'm trully realising what I was called to do.

Thank God....

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I spent some time talking to Danielle and Petra today. And I really felt that God loves them sooo much! Sooooo much....I almost cried. I'm perplexed at my own reaction. I wonder why I felt the way I do...

Chariots of Fire

I absolutely looove Chariots of Fire. There's something about that movie that moves me. It could be jolly well be the same reason why guys like to watch women running on the beach in Baywatch! Hah (But, of course not!). The first time I watched the movie was in Life Chapel when we had a screening of it for fund (and fun) - raising. I remember being moved to tears.

This morning when I woke up, I contemplated skipping church for one day because I was super tired and I sorta felt like not going. I sat up and I prayed. I went to church in the end. I had this great sense of guilt and sin in me and so on the way to church, I really couldn't stop saying my sorries. And I hate it when I feel that way and I feel so ashamed that I wouldn't want to face God. As I cry out to God, slowly I felt more assured about being forgiven and about hating myself for sinning. When I reached church, I was asking God to point me to passages that speaks of forgiveness if He really did forgive me. We all know that God will forgive us if we go to HIM and ask for forgiveness. Somehow, when I sin and I need forgiveness, I need God to speak to me HIS forgiveness. Well, you can say that I need a personal touch in everything. But, God is good. I kinda step into church hall late today and the first passage that was turned to spoke about God's mercy!! Woah!! Speechless. God is amazing and awesome.

I came home after church today and the Lee family was home. I was suprised because they should be at church. So, they didnt go to church. And I found out that it is Danielle's birthday today! And Petra's birthday this friday! And so I told Lilian what happened yesterday. Of course it all only made sense to me after Lilian told me of the special occasions. See, yesterday I was out for dinner with Radika at Plaza Singapura (Yes, spelt in Malay!). After dinner, I saw a few of those shops that sells cutesy stuff. Walked into it and suddenly there was this urge "Buy Danielle something." I've never had such urges before, neither have I bought them anything before. So, that was pretty weird. Nonetheless, I heeded that urge and bought Danielle something. It was the only thing left in the rack that has her name on it. So, i grabbed it and then I wanted to buy Petra something too. I thought of the same thing but it didn't have her name. So, I got her something else. My point is this : I don't know what God wants to show me or Danielle and Petra. But my feel is that, God wanted to show me that God can use me to bless others even though I didnt really specifically pray for them or think about them and I also think that God wants to show Danielle that God loves her. I donno, to put someone in someone else's heart, I think, shows the heart of God - that He loves and cares!

Yeah....

Incase u were wondering, God was very good to me during ETWG yesterday! :) Had quite a lot settled. :)

Like Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire, I hope against all hope that God will honour me as I honour HIM, not because I deserve it, but simply because He wants to.

tiredness....

Tiredness is getting to me.

Today is a good day with filming for our project and then a nav meeting afterwards. :)

Spent some time alone with God and asked God to speak, He said quite a few things and probably lined up the few things for ETWG tomorrow.

I'm excited for ETWG tmr because there's quite a number of things I just wanna pour out to God about.

But before I go off to bed, I just wanted to say that today I got a suprising email from my father. TO hear him tell me he loves me out of the blue is really suprising but delighful!! :)

Thanks father! I love you too....

Free the mind....

My eyes are tearing from lack of sleep. My eyelids are super heavy. But I can't sleep because I have a presentation to prepare for (it's tomorrow).

I was so tempted to buy some stuff from Pasir Panjang Plaza today. I tell u, the giordano dry-fit cardigan was only SGD 15. How cheap is that la. And pants for SGD 15 too. I was super tempted. Not only it was cheap stuff, i've always wanted to get those stuff and now it's cheap. But, I thought better not spend somemore money. So, I resisted and left that place.

There's loads of school work to do and also the girls I spend personal time with are going through rough patches, and so, I've gotta spend more time praying for them and talking to them.

I never mind that. And these things never get me very tired.

BUT BUT BUT,
I've been tired throughout last week with all the running around from KL to Singapore and from Singapore to KL. And I really needed rest. HOWEVER, I've not been able to sleep through the night peacefully. I will wake up twice (at least) in the night and so I've not have rested sleep since sunday. It's thursday night and I'm really tired.

Sigh.....

Goodnight.

Sorry for disappointing

It made me feel like a small girl. Those kind of girl who gets upset over petty issues, and to discuss it will really make me feel like a complete idiot. It's really the silliest thing ever to think about at this age. Nothing can justify how I felt. Even as I think about it now, I feel that my thoughts were so childish. I'm disappointed.

Thank God though because at that moment of weakness, I decided to fight and not give in to childish ways. I knew what I needed to hear from God and therefore I tried to listen to what HE wants to say. I heard something but wasn't too sure whether it was from God or not. Dare not take it as it is, so I took out my Bible from my bag and flip to 1 Peter 3 (haha, if u turn to it, u'd probably knew what this childishness is all about)...haha....I'm too embarrased about it to mention it here.

I had a good Bible Study. Haha, oni a few days ago I blogged about having Bible Study. No la, its not that I holy-molly but rather its because I am a member of the monday Bible Study group and I'm leading the wednesday Bible Study group. So, that's why I attend two Bible Study!

I really had a good Bible Study. Obedience came up again. I think there's something really that the Lord wants to speak to me about.

Today, I did something very dramatic. I deleted all files in my computer that can be considered a form of piracy! No more lying to God and try to justify whatever I do. I know CDs are expensive, still, no excuse for me to disobey God because of money. Yes, I loooove music. But, I'm not gonna sin because of that. Today I was just memorising John 14:21 (let me try to quote) He who hears and keeps my commandmants, he it is who loves me, and he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love Him and disclose Myself to him.
So, I basically just feel that I shall not be disobedience and hinder God from disclosing (NASB) or manifest (NKJV) Himself to me. So, yeah....

People once said that partial obedience and delayed obedience is disobedience. Ignorance is definitely disobedience. So, I want to obey - so to the recycle bin the files went!!

I'm quite happy I obeyed! :) I still have other things to obey God. I need to be quick in doing them.

I'm tired now.....

Goodnight.

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I don't know why but Psalm 73:25-26 is constantly flashing infront of me today! I wonder what God has to say.

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